She had grown a lot since that night I first saw her there at the
firehouse 2yrs ago, but she still looked so small lying there in the crib.
There was no doubt in my mind when I first saw her that was my daughter. I
don't know if it was the familiar dark hair, and brown eyes or just the
fact mine, but I knew. It took me awhile to admit it, the whole ride to the
hospital I searched for the words to tell Doc this wasn't just a baby left
behind by some young mother. She was my daughter, not yet a year old and
already abandoned twice her life; first by her mother, and now by her Aunt.
How could I do the same? I almost did, I thought of how easy it would have
been if I had just kept my mouth shut and let her go into the system. But,
I couldn't. Mostly because I knew that system, and I hated it, I hated my
mother for abandoning me.
I was only a little older then 3 when my mother left me, but I remember. It defined the person I grew up to be, someone that I'm not always proud to be. She left me on the subway, she told me to sit there and she'd be right back. I was a good kid; I sat for a long time. I was scared as hell, but she was my mother and I had no reason to believe she wouldn't come back. And, the next thing I remember is being surrounded by cops. I thought I had done something wrong, and that's why she left.
I spent the rest of my life moving. Moving from one foster home to another, sometimes ending up with the nuns when they couldn't find anyone else to take me in. The nuns always taught us we were children of God, but I didn't believe. I couldn't understand why God would let his child live in a place where people used your legs to put out cigarettes, or went to bed hungry every night because your foster father had spent all the government's checks on booze. I actually preferred living with the nuns; they only hit you with rulers. The only thing I learned growing up was I was alone. The only person in the world who would ever care about me was me.
A lot of the other kids I grew up with couldn't wait to have families of their own. They would talk to dreams of marrying, and having a kid. They would always say how when they had a kid, things would be different. Some of them were so desperate to have someone to love them, as if it would validate them as a person that they ended up knocked up before their 16th birthday. I guess it makes sense, it a completely screwed up way. But I was never like that; I never wanted to bring another life into this world. I didn't want to add more life to this overcrowded screw up world. And, I sure as hell would never fall love anyone. When you love someone, you become completely vulnerable.
When I saw Kylie, I realized I had broken all the promises I had made to myself growing up. I had created life, and before I knew it was completely in love with her. Something happened within those first few days that I had her. I realized, that bringing a life into this world wasn't wrong or selfish. Looking at Kylie, I realized the best thing in the world I'll ever do was help create her. I also knew I owed it to her to give her the best. And I realized how much better life was when you loved someone. Kylie opened up my heart, she showed me it was Ok to love and care people.
She also proved me right, when you love someone you become so vulnerable. you become human I guess. Somewhere along the line, without me realizing it I started to love the people around me. I didn't realize it until Alex, and Lt. Johnson died. It was different from when Bobby was killed. Yeah, I felt bad when Bobby died but I never allowed it to hurt me. I wouldn't change anything though. If you had to me Alex, or Lt Johnson was going to die, I wouldn't choose to care less.
And now Kylie is sick, and I feel so helpless. I gave her life, but I can't save her. I was Kylie's best shot as surviving this, and I'm not a match. I'm her father; fathers are supposed to be able to protect their children. I don't have any family; I have anyone to ask for help. Kylie's mother is dead, and I have no idea where her family is. Without a match, she'll die. And even with a match she only her chances at surviving are only 80%. With all they teach us in school, it kind of makes it hard to stay positive. The Kenney's hear the truth, but part of them is still able to hold on to hope. But I know the truth. I know the Kylie's chancing of finding a donor isn't good, and I know without a transplant she'll die probably before her next birthday.
Looking down at Kylie, I know that I did the right thing. If you told me before I even claimed Kylie that she was going to die, I wouldn't do anything different. I wouldn't make myself love her less, or spend less time with her. She's sleeping a peaceful sleep; her hospital room is showered in balloons and gifts from her large extended family. She has two sets of grandparents, and more cousins to play with that I could ever imagine. She has her own bedroom, a big sister, and a swing set in the backyard. I could never give her any of that. I can't give her my bone marrow, and safe her life. But that doesn't mean I can't give her anything. I'll find her mothers family, I'll find my own family if that's what it takes. I'll show them the picture I keep of Kylie in my wallet, and tell them her story. I'll find her a match.
"Bye-bye Kylie. Da-... Carlos loves you." I say to her as I bend down and steal one last kiss before leaving.
I was only a little older then 3 when my mother left me, but I remember. It defined the person I grew up to be, someone that I'm not always proud to be. She left me on the subway, she told me to sit there and she'd be right back. I was a good kid; I sat for a long time. I was scared as hell, but she was my mother and I had no reason to believe she wouldn't come back. And, the next thing I remember is being surrounded by cops. I thought I had done something wrong, and that's why she left.
I spent the rest of my life moving. Moving from one foster home to another, sometimes ending up with the nuns when they couldn't find anyone else to take me in. The nuns always taught us we were children of God, but I didn't believe. I couldn't understand why God would let his child live in a place where people used your legs to put out cigarettes, or went to bed hungry every night because your foster father had spent all the government's checks on booze. I actually preferred living with the nuns; they only hit you with rulers. The only thing I learned growing up was I was alone. The only person in the world who would ever care about me was me.
A lot of the other kids I grew up with couldn't wait to have families of their own. They would talk to dreams of marrying, and having a kid. They would always say how when they had a kid, things would be different. Some of them were so desperate to have someone to love them, as if it would validate them as a person that they ended up knocked up before their 16th birthday. I guess it makes sense, it a completely screwed up way. But I was never like that; I never wanted to bring another life into this world. I didn't want to add more life to this overcrowded screw up world. And, I sure as hell would never fall love anyone. When you love someone, you become completely vulnerable.
When I saw Kylie, I realized I had broken all the promises I had made to myself growing up. I had created life, and before I knew it was completely in love with her. Something happened within those first few days that I had her. I realized, that bringing a life into this world wasn't wrong or selfish. Looking at Kylie, I realized the best thing in the world I'll ever do was help create her. I also knew I owed it to her to give her the best. And I realized how much better life was when you loved someone. Kylie opened up my heart, she showed me it was Ok to love and care people.
She also proved me right, when you love someone you become so vulnerable. you become human I guess. Somewhere along the line, without me realizing it I started to love the people around me. I didn't realize it until Alex, and Lt. Johnson died. It was different from when Bobby was killed. Yeah, I felt bad when Bobby died but I never allowed it to hurt me. I wouldn't change anything though. If you had to me Alex, or Lt Johnson was going to die, I wouldn't choose to care less.
And now Kylie is sick, and I feel so helpless. I gave her life, but I can't save her. I was Kylie's best shot as surviving this, and I'm not a match. I'm her father; fathers are supposed to be able to protect their children. I don't have any family; I have anyone to ask for help. Kylie's mother is dead, and I have no idea where her family is. Without a match, she'll die. And even with a match she only her chances at surviving are only 80%. With all they teach us in school, it kind of makes it hard to stay positive. The Kenney's hear the truth, but part of them is still able to hold on to hope. But I know the truth. I know the Kylie's chancing of finding a donor isn't good, and I know without a transplant she'll die probably before her next birthday.
Looking down at Kylie, I know that I did the right thing. If you told me before I even claimed Kylie that she was going to die, I wouldn't do anything different. I wouldn't make myself love her less, or spend less time with her. She's sleeping a peaceful sleep; her hospital room is showered in balloons and gifts from her large extended family. She has two sets of grandparents, and more cousins to play with that I could ever imagine. She has her own bedroom, a big sister, and a swing set in the backyard. I could never give her any of that. I can't give her my bone marrow, and safe her life. But that doesn't mean I can't give her anything. I'll find her mothers family, I'll find my own family if that's what it takes. I'll show them the picture I keep of Kylie in my wallet, and tell them her story. I'll find her a match.
"Bye-bye Kylie. Da-... Carlos loves you." I say to her as I bend down and steal one last kiss before leaving.