Still Holding Out For You, a charmed fanfic

Still Holding Out For You

Disclaimer: I don't own the song, the show, characters, or anything official.

Never thought I'd be in this place
It's someone else's life I'm living
Wish I were living a lie
The hardest part is when the bough breaks
Falling down and then forgiving
You didn't kiss me good-bye
I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say
And pray I get the chance one day

It's funny all the little things that make you think of someone. I used to think that I would be okay. I would just find a way to get over losing you, but I was wrong. There is no getting over you. There's still this hole in my heart-in my soul. It stretches so far down that nothing will ever fill it. I feel it every day of my life, and it never heals. Having Phoebe and Leo and now Paige has helped. Surrounded by all these people that love me, I still can't help but feel alone.

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you'll be there like before
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won't listen to
I'm still holding out for you

I go upstairs while everyone is asleep. In the middle of the night when I have only myself as a companion, I can sit and think and reflect on the life that was lost here in this house. I close my eyes and I am taken back to a time before you died. And I keep thinking of all the times that I should have been there for you and I was too focused on work to be there. Really be there like you were for me. I wasn't there for you that day. I couldn't save you and that is what hurts the most. I see you in my memories and when I open my eyes just for a second I think that you will be there. Then realization hits that you are not. I stare around this empty room and I am the most alone I have ever felt in my life.

I go and stare down at the spot where I lost you in hopes that you will appear. You never do. I think about all the times we tried to find ways to fight off all the evil in the world. You were one inocent I couldn't save, and nothing will erase that.

I can hear you smile in the dark
I can even feel you breathing
But daylight chases the ghosts
I see your coat and I fall apart
To those hints of you I'm clinging
Now's when I need them most
I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead
At least that's what you would have said

I cannot bear to be around the things that remind me of you. I thought I had hid them all until I was ready but I missed one. Your jacket. When Phoebe found it, I tried to be strong for her because she needed the comfort that you had always provided me. You were always the strong one holding me together. You were always there to comfort me and tell me that I was going to be okay. Now it's my turn to be the big sister, and I'm not ready. I'm not ready to say goodbye and to have a new role. I want to go back to how it was before you left. In my heart I know that you are gone, but in my mind I cannot let you go.

I am standing there holding your jacket. Just standing there. I wait and wait and wait, but you never come to get it. It's a chilly day out and you'll need it. I walk to the door and open it, in hopes that you'll be on the other side, telling me how silly you were to have forgotten it. We'd laugh and you'd give me a hug goodbye. You never come. Each day is the same. I cannot bear to put it in the closet, nor can I bear to put it on the hook, because one day you'll need it. I place the jacket back on the couch so it will be there tomorrow.

I go back upstairs to try and fall back to sleep. I know I will not, but I can't bear to face them. They'll ask me how I am and try to comfort me but I don't have any answers and I don't want pity hugs. I want you back. I close my eyes once again. I see us playing hide and seek. I always hid in the closet and you knew I was there but you'd take your time, as if you weren't sure where I was. Then after a while you would open the door and give me the warmest smile. You found me.

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think you'll be there like before

These days no matter how long I wait, crouching in the closet, you never come and get me. I keep holding out that some some day the door will open, and your face will be there, smiling down at me. You'll take my hand and we'll walk out together. I guess I'll be waiting a while.

I miss you, Prue. Noone will ever replace you. I will make sure of that. If one day I have children, I will let them know how strong and loving you were. I hope that I will be as good of a mother as you were to us after mom and grams died. You were my rock and you found me when I needed you the most. For now, I keep holding onto the idea that you're coming back. It's my only lifeline, because without that I am sure to fall apart. And you're not there anymore to pick me back up, dry my eyes, and reassure me that I'll be okay. So, until then, I'll be waiting. Waiting for you to come back to me.

Holding out
Holding out for you

You can find this song on The Whole SheBang by SheDaisy