One Minute In Wyoming
Author: Rilla
Summary: Amy has a lot of time to think while waiting in Wyoming for her father. Here is one minute of thought, give or take.
Disclaimer: Of course it's not mine.
Notes: Thanks to "Everwood" for rekindling fanfic desires.
I'm going to pretend that everything in my head isn't so crowded and painful. That my stomach isn't so twisted with sadness and blame. That my ears aren't filled with broken promises. That my eyes aren't burning and wet. That my hands aren't shaking and leaden. That my throat doesn't constrict and grate. That my back isn't pinched and bent. That my breathing doesn't make me pray for death.
For one minute I'm going to pretend that everything that has suffocated me since Colin died is just…gone. I'm going to pretend that I'm over him. That I have moved on. That I didn't love him so terribly much the first time. The second time.
Breathe in and out.
I'm not at a rest stop in Wyoming because I can't handle any aspect of the life I shared with him. I am here because I just got a new car. I just got my license and I wanted to see how far I could drive. Because that's the kind of dumb and fun thing a 16-year-old would do. I listened to Ani Difranco in the car and she just carried me away and hours later…oops! I was in another state! A stupid thing that a high school girl could do. And now, maybe I have a flat tire. I didn't plan for that. I had no choice. I had to call my dad. He's going to be mad. But that's ok because he'll know that it's just the unthinking kind of thing kids do. All kids my age do this. There are probably some more on their way to Wyoming right now, just for the hell of it. Because it's perfectly normal to occasionally want to get away.
I'm cold. But that's normal. Kids get cold when they're at a rest stop in Wyoming at night in the beginning of winter for no good reason.
But I'm alone. And I don't think that's normal. Not for this kind of road trip. I should be with someone.
I should be with Colin…
Let's say I'm with Ephram. Ephram decided to skip with me. He held the map and navigated. "Let's go to Wyoming!" he'd said, when we stopped at a 7-11 outside of town for Slurpees and donuts. I laughed, "Wyoming?! That's crazy!" "No it's not," he replied and held my hand.
We talked when we felt like talking. And sometimes we were silent, except for Ani. She was angry and we were happy, so it was fun to scream her lyrics like we were just as unhappy. YOU'RE UNTOUCHABLE FACE! Because we're not unhappy, Ephram and I. He is my first choice.
We didn't call his dad because Dr. Brown would freak. Ephram said, "He'll kill me."
He's a murderer.
We called my dad instead. He didn't ask any questions. Just said he'd be there, because that's what daddy's do for their little girls. I knew he'd go ballistic but Ephram told me not to worry. He'd take the blame for it. He'd say it was his idea. His crazy idea to drive to Wyoming. Not mine.
He's to blame.
Ephram is sitting behind me on a picnic table right now. I'm sitting on the bench between his open knees and I'm leaning back. My head is against his stomach, my shoulders are pressed into his thighs, and he's so warm. I'm cold sitting here in Wyoming, and the only thing keeping me warm is Ephram. His arms reach around me from behind and snuggle me closer to him. He kisses the top of my head and then exhales into my hair. His breath is hot and I can feel him smile. His fingers are quite long. I've always liked his hands. And they're playing with my collar. Sometimes his fingertips touch my neck and it's nice to feel skin on skin.
I know he loves me, though he hasn't told me yet.
I might tell him first. Maybe tonight while we're waiting to get yelled at by my dad. I might tell him that this was a great idea, even with the flat tire and everything. I might thank him for coming with me on this crazy, normal trip.
I might…
I…
I'm cold. Ephram is not here. Pretend-time is over and this isn't normal. I am not normal.
My head hurts. And I think I see headlights. Dad told me to stay locked in the car, but I needed to get out. I needed to see if I could breathe easier up here. A few hundred miles north. A whole state away. Different air.
But this air hurts just as much. Colin is dead. There are no more first choices, as far as I can see. There are only last choices. And chances. And I've used mine up. I'm so cold. And I don't care.