Headaches by Saraswathi
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Chapter Eight: Of Faith and Feelings
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More than anything, her deepest desire was to be alone. There were scant minutes before she went to meet Blayce the Gallan. Kel knew that she was doing the right thing- moreover, she knew that she had no choice. But it was hard to take the glances of mingled awe and pity that she saw wherever she looked.
It wasn't as if she thought she would survive. That stage Kel hadn't even thought about. Her single mission in life now was to defeat him and she would deal with everything after. All the complications.
According to that rule, Kel had pushed away all her feelings for a certain sergeant, schooling her emotions as she had been taught years ago by the Yamanis. That he harbored no feelings for her, as she had sometimes suspected- or rather hoped, was proved true. For if there was ever a time for a confession of love, it would be right before the woman headed for a confrontation that might mean her life.
Admittedly, the woman was not quite sane, but that was a given for a girl who had put herself through the training to be a knight as the only female. Or so Dom would have told her.
She invented some new curses to celebrate the fact that the sergeant kept reappearing in her mind. Finally, she resigned herself to it. At least these thoughts kept her from thinking endlessly about Blayce.
And it focused her somewhat. So she might as well keep thinking of him.
Even though it looked like she would keep thinking of him whether she wanted to or not. And she didn't want to. Because he wasn't in love with her.
And that was that.
It struck Kel that she was making very little sense. Her thoughts seemed to be meandering in a circular pattern, studiously avoiding whatever point they were supposed to make their way towards.
[Too bad,] she thought stubbornly, not sure who she was thinking to.
"This is ridiculous," she announced aloud, startling Jump, who was obediently trotting beside her feet. "I have to do something. Maybe glaive practice?"
"Or you could go torture Meathead some more- that's always fun," a voice suggested from behind her. She spun around and desperately attempted to keep herself from breaking into a warm smile. Even when she was at her most low, Dom seemed to have a gift for cheering her up.
"That too," she agreed, nodding.
"Or," he suggested, "you could just stay here and talk with me."
She kept her face calm, hoping that her sudden urge to leap up and embrace everyone in sight didn't show. "That sounds good," she said, carefully. Hastily, she added, "Seeing as I don't really feel like finding Meathead right now."
[And seeing as you're smiling at me like that,] she added, but did not voice aloud.
"So," he said, settling comfortably against a tree. "How are you, Lady Keladry? Lovely weather we've been having recently." He mimicked a courtier's manner of speaking, complete with hand flourishes.
She couldn't help laughing. "Yes, Sergeant Domitan," she replied teasingly, "The weather's been beautiful and I'm feeling so much better now that you've graced me with your presence."
Dom's eyebrows were in danger of disappearing into his hairline. "Mithros, Kel, are you sure that you weren't a court lady in your past life? I've could have sworn you were flirting with me there."
She knew her face was on fire and only prayed that the falling darkness would shield it from view.
"Sorry- I know you weren't," he muttered, seeming to think that she was angry.
Hurriedly, she added, "No, no! I wasn't upset," then promptly blushed more furiously, realizing what she said.
Though flushed too, he grinned at her. "Oh, good. I'd hate for you to be angry with me." He paused suddenly, biting his lip, looking unsure whether to go on. At last he added, "Especially when you're off to meet Blayce the Not-So-Gallant and all."
Kel's good mood faded. "Yes, indeed."
Dom caught the change in her mood immediately, for he again apologized, "Sorry. I seem to be putting my foot in my mouth often today."
Without thinking, Kel said, "Well, you do it less often than the rest of us, so that's all right."
"Oh, come on, Kel. As if you ever put your foot in your mouth," he protested.
Kel had finally figured out the problem with him. He was simply too nice. It made her melt. She had to stop him and the only way to do that was argue. "I do," she retorted.
"Yes? When?" he challenged.
Her stubborn mind refused to come up with any instances at that particular moment. "I don't know," she admitted. "But I do," she added, somewhat lamely.
"Sure." She couldn't see him, but she knew that he was grinning.
"Oh, be quiet," she retorted.
Innocently, he replied, "I didn't say anything."
"Sure," she deadpanned.
He was laughing. "Now you sound like me."
She shrugged, smiling herself, "What can I say? You're a bad influence, Dom."
He rose gracefully to his feet and swept her a bow. "Why, thank you, Lady Keladry."
"Stop calling me that."
"As you wish, milady," he murmured, catching her hand and bending his head over it in the proper Court manner. Kel knew that he was doing it all to hide his smile.
"You're too much," she said, without thinking.
"That's twice you've complimented me in a row." He peered anxiously at her. "Are you sure you're well?"
She was quite sure laughing this hard wasn't healthy for someone about to meet their death. "No, I'm actually not feeling all that well," she admitted, without thinking. Seeing the rueful expression on his face, she cursed herself mentally. [I used to be the strong one, always there for people, never saying the wrong thing. Now, suddenly, I choose to blurt out what's on my mind and it has to be to him.]
"But, thanks to you," she added, hoping to make amends, "I'm feeling far better." His answering smile was comforting and warm, liking drinking a mug of the highly prized hot chocolate.
They sat in silence for a few moments, Kel reflecting that he was one of the few people who she could be silent with and not feel awkward about it.
He finally broke the silence by voicing a request, "I wish I could go with you."
She met his eyes squarely. They both knew that he had to command the troops. "I wish you could too."
He rose, reaching for her hand and drew her to her feet. A silent understanding passed between them. No words were necessary- they both understood. He reached for her slowly, as if in a dream, then at the last moment, he dropped his hand, turning away.
She stood, mute with disappointment, staring at his closed back. But, as swiftly as the Emperor's armsmistress with a glaive, he closed the distance between them in two large strides and crushed her in a warm embrace.
And there, within his arms, was where Kel knew that she should have been all along.
~*~
~*~
Chapter Eight: Of Faith and Feelings
~*~
More than anything, her deepest desire was to be alone. There were scant minutes before she went to meet Blayce the Gallan. Kel knew that she was doing the right thing- moreover, she knew that she had no choice. But it was hard to take the glances of mingled awe and pity that she saw wherever she looked.
It wasn't as if she thought she would survive. That stage Kel hadn't even thought about. Her single mission in life now was to defeat him and she would deal with everything after. All the complications.
According to that rule, Kel had pushed away all her feelings for a certain sergeant, schooling her emotions as she had been taught years ago by the Yamanis. That he harbored no feelings for her, as she had sometimes suspected- or rather hoped, was proved true. For if there was ever a time for a confession of love, it would be right before the woman headed for a confrontation that might mean her life.
Admittedly, the woman was not quite sane, but that was a given for a girl who had put herself through the training to be a knight as the only female. Or so Dom would have told her.
She invented some new curses to celebrate the fact that the sergeant kept reappearing in her mind. Finally, she resigned herself to it. At least these thoughts kept her from thinking endlessly about Blayce.
And it focused her somewhat. So she might as well keep thinking of him.
Even though it looked like she would keep thinking of him whether she wanted to or not. And she didn't want to. Because he wasn't in love with her.
And that was that.
It struck Kel that she was making very little sense. Her thoughts seemed to be meandering in a circular pattern, studiously avoiding whatever point they were supposed to make their way towards.
[Too bad,] she thought stubbornly, not sure who she was thinking to.
"This is ridiculous," she announced aloud, startling Jump, who was obediently trotting beside her feet. "I have to do something. Maybe glaive practice?"
"Or you could go torture Meathead some more- that's always fun," a voice suggested from behind her. She spun around and desperately attempted to keep herself from breaking into a warm smile. Even when she was at her most low, Dom seemed to have a gift for cheering her up.
"That too," she agreed, nodding.
"Or," he suggested, "you could just stay here and talk with me."
She kept her face calm, hoping that her sudden urge to leap up and embrace everyone in sight didn't show. "That sounds good," she said, carefully. Hastily, she added, "Seeing as I don't really feel like finding Meathead right now."
[And seeing as you're smiling at me like that,] she added, but did not voice aloud.
"So," he said, settling comfortably against a tree. "How are you, Lady Keladry? Lovely weather we've been having recently." He mimicked a courtier's manner of speaking, complete with hand flourishes.
She couldn't help laughing. "Yes, Sergeant Domitan," she replied teasingly, "The weather's been beautiful and I'm feeling so much better now that you've graced me with your presence."
Dom's eyebrows were in danger of disappearing into his hairline. "Mithros, Kel, are you sure that you weren't a court lady in your past life? I've could have sworn you were flirting with me there."
She knew her face was on fire and only prayed that the falling darkness would shield it from view.
"Sorry- I know you weren't," he muttered, seeming to think that she was angry.
Hurriedly, she added, "No, no! I wasn't upset," then promptly blushed more furiously, realizing what she said.
Though flushed too, he grinned at her. "Oh, good. I'd hate for you to be angry with me." He paused suddenly, biting his lip, looking unsure whether to go on. At last he added, "Especially when you're off to meet Blayce the Not-So-Gallant and all."
Kel's good mood faded. "Yes, indeed."
Dom caught the change in her mood immediately, for he again apologized, "Sorry. I seem to be putting my foot in my mouth often today."
Without thinking, Kel said, "Well, you do it less often than the rest of us, so that's all right."
"Oh, come on, Kel. As if you ever put your foot in your mouth," he protested.
Kel had finally figured out the problem with him. He was simply too nice. It made her melt. She had to stop him and the only way to do that was argue. "I do," she retorted.
"Yes? When?" he challenged.
Her stubborn mind refused to come up with any instances at that particular moment. "I don't know," she admitted. "But I do," she added, somewhat lamely.
"Sure." She couldn't see him, but she knew that he was grinning.
"Oh, be quiet," she retorted.
Innocently, he replied, "I didn't say anything."
"Sure," she deadpanned.
He was laughing. "Now you sound like me."
She shrugged, smiling herself, "What can I say? You're a bad influence, Dom."
He rose gracefully to his feet and swept her a bow. "Why, thank you, Lady Keladry."
"Stop calling me that."
"As you wish, milady," he murmured, catching her hand and bending his head over it in the proper Court manner. Kel knew that he was doing it all to hide his smile.
"You're too much," she said, without thinking.
"That's twice you've complimented me in a row." He peered anxiously at her. "Are you sure you're well?"
She was quite sure laughing this hard wasn't healthy for someone about to meet their death. "No, I'm actually not feeling all that well," she admitted, without thinking. Seeing the rueful expression on his face, she cursed herself mentally. [I used to be the strong one, always there for people, never saying the wrong thing. Now, suddenly, I choose to blurt out what's on my mind and it has to be to him.]
"But, thanks to you," she added, hoping to make amends, "I'm feeling far better." His answering smile was comforting and warm, liking drinking a mug of the highly prized hot chocolate.
They sat in silence for a few moments, Kel reflecting that he was one of the few people who she could be silent with and not feel awkward about it.
He finally broke the silence by voicing a request, "I wish I could go with you."
She met his eyes squarely. They both knew that he had to command the troops. "I wish you could too."
He rose, reaching for her hand and drew her to her feet. A silent understanding passed between them. No words were necessary- they both understood. He reached for her slowly, as if in a dream, then at the last moment, he dropped his hand, turning away.
She stood, mute with disappointment, staring at his closed back. But, as swiftly as the Emperor's armsmistress with a glaive, he closed the distance between them in two large strides and crushed her in a warm embrace.
And there, within his arms, was where Kel knew that she should have been all along.
~*~