Act One
Scene Four
FREDDIE arrives in the arena the next morning, and finds that FLORENCE is already at the American delegation's table, sorting through paperwork. She smiles when she sees FREDDIE.
FREDDIE
Love letters from my adoring fans?
FLORENCE
You wish. We've been flooded with complaints, mostly from the London Daily Mirror. Here, sign these so you won't get sued.
(She hands him a few letters.)
FREDDIE
(Taking them.)
What are they?
FLORENCE
Letters of apology.
FREDDIE
(Laughing as he scrawls his signature at the bottom.)
He just can't stop whining, can he?
FLORENCE
You should feel very lucky he didn't press charges!
FREDDIE
Yeah, yeah. I'm surprised the Reds aren't here yet.
FLORENCE
Maybe they're spending time preparing.
As FLORENCE is about to continue, WALTER walks in. Shady, but sharp-dressed, WALTER is carrying a briefcase and a portfolio. He seems quite happy when we first see him.
WALTER
Great news – I got you a photo shoot with Converse after the first game.
WALTER throws the portfolio down, then fishes out of the briefcase one of the stranger props we see in the show: a pair of Chuck Taylor All Stars, hi-top, checkered black and white. FREDDIE tries not to laugh and FLORENCE picks the shoes up and examines them with a disgusted look on her face.
WALTER
They also want to know if you can wear these custom Chuck Taylors during the televised portions of the match.
FREDDIE
Jesus, Walter – do I look like a billboard?
WALTER
How many billboards get twenty grand a game?
FREDDIE
For twenty thousand I guess –
FLORENCE
Absolutely not.
WALTER
You can't afford to miss an opportunity like this.
FLORENCE
Frederick is a chess player, and he is in training.
WALTER
Which can't wait for twenty grand? Come on, all he has to do is wear the sneakers.
FLORENCE
I think we've had this discussion before, Mr. de Courcey.
FREDDIE
What – is there something wrong with me making money?
FLORENCE
You'll make plenty of money after the match is over.
(Beat.)
Besides – those shoes are hideous.
The Russian delegation enters, trailed by several REPORTERS from I, 2. There is a great deal of mugging to cameras on both sides, though the players and FLORENCE stay entirely out of it.
AUSTRALIAN REPORTER
Mr. Molokov, what are your opinions of the political ramifications surrounding the match?
US vs. USSR.
DELEGATES
NO ONE CAN DENY THAT THESE ARE DIFFICULT TIMES...
NO ONE CAN DENY THAT THESE ARE DIFFICULT TIMES...
MOLOKOV
IT'S THE US VS. USSR
YET WE MORE OR LESS ARE
REPORTERS
NO ONE CAN DENY THAT THESE ARE DIFFICULT TIMES
MOLOKOV
TO OUR CREDIT PUTTING ALL THAT ASIDE
WE HAVE SWALLOWED OUR PRIDE
REPORTERS
THESE ARE VERY DIFFICULT AND DANGEROUS TIMES
WALTER
(Walking up next to MOLOKOV.)
IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER WHO COMES OUT ON TOP
MOLOKOV
WHO GETS THE CHOP
WALTER & MOLOKOV
(Shaking hands for a photograph.)
NO-ONE'S WAY OF LIFE IS THREATENED BY A FLOP
DELEGATES
BUT WE'RE GONNA SMASH THEIR BASTARD!
MAKE HIM WANNA CHANGE HIS NAME
TAKE HIM TO THE CLEANERS AND DEVASTATE HIM
WIPE HIM OUT, HUMILIATE HIM
WE DON'T WANT THE WHOLE WORLD SAYING
THEY CAN'T EVEN WIN A GAME
WE HAVE NEVER RECKONED
ON COMING SECOND
THERE'S NO USE IN LOSING.
AMERICAN DELEGATE
(Camera-whoring.)
IT'S THE RED FLAG UP AGAINST STARS AND STRIPES
BUT WE'RE PEACE-LOVING TYPES
DELEGATES
NO ONE CAN DENY THAT THESE ARE DIFFICULT TIMES...
WALTER
IT'S A SWEET HAIL-FELLOW WELL MET AFFAIR
FOR BOTH EAGLE AND BEAR
DELEGATES
THESE ARE VERY DANGEROUS AND DIFFICULT TIMES
MOLOKOV
TO THOSE WHO SAY THAT THIS IS NOT A FRIENDLY CLASH
DON'T BE SO RASH
I ASSURE YOU, COMRADES, THAT IS BALDERDASH
AMERICANS
WHAT A LOAD OF WHINING PEASANTS!
THINKING THEY CAN WIN? THEY CAN'T
WHAT AN EXHIBITION OF SELF-DELUSION
THIS ONE'S A FOREGONE CONCLUSION
RUSSIANS / MOLOKOV
BUT ENOUGH OF ALL THIS BEATING
'ROUND THE BUSHES OF DÉTENTE
WE INTEND TO COLLAR
THE YANKEE DOLLAR
WE SHALL TRASH THEM,
THRASH THEM
FLORENCE
(Returning; with a cynical tone to her voice.)
HOW GOOD TO FEEL THAT AS THIS GREAT EVENT BEGINS
IT UNDERPINS
OUR QUEST FOR PEACE, THE BONDS OF COMMON INTEREST
OF EAST AND WEST
WALTER & MOLOKOV
AS LONG AS OUR MAN WINS ...
DELEGATES
AS LONG AS OUR MAN ... WINS!
Calm settles in slowly as the ARBITER enters with all the pomp and circumstance of a rock star, flanked by sexy female ASSISTANTS. They put on a show for the reporters.
The Arbiter's Song.
ARBITER
I'VE A DUTY AS THE REFEREE
AT THE START OF THE MATCH
ON BEHALF OF ALL OUR SPONSORS I MUST WELCOME YOU
WHICH I DO
THERE'S A CATCH
I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE A CHAMPION
NO ONE MESSES WITH ME
I AM RUTHLESS IN UPHOLDING WHAT I KNOW IS RIGHT
BLACK OR WHITE
AS YOU'LL SEE
I'M ON THE CASE!
CAN'T BE FOOLED!
ANY OBJECTION
IS OVERRULED
I'M THE ARBITER AND I KNOW BEST
ASSISTANTS
HE'S IMPARTIAL
DON'T PUSH HIM
HE'S UNIMPRESSED
ARBITER
YOU GOT YOUR TRICKS?
GOOD FOR YOU!
BUT THERE'S NO GAMBIT
I DON'T SEE THROUGH
I'M THE ARBITER
I KNOW THE SCORE
FROM SQUARE ONE
I'LL BE WATCHING ALL
SIXTY FOUR!
ARBITER
As you can see, the arena is already set up according to the match contracts. We begin play promptly at noon on Wednesday. Are there any last-minute objections or requests? Mr. Molokov?
The seconds, throughout this scene, are clearly competing for camera time.
MOLOKOV
The American player is not dressed appropriately according to the dress code. We trust this will change before Wednesday?
FREDDIE
(In t-shirt, khakis, penny loafers, and a jacket he bought at Sears.)
Not true! I am wearing a sport jacket, which is the full extent of the requirements.
ARBITER
Well, you do need to wear pants at all times as well, Mr. Trumper. I don't want a repeat of Zurich.
(FLORENCE blushes at this.)
The objection is overruled. Miss Vassy?
FLORENCE
The American delegation must protest the massive size of the Soviet delegation.
MOLOKOV
This is ridiculous! We only have four official representatives –
FLORENCE
Your chef is a grandmaster.
MOLOKOV
He is the best cook in Russia!
ARBITER
Objection overruled. Mr. Molokov?
MOLOKOV
We suspect that the American player's dark reflective glasses may contain illegal communications devices. We insist that he not wear them in the arena.
FLORENCE
Frederick's eyes are very sensitive to light and he has no choice. I don't even like him wearing the things.
ARBITER
Objection overruled.
IF YOU'RE THINKING OF THE KIND OF THING
THAT WE'VE SEEN IN THE PAST
CHANTING GURUS, WALKIE-TALKIES,
WALKOUTS, HYPNOTISTS,
TEMPERS, FISTS – NOT SO FAST
THIS IS NOT THE START OF WORLD WAR THREE
NO POLITICAL PLOYS
I THINK BOTH YOUR CONSTITUTIONS ARE TERRIFIC SO
NOW YOU KNOW – BE GOOD BOYS
I'M ON THE CASE!
CAN'T BE FOOLED!
ANY OBJECTION
IS OVERRULED
I'M THE ARBITER AND I KNOW BEST
ASSISTANTS
HE'S IMPARTIAL
DON'T PUSH HIM
HE'S UNIMPRESSED
ARBITER
YOU GOT YOUR TRICKS?
GOOD FOR YOU!
BUT THERE'S NO GAMBIT
I DON'T SEE THROUGH
I'M THE ARBITER
I KNOW THE SCORE
FROM SQUARE ONE
I'LL BE WATCHING ALL
SIXTY FOUR!
WALTER
I heartily agree with these sentiments. But, I feel that this match could easily become a very strong step in the commercial and financial growth of the game of chess. We would like to make a small, understated display courtesy of our corporate sponsors -
FLORENCE, MOLOKOV, RUSSIANS
Objection!
ARBITER
Overruled! Now, Mr. de Courcey, I see no reason to block such a creative proposal from coming to fruition. Get in touch with my office tomorrow.
Scene Four
FREDDIE arrives in the arena the next morning, and finds that FLORENCE is already at the American delegation's table, sorting through paperwork. She smiles when she sees FREDDIE.
FREDDIE
Love letters from my adoring fans?
FLORENCE
You wish. We've been flooded with complaints, mostly from the London Daily Mirror. Here, sign these so you won't get sued.
(She hands him a few letters.)
FREDDIE
(Taking them.)
What are they?
FLORENCE
Letters of apology.
FREDDIE
(Laughing as he scrawls his signature at the bottom.)
He just can't stop whining, can he?
FLORENCE
You should feel very lucky he didn't press charges!
FREDDIE
Yeah, yeah. I'm surprised the Reds aren't here yet.
FLORENCE
Maybe they're spending time preparing.
As FLORENCE is about to continue, WALTER walks in. Shady, but sharp-dressed, WALTER is carrying a briefcase and a portfolio. He seems quite happy when we first see him.
WALTER
Great news – I got you a photo shoot with Converse after the first game.
WALTER throws the portfolio down, then fishes out of the briefcase one of the stranger props we see in the show: a pair of Chuck Taylor All Stars, hi-top, checkered black and white. FREDDIE tries not to laugh and FLORENCE picks the shoes up and examines them with a disgusted look on her face.
WALTER
They also want to know if you can wear these custom Chuck Taylors during the televised portions of the match.
FREDDIE
Jesus, Walter – do I look like a billboard?
WALTER
How many billboards get twenty grand a game?
FREDDIE
For twenty thousand I guess –
FLORENCE
Absolutely not.
WALTER
You can't afford to miss an opportunity like this.
FLORENCE
Frederick is a chess player, and he is in training.
WALTER
Which can't wait for twenty grand? Come on, all he has to do is wear the sneakers.
FLORENCE
I think we've had this discussion before, Mr. de Courcey.
FREDDIE
What – is there something wrong with me making money?
FLORENCE
You'll make plenty of money after the match is over.
(Beat.)
Besides – those shoes are hideous.
The Russian delegation enters, trailed by several REPORTERS from I, 2. There is a great deal of mugging to cameras on both sides, though the players and FLORENCE stay entirely out of it.
AUSTRALIAN REPORTER
Mr. Molokov, what are your opinions of the political ramifications surrounding the match?
US vs. USSR.
DELEGATES
NO ONE CAN DENY THAT THESE ARE DIFFICULT TIMES...
NO ONE CAN DENY THAT THESE ARE DIFFICULT TIMES...
MOLOKOV
IT'S THE US VS. USSR
YET WE MORE OR LESS ARE
REPORTERS
NO ONE CAN DENY THAT THESE ARE DIFFICULT TIMES
MOLOKOV
TO OUR CREDIT PUTTING ALL THAT ASIDE
WE HAVE SWALLOWED OUR PRIDE
REPORTERS
THESE ARE VERY DIFFICULT AND DANGEROUS TIMES
WALTER
(Walking up next to MOLOKOV.)
IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER WHO COMES OUT ON TOP
MOLOKOV
WHO GETS THE CHOP
WALTER & MOLOKOV
(Shaking hands for a photograph.)
NO-ONE'S WAY OF LIFE IS THREATENED BY A FLOP
DELEGATES
BUT WE'RE GONNA SMASH THEIR BASTARD!
MAKE HIM WANNA CHANGE HIS NAME
TAKE HIM TO THE CLEANERS AND DEVASTATE HIM
WIPE HIM OUT, HUMILIATE HIM
WE DON'T WANT THE WHOLE WORLD SAYING
THEY CAN'T EVEN WIN A GAME
WE HAVE NEVER RECKONED
ON COMING SECOND
THERE'S NO USE IN LOSING.
AMERICAN DELEGATE
(Camera-whoring.)
IT'S THE RED FLAG UP AGAINST STARS AND STRIPES
BUT WE'RE PEACE-LOVING TYPES
DELEGATES
NO ONE CAN DENY THAT THESE ARE DIFFICULT TIMES...
WALTER
IT'S A SWEET HAIL-FELLOW WELL MET AFFAIR
FOR BOTH EAGLE AND BEAR
DELEGATES
THESE ARE VERY DANGEROUS AND DIFFICULT TIMES
MOLOKOV
TO THOSE WHO SAY THAT THIS IS NOT A FRIENDLY CLASH
DON'T BE SO RASH
I ASSURE YOU, COMRADES, THAT IS BALDERDASH
AMERICANS
WHAT A LOAD OF WHINING PEASANTS!
THINKING THEY CAN WIN? THEY CAN'T
WHAT AN EXHIBITION OF SELF-DELUSION
THIS ONE'S A FOREGONE CONCLUSION
RUSSIANS / MOLOKOV
BUT ENOUGH OF ALL THIS BEATING
'ROUND THE BUSHES OF DÉTENTE
WE INTEND TO COLLAR
THE YANKEE DOLLAR
WE SHALL TRASH THEM,
THRASH THEM
FLORENCE
(Returning; with a cynical tone to her voice.)
HOW GOOD TO FEEL THAT AS THIS GREAT EVENT BEGINS
IT UNDERPINS
OUR QUEST FOR PEACE, THE BONDS OF COMMON INTEREST
OF EAST AND WEST
WALTER & MOLOKOV
AS LONG AS OUR MAN WINS ...
DELEGATES
AS LONG AS OUR MAN ... WINS!
Calm settles in slowly as the ARBITER enters with all the pomp and circumstance of a rock star, flanked by sexy female ASSISTANTS. They put on a show for the reporters.
The Arbiter's Song.
ARBITER
I'VE A DUTY AS THE REFEREE
AT THE START OF THE MATCH
ON BEHALF OF ALL OUR SPONSORS I MUST WELCOME YOU
WHICH I DO
THERE'S A CATCH
I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE A CHAMPION
NO ONE MESSES WITH ME
I AM RUTHLESS IN UPHOLDING WHAT I KNOW IS RIGHT
BLACK OR WHITE
AS YOU'LL SEE
I'M ON THE CASE!
CAN'T BE FOOLED!
ANY OBJECTION
IS OVERRULED
I'M THE ARBITER AND I KNOW BEST
ASSISTANTS
HE'S IMPARTIAL
DON'T PUSH HIM
HE'S UNIMPRESSED
ARBITER
YOU GOT YOUR TRICKS?
GOOD FOR YOU!
BUT THERE'S NO GAMBIT
I DON'T SEE THROUGH
I'M THE ARBITER
I KNOW THE SCORE
FROM SQUARE ONE
I'LL BE WATCHING ALL
SIXTY FOUR!
ARBITER
As you can see, the arena is already set up according to the match contracts. We begin play promptly at noon on Wednesday. Are there any last-minute objections or requests? Mr. Molokov?
The seconds, throughout this scene, are clearly competing for camera time.
MOLOKOV
The American player is not dressed appropriately according to the dress code. We trust this will change before Wednesday?
FREDDIE
(In t-shirt, khakis, penny loafers, and a jacket he bought at Sears.)
Not true! I am wearing a sport jacket, which is the full extent of the requirements.
ARBITER
Well, you do need to wear pants at all times as well, Mr. Trumper. I don't want a repeat of Zurich.
(FLORENCE blushes at this.)
The objection is overruled. Miss Vassy?
FLORENCE
The American delegation must protest the massive size of the Soviet delegation.
MOLOKOV
This is ridiculous! We only have four official representatives –
FLORENCE
Your chef is a grandmaster.
MOLOKOV
He is the best cook in Russia!
ARBITER
Objection overruled. Mr. Molokov?
MOLOKOV
We suspect that the American player's dark reflective glasses may contain illegal communications devices. We insist that he not wear them in the arena.
FLORENCE
Frederick's eyes are very sensitive to light and he has no choice. I don't even like him wearing the things.
ARBITER
Objection overruled.
IF YOU'RE THINKING OF THE KIND OF THING
THAT WE'VE SEEN IN THE PAST
CHANTING GURUS, WALKIE-TALKIES,
WALKOUTS, HYPNOTISTS,
TEMPERS, FISTS – NOT SO FAST
THIS IS NOT THE START OF WORLD WAR THREE
NO POLITICAL PLOYS
I THINK BOTH YOUR CONSTITUTIONS ARE TERRIFIC SO
NOW YOU KNOW – BE GOOD BOYS
I'M ON THE CASE!
CAN'T BE FOOLED!
ANY OBJECTION
IS OVERRULED
I'M THE ARBITER AND I KNOW BEST
ASSISTANTS
HE'S IMPARTIAL
DON'T PUSH HIM
HE'S UNIMPRESSED
ARBITER
YOU GOT YOUR TRICKS?
GOOD FOR YOU!
BUT THERE'S NO GAMBIT
I DON'T SEE THROUGH
I'M THE ARBITER
I KNOW THE SCORE
FROM SQUARE ONE
I'LL BE WATCHING ALL
SIXTY FOUR!
WALTER
I heartily agree with these sentiments. But, I feel that this match could easily become a very strong step in the commercial and financial growth of the game of chess. We would like to make a small, understated display courtesy of our corporate sponsors -
FLORENCE, MOLOKOV, RUSSIANS
Objection!
ARBITER
Overruled! Now, Mr. de Courcey, I see no reason to block such a creative proposal from coming to fruition. Get in touch with my office tomorrow.