Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy, Ex-SOLDIER, or the 2 Shin-Ra
guards. I do own The BMWTMMGOHA and the Chopper Deluxe Butcher Knife 5000.
I also own a pencil sharpener but that's not appearing in this story. The
above thingies that I said I don't own belong to Square Enix. The last
thing I own is a contract waiting to be signed by Hironobu Sakaguchi that
will turn over all Final Fantasy related thingies to me. Muahahaha.
Visions of Polygons
Chapter One - How to Play
~ means the author is talking (that's me!)
"Wheeee!" Ex-SOLDIER exclaims as he gracefully flips out the train.
"Uh...yeah..." says the black man with the menacing machine gun on his arm (now referred to as The BMWTMMGOHA . "C'mon newcomer, follow me." He runs off passing up two Shin-Ra guards who pay no mind to The BMWTMMGOHA and instead charges the unarmed spiky-headed man.
Suddenly, Ex-SOLDIER is face to faces with the two guards who now carry machine guns. And what's more, Ex-SOLDIER himself now carries a massive...butcher knife...sword thing.
"Where the hell did this come from?" he exclaims.
~You've had it the whole time dude.~
"What? No way! If I was carrying that thing around, then I wouldn't have been able to do that graceful flip a moment ago!"
~But you did have it and you managed to pull of that awesome flip with it. It was so awesome that you gained 5 levels just for doing it. You should feel special.~
"Levels? Just what the shit are you talking about? And who are you anyway?"
~You should pay attention to the problem at hand, dude.~
Ex-SOLDIER turns back to the guards just as one of them lets fly a spray of bullets on him for 4 damage.
"Oh, gods! I've been shot! My...life is flashing...before my...eyes... Goodbye...cruel world...
~Ex-SOLDIER, you're fine, get up. It only did 4 points of damage. You have like 170 HP left.~
Ex-SOLDIER gets up. "Hey, you're right! But why didn't I die? I got shot in the fucking face for Christ's sake! And what do you mean, 4 points of damage and 170 HP and all that nonsense?"
~See for yourself.~
"Huh?" Ex-SOLDIER turns again as the other guard shoots him. This time he sees the number 4 floating in front of him. "Interesting. That didn't even hurt, now that I think about it. Damn. And I was all set to die too. I just found Jesus and everything... So how do I fight back? I can't seem to move other than bobbing slightly up and down and reacting to their bullets."
~Select the attack command.~
"Attack command huh?" He looks around and sees a little blue menu floating beside him with the words Attack, Magic and Item. There is a finger pointing to Attack. He tries to touch it but his hand goes through it.
~You have to use your mind to control the curser.~
Ex-SOLDIER concentrates on making the finger click attack while a guard charges him and punches him for 7 damage. "Oww! 7? That punch hurt more than bullets! How the hell is that possible?"
~Don't ask me.~
Ex-SOLDIER finally manages to select attack (after taking 30 more damage) and he charges the enemy and slashes a guard for 53 damage. The guard disappears in a flash of red.
"Hell yeah! Did you see that shit? I kicked his ass good!"
~You act like this is your first time defeating an enemy.~
"It is, actually."
~You were in SOLDIER and you never killed anything?~
"Well I wasn't really in SOLDIER."
~(Sigh) You're not supposed to reveal that just yet.~
"I mean, I was in SOLDIER and I used my sword to make the peoples fall down."
~Yes. That's a good puppet.~
"What?!"
~Nothing. Now don't you have one more enemy to take care of? He's been hitting you for a while now. You should heal yourself.~
Ex-SOLDIER (now kneeling and in much pain) says "And how am I supposed to go about doing that?"
~Use the Item command and use a potion.~
He selects Item then potion. He pulls a bottle of green liquid out of thin air and throws it in the air. It shatters on his head and he his healed for 100 points.
~Good. Now finish off the guard.~
"Phew! I feel better! Hey, I didn't even know I had one of those potion thingies. And where did I pull it out from? What's this Magic command do? How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?"
~You ask too many questions. You pulled it out from a small compact black hole that follows you around and keeps all your possessions for you. Select Magic and then either Ice or Bolt. I'd say about 84,729 cups of sugar. Give or take a few hundred.~
He selects Magic then Ice and targets the guard. Ice is cast and it kills him.
"Sweet! I iced that mutha facko!"
~If you say that again, I will erase you from existence by turning the game off without saving.~
"Game? Saving? You've lost me."
~Not yet I haven't. Anyway, you'll find out all about that soon. Now it's time for your victory pose.~
"Victory pose? Hey, what the..." he is cut off as he uncontrollably twirls his sword around in the air and places it on his back. All the while, a catchy fanfare tune is played out of nowhere. "Hey, pretty cool! I want to do it again!" Ex-SOLDIER steps on a passing cockroach and he does his victory pose once again as the fanfare plays.
~You will stop now. Anyway, you just gained another level. Now you are level 7.~
Ex-SOLDIER flexes his muscles. "Hey, I feel stronger. Does that have anything to do with the fact that I just gained one of those level things?
~You're a smart one.~
"Heeeey! Where'd my Chopper Deluxe Butcher Knife 5000 go?"
~Your what?~
"My Chopper Deluxe Butcher Knife 5000! The big blade I had a minute ago."
~It's in your black hole thing with the rest of your items. You don't get to carry it around unless you are in a battle. And it's called a Buster Sword, not a Chopper Deluxe Butcher Knife 4000.~
"5000!"
~Whatever.~
Chapter 2 up soon! I hope you liked my attempt to make you laugh until you...explode... (my master plan to destroy all humans is almost complete!)
Visions of Polygons
Chapter One - How to Play
~ means the author is talking (that's me!)
"Wheeee!" Ex-SOLDIER exclaims as he gracefully flips out the train.
"Uh...yeah..." says the black man with the menacing machine gun on his arm (now referred to as The BMWTMMGOHA . "C'mon newcomer, follow me." He runs off passing up two Shin-Ra guards who pay no mind to The BMWTMMGOHA and instead charges the unarmed spiky-headed man.
Suddenly, Ex-SOLDIER is face to faces with the two guards who now carry machine guns. And what's more, Ex-SOLDIER himself now carries a massive...butcher knife...sword thing.
"Where the hell did this come from?" he exclaims.
~You've had it the whole time dude.~
"What? No way! If I was carrying that thing around, then I wouldn't have been able to do that graceful flip a moment ago!"
~But you did have it and you managed to pull of that awesome flip with it. It was so awesome that you gained 5 levels just for doing it. You should feel special.~
"Levels? Just what the shit are you talking about? And who are you anyway?"
~You should pay attention to the problem at hand, dude.~
Ex-SOLDIER turns back to the guards just as one of them lets fly a spray of bullets on him for 4 damage.
"Oh, gods! I've been shot! My...life is flashing...before my...eyes... Goodbye...cruel world...
~Ex-SOLDIER, you're fine, get up. It only did 4 points of damage. You have like 170 HP left.~
Ex-SOLDIER gets up. "Hey, you're right! But why didn't I die? I got shot in the fucking face for Christ's sake! And what do you mean, 4 points of damage and 170 HP and all that nonsense?"
~See for yourself.~
"Huh?" Ex-SOLDIER turns again as the other guard shoots him. This time he sees the number 4 floating in front of him. "Interesting. That didn't even hurt, now that I think about it. Damn. And I was all set to die too. I just found Jesus and everything... So how do I fight back? I can't seem to move other than bobbing slightly up and down and reacting to their bullets."
~Select the attack command.~
"Attack command huh?" He looks around and sees a little blue menu floating beside him with the words Attack, Magic and Item. There is a finger pointing to Attack. He tries to touch it but his hand goes through it.
~You have to use your mind to control the curser.~
Ex-SOLDIER concentrates on making the finger click attack while a guard charges him and punches him for 7 damage. "Oww! 7? That punch hurt more than bullets! How the hell is that possible?"
~Don't ask me.~
Ex-SOLDIER finally manages to select attack (after taking 30 more damage) and he charges the enemy and slashes a guard for 53 damage. The guard disappears in a flash of red.
"Hell yeah! Did you see that shit? I kicked his ass good!"
~You act like this is your first time defeating an enemy.~
"It is, actually."
~You were in SOLDIER and you never killed anything?~
"Well I wasn't really in SOLDIER."
~(Sigh) You're not supposed to reveal that just yet.~
"I mean, I was in SOLDIER and I used my sword to make the peoples fall down."
~Yes. That's a good puppet.~
"What?!"
~Nothing. Now don't you have one more enemy to take care of? He's been hitting you for a while now. You should heal yourself.~
Ex-SOLDIER (now kneeling and in much pain) says "And how am I supposed to go about doing that?"
~Use the Item command and use a potion.~
He selects Item then potion. He pulls a bottle of green liquid out of thin air and throws it in the air. It shatters on his head and he his healed for 100 points.
~Good. Now finish off the guard.~
"Phew! I feel better! Hey, I didn't even know I had one of those potion thingies. And where did I pull it out from? What's this Magic command do? How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?"
~You ask too many questions. You pulled it out from a small compact black hole that follows you around and keeps all your possessions for you. Select Magic and then either Ice or Bolt. I'd say about 84,729 cups of sugar. Give or take a few hundred.~
He selects Magic then Ice and targets the guard. Ice is cast and it kills him.
"Sweet! I iced that mutha facko!"
~If you say that again, I will erase you from existence by turning the game off without saving.~
"Game? Saving? You've lost me."
~Not yet I haven't. Anyway, you'll find out all about that soon. Now it's time for your victory pose.~
"Victory pose? Hey, what the..." he is cut off as he uncontrollably twirls his sword around in the air and places it on his back. All the while, a catchy fanfare tune is played out of nowhere. "Hey, pretty cool! I want to do it again!" Ex-SOLDIER steps on a passing cockroach and he does his victory pose once again as the fanfare plays.
~You will stop now. Anyway, you just gained another level. Now you are level 7.~
Ex-SOLDIER flexes his muscles. "Hey, I feel stronger. Does that have anything to do with the fact that I just gained one of those level things?
~You're a smart one.~
"Heeeey! Where'd my Chopper Deluxe Butcher Knife 5000 go?"
~Your what?~
"My Chopper Deluxe Butcher Knife 5000! The big blade I had a minute ago."
~It's in your black hole thing with the rest of your items. You don't get to carry it around unless you are in a battle. And it's called a Buster Sword, not a Chopper Deluxe Butcher Knife 4000.~
"5000!"
~Whatever.~
Chapter 2 up soon! I hope you liked my attempt to make you laugh until you...explode... (my master plan to destroy all humans is almost complete!)