Author: Hilda
Title: Solace
Warnings: shounen ai, fluffiness, annoying nervous ranting; later on, you will be treated to some nice angst, self-injury etc., etc.
Pairings: 2x4 (more so later on)
Disclaimer: I stole Gundam Wing - I am now holding it hostage. You're never getting it back, Sunrise...
Archive: If you are delusional and for some reason want it, sure - just e- mail me and tell me what the heck to do... n_n;;
Author's Note: My fragile psyche doesn't appreciate flames, so if it's not **constructive** criticism, please keep it to yourself...
//blahblah// = random thoughts, because I'm lazy/irregular - they won't be marked like that if they fit into the narration...
[6]
It had been two days since Quatre's encounter with the dark Shinigami. The night of the occurrence, the fragile blonde had sat up for no less than an hour, half expecting Duo to return to him once more. Of course, reflecting back upon it, it was a very stupid thing for him to have done. Obviously Duo wouldn't come back - who would, knowing that their friends couldn't keep to themselves? What made all this worse was the fact that he thought of this with a feeling very similar to bitterness; he couldn't possibly want a repeat of that night, it just wasn't feasible. After all, there was no way that he could be attracted to Duo... was there? It made Quatre's head hurt to think about these mysterious feelings, so he pushed them to the back of his mind, and instead concentrated on reducing the pile of paperwork that continued to replenish itself endlessly. While not a very exciting task, it did allow him escape from the real world, as well as an excuse to avoid the other boys at all costs.
It had rained that morning. The remaining clouds were doing all they could to impede any light from entering Quatre's window. The blue-eyed boy had found it calming as apposed to depressing, something very unusual, as he did not generally cope well with unnecessary darkness. It was not, however, very conducive to his productivity level. Once more, the blonde sat idly in his chair. There were very few new documents to be read and signed, so he didn't concern himself too much with being distracted. There would always be time to catch up. Having given up on the pen flip, Quatre had resorted to sketching small figures on an extra copy of a document. While he rarely drew, he was quite good at capturing expressions and feelings within a few rough lines. No one, except maybe Trowa, had ever seen his drawings, and Quatre usually threw them away. They weren't important enough to him to keep. On this day, the blonde had subconsciously begun to trace the form of a certain braided brunette. Though his face was hidden, there could be no mistaking the graceful lines of Duo Maxwell. There was something very sad about the posture, and Quatre, upon realizing his subject matter, felt a little guilty for drawing Duo like that. It just didn't seem very respectful, for some reason. He was just about to erase a line or two, when something interrupted his solitude.
"Hn." Quatre started and looked up quickly. Heero stared back from the doorway, looking as unsociable as ever. "Why Heero! H-how long have you been standing there?" He asked nervously, shuffling his papers to hide the sketches. It wouldn't do to have his weird preoccupation revealed to Heero. It didn't appear that he saw anything, but that didn't put the blonde any more at ease...
Heero just continued to glare in his typical fashion, ignoring the question. A few more seconds passed before he spoke again.
"You've been hiding out in here." It wasn't a question, or even an observation. The perfect soldier's inflection made the sentence seem more like a challenge, and a threatening one at that. Quatre recovered quickly enough, not wanting to give Heero any ground for some bizarre interrogation. He focused his eyes on cobalt blue and answered calmly.
"Not really - I've just been trying to catch up on the paper work for the corporation, that's all. I've been spending too much time slacking off lately... It's about time I took full responsibility for my late father's affairs rather than juggling them with my sisters. I would think you would understand that need to become more efficient..." He trailed off as he witnessed Heero's expression grow even more dangerous. This couldn't be good...
Still, the owner of the narrowed cobalt eyes remained fixed in the doorframe. Quatre felt strangely as if he was being examined for faults, each potential weakness analyzed and catalogued in that machine like mind... It reminded him of a predator observing its prey before moving in for the kill.
//Oh, this isn't intimidating in the *slightest*//
Quatre was about to speak up and ask Heero what he wanted, but stern words cut him off, as if their speaker could read the blonde's mind. "I need to talk to you. It's about Maxwell."
Pink rose up in pale cheeks before any thought of suppression could be conjured.
//Oh dear...//
The small boy struggled to keep his composure, but was sure that the perfect soldier had picked up on the falter.
"Um, alright... just sit down and we can talk. I can have one of the girls bring tea if you-" "That's not necessary." Heero clipped as he strode over to one of the chairs in the center of the office and sat down. Quatre couldn't help feeling that a teacup's presence would be sorely missed; with tension hanging thick in the air, it was all the blonde could do to keep from wringing his hands or fidgeting in some other way. Resisting the urge to hide behind the tall stack of finished paperwork, the small boy opted for a chair across from Heero.
//It's bad enough I've acted so strangely already. I can't afford to let Heero know I'm afraid of whatever he's going to say...//
The silence between them lasted mere seconds, although the blonde thought they felt more like hours, days even. But Heero, never one to waste his valuable time, began after only a few moments of further intimidation. "You have already observed the change in Maxwell's behavior, I assume." Heero seemed all business as he said it, but Quatre knew that only concern for a loved one could bring the introverted pilot to discuss these things. "Er, yes. He has been acting a little odd but I don-" "Of course you don't know why. If you did, I wouldn't need to speak with you."
This shut Quatre up immediately.
Heero sighed. It seemed as if he was looking for the right words to explain whatever it was that needed explaining. Unfortunately, the blunt nature of the statement that followed indicated that the search was a failure.
"He wants to kill himself. Maxwell wishes to free himself from this world, in order to ease suffering and become the emotionless "Shinigami" he so adores. Or something else equally obscure and illogical-"
This time it was the other boy's turn to interrupt.
"No, Heero, you must be mistaken... that can't be right. Duo wanting to kill himself? He may be acting weirder than usual, but he can't possibly be thinking of such foolish things as that!! It can't be true..."
"Are you suggesting that I do not know Duo?"
Quatre was mildly taken aback by Heero's use of a first name, an effective way to show his personal connection with the braided brunette. Heero continued, un-phased.
"Although I am not inclined to talk about the nature the relationship Duo and I previously shared, I may have to give a few recent details to prove my point." His eyes flashed dangerously as Quatre began to speak again.
"This is something you need to know Winner, you should let me finish." Quatre shifted in his chair, unsure why he felt so agitated at hearing these things. The cobalt eyes gave one more threatening stare before he continued on.
"For the past few months, Duo and I had what some might refer to as a romantic involvement. During this time, I have been exposed to a side of him that rarely sees the light of day. This side is a conflicted one, one that seeks release through the mutilation of ones own body. No doubt, you have noticed Duo's habit of wearing his sleeves rolled up was strangely thrown approximately 14 months ago. This act was not without reason. I have seen scars... many scars, as well as freshly inflicted wounds. I have tried to keep this side of him at bay, but I can only walk in on so many sessions of ritual mutilation before I decide enough is enough. I issued an ultimatum to Duo, that he must stop this behavior for his own good, because I would not tolerate it."
"... But he didn't stop, did he?"
"No."
"So you just left him?!" Quatre's level of anxiety had continued to rise as he was bombarded with information about Duo that no one should have to hear. It couldn't be true, and if it was, how could Heero just leave the brunette pilot? It was too cruel... "What if you were one of the only things holding him together? If all this is the truth, then shouldn't you be trying to comfort him, to help him?"
"Quatre, you must understand. That is exactly why I am speaking to you." Heero looked down in an unexpected display of frustration. He rested his head against his hands, a posture that gave him the look of a defeated old man. It disturbed the blonde to see Heero looking like that...
"I have done all I possibly could for Duo. Unfortunately, "unconditional love" isn't always a possibility, and I'm afraid our friend's heart has drifted over time, as has yours if those drawings are any clue..."
Quatre blushed for the millionth time that week, but couldn't be bothered to try to explain himself. "But that doesn't mean you can just drop him! Rejection hurts, no matter what the circumstance!! Heero, you shouldn't have done that..."
"What I did is not important. I am not asking for your forgiveness... I'm asking for your help. You must understand how difficult this is, Quatre. There is nothing left for me to do. I can no longer reach Duo. You are the only one who can help him now."
//And how the hell does he figure that?!//
Heero sighed again, knowing what Quatre was thinking without having to hear the words.
"You love unconditionally. You have the power to change those around you... and you've become taken with the young man who needs your attention the most. I suggest you "take responsibility"... stop shutting yourself in here to sulk. It's not productive, and Duo may become prey to the fate he wishes any day..."
With that, Heero glanced up to face the speechless Quatre, a resigned look in his cobalt eyes. "It is my hope that you can save him... I am truly sorry that I could not do more. Good luck, Quatre."
And with that he was gone, as quietly as he had entered, leaving the small stunned blonde to try to make sense out of this new information...
//How could I have been so stupid?? How could I not notice...//
Quatre suddenly felt compelled to find Duo and straighten this whole situation out immediately. At first, he wasn't sure where to look, but then recalled their previous encounter, and marched down the stairs in hopes of locating him in the garden. The doors creaked noisily behind him as the blonde strode down the steps and towards the maze of roses that grew on the Winner estate. It was easy enough to find the brunette, but when Quatre arrived, he was surprised by the tension that hung thick upon the air.
There sat Duo, perched listlessly on a stone bench shaded by an ivy-covered trellis. The boy looked pale, and was numbly fingering a blood red rose. But something wasn't right, the color... the color of the Winner roses was never that bold. Quatre's stomach dropped slightly as more crimson dripped from the stem to a small pool on the ground.
It was Duo's blood.
The brunette seemed to sense the other boy's presence, and looked up with clouded eyes. When he spoke, it was with a tone suspended halfway between surprise and hysterics.
"I can't feel it..." His eyes drifted absent-mindedly as Quatre looked on, unsure what to do. Duo sobbed once and crushed the thorny plant within his hands, tears escaping as blood continued to drip steadily from the shaking fists. "I can't feel anything at all..."
Quatre suddenly rushed for Duo, pulling him to the ground and into a hug. Shinigami's eyes widened slightly in surprise, and dropped the rose, reaching instinctively to return the embrace. The blonde was vaguely aware of blood being smeared across his neck as Duo pulled him closer. It didn't matter, though. At that moment in Quatre's universe, nothing mattered more than trying to help his friend...
//What can I possibly do to make this better? How can I fix this when I'm not even sure what's wrong??//
He felt a slight tremor as Duo took is a ragged breath against him.
"Keep me out of the darkness, Quat... please, I don't know what's happening; I don't know what to do... please, please help me to feel..."
This time the tremor originated with Quatre, as tears began to fall from his eyes as well. It wasn't fair that Duo had to go through this... It wasn't fair at all.
//I *will* fix this... No matter what it takes...//
The two boys stayed entwined for ages, time frozen for everyone but those encircled by roses... Duo eventually cried himself into a state of rest, physically exhausted from the sheer strain of his emotions. Quatre eventually fell asleep in the comfortable shade as well, not content to disturb Duo's temporary escape into dreams by attempting to move him. It was evening before he awoke again. A stiff neck and empty arms greeted him, the last things any one really wants...
Shinigami was gone.
Quatre dragged himself up slowly, then sat back on the bench, from which Duo had been so unceremoniously removed. He stared down at his hands and clenched them slowly, nails digging the familiar grooves of his palms.
"Duo... What am I going to do?"
- - - TBC - - -
Author's Note: Ack, that chapter was nothing short of utter crap. I mean, the other chapters were bad too, but I don't think I've ever come so close to achieving this low a quality of awkwardly worded, plot-less shit. It doesn't help that I did little more than a quick proofread for this section... Grrr, I don't even care. I've also realized recently how much I hate this story.... I will continue it, though. I need to get to some kind of a stopping point so that I don't feel entirely useless. In theory, I could end it at chapter 8, but we'll see how things go...
And oh yeah - go Prozac. Too bad it hasn't really kicked in yet...
- Hilda
Title: Solace
Warnings: shounen ai, fluffiness, annoying nervous ranting; later on, you will be treated to some nice angst, self-injury etc., etc.
Pairings: 2x4 (more so later on)
Disclaimer: I stole Gundam Wing - I am now holding it hostage. You're never getting it back, Sunrise...
Archive: If you are delusional and for some reason want it, sure - just e- mail me and tell me what the heck to do... n_n;;
Author's Note: My fragile psyche doesn't appreciate flames, so if it's not **constructive** criticism, please keep it to yourself...
//blahblah// = random thoughts, because I'm lazy/irregular - they won't be marked like that if they fit into the narration...
[6]
It had been two days since Quatre's encounter with the dark Shinigami. The night of the occurrence, the fragile blonde had sat up for no less than an hour, half expecting Duo to return to him once more. Of course, reflecting back upon it, it was a very stupid thing for him to have done. Obviously Duo wouldn't come back - who would, knowing that their friends couldn't keep to themselves? What made all this worse was the fact that he thought of this with a feeling very similar to bitterness; he couldn't possibly want a repeat of that night, it just wasn't feasible. After all, there was no way that he could be attracted to Duo... was there? It made Quatre's head hurt to think about these mysterious feelings, so he pushed them to the back of his mind, and instead concentrated on reducing the pile of paperwork that continued to replenish itself endlessly. While not a very exciting task, it did allow him escape from the real world, as well as an excuse to avoid the other boys at all costs.
It had rained that morning. The remaining clouds were doing all they could to impede any light from entering Quatre's window. The blue-eyed boy had found it calming as apposed to depressing, something very unusual, as he did not generally cope well with unnecessary darkness. It was not, however, very conducive to his productivity level. Once more, the blonde sat idly in his chair. There were very few new documents to be read and signed, so he didn't concern himself too much with being distracted. There would always be time to catch up. Having given up on the pen flip, Quatre had resorted to sketching small figures on an extra copy of a document. While he rarely drew, he was quite good at capturing expressions and feelings within a few rough lines. No one, except maybe Trowa, had ever seen his drawings, and Quatre usually threw them away. They weren't important enough to him to keep. On this day, the blonde had subconsciously begun to trace the form of a certain braided brunette. Though his face was hidden, there could be no mistaking the graceful lines of Duo Maxwell. There was something very sad about the posture, and Quatre, upon realizing his subject matter, felt a little guilty for drawing Duo like that. It just didn't seem very respectful, for some reason. He was just about to erase a line or two, when something interrupted his solitude.
"Hn." Quatre started and looked up quickly. Heero stared back from the doorway, looking as unsociable as ever. "Why Heero! H-how long have you been standing there?" He asked nervously, shuffling his papers to hide the sketches. It wouldn't do to have his weird preoccupation revealed to Heero. It didn't appear that he saw anything, but that didn't put the blonde any more at ease...
Heero just continued to glare in his typical fashion, ignoring the question. A few more seconds passed before he spoke again.
"You've been hiding out in here." It wasn't a question, or even an observation. The perfect soldier's inflection made the sentence seem more like a challenge, and a threatening one at that. Quatre recovered quickly enough, not wanting to give Heero any ground for some bizarre interrogation. He focused his eyes on cobalt blue and answered calmly.
"Not really - I've just been trying to catch up on the paper work for the corporation, that's all. I've been spending too much time slacking off lately... It's about time I took full responsibility for my late father's affairs rather than juggling them with my sisters. I would think you would understand that need to become more efficient..." He trailed off as he witnessed Heero's expression grow even more dangerous. This couldn't be good...
Still, the owner of the narrowed cobalt eyes remained fixed in the doorframe. Quatre felt strangely as if he was being examined for faults, each potential weakness analyzed and catalogued in that machine like mind... It reminded him of a predator observing its prey before moving in for the kill.
//Oh, this isn't intimidating in the *slightest*//
Quatre was about to speak up and ask Heero what he wanted, but stern words cut him off, as if their speaker could read the blonde's mind. "I need to talk to you. It's about Maxwell."
Pink rose up in pale cheeks before any thought of suppression could be conjured.
//Oh dear...//
The small boy struggled to keep his composure, but was sure that the perfect soldier had picked up on the falter.
"Um, alright... just sit down and we can talk. I can have one of the girls bring tea if you-" "That's not necessary." Heero clipped as he strode over to one of the chairs in the center of the office and sat down. Quatre couldn't help feeling that a teacup's presence would be sorely missed; with tension hanging thick in the air, it was all the blonde could do to keep from wringing his hands or fidgeting in some other way. Resisting the urge to hide behind the tall stack of finished paperwork, the small boy opted for a chair across from Heero.
//It's bad enough I've acted so strangely already. I can't afford to let Heero know I'm afraid of whatever he's going to say...//
The silence between them lasted mere seconds, although the blonde thought they felt more like hours, days even. But Heero, never one to waste his valuable time, began after only a few moments of further intimidation. "You have already observed the change in Maxwell's behavior, I assume." Heero seemed all business as he said it, but Quatre knew that only concern for a loved one could bring the introverted pilot to discuss these things. "Er, yes. He has been acting a little odd but I don-" "Of course you don't know why. If you did, I wouldn't need to speak with you."
This shut Quatre up immediately.
Heero sighed. It seemed as if he was looking for the right words to explain whatever it was that needed explaining. Unfortunately, the blunt nature of the statement that followed indicated that the search was a failure.
"He wants to kill himself. Maxwell wishes to free himself from this world, in order to ease suffering and become the emotionless "Shinigami" he so adores. Or something else equally obscure and illogical-"
This time it was the other boy's turn to interrupt.
"No, Heero, you must be mistaken... that can't be right. Duo wanting to kill himself? He may be acting weirder than usual, but he can't possibly be thinking of such foolish things as that!! It can't be true..."
"Are you suggesting that I do not know Duo?"
Quatre was mildly taken aback by Heero's use of a first name, an effective way to show his personal connection with the braided brunette. Heero continued, un-phased.
"Although I am not inclined to talk about the nature the relationship Duo and I previously shared, I may have to give a few recent details to prove my point." His eyes flashed dangerously as Quatre began to speak again.
"This is something you need to know Winner, you should let me finish." Quatre shifted in his chair, unsure why he felt so agitated at hearing these things. The cobalt eyes gave one more threatening stare before he continued on.
"For the past few months, Duo and I had what some might refer to as a romantic involvement. During this time, I have been exposed to a side of him that rarely sees the light of day. This side is a conflicted one, one that seeks release through the mutilation of ones own body. No doubt, you have noticed Duo's habit of wearing his sleeves rolled up was strangely thrown approximately 14 months ago. This act was not without reason. I have seen scars... many scars, as well as freshly inflicted wounds. I have tried to keep this side of him at bay, but I can only walk in on so many sessions of ritual mutilation before I decide enough is enough. I issued an ultimatum to Duo, that he must stop this behavior for his own good, because I would not tolerate it."
"... But he didn't stop, did he?"
"No."
"So you just left him?!" Quatre's level of anxiety had continued to rise as he was bombarded with information about Duo that no one should have to hear. It couldn't be true, and if it was, how could Heero just leave the brunette pilot? It was too cruel... "What if you were one of the only things holding him together? If all this is the truth, then shouldn't you be trying to comfort him, to help him?"
"Quatre, you must understand. That is exactly why I am speaking to you." Heero looked down in an unexpected display of frustration. He rested his head against his hands, a posture that gave him the look of a defeated old man. It disturbed the blonde to see Heero looking like that...
"I have done all I possibly could for Duo. Unfortunately, "unconditional love" isn't always a possibility, and I'm afraid our friend's heart has drifted over time, as has yours if those drawings are any clue..."
Quatre blushed for the millionth time that week, but couldn't be bothered to try to explain himself. "But that doesn't mean you can just drop him! Rejection hurts, no matter what the circumstance!! Heero, you shouldn't have done that..."
"What I did is not important. I am not asking for your forgiveness... I'm asking for your help. You must understand how difficult this is, Quatre. There is nothing left for me to do. I can no longer reach Duo. You are the only one who can help him now."
//And how the hell does he figure that?!//
Heero sighed again, knowing what Quatre was thinking without having to hear the words.
"You love unconditionally. You have the power to change those around you... and you've become taken with the young man who needs your attention the most. I suggest you "take responsibility"... stop shutting yourself in here to sulk. It's not productive, and Duo may become prey to the fate he wishes any day..."
With that, Heero glanced up to face the speechless Quatre, a resigned look in his cobalt eyes. "It is my hope that you can save him... I am truly sorry that I could not do more. Good luck, Quatre."
And with that he was gone, as quietly as he had entered, leaving the small stunned blonde to try to make sense out of this new information...
//How could I have been so stupid?? How could I not notice...//
Quatre suddenly felt compelled to find Duo and straighten this whole situation out immediately. At first, he wasn't sure where to look, but then recalled their previous encounter, and marched down the stairs in hopes of locating him in the garden. The doors creaked noisily behind him as the blonde strode down the steps and towards the maze of roses that grew on the Winner estate. It was easy enough to find the brunette, but when Quatre arrived, he was surprised by the tension that hung thick upon the air.
There sat Duo, perched listlessly on a stone bench shaded by an ivy-covered trellis. The boy looked pale, and was numbly fingering a blood red rose. But something wasn't right, the color... the color of the Winner roses was never that bold. Quatre's stomach dropped slightly as more crimson dripped from the stem to a small pool on the ground.
It was Duo's blood.
The brunette seemed to sense the other boy's presence, and looked up with clouded eyes. When he spoke, it was with a tone suspended halfway between surprise and hysterics.
"I can't feel it..." His eyes drifted absent-mindedly as Quatre looked on, unsure what to do. Duo sobbed once and crushed the thorny plant within his hands, tears escaping as blood continued to drip steadily from the shaking fists. "I can't feel anything at all..."
Quatre suddenly rushed for Duo, pulling him to the ground and into a hug. Shinigami's eyes widened slightly in surprise, and dropped the rose, reaching instinctively to return the embrace. The blonde was vaguely aware of blood being smeared across his neck as Duo pulled him closer. It didn't matter, though. At that moment in Quatre's universe, nothing mattered more than trying to help his friend...
//What can I possibly do to make this better? How can I fix this when I'm not even sure what's wrong??//
He felt a slight tremor as Duo took is a ragged breath against him.
"Keep me out of the darkness, Quat... please, I don't know what's happening; I don't know what to do... please, please help me to feel..."
This time the tremor originated with Quatre, as tears began to fall from his eyes as well. It wasn't fair that Duo had to go through this... It wasn't fair at all.
//I *will* fix this... No matter what it takes...//
The two boys stayed entwined for ages, time frozen for everyone but those encircled by roses... Duo eventually cried himself into a state of rest, physically exhausted from the sheer strain of his emotions. Quatre eventually fell asleep in the comfortable shade as well, not content to disturb Duo's temporary escape into dreams by attempting to move him. It was evening before he awoke again. A stiff neck and empty arms greeted him, the last things any one really wants...
Shinigami was gone.
Quatre dragged himself up slowly, then sat back on the bench, from which Duo had been so unceremoniously removed. He stared down at his hands and clenched them slowly, nails digging the familiar grooves of his palms.
"Duo... What am I going to do?"
- - - TBC - - -
Author's Note: Ack, that chapter was nothing short of utter crap. I mean, the other chapters were bad too, but I don't think I've ever come so close to achieving this low a quality of awkwardly worded, plot-less shit. It doesn't help that I did little more than a quick proofread for this section... Grrr, I don't even care. I've also realized recently how much I hate this story.... I will continue it, though. I need to get to some kind of a stopping point so that I don't feel entirely useless. In theory, I could end it at chapter 8, but we'll see how things go...
And oh yeah - go Prozac. Too bad it hasn't really kicked in yet...
- Hilda