Disclaimer- Lord of the Rings is not mine. Some people enjoy telling me
this repeatedly in flame e-mails. Enjoy. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Die Legolas Die 2- Because the first one didn't piss enough people off!
So yeah here we are again. Let's get started!
So anyway, the Fellowship left Rivendell, and as usual Legolas was throwing a fit because Gandalf was too cheap to get a taxi. Or an eagle. If Gandalf is so chummy with them, why didn't he get one of them to destroy the stupid ring? Jesus he's such a dope.
But back to the main point of our story, Legolas is a whiny dweeb.
"I'm tired Gandalf!" he whined, "Why can't we take a rest?"
Gandalf gritted his teeth, "Because we just took one five minutes ago."
"I think I would remember something like that."
Boromir snorted, "You don't remember anything but your name and the brand of your hair-dye."
"You're hurting my feelings Boringman."
Boromir turned a bright red as he hopped up and down screaming at the top of his lungs, "For the *&$%$ing last time! It's BOROMIR!!! B-O-R-O-M-I- R! BOROMIR!"
Legolas smiled stupidly, "Exactly. B-o-t-q-x-z-I'm a stupid moron! That's how you spell Boringman, Boringman!"
Boromir threw his hands up in the air and stomped off leaving a triumphant looking Legolas behind. He blew kisses to an imaginary audience from which he was probably getting a lot of imaginary boos but was too stupid to understand that it was a bad thing.
"Thank you! Thank you! Hooked on Phonics worked for me! You should buy it too! Call in the next 28.482 minutes and receive a free look at my ass! Call 276-4686!" At this point, Legolas mooned Frodo and Sam. Sam immediately started wonking off, but Frodo hurled all over Legolas' ass. Legolas ran away screaming the second the vomit touched him.
"AHH! GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF! AIEEEE! UNCLEAN! I HAVE HOBBIT GERMS!"
Then he tripped over his pants and Merry and Pippin randomly popped up, enraged.
"Did he just imply that we have germs?" Merry screamed.
"But Merry, we do spend a lot of time getting our hands dirty."
Gimli, having a sick mind and a sicker body, smiled in Pippin's general direction. You could see a bulge in his pants. Aragorn smacked him in the head,
"Having a hobbit-fetish is WRONG you stupid twit."
Merry, unaware of what Aragorn was talking about, shrugged and said,
"True, but we're just looking for an opportunity to beat up on Legolas."
Pippin nodded, "Good point. I'm still mad at him for tripping me."
"Point taken. Personally, I just wanna kill him because when you get right down to it, he's responsible for the whole Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh thing."
"So what are we waiting for? Let's get the b*stard!"
And with that, the dynamic duo, oh wait, that's Sam and Frodo, anyway, Merry and Pippin leapt at Legolas. They kicked him in his girly little gonads, wait, what? Did I really just write that? Well anyway.
"This is for being an insensitive prick!" Pippin screamed as kicked Legolas up the ass so hard that his foot got wedged up there. This had no ill effect; in fact Legolas started screaming for more. Pippin freaked out, got his foot out, and wiped the Lego-crap off. . . .on Legolas' hair!
"AIEEEEE!!! YOU DID NOT JUST PUT SH*T IN MY HAIR YOU MISERABLE HOBBIT @#*&%!!!" Legolas yelled as he jumped up and strangled Pippin.
"Gah! He's stronger than he looks!" gasped Pippin as Legolas shook him violently.
Then Merry hit Legolas over the head with a metal chair that had magically appeared from nowhere, "That was for not getting me medical attention." Then, almost as an afterthought, Merry hit Legolas with the chair again, "And that was for abusing Pippin just now."
However, Legolas' grip did not loosen, so Pippin kneed Legolas in what would have been his crotch were Legolas a hobbit, but seeing as he wasn't, it hit him in the knee. Legolas and Pippin both hopped around on one foot, nursing their knees. Frodo decided it would be pretty funny if he did something really stupid, so he bent down (Sam popped one) put his fingers on his head like they were horns and prepared to charge Legolas. He charged, but slipped in some of Sam's splooge (Sam was wonking off, remember?). He hit the ground with a sickening thud, and everyone winced, including the insensitive prick we all know as Legolas. The Ring popped off and wandered off using its own willpower.
"NOO! COME BACK BABY!" screamed Boromir as he ran after the ring, "I LOVE YOU!!"
"It has taken Boromir!" shouted Gandalf in alarm.
"No sh*t dumb-*ss," Aragorn stated calmly as he walked after Boromir, "Don't crap yourself old stuff, I'll handle this."
"Yeah, great, leave ME with the hard stuff." Gandalf looked back towards Legolas and the hobbits, the latter trying to beat former to death with pieces of driftwood. Legolas still hadn't had the sense to pull up his pants and only Sam was enjoying the view, but that was quickly wearing off because he felt unfaithful to 'Mr.' Frodo, who had started the whole mess in the first place.
Speaking of Frodo, the little freak had just gone insane, this time I'm pretty sure for good, unless he gets to be unspeakably annoying.
"I am Superman!" Frodo screamed as he ran towards the nearest conveniently placed cliff, "Tata-tada!" (yes I will do this until I can't think of any more superheroes)
Merry sighed, "Jesus, what a dope."
Legolas whacked him with. . . well, um, yeah, but anyways, it didn't hurt Merry but it really grossed him out.
"GROSS! WTF WAS THAT FOR?"
Legolas pulled a pouty face, "You were saying mean things about Jesus."
"No," said Pippin, "He was saying mean things about you."
"Oh, okay. But remember, what would Jesus do?"
Pippin sighed, "You just got that from watching PBS or some other ungodly wholesome TV network."
"And," Merry piped in, "Jesus would probably have beaten you to death with random sticks of drift-wood long ago."
"So in a way dumbass," said Pippin non-chalantly, "We ARE Jesus."
Merry smiled, "Yeah, bow down before us. . . . . . . and pull up your pants man, no one wants to see that."
"I DOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
Pippin whirled around, "Who said that," he turned to Merry, who had turned a pasty white, "Merry? Jesus Christ what's wrong with you man?"
"YOU DID IT AGAIN!"
Pippin gave Legolas the finger. Followed closely by the bird. Merry pointed in a random direction,
"FANGIRLS!!!" he gasped through his fear.
Aragorn and Boromir came running back, the latter had the ring on its chain, and both were terrified. Behind them followed a wave of fangirls, screaming and holding up pens and notepads and all manner of signs with things like "F--- me Legolas!" and "I'm Frodo's B----!!!!" on them.
"GAH!" screamed Gimli, "Fangirls! I'm doomed!"
Gandalf reluctantly threw his arm around Gimli's shoulder, "Gimli, between the two of us, we have probably about eight fans in that entire horde of screaming teenagers. And out of that, 5 are probably gay perverted cross-dressers."
"Well this sucks," pouted Gimli, "I'm gonna cry."
"Oh get over it you big baby."
"FANGIRLS?" shouted the deranged Frodo, "I will save you! I am the man of steel!" And with that, he leapt at the Fangirls, obviously intending to fly over them and lay them to waste with heat vision, not a bad plan actually. Its only downside was, he was just a normal-hobbit-who- slipped-on-his-wierdly-obsessed-best-friend's-sploodge-and-was-made-insane. NHWSHWOBFSWMI for short, um, yeah, right. So naturally, being a NHWSHWOBFSWMI, he couldn't fly so he plopped down, unfortunately, into a knot of girls who were carrying posters that said something like "I love Frodo Watson! (DAMN I mean Baggins)" (yeah Frodo, threw that one in for you, you stupid pile of hobbit-look-alike Gollum sodomizer)
"Ack! Kryptonite!" wailed the unhinged hobbit as he was gang raped by about a thousand Fangirls.
"Oh bloody hell," yelled Gandalf, "We've lost the freakin' ringbearer!"
"Does that mean I get it now?" inquired Boromir eagerly.
"Um, no."
"Well shit."
By this time, Merry and Pippin had knocked Legolas senseless long enough to pull up his pants.
"Well this sucks," said Pippin, taking Legolas' usual job of stating the obvious.
Fortunately, Merry kept his head. He grabbed Pippin and Legolas and they both dragged the stupid nancy into a clump of bushes were they could still be clearly seen beating the ever-loving crap out of Legolas. Everybody else followed their example and hid under obvious clumps of bush and rocky overhangs, and Sam huddled under his blanket. Dumbass. He too was gang-raped by about a hundred fan-girls. Oh well, saves me writing a scene where Frodo and Sam engage in well, yeah.
At last the screaming horde of Fangirls passed. Gandalf stood up, threw out his back and fell screaming off a cliff. So Aragorn took charge, but he was distracted by a big patch of wild marijuana (is there such a thing? I'm not a druggie like you people). So Pippin took charge, and as a first order of business, he ordered Legolas to be thrown off a cliff.
"AIEEEEEEEEEeeeee. . . .OOFF!!!" Legolas cried as he fell to the bottom.
"That felt really, really, really good," said Merry.
"I didn't realize that you two were gay," said Gimli as he winked slyly.
Merry and Pippin looked at each other, then back at Gimli.
After tossing Gimli off the cliff so he could be with Legolas and Gandalf, Pippin decided it was time for 5673rd breakfast or whatever. Seeing Sam had all the food, they were forced to wander near his comatose form that was dripping with bodily fluids (of a nature I will not describe) to get his enormous 'packet', as he himself called it in Chapter 3 of the Fellowship of the Ring.
"I'm not touching it," declared Aragorn.
"Me neither."
"Forget it."
"No way."
"ME 3834th!" shouted Legolas from the bottom of the cliff.
Pippin ran over to the cliff edge and kicked some random debris over, "QUIET YOU! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!!!!"
"If he was, would the deranged author still be writing? This fic is, after all, called Die Legolas die."
"True."
So in the end they hauled Legolas up by his hair, earning them all a bunch of painless bitch-slaps. They left Gandalf and Gimli, because neither of them had much bearing on the extremely thin plot of this fic. And they weren't about to touch Frodo or Sam either.
So they wandered on, to what purpose I know not. Perhaps they were searching for a Bath and Body Works, or perhaps a Victoria's Secret. Aragorn is a horny pervert after all.
Eventually they came to this random pool of nasty water, which Legolas attempted to bathe in. This elicited a giant tentacle monster straight out of some sort of hentai to come out and beat the crap out of Legolas, who cried like a girl the whole time.
"I want my mommy!" whined the moron, "I want some chocolate! I want my hair to be clean and an eighth-shade darker! WAHHHH!!!!"
The giant hentai tentacle monster eventually got fed up with this and flung Legolas to the ground with a bone-jarring crunch. He leapt to his feet,
"And don't you forget it! I win! YAY! I need that hair dye now. Oh," he turned to the others, "I'm okay, thanks for your concern."
"Oh, yeah, um yay, yay, cheer, cheer, huzzah," said Pippin sarcastically.
So they walked into this random cave thingie and the hentai tentacle monster sealed the exit behind them.
"HELP!" screamed Legolas.
"What's wrong?" asked Boromir.
"I don't like the dark, I can't see how pretty I am."
"Urk!"
"Oh great," yelled Boromir, "You just made Aragorn commit suicide."
"It's not my fault I'm so sexy!"
Boromir probably would have killed himself too, but suddenly they were blinded by the appearance of a very pissed off Balrog. It pointed to Legolas and boomed,
"You have brought the pestilence of fangirls upon this Middle Earth. For this you shall perish."
"Okay, but I don't know what half those words mean."
The Balrog sat back on its haunches, evidently waiting for something. Boromir played with the Ring, Merry picked his teeth, Pippin brushed up on his Calculus, and Legolas stood around kissing the reflections in his swords. After about an hour the Balrog roared in frustration,
"God Damn it! Aren't any of you three going to challenge me?"
Boromir shook his head vehemently, "Hell no! Kill him!"
"Hell, we'll even hold him down for you."
"YEAH! SEND HIM TO HELL!" shouted Legolas.
They all stared at him. Pippin cleared his throat,
"Um, Legolas, you do realize we're talking about you."
Legolas shook his head, "No way. There's no way you could be talking about me. I'm a sexy bitch! 'Kay? You must be talking about him," he pointed at Merry, "He's ugly and he has a fish fetish."
Merry jumped up and ran to strangle Legolas, "I WANTED A FREAKING DOCTOR NOT A FISH YOU F%*&#@ING BASTARD!! YOU F#&*#ING KILLED ME!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!!!! DAMN YOU TO THE FIRES OF THAT EXTRA NASTY PLACE THEY HAVE IN HELL FOR WACKJOBS LIKE YOU!!!! Uh-oh, blood pressure rising to dangerous levels. . ." Merry muttered. Suddenly and without warning, his head exploded from the immense pressure and brains flew everywhere.
"EWWWW!!!!" squealed Legolas, "I have brains in my perfect hair! Where are fruit bats when you need them?"
"That was so disgusting and random I'm going to have to kill you now," said the Balrog calmly and rationally.
"Good," said Pippin, casually wiping brains off himself as if this happened regularly, "Can we watch?"
"Um, little fellow, I'm using the plural 'you', as in you, the nancy and necrophiliac."
"I am NOT a necrophiliac!" shouted Boromir, "It was just one time!"
"And with the one who killed himself just a little while ago."
"Damn, you were watching us for a while weren't you?"
"Mmmm, yep."
Pippin looked at Boromir in shock, "So not only do you show creepy affection to the ring, you also like to screw dead people?"
"OOH! OOH! ME! THAT'S ME!! I LIKE TO SCREW DEAD THINGS, if they have the right makeup and wardrobe!"
"Shut the &%^$ up Legolas."
"That's just sick," shouted the Balrog, "I'm going to kill you all before you bestow me with any more disturbing images!"
"Oh shit, RUN!!" screamed Pippin.
So they ran. Legolas was the fastest and also the biggest coward so he got to the bridge of Khazad Dum first.
"Wow, that was quick," panted Pippin. He looked back to see that they had come about thirty feet, it's just that the entire scene was done in slow motion. Suddenly, Gandalf appeared in the middle of the bridge,
"YOU CANNOT PASS!!!"
Boromir sighed, "Um, we kinda need to Gandalf."
"Oh, sorry," the senile old fool said as he moved a step to the right. He hung in midair for a moment like in a cartoon, then looked down, looked up, did a double take and scrambled for the edge. Then gravity went came back from its brief coffee break and the wizard fell.
"FLY YOU FOOLS!!!!!!"
Legolas shrugged, "Eh, okay."
He jumped off the bridge, screaming 'I love shampoo and raving mad gay orgies!' as he fell into darkness. (but they could hear both of them hit bottom like six seconds after they fell, so fat whoop)
"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!" screamed the Balrog, "I wanted to kill him!!" and so it jumped off too.
Boromir and Pippin high-fived each other and walked out of the cave. No sex you sick fangirls. They got high and ate pizza and Buffalo wings and drank beer and did other things that straight guys do. And eventually Boromir and Pippin kicked some major ass at Amon Hen, then went on to save Rohan, Gondor, 24 maidens in distress, (but they all turned out to be Mary- sues, so they killed them all) and Boromir destroyed the ring and saved all of Middle Earth, yay!
THE END
Right, I thought that I had better clear this up. I do not hate book- Legolas. I hate the movie-Legolas, because Orlando Bloom is apparently hot. This does not make me jealous; it makes me angry because it drives hundreds of hormonally driven teenage girls to FF.net every day. This story is an expression of that anger. It is also a (bad) attempt to make fangirls realize just how silly their obsession with Legolas/Orlando Bloom is.
In this purpose it has been somewhat successful. Almost eight people have either contacted me and telling me that they are cured, or they yell at me, and I yell back and in some mystical way it all works out the same.
I am not telling you to stop writing Legomances or whatever the hell you want to call them. I am telling you to stop making said Legomances crap. Many of you have talent. Don't squander it on idiotic Mary-sues. I would truly appreciate it if you heed my words and cease your squeeing and write something to be proud of! Get cracking!
Die Legolas Die 2- Because the first one didn't piss enough people off!
So yeah here we are again. Let's get started!
So anyway, the Fellowship left Rivendell, and as usual Legolas was throwing a fit because Gandalf was too cheap to get a taxi. Or an eagle. If Gandalf is so chummy with them, why didn't he get one of them to destroy the stupid ring? Jesus he's such a dope.
But back to the main point of our story, Legolas is a whiny dweeb.
"I'm tired Gandalf!" he whined, "Why can't we take a rest?"
Gandalf gritted his teeth, "Because we just took one five minutes ago."
"I think I would remember something like that."
Boromir snorted, "You don't remember anything but your name and the brand of your hair-dye."
"You're hurting my feelings Boringman."
Boromir turned a bright red as he hopped up and down screaming at the top of his lungs, "For the *&$%$ing last time! It's BOROMIR!!! B-O-R-O-M-I- R! BOROMIR!"
Legolas smiled stupidly, "Exactly. B-o-t-q-x-z-I'm a stupid moron! That's how you spell Boringman, Boringman!"
Boromir threw his hands up in the air and stomped off leaving a triumphant looking Legolas behind. He blew kisses to an imaginary audience from which he was probably getting a lot of imaginary boos but was too stupid to understand that it was a bad thing.
"Thank you! Thank you! Hooked on Phonics worked for me! You should buy it too! Call in the next 28.482 minutes and receive a free look at my ass! Call 276-4686!" At this point, Legolas mooned Frodo and Sam. Sam immediately started wonking off, but Frodo hurled all over Legolas' ass. Legolas ran away screaming the second the vomit touched him.
"AHH! GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF! AIEEEE! UNCLEAN! I HAVE HOBBIT GERMS!"
Then he tripped over his pants and Merry and Pippin randomly popped up, enraged.
"Did he just imply that we have germs?" Merry screamed.
"But Merry, we do spend a lot of time getting our hands dirty."
Gimli, having a sick mind and a sicker body, smiled in Pippin's general direction. You could see a bulge in his pants. Aragorn smacked him in the head,
"Having a hobbit-fetish is WRONG you stupid twit."
Merry, unaware of what Aragorn was talking about, shrugged and said,
"True, but we're just looking for an opportunity to beat up on Legolas."
Pippin nodded, "Good point. I'm still mad at him for tripping me."
"Point taken. Personally, I just wanna kill him because when you get right down to it, he's responsible for the whole Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh thing."
"So what are we waiting for? Let's get the b*stard!"
And with that, the dynamic duo, oh wait, that's Sam and Frodo, anyway, Merry and Pippin leapt at Legolas. They kicked him in his girly little gonads, wait, what? Did I really just write that? Well anyway.
"This is for being an insensitive prick!" Pippin screamed as kicked Legolas up the ass so hard that his foot got wedged up there. This had no ill effect; in fact Legolas started screaming for more. Pippin freaked out, got his foot out, and wiped the Lego-crap off. . . .on Legolas' hair!
"AIEEEEE!!! YOU DID NOT JUST PUT SH*T IN MY HAIR YOU MISERABLE HOBBIT @#*&%!!!" Legolas yelled as he jumped up and strangled Pippin.
"Gah! He's stronger than he looks!" gasped Pippin as Legolas shook him violently.
Then Merry hit Legolas over the head with a metal chair that had magically appeared from nowhere, "That was for not getting me medical attention." Then, almost as an afterthought, Merry hit Legolas with the chair again, "And that was for abusing Pippin just now."
However, Legolas' grip did not loosen, so Pippin kneed Legolas in what would have been his crotch were Legolas a hobbit, but seeing as he wasn't, it hit him in the knee. Legolas and Pippin both hopped around on one foot, nursing their knees. Frodo decided it would be pretty funny if he did something really stupid, so he bent down (Sam popped one) put his fingers on his head like they were horns and prepared to charge Legolas. He charged, but slipped in some of Sam's splooge (Sam was wonking off, remember?). He hit the ground with a sickening thud, and everyone winced, including the insensitive prick we all know as Legolas. The Ring popped off and wandered off using its own willpower.
"NOO! COME BACK BABY!" screamed Boromir as he ran after the ring, "I LOVE YOU!!"
"It has taken Boromir!" shouted Gandalf in alarm.
"No sh*t dumb-*ss," Aragorn stated calmly as he walked after Boromir, "Don't crap yourself old stuff, I'll handle this."
"Yeah, great, leave ME with the hard stuff." Gandalf looked back towards Legolas and the hobbits, the latter trying to beat former to death with pieces of driftwood. Legolas still hadn't had the sense to pull up his pants and only Sam was enjoying the view, but that was quickly wearing off because he felt unfaithful to 'Mr.' Frodo, who had started the whole mess in the first place.
Speaking of Frodo, the little freak had just gone insane, this time I'm pretty sure for good, unless he gets to be unspeakably annoying.
"I am Superman!" Frodo screamed as he ran towards the nearest conveniently placed cliff, "Tata-tada!" (yes I will do this until I can't think of any more superheroes)
Merry sighed, "Jesus, what a dope."
Legolas whacked him with. . . well, um, yeah, but anyways, it didn't hurt Merry but it really grossed him out.
"GROSS! WTF WAS THAT FOR?"
Legolas pulled a pouty face, "You were saying mean things about Jesus."
"No," said Pippin, "He was saying mean things about you."
"Oh, okay. But remember, what would Jesus do?"
Pippin sighed, "You just got that from watching PBS or some other ungodly wholesome TV network."
"And," Merry piped in, "Jesus would probably have beaten you to death with random sticks of drift-wood long ago."
"So in a way dumbass," said Pippin non-chalantly, "We ARE Jesus."
Merry smiled, "Yeah, bow down before us. . . . . . . and pull up your pants man, no one wants to see that."
"I DOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
Pippin whirled around, "Who said that," he turned to Merry, who had turned a pasty white, "Merry? Jesus Christ what's wrong with you man?"
"YOU DID IT AGAIN!"
Pippin gave Legolas the finger. Followed closely by the bird. Merry pointed in a random direction,
"FANGIRLS!!!" he gasped through his fear.
Aragorn and Boromir came running back, the latter had the ring on its chain, and both were terrified. Behind them followed a wave of fangirls, screaming and holding up pens and notepads and all manner of signs with things like "F--- me Legolas!" and "I'm Frodo's B----!!!!" on them.
"GAH!" screamed Gimli, "Fangirls! I'm doomed!"
Gandalf reluctantly threw his arm around Gimli's shoulder, "Gimli, between the two of us, we have probably about eight fans in that entire horde of screaming teenagers. And out of that, 5 are probably gay perverted cross-dressers."
"Well this sucks," pouted Gimli, "I'm gonna cry."
"Oh get over it you big baby."
"FANGIRLS?" shouted the deranged Frodo, "I will save you! I am the man of steel!" And with that, he leapt at the Fangirls, obviously intending to fly over them and lay them to waste with heat vision, not a bad plan actually. Its only downside was, he was just a normal-hobbit-who- slipped-on-his-wierdly-obsessed-best-friend's-sploodge-and-was-made-insane. NHWSHWOBFSWMI for short, um, yeah, right. So naturally, being a NHWSHWOBFSWMI, he couldn't fly so he plopped down, unfortunately, into a knot of girls who were carrying posters that said something like "I love Frodo Watson! (DAMN I mean Baggins)" (yeah Frodo, threw that one in for you, you stupid pile of hobbit-look-alike Gollum sodomizer)
"Ack! Kryptonite!" wailed the unhinged hobbit as he was gang raped by about a thousand Fangirls.
"Oh bloody hell," yelled Gandalf, "We've lost the freakin' ringbearer!"
"Does that mean I get it now?" inquired Boromir eagerly.
"Um, no."
"Well shit."
By this time, Merry and Pippin had knocked Legolas senseless long enough to pull up his pants.
"Well this sucks," said Pippin, taking Legolas' usual job of stating the obvious.
Fortunately, Merry kept his head. He grabbed Pippin and Legolas and they both dragged the stupid nancy into a clump of bushes were they could still be clearly seen beating the ever-loving crap out of Legolas. Everybody else followed their example and hid under obvious clumps of bush and rocky overhangs, and Sam huddled under his blanket. Dumbass. He too was gang-raped by about a hundred fan-girls. Oh well, saves me writing a scene where Frodo and Sam engage in well, yeah.
At last the screaming horde of Fangirls passed. Gandalf stood up, threw out his back and fell screaming off a cliff. So Aragorn took charge, but he was distracted by a big patch of wild marijuana (is there such a thing? I'm not a druggie like you people). So Pippin took charge, and as a first order of business, he ordered Legolas to be thrown off a cliff.
"AIEEEEEEEEEeeeee. . . .OOFF!!!" Legolas cried as he fell to the bottom.
"That felt really, really, really good," said Merry.
"I didn't realize that you two were gay," said Gimli as he winked slyly.
Merry and Pippin looked at each other, then back at Gimli.
After tossing Gimli off the cliff so he could be with Legolas and Gandalf, Pippin decided it was time for 5673rd breakfast or whatever. Seeing Sam had all the food, they were forced to wander near his comatose form that was dripping with bodily fluids (of a nature I will not describe) to get his enormous 'packet', as he himself called it in Chapter 3 of the Fellowship of the Ring.
"I'm not touching it," declared Aragorn.
"Me neither."
"Forget it."
"No way."
"ME 3834th!" shouted Legolas from the bottom of the cliff.
Pippin ran over to the cliff edge and kicked some random debris over, "QUIET YOU! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!!!!"
"If he was, would the deranged author still be writing? This fic is, after all, called Die Legolas die."
"True."
So in the end they hauled Legolas up by his hair, earning them all a bunch of painless bitch-slaps. They left Gandalf and Gimli, because neither of them had much bearing on the extremely thin plot of this fic. And they weren't about to touch Frodo or Sam either.
So they wandered on, to what purpose I know not. Perhaps they were searching for a Bath and Body Works, or perhaps a Victoria's Secret. Aragorn is a horny pervert after all.
Eventually they came to this random pool of nasty water, which Legolas attempted to bathe in. This elicited a giant tentacle monster straight out of some sort of hentai to come out and beat the crap out of Legolas, who cried like a girl the whole time.
"I want my mommy!" whined the moron, "I want some chocolate! I want my hair to be clean and an eighth-shade darker! WAHHHH!!!!"
The giant hentai tentacle monster eventually got fed up with this and flung Legolas to the ground with a bone-jarring crunch. He leapt to his feet,
"And don't you forget it! I win! YAY! I need that hair dye now. Oh," he turned to the others, "I'm okay, thanks for your concern."
"Oh, yeah, um yay, yay, cheer, cheer, huzzah," said Pippin sarcastically.
So they walked into this random cave thingie and the hentai tentacle monster sealed the exit behind them.
"HELP!" screamed Legolas.
"What's wrong?" asked Boromir.
"I don't like the dark, I can't see how pretty I am."
"Urk!"
"Oh great," yelled Boromir, "You just made Aragorn commit suicide."
"It's not my fault I'm so sexy!"
Boromir probably would have killed himself too, but suddenly they were blinded by the appearance of a very pissed off Balrog. It pointed to Legolas and boomed,
"You have brought the pestilence of fangirls upon this Middle Earth. For this you shall perish."
"Okay, but I don't know what half those words mean."
The Balrog sat back on its haunches, evidently waiting for something. Boromir played with the Ring, Merry picked his teeth, Pippin brushed up on his Calculus, and Legolas stood around kissing the reflections in his swords. After about an hour the Balrog roared in frustration,
"God Damn it! Aren't any of you three going to challenge me?"
Boromir shook his head vehemently, "Hell no! Kill him!"
"Hell, we'll even hold him down for you."
"YEAH! SEND HIM TO HELL!" shouted Legolas.
They all stared at him. Pippin cleared his throat,
"Um, Legolas, you do realize we're talking about you."
Legolas shook his head, "No way. There's no way you could be talking about me. I'm a sexy bitch! 'Kay? You must be talking about him," he pointed at Merry, "He's ugly and he has a fish fetish."
Merry jumped up and ran to strangle Legolas, "I WANTED A FREAKING DOCTOR NOT A FISH YOU F%*&#@ING BASTARD!! YOU F#&*#ING KILLED ME!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!!!! DAMN YOU TO THE FIRES OF THAT EXTRA NASTY PLACE THEY HAVE IN HELL FOR WACKJOBS LIKE YOU!!!! Uh-oh, blood pressure rising to dangerous levels. . ." Merry muttered. Suddenly and without warning, his head exploded from the immense pressure and brains flew everywhere.
"EWWWW!!!!" squealed Legolas, "I have brains in my perfect hair! Where are fruit bats when you need them?"
"That was so disgusting and random I'm going to have to kill you now," said the Balrog calmly and rationally.
"Good," said Pippin, casually wiping brains off himself as if this happened regularly, "Can we watch?"
"Um, little fellow, I'm using the plural 'you', as in you, the nancy and necrophiliac."
"I am NOT a necrophiliac!" shouted Boromir, "It was just one time!"
"And with the one who killed himself just a little while ago."
"Damn, you were watching us for a while weren't you?"
"Mmmm, yep."
Pippin looked at Boromir in shock, "So not only do you show creepy affection to the ring, you also like to screw dead people?"
"OOH! OOH! ME! THAT'S ME!! I LIKE TO SCREW DEAD THINGS, if they have the right makeup and wardrobe!"
"Shut the &%^$ up Legolas."
"That's just sick," shouted the Balrog, "I'm going to kill you all before you bestow me with any more disturbing images!"
"Oh shit, RUN!!" screamed Pippin.
So they ran. Legolas was the fastest and also the biggest coward so he got to the bridge of Khazad Dum first.
"Wow, that was quick," panted Pippin. He looked back to see that they had come about thirty feet, it's just that the entire scene was done in slow motion. Suddenly, Gandalf appeared in the middle of the bridge,
"YOU CANNOT PASS!!!"
Boromir sighed, "Um, we kinda need to Gandalf."
"Oh, sorry," the senile old fool said as he moved a step to the right. He hung in midair for a moment like in a cartoon, then looked down, looked up, did a double take and scrambled for the edge. Then gravity went came back from its brief coffee break and the wizard fell.
"FLY YOU FOOLS!!!!!!"
Legolas shrugged, "Eh, okay."
He jumped off the bridge, screaming 'I love shampoo and raving mad gay orgies!' as he fell into darkness. (but they could hear both of them hit bottom like six seconds after they fell, so fat whoop)
"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!" screamed the Balrog, "I wanted to kill him!!" and so it jumped off too.
Boromir and Pippin high-fived each other and walked out of the cave. No sex you sick fangirls. They got high and ate pizza and Buffalo wings and drank beer and did other things that straight guys do. And eventually Boromir and Pippin kicked some major ass at Amon Hen, then went on to save Rohan, Gondor, 24 maidens in distress, (but they all turned out to be Mary- sues, so they killed them all) and Boromir destroyed the ring and saved all of Middle Earth, yay!
THE END
Right, I thought that I had better clear this up. I do not hate book- Legolas. I hate the movie-Legolas, because Orlando Bloom is apparently hot. This does not make me jealous; it makes me angry because it drives hundreds of hormonally driven teenage girls to FF.net every day. This story is an expression of that anger. It is also a (bad) attempt to make fangirls realize just how silly their obsession with Legolas/Orlando Bloom is.
In this purpose it has been somewhat successful. Almost eight people have either contacted me and telling me that they are cured, or they yell at me, and I yell back and in some mystical way it all works out the same.
I am not telling you to stop writing Legomances or whatever the hell you want to call them. I am telling you to stop making said Legomances crap. Many of you have talent. Don't squander it on idiotic Mary-sues. I would truly appreciate it if you heed my words and cease your squeeing and write something to be proud of! Get cracking!