40-Love

Disclaimer: Joss owns Btvs

A/N: Hi all. Thanks for the reviews as always. Someone mentioned that this was a male bashing fic and I suppose it could be. But what I've tried to do is reverse the roles of Buffy and Spike. Usually it's Buffy who treats Spike like shit and he stays around because he loves her. But what I'm trying out here is the opposite. Spike's the one with all the hang-ups; he has all these problems he can't let go of. That's not to say Buffy doesn't have her problems, but in this story she was able to recognize them and move on from them. You'll see more of what I'm talking about once I get into some of the flashbacks I've planned. Enjoy. Skyz.

~*~

Chapter Five-

"You want to take Xander with you?" Willow asked incredulously. She watched Buffy as she grimaced and nodded.

"Yes," Buffy muttered as she looked away from Willow's penetrating gaze. "I want him to come to Florida with me."

"But…" Willow began shaking her head. "Why? Why do you need all these men Buffy?" Willow couldn't understand Buffy's actions.  She knew that if Buffy wanted to she could freeze Spike out and get through this unfazed.

Buffy got up and started to pace once more.

"Listen the more people I have near me the better off I'll be Wills. I just need the added security of knowing there's someone who truly dislikes Spike. And that's Xander. He'll keep me on my toes."

Willow crossed her arms and leaned back.

"For what? Why do you need to be on your…toes? You're acting like you're about ready to fight a war or-"

Buffy whirled to face Willow the look on her face fierce and determined.

"I am Willow. I really, really am! I have to be prepared for this. I mean I'm spending two months with Spike! Two months-and I haven't spent that amount of time with him in years. And you know what happened…" Buffy trailed off her mind drifting briefly.

Any close contact with Spike was never good. It made her all…crazy and stupid. It caused her rational side to go all kaboom! It would be nice if it were just lust, a tragic side effect of their relationship, but she couldn't trust herself around him. Couldn't trust her feelings. Because it was one thing to say she was over him and never see him but this…

Well this was gonna put a whole new spin on things.

She certainly didn't want to give into temptation.

"Oh! Right I forgot you get all… Well that's a good reason to bring Xan I guess. He won't let Spike within ten feet of you. He'll keep you all want free and unSpiked."

Buffy sent Willow a small smile.

"You're taking Gunn with you too? How's that going to work? He does have a job you know. In fact his wife won't be too pleased with you monopolizing him like this. What's going on with that? And hey is that judge coming?"

Buffy let out a sigh as she retook her seat next to Willow.

"Well Gunn says he can come for about a week at the least. Then he has to get back to his patients. He's got his practice down in Florida too so… I might be able to persuade him to stay a little longer. I think it really worked well. Spike got jealous-"

"I warned you Buffy," Willow interrupted her. "I told you it wouldn't be wise to get Spike all riled up. Make him all Tarzan like. Me Tarzan and you Jane, hear me roar while I kill your lover. I think it was a mistake, remember how you two got started? You were with Riley and what did he do? He chased after you. He doesn't like you being with anyone else but him. He tried to move in on you while you were with Angel too. I don't think he'll just let things be."

Buffy frowned. She really hadn't considered that. She'd only wanted to make Spike feel a little rejected and hurt. She sure as hell hadn't anticipated him going on the prowl with her as the prey.

She paled at the thought.

"You really think that's what's gonna happen?" she breathed in dismay.

Willow shrugged.

"Don't be surprised if it does," she said apologetically.

"Oh, no way in hell! Dammit! There is no way I'm getting back with him. Not when-not when I'm finally over him. I mean it took me three years to stop missing him and stop loving him! I- I need re enforcements. More men. I'll have Giles, Gunn, and Xander. That's not going to be enough. I need… who else can I get?"

Buffy paused to think about this.

Willow glanced at the clock on the far wall and smothered a yawn before she smiled slightly.

"Well let's see who would be willing to do you a favor? There's um…there's Andrew, he's always up for a little fun. He'll love trying to distract Spike."

Buffy shook her head.

"No he's off to Hawaii for some convention they're holding there. Besides Spike's rather uncomfortable with gay men. It makes him nervous. I've got so many men friends, but none who I can think of making a big impression. Who else can I bring to keep me away from Spike?"

The two women spent the rest of the night trying to come up with men who would be a repellent for Spike if he got any thoughts.

~*~

"Don't go laughing in my face like that git," Spike snapped as he followed Angel back to the bar. Angel slipped onto a stool and turned to face Spike.

"I'm sorry," he began contritely. "I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing with you. At your pathetic attempt to tell Buffy what to do. I mean it was hilarious. She doesn't listen to anyone and I don't know why you'd be any different."

Spike glared at Angel, his dislike undisguised.

"Shut up," he grumbled. "I was doin' fine until I told her I wouldn't allow it."

Angel shook his head and rested his elbows on the bar. He let his eyes settle on the bottle of beer the bartender placed in front of him. He wasn't sure if he should continue this conversation with Spike. It wasn't his problem, he reminded himself. Spike was no longer a friend and nothing but a passing annoyance these days.

Stay out of it, his inner voice hissed.

"You're so fuckin' stupid," Angel found himself spitting out as he turned on his stool to glare at Spike. Watched Spike's face redden in anger.

Spike took a step forward.

"Stand up and say that to me," Spike growled. He was more than ready to let most of his anger out. Especially if it were on Angel. He hated the bastard with a passion and wouldn't mind pounding on him a bit. He needed to get this restless anger out of his system. Clear his head long enough to decided what he was going to do about Buffy and him.

He conveniently forgot that just earlier today, he'd told himself there was no he and Buffy.

"Listen to me. Boy. I've got about as much like for you as I do gettin' kicked in the nuts. I know Buffy. I know her a lot better than you do. Pushing and shoving at her is not going to get you anywhere. Now I want you to tell me what you're intentions are towards her."

Spike's brows rose to his hairline as he felt shock settle through him. He hadn't figured he'd be having a man to man conversation with Buffy's ex. They'd never been close, at least not after he'd taken Buffy from Angel. Dislike ran far and too deep to over look. He certainly didn't need Angel's advice; after all he hadn't done any better with Buffy himself.

"I don't know," Spike finally mumbled. He slid onto a stool next to Angel. Caught the bartender's eye and ordered a shot of whiskey.

"You don't know…" Angel mocked.

They were silent a moment as Spike gulped his drink and tried to discern his thoughts.

"I just want this to be over with," Spike finally admitted defeatedly.

"What was it you said to me and Buffy once?" Angel's voice was deceptively calm as his hand tightened around the bottle of beer in his hand.

Spike felt his back stiffen, and he tried deliberately to relax, and when he spoke he lied.

"Can't recall every bloody thing I've said to you and that crazy bint," he snapped.

"I think it was about being in love until it killed us. Never being friends, love was in the blood, not the brains etc. Your usual over dramatic bullshit. But in this case you know what?" Angel glared at the side of Spike's face as he kept his face turned away. "I think you were right. I think lovin' Buffy sticks with you, she gets into your blood and you can't get her out. I can say it, can finally admit it. I love her- Sit down," Angel ordered.

Spike was on his feet before he knew it, swinging violently towards Angel his fist raised. His eyes were like blue sparks of fire and his lips curled up in a snarl he forcible reigned himself in. Breathing deeply he clenched his jaw and slowly settled back onto his stool.

"I love Buffy. I'll love her until I die. But I can't- I wouldn't be selfish enough to try anything with her again. To make her go through loving me once more. I left her so she could have a life with someone worthy, someone younger, and have children. When she hooked up with you… I wasn't happy. But I saw what everyone, except you I suppose, saw. She loved you. And…" Angel's voice broke for a moment. He struggled to gather his shaky emotions. "What kills me is that I knew she loved you, more than me. More than she'd ever loved me."

Spike's snort was incredulous.

"You're the love of her life," Spike stated waspishly.

"And you're her true love. Her equal, her mate, you two fit perfectly and it's a shame you can't see it. Buffy could. That's why she married you. That's why she stayed with you all these years. She still loves you and if you're smart… Which I don't think you are, you'd do best to make this work for you. She's closed herself off to you but it's still there, and if you let yourself open up you can have another chance."

They're just words, Spike thought resentfully. He wasn't gonna listen to Angel tell him how to handle his relationship with his wife. He knew what was going on between them. Nothing. They'd do this thing because Anya had ordered it. And then go their separate ways.

"I've hurt her," Spike found himself saying.

"Do you know why?" Angel asked briskly.

Spike shrugged a shoulder and swallowed the rest of his shot.

"Then this is the time to figure out why. Together. There's a reason you did what you did, and there's a reason why Buffy let herself be pushed away by you."

Spike turned to face Angel and studied the larger man with a puzzled frown. He didn't understand Angel; he mused, and supposed he never would. They'd been friends once and it had never occurred to him that they could be friends again. Or even friendly. Until now…

"Thought you hated me," Spike grudgingly muttered.

Angel took a sip of his beer, set it down and let out a humorless laugh.

"Once maybe. Hate takes too much out of you. I think I hated that Buffy loved you. No I know I hated that. See I knew, always in the back of my mind there was no way it would last between us. There had to be this guy, this man, who would sweep her off her feet and take her from me. I hate that you were that guy."

Angel rose and grabbed his wallet from his back pocket. He tossed a fifty onto the bar and rolled his shoulders.

Spike rose too and for a brief moment considered turning and walking away without a word. Instead he gritted his teeth and lifted his hand.

Angel stared at it as if it were a poisonous snake, poised to strike at any moment. A brief look of distaste flashed across his features before he forced himself to take Spike's hand.

"I appreciate you're…advice," Spike mumbled.

Angel's hand clenched around Spike's hard enough to cause bones to rub against one another.

"Don't think I did it for you. All I've ever wanted for Buffy is for her to be happy. Unfortunately for that to happen you have to be in her life. You get this straightened out and if you hurt her again, I'll hunt you down and kill you," Angel stated coldly as he dropped Spike's hand and strode away.

Maybe not so friendly, Spike mused. They'd never be friends and he wondered why he'd even had that unsettling thought. They couldn't go back in time. Some things couldn't be undone.

Spike dug around his pocket and with a flick of his wrist pulled out a crumpled bill. Tossed it onto the bar and lazily strolled away.

He wasn't certain what he was going to do about Buffy. But he had a feeling that he and Buffy were far from finished. Far from finished.

The bartender collected the half empty beer and shot glass. Let his eyes rest on the bills carelessly tossed. Goggled as he calculated what his tip would be from a $150.

~*~

Buffy let out a soundless sigh as she settled into her seat next to the window. It had taken her a while to get herself together enough to leave Willow's.

They'd spent most of the night thinking of men and ways to keep Spike as far away as possible. She may not have any intention of being with him, but she'd been known to succumb to his charms on a number of occasions. He got to her like no other man, and she resented the power he had over her.

Power, she assured herself, he no longer had.

She would deal with him as professionally as she could. And if she managed to make him realize just what he was missing then so be it.

Whether Spike believed it or not he'd started things, started them almost from the day they'd gotten married. Subtle things, small things that she'd tried to over look. He'd been pushing her away and she still couldn't figure out why. It wasn't like she wanted to hurt him. She'd loved him and had only wanted to be with him.

Rubbing her eyes she settled deeper into her seat.

But he hadn't wanted to be with her, she'd finally figured that out soon enough. Unconsciously he'd made it impossible not to notice the things he did to distance himself from her. Seeing it first hand she'd wondered why she'd been surprised. He was more like her than she'd ever thought.

But whereas he wanted distance and space she'd been ready and willing to open herself up to him. She'd changed from being that hard, closed off girl, to a woman who could love and be loved.

Whatever Spike's hang ups were they weren't her problem any more, she assured herself. Two months, she thought fiercely. Just two more months and they'd be finished.

Finished.

And for the life of her Buffy didn't have a clue as to what she would do then.