Red XIII's Revenge
(Scene: The Inn at Cosmo Canyon.)
Barret: Yo, Cloud! This is boring!!
Cid: Yeah, man! When can we %*$#in' go!!?
Cloud: When Red XIII gets back from Bugenhagen's observatory.
Barret: Which, if we're lucky, will be about five hundred years!
All: (hysterical laughing)
Aerith: Heh heh..! That's a good one, Barret.
Vincent: Remind me to write that one down.
Tifa: (still laughing)
Cid: Hey, no time for jokin'. I'm still playin' #%&$in' Parappa.
Barret: Yo, &*%$! That's MY game!!
(Barret looks over Cid's shoulder at the arrow pointing to "You rappin' cool!")
Barret: $#!^! You doin' better than me!
Yuffie: That's not hard to do.
All: (hysterical laughing)
(Sephiroth appears from out of nowhere.)
Barret: Dammit! I thought we killed you!!
Sephiroth: You did. I'm not evil anymore. See, I'm selling--
Everyone else: --Yes you are!!
Sephiroth: Wha?!
Cid: Salesmen suck!
Barret: An' that includes YOU!
Sephiroth: Why, I never! MOM!!
(Jenova appears beside Sephiroth.)
Jenova: Yes?
Cloud: Dammit.
(Cloud slashes the living $#!^ out of Jenova.)
Aerith: That was--
Vincent: --screwed up.
Sephiroth: Very much so.
Cid: $#!^! He's still here!
Tifa: Go back to the hole you crawled out of, Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: Okay.
(Sephiroth disappears.)
(Meanwhile, at the observatory, a bored Cait Sith enters with nothing to do.)
Cait Sith: Oh, hi there, Red XIII.
(Red XIII just sits there listening to Bugenhagen rant endlessly.)
Red XIII: Are you sure that's really what happened, Grandpa?
Bugenhagen: Of course I am! Ho ho hoooo-- oh!
(Bugenhagen stares at Cait Sith on his moogle. Red XIII does the same.)
Red XIII: Why are you here?
Cait Sith: Had nothin' better to do.
(Cait Sith's moogle produces 3 beer bottles from its invisible pocket.)
CS: Here, Red XIII. Try some.
Red XIII: I don't drink.
CS: C'mon, man! Don't be a chicken!
Red XIII: My species does not--
CS: Dammit!
(Cait forces some beer down Red XIII's throat. Red bites him.)
Red XIII: If you weren't helping us out, I'd eat you. But you are.
CS: Thank god I am.
(Red XIII growls.)
Red XIII: I've still got my eye on you.
(Cait sith throws some more beer at Red XIII. All five bottlefuls manage to reach his
mouth.)
Red XIII: I'm... (hic!) gonna get you.
(Red XIII collapses, having passed out.)
Bugenhagen: Damn cat! Shoo! Shoo! Why, if you weren't helping Nanaki out...
(Cait Sith is too far away to hear the rest.)
(Back in there Inn room...)
Cid: %&*$! I wish Red XIII would hurry up and get back so we could get outta here!!!
(Cait Sith enters.)
CS: Uhh... Red XIII is still talking to Bugenhagen. (nervous laugh)
Barret: Yo, what's that behind his back?
(Cloud swipes an empty beer bottle from Cait's paws.)
Cloud: Damn! You didn't get Red XIII drunk AGAIN, did you!?!!?
CS: Um... uh... (squats down in a corner)
(Sephiroth enters again, Red XIII at his side.)
Barret: Finally. Get over here, Red XIII!
Red XIII: What? My name's Seto, idiots!
All: (heavy gasp)
Tifa: Seto's ALIVE?
Aerith: I thought he got petrified.
Sephiroth: He did, but I felt sorry for the poor little @&*$ and gave him a Soft.
(A drunken Red XIII enters.)
Red XIII: (hic!)
Seto: ...Nanaki..!?
Red XIII: (hic!)
Seto: Is that you, Nanaki!?
(Red XIII slips and falls.)
Seto: Nanaki!?
Vincent: That guy repeating "Nanaki" over and over is getting old.
(Vincent pulls out the Death Penalty. A single figure is blocking the gap between Seto and himself.)
(A gunshot echoes through the atmosphere as the figure falls to the ground.)
Cid: All right, who the hell was that?
(Cloud looks down at the motionless form of Yuffie.)
Cloud: It's Yuffie!
All: YESSS!!! WOOHOO! (cheering)
All: 3 CHEERS FOR VINCENT!!
(Later, after the party...)
Barret: (belches) Damn... shouldn't...have drunk...so $*&%in'....much.....
(the whole gang, except for the 2 living females, is unconscious and lying on the floor.)
Aerith: Boys will be boys.
Tifa: Yup.
Aerith: So, we finally agree on something?
Tifa: ...Don't we always..?
Aerith: Uh, no.
Tifa: Whatever.
(Aerith pets the unconscious Red XIII.)
Aerith: Heh heh. He always was cute.
Tifa: Even if he's comatose?
Aerith: If he weren't, my reward for petting him would be one less finger.
Tifa: (laughing)
Tifa: Which finger?
Aerith: Does it matter?
Tifa: No... tee-hee...
Both: (laughing)
(A little later, When Sephiroth, Seto, Red XIII, and Cid have regained consciousness, they wait for the others to come to.)
Sephiroth: Damn... what... happened..!?
Cid: (hic!) Your guess is better than mine.
Sephiroth: How do you know? I haven't even told you my guess yet.
Cid: Good point.
Red XIII: Gonna... kill you... Cait Sith... ugh.
(Red XIII lets out a loud belch.)
Aerith,Tifa, Sephiroth, Cid: (hysterical laughter)
(Barret gives an agitated grunt and stands up.)
Barret: Yo, what's so funny?
Sephiroth: Your pet here just belched! Hahahahaha!!
Barret: Number one, he ain't nobody's pet, and number two, get the hell outta this dump!!
Sephiroth: God, you're so moody. Anyway, OK, I will. Bye now.
(Sephiroth vanishes.)
Seto: I find that pointless.
(Red XIII's drunkenness seems to have worn off, as he stands up and walks over beside Seto.)
Cid: Seto, humans find stupid things funny. I dunno if you know the %#@*in' meanin' of funny.
Seto: Of course I do. Funny is the description of any entertainment, which makes humans
laugh.
Barret: Damn, man! Straight from the &*%$in' dictionary.
Aerith: I dunno. I'll check on that. (steals a dictionary from Cait's moogle)
Red XIII: ...urgh... father!?
Seto: Nanaki!
(So begins a very long father-son type chat in which Barret, Cid, Aerith, and Tifa have no
part whatsoever.)
Cid, Barret: Gettin' way to %*@&in' mushy for my taste...
(A while later, the whole gang has recovered from their drunken slumber.)
Cloud: Man, I've got one hell of a headache.
Cait Sith: Me too.
Cait's Moogle: Me three.
Cait Sith: Shaddup, you.
Moogle: OK.
Red XIII: I swear, when I'm done with whatever the hell I'm doing, I'll happily digest you, Cait.
Vincent: Phew, man! This carcass sure is starting to bug me.
Cid, Barret: Then take the damn thing outta here!!
Vincent: Uhhh... ok.
(Vincent leaves to take out the trash.)
Aerith: Yawn.
(Sephiroth appears in a puff of smoke.)
Cid: Damn! Again!?
(Vincent dashes back in.)
Sephiroth: Pardon me.
(Sephiroth swipes the Death Penalty from Vincent and shoots Aerith with it.)
Tifa: Uhm... o-kay...
Sephiroth: Thanks.
(Sephiroth gives the gun back to Vincent and vanishes.)
Cloud: That's the third time this week...
Seto: What are you talking about?
Tifa: That's the third time in this week that Aerith pulled a Kenny.
Seto, Red XIII: Kenny?
Everyone else: ...ugh.
(A while later, Seto and Red XIII were lectured about who Kenny was. It was very long and boring. Barret and Cid constantly cursed about the blandness of this day.)
Cait Sith: Yeah, I'm bored too. This sucks, Cloud!
Cloud: ...who's on this TV show called South-- I heard that!-- Park.
All: Yeah, this sucks!
(Cloud is pushed to the Highwind.)
Cid: Finally, action!
(Everyone hears a screaming sound.)
Cloud: What was that?
(A fat Red XIII is lying on the floor with Cait Sith's tail sticking out of his mouth.)
All: (hysterical laughter)
THE END
(Scene: The Inn at Cosmo Canyon.)
Barret: Yo, Cloud! This is boring!!
Cid: Yeah, man! When can we %*$#in' go!!?
Cloud: When Red XIII gets back from Bugenhagen's observatory.
Barret: Which, if we're lucky, will be about five hundred years!
All: (hysterical laughing)
Aerith: Heh heh..! That's a good one, Barret.
Vincent: Remind me to write that one down.
Tifa: (still laughing)
Cid: Hey, no time for jokin'. I'm still playin' #%&$in' Parappa.
Barret: Yo, &*%$! That's MY game!!
(Barret looks over Cid's shoulder at the arrow pointing to "You rappin' cool!")
Barret: $#!^! You doin' better than me!
Yuffie: That's not hard to do.
All: (hysterical laughing)
(Sephiroth appears from out of nowhere.)
Barret: Dammit! I thought we killed you!!
Sephiroth: You did. I'm not evil anymore. See, I'm selling--
Everyone else: --Yes you are!!
Sephiroth: Wha?!
Cid: Salesmen suck!
Barret: An' that includes YOU!
Sephiroth: Why, I never! MOM!!
(Jenova appears beside Sephiroth.)
Jenova: Yes?
Cloud: Dammit.
(Cloud slashes the living $#!^ out of Jenova.)
Aerith: That was--
Vincent: --screwed up.
Sephiroth: Very much so.
Cid: $#!^! He's still here!
Tifa: Go back to the hole you crawled out of, Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: Okay.
(Sephiroth disappears.)
(Meanwhile, at the observatory, a bored Cait Sith enters with nothing to do.)
Cait Sith: Oh, hi there, Red XIII.
(Red XIII just sits there listening to Bugenhagen rant endlessly.)
Red XIII: Are you sure that's really what happened, Grandpa?
Bugenhagen: Of course I am! Ho ho hoooo-- oh!
(Bugenhagen stares at Cait Sith on his moogle. Red XIII does the same.)
Red XIII: Why are you here?
Cait Sith: Had nothin' better to do.
(Cait Sith's moogle produces 3 beer bottles from its invisible pocket.)
CS: Here, Red XIII. Try some.
Red XIII: I don't drink.
CS: C'mon, man! Don't be a chicken!
Red XIII: My species does not--
CS: Dammit!
(Cait forces some beer down Red XIII's throat. Red bites him.)
Red XIII: If you weren't helping us out, I'd eat you. But you are.
CS: Thank god I am.
(Red XIII growls.)
Red XIII: I've still got my eye on you.
(Cait sith throws some more beer at Red XIII. All five bottlefuls manage to reach his
mouth.)
Red XIII: I'm... (hic!) gonna get you.
(Red XIII collapses, having passed out.)
Bugenhagen: Damn cat! Shoo! Shoo! Why, if you weren't helping Nanaki out...
(Cait Sith is too far away to hear the rest.)
(Back in there Inn room...)
Cid: %&*$! I wish Red XIII would hurry up and get back so we could get outta here!!!
(Cait Sith enters.)
CS: Uhh... Red XIII is still talking to Bugenhagen. (nervous laugh)
Barret: Yo, what's that behind his back?
(Cloud swipes an empty beer bottle from Cait's paws.)
Cloud: Damn! You didn't get Red XIII drunk AGAIN, did you!?!!?
CS: Um... uh... (squats down in a corner)
(Sephiroth enters again, Red XIII at his side.)
Barret: Finally. Get over here, Red XIII!
Red XIII: What? My name's Seto, idiots!
All: (heavy gasp)
Tifa: Seto's ALIVE?
Aerith: I thought he got petrified.
Sephiroth: He did, but I felt sorry for the poor little @&*$ and gave him a Soft.
(A drunken Red XIII enters.)
Red XIII: (hic!)
Seto: ...Nanaki..!?
Red XIII: (hic!)
Seto: Is that you, Nanaki!?
(Red XIII slips and falls.)
Seto: Nanaki!?
Vincent: That guy repeating "Nanaki" over and over is getting old.
(Vincent pulls out the Death Penalty. A single figure is blocking the gap between Seto and himself.)
(A gunshot echoes through the atmosphere as the figure falls to the ground.)
Cid: All right, who the hell was that?
(Cloud looks down at the motionless form of Yuffie.)
Cloud: It's Yuffie!
All: YESSS!!! WOOHOO! (cheering)
All: 3 CHEERS FOR VINCENT!!
(Later, after the party...)
Barret: (belches) Damn... shouldn't...have drunk...so $*&%in'....much.....
(the whole gang, except for the 2 living females, is unconscious and lying on the floor.)
Aerith: Boys will be boys.
Tifa: Yup.
Aerith: So, we finally agree on something?
Tifa: ...Don't we always..?
Aerith: Uh, no.
Tifa: Whatever.
(Aerith pets the unconscious Red XIII.)
Aerith: Heh heh. He always was cute.
Tifa: Even if he's comatose?
Aerith: If he weren't, my reward for petting him would be one less finger.
Tifa: (laughing)
Tifa: Which finger?
Aerith: Does it matter?
Tifa: No... tee-hee...
Both: (laughing)
(A little later, When Sephiroth, Seto, Red XIII, and Cid have regained consciousness, they wait for the others to come to.)
Sephiroth: Damn... what... happened..!?
Cid: (hic!) Your guess is better than mine.
Sephiroth: How do you know? I haven't even told you my guess yet.
Cid: Good point.
Red XIII: Gonna... kill you... Cait Sith... ugh.
(Red XIII lets out a loud belch.)
Aerith,Tifa, Sephiroth, Cid: (hysterical laughter)
(Barret gives an agitated grunt and stands up.)
Barret: Yo, what's so funny?
Sephiroth: Your pet here just belched! Hahahahaha!!
Barret: Number one, he ain't nobody's pet, and number two, get the hell outta this dump!!
Sephiroth: God, you're so moody. Anyway, OK, I will. Bye now.
(Sephiroth vanishes.)
Seto: I find that pointless.
(Red XIII's drunkenness seems to have worn off, as he stands up and walks over beside Seto.)
Cid: Seto, humans find stupid things funny. I dunno if you know the %#@*in' meanin' of funny.
Seto: Of course I do. Funny is the description of any entertainment, which makes humans
laugh.
Barret: Damn, man! Straight from the &*%$in' dictionary.
Aerith: I dunno. I'll check on that. (steals a dictionary from Cait's moogle)
Red XIII: ...urgh... father!?
Seto: Nanaki!
(So begins a very long father-son type chat in which Barret, Cid, Aerith, and Tifa have no
part whatsoever.)
Cid, Barret: Gettin' way to %*@&in' mushy for my taste...
(A while later, the whole gang has recovered from their drunken slumber.)
Cloud: Man, I've got one hell of a headache.
Cait Sith: Me too.
Cait's Moogle: Me three.
Cait Sith: Shaddup, you.
Moogle: OK.
Red XIII: I swear, when I'm done with whatever the hell I'm doing, I'll happily digest you, Cait.
Vincent: Phew, man! This carcass sure is starting to bug me.
Cid, Barret: Then take the damn thing outta here!!
Vincent: Uhhh... ok.
(Vincent leaves to take out the trash.)
Aerith: Yawn.
(Sephiroth appears in a puff of smoke.)
Cid: Damn! Again!?
(Vincent dashes back in.)
Sephiroth: Pardon me.
(Sephiroth swipes the Death Penalty from Vincent and shoots Aerith with it.)
Tifa: Uhm... o-kay...
Sephiroth: Thanks.
(Sephiroth gives the gun back to Vincent and vanishes.)
Cloud: That's the third time this week...
Seto: What are you talking about?
Tifa: That's the third time in this week that Aerith pulled a Kenny.
Seto, Red XIII: Kenny?
Everyone else: ...ugh.
(A while later, Seto and Red XIII were lectured about who Kenny was. It was very long and boring. Barret and Cid constantly cursed about the blandness of this day.)
Cait Sith: Yeah, I'm bored too. This sucks, Cloud!
Cloud: ...who's on this TV show called South-- I heard that!-- Park.
All: Yeah, this sucks!
(Cloud is pushed to the Highwind.)
Cid: Finally, action!
(Everyone hears a screaming sound.)
Cloud: What was that?
(A fat Red XIII is lying on the floor with Cait Sith's tail sticking out of his mouth.)
All: (hysterical laughter)
THE END