Notes: Poor Albert. *Snickers* He's my favorite character, if you couldn't tell. Heh heh heh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So?" Percival asked, grinning in anticipation. "How'd it go?"
"I don't know..." Borus said hesitantly. "I've been avoiding her ever since I sent them to her."
Percival pushed a button on his Plot Device - Romance Edition and watched with glee as Chris appeared, caught sight of them, and started to walk over. "Is that a fat - I mean, fact?" he asked gleefully.
"Yeah. I think I made a good choice with the flowers, though. I sent her orchids. They reminded me of the color of her eyes." He sighed, and somewhere else, an angel got its wings and seventeen separate cases of diabetes were diagnosed.
"But they were dead, right?" Percival asked frantically, twisting a dial on his Plot Device. It shorted out, and he threw it to the ground in frustration. He never should have trusted Yuber.
"Oh, sure. It was great! I walked into the flower store, and all the flowers were dead! It worked out so well. Couldn't find any lettuce, though. I didn't get around to doing that part. God, Percy. If this doesn't work out, I don't know what I'm going to do. She's so incredible..."
"Hey, Borus!" Chris said from behind him. He looked just about ready to die, and turned to her slowly, face flushed.
"H-hello, Lady Chris," he said, sounding positively mortified. Percival was stomping on his own Plot Device, cursing his rotten luck.
"Thank you for the flowers, Borus. They were absolutely lovely."
Borus visibly perked up. "Really? I - I would have sent them to you on fire, but they told me they couldn't be shipped that way..."
"Oh, that's all right, really," Chris assured him. "Whenever I touch anything, it bursts into flame anyway. The True Fire Rune, don't you know. It's sort of like the Midas Touch, only cooler-looking and somewhat less profitable."
"Because things burn up instead of turning into the most precious substance in the world?" Percival asked, voice dripping scorn.
"Exactly!" Chris said, clapping Percy chummily on the back. "Well. 'Fraid I can't stay and chat. Flame Champion-y things to do and what have you." She walked off rather cheerfully, for her.
"She's wonderful," sighed Borus, smiling.
"Whatever," muttered Percival irritably. Damn them both! Then he tentatively sniffed the air. "Sorry, but do you smell something...burning?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Viki the Elder was sick. This was a terribly bad thing, as when she was sick, she sneezed. Consequently, only Lucia had the courage to get anywhere near her.
"Would you like some more chicken noodle soup?" Lucia asked gently. Viki shook her head miserably. "Well. I'm going to have to go away to do unspecified things in a while, so we should find someone else to keep you company."
"But do wud wants to come dear be," Viki said unhappily.
"Oh, that's all right! We'll get you a pet. What do you want? A dog? God knows there are enough of them around to take...A cat, maybe? To get ready for Suikoden IV?"
Viki thought a moment. "I wad a bishouden."
Lucia hesitated. "A bishounen, huh? Well, I'll...see what I can do..."
Just then, Viki took in a great deep breath. "I'm going do sdeeeze!" she warned. Lucia ran for cover just before Viki let loose.
A tall figure with dark red hair, a long white coat, and an arm protecting his eyes appeared in the middle of the room. Slowly, he straightened.
"Um...Where am I?" Albert asked.
Lucia popped up from behind a dresser. "Damn, I'm good."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Geddoe slowly awoke to the sound of muffled giggling. That was a bad sign. Last time that had happened, Ace had called up the Sexy Granny Escort Service. And while granted, they did make an oddly attractive cookie, there was always the fear that one would break a hip or something.
"Shhh! He's waking up!" Ace hissed. No surprise there.
However, it was Queen that spoke next. "No, it's okay. I'm allowed to do this."
He opened his eyes to see five accursed faces peering over him. Oh, but he hated the world.
"I hope you don't mind," Queen said with a smile. "While you were passed out, I went ahead and made good on the conditions of my win. There's a mirror on the wall. Go on."
He hauled his sorry, headache-y ass out of bed and stumbled over to said mirror. His head was wrapped in a garishly-colored bandanna and his clothes were far too baggy, dragged down further by the multitude of chains that stuck out of every pocket, of which there were far too many.
"Isn't it great?" Ace squawked.
"..."
"You're ghetto, Geddoe!"
"..."
"Now, now, Ace. Let him get accustomed to his new outfit. It won't work, you know," Queen added as he tugged at the bandanna.
"Why not?"
"We managed to unearth an old rune - 'Lazy RPG Developer's Rune,' I think it was called. Is that right?"
"Yes," Jacques said simply.
"Yes, it is. As long as you have it affixed, you're stuck in those, er, 'threads.'" She giggled, not a little bit evilly.
"So I'll remove it."
"Oh, but that would take money."
"I have - I have far too much money."
"That's where you're wrong. Ace has far too much money."
Geddoe turned to Ace. "I need to borrow some money."
"Sure, boss. How much?" he asked, digging in a pocket.
"Fifty."
"Fifty," Queen repeated with great emphasis. "You know how much that is, Ace? Half of one hundred. And that's a full tenth of one thousand, which is in turn a tenth of ten thousand. Ten of those is equal to one hundred thousand! And that's well over a tenth of our entire finances!"
"Ace," Geddoe said irritably. "Give me the money." But Ace was looking decidedly uncertain.
"You could give it to him, but ask yourself - how much will it be next time? How much?"
"Ace!"
"Just imagine it, Ace." The sai-wielding whoremonger was backing away, shaking his head.
"Oh, for - give me the goddamn money!" Geddoe snapped, and reached out. There was a flurry of movement, and he snatched his hand back.
"He bit me!"
"So he did," Queen said, watching the quasi-feral Ace crouching in a corner.
"I'm bleeding!"
"So you are. You'd best go to the infirmary. Human bites get infected quite easily. And on the way, you'll have the opportunity to show off your new outfit."
Geddoe, clutching his hand to his chest, shot her a furious look, then stormed off.
"Ouchu," Joker snickered.
"Well-put, my only vaguely coherent friend. Well-put."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Percival lay irritably on his bed, a member of his fanclub (or as he fondly called them, "The Gratuitous Horny Female NPCs") massaging salve into his badly burned back. Strangely enough, they were all named You R. Bigast Fahn. He called them You for short.
"Damn it all!" he snapped, startling You into digging her poorly-rendered fingernails into his back. After kicking her out, he sat gingerly back in a chair. This was not going well. If anything, Borus was even closer to creating a relationship with Chris, and then where would Percival be?
He needed a plan. And to create a plan, he needed an evil mind as devious as his own.
~~~
"Yuh huh huh. The Grim Reaper has love for us all," Landis chortled.
"I'm sorry, but I need someone with less evil."
~~~
"Oh, sure! Love! I know all about it. There was this lad named Romeo, don't you know. I crossed his stars right good."
"More mind," he muttered to himself as he shoved Estella from the room.
~~~
"Oh ho ho ho ho ho!" Guillaume chortled.
"Just...no."
~~~
"You want to destroy your best friend's chance at true and lasting happiness in the world?" Mike repeated, at once horrified and amused.
"Yeah. You want to help me or not?"
"Well, I don't know," he said, intertwining his long fingers. "I'm a man of morals. Doing something so bone-rottingly horrible costs more."
"How much?"
"A million potch."
"My wallet can only hold 999,999."
"I'm sorry, but the price is non-negotiable."
"Well, can I pay you in installments?"
"I'm afraid not."
"Hm. Do you accept other forms of payment?"
"Firstborn child," Mike said with a laugh.
"Done."
This brought the charming card-dealer up short. "Wait - what?"
"Sounds like a good deal."
"I was only - Wait a second. I don't even know if indentured servitude is legal."
"It is," came a new voice from their right. Mike's face hardened as he looked at Billy.
"What was that?" Percival asked.
"Awww, you know. Indentured servi-whatzis is legal."
"And how would you know, you pink-wearing cowboy thief of a deadbeat dad?" Mike asked, voice brittle.
"I do NOT wear pink!" he shouted, and picked up a nearby copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and used it to brain a random NPC.
"But all I ever wanted to do was fill the world with my sweet music!" it bleated as it died.
"..." Mike and Percival responded in unison.
"Anyway," Billy said, archetype of irresponsible hick cool. "I was studyin' ta be a lawyer before I turned to thievin'. I wanted to pursue an honester career, you see."
"Ha, ha," Mike muttered, and it would have taken someone denser than Leo to miss the sarcasm in his voice. "A dishonest lawyer joke. You know, I'd put all my money on the fact that they actually kicked you out for not knowing the comparative form of 'honest.'"
"Yeah, well. I had talent for it, ya know. Even more than what I have with the cards."
"That is definitely not saying very much."
"What's your problem, Mike?" Percival asked. "You're usually so...mild."
"I come from a long line of dignified, elegant card dealers. We have manners. We have class. We have intelligence, and we're unnaturally attractive. I treasure that reputation. But then men like him come through, with his womanizing and his gin and his spittoons - "
"Well, where d'you spit? The floor?" Billy guffawed.
Mike eyed Billy rather in the manner that he would look at a three-legged leper rat that had peed all over his best pack of cards in the middle of the night. "I don't...spit," he said, making it sound rather like "copulate frantically with a wild boar that finds Kenji charming and tends to like it kinky."
"Then you're not a real man, you dumbass little Yuber-loving pansy," he said, then hesitated. "Oh, wait. That was supposed to be implied by the way I said it, huh?"
"Yes, it was, and can we get off this topic, please?" Percival pleaded. "Look - I'm probably going to need someone who can help me, you know, not break the law. What are your fees?"
"Second-born child," Billy said as Mike made outraged noises.
"Done, and done!"
"Look, I'm not working with him."
"Mike, do you want an unnaturally handsome card-lackey or not?"
"Well, yes. But - oh, whatever," he said bad-naturedly.
"Good. So?"
"So what?"
"What's your plan?"
"Oh, yes. Well. What you have to do is take Chris before Borus gets to her."
"I'm sorry. I just need to clear up a misconception of yours. There will be no taking of Chris. It is impossible to take her. She could take me any day of the week, but not vice versa."
"Well, thank you for that charming little speech, but you seem to have missed the point. She finds Borus charming, so what you need to do is act like Borus, only more so."
"I see."
"Good! Get to it, then!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"We're lost," Yuber announced.
"No we're not."
"We wouldn't be lost if I were doing the teleport."
"We're not lost."
"Yes we are."
"No we're not."
"I'll bet you twenty potch we're lost."
"For crying out - it's a goddamn teleport. You disappear in one place, you appear in another."
"Of course, it helps if you know where the second place is."
"And the first."
"True. You know, I could teleport us a lot better."
"Oh?"
"Yeah."
"Because you're Satan."
"And a recurring villain to boot."
"I already said you were Satan."
"Satan isn't necessarily recurring. Or a villain, for that matter."
"Satan not a villain?"
"Nope. Take Angel Sanctuary, for instance."
"Mmm. He was hot in Angel Sanctuary."
"I'll say."
"..."
"...I should really stop doing that."
"Yeah."
"Because it's kind of..."
"Kind of?"
"Kind of eeee."
"Ah."
"Yes."
There was a long pause.
"Is it really necessary to have four?"
"What?"
"Four 'e's. Is it really necessary?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Well, in western culture, the number three holds most of the significance. You know. Three men, three wishes, three bishounen having a sordid ménage a trois - "
"So, do you have a single-track mind or what?"
"Two-track, actually. Bishounen and Luc. It kind of overlaps."
"Oh."
Pause.
"Hey, Sarah. You know what would be really funny? If they made a sitcom about us. They could call it...'I Love Luc-y!'"
"..."
"...Oh."
Pause.
"This would be going a lot faster if we didn't spend all our time standing about bantering."
"It would also be going a lot faster if I were doing the teleport."
"Like hell! It's an instantaneous thing."
"Uh-huh. Or it would be, if we weren't lost."
"We're not lost."
"Yes we are."
"No we're not."
"I'll bet you twenty potch we are..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"There is something very, very wrong about this," Albert said as Lucia handed the other end of his leash to Viki. She had seemed to get right over her cold once she had seen what she had to distract her.
"Don't be ludicrous," Lucia said, ruffling his dark crimson hair with something rather akin to affection. He wasn't entirely sure if she didn't know who he was or just didn't care. "Guys love this sort of thing. Just ask Hugo's dad!"
One elegant eyelid over one keen emerald eye began to twitch. "Don't get me wrong," he said, shuddering, "you're a very attractive woman, but that's the sort of thing I don't really want to know."
"Well, you had best get used to it, babycakes," she snickered.
This was too much. "Don't you know who I am? I'm a Silverberg, not a love-slave!"
"Not impossible to be both," she shrugged.
He could think of no response to this, so he merely muttered, "This cannot possibly be legal."
"It is," Billy said. They all stared at him until he left.
"Now, Viki," Lucia said, "promise me you'll take good care of him."
"I will, Miss Lucia."
"You'll feed him..."
"Uh-huh."
"And give him plenty of - " She snickered. "Exercise - "
"Sure thing!"
"Well then. You be a good boy, Mr. Silverberg," she grinned, then walked off and shut the door behind her.
"Wait! Don't leave me!" Albert wailed. As creepy as Lucia was, Viki was just scary.
"I think I'll name you Rufus," she announced.
"Look! How many times do I have to tell you people, I did not steal his outfit - "
"What are you talking about?" she giggled.
"My name is Albert. Albert Silverberg. Look, I'm a - I'm a very powerful man. I'm a strategist - For God's sake! I work for Luc! Your enemy! Don't you think it would be a good idea to hold me for ransom, to - to use me in exchange for the halting of his plans - "
"Silly Rufus! I'm neeeever gonna give you up! Nope, nope! You know what I think I'll do now?"
"No. No, and I don't want to know." Damn his support character status!
"I think I'll play dress-up!"
"Oh God."
"You remember FFIX? Kuja sure did have a cute outfit!"
And Albert Silverberg, unflappable master strategist, began to scream.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So?" Percival asked, grinning in anticipation. "How'd it go?"
"I don't know..." Borus said hesitantly. "I've been avoiding her ever since I sent them to her."
Percival pushed a button on his Plot Device - Romance Edition and watched with glee as Chris appeared, caught sight of them, and started to walk over. "Is that a fat - I mean, fact?" he asked gleefully.
"Yeah. I think I made a good choice with the flowers, though. I sent her orchids. They reminded me of the color of her eyes." He sighed, and somewhere else, an angel got its wings and seventeen separate cases of diabetes were diagnosed.
"But they were dead, right?" Percival asked frantically, twisting a dial on his Plot Device. It shorted out, and he threw it to the ground in frustration. He never should have trusted Yuber.
"Oh, sure. It was great! I walked into the flower store, and all the flowers were dead! It worked out so well. Couldn't find any lettuce, though. I didn't get around to doing that part. God, Percy. If this doesn't work out, I don't know what I'm going to do. She's so incredible..."
"Hey, Borus!" Chris said from behind him. He looked just about ready to die, and turned to her slowly, face flushed.
"H-hello, Lady Chris," he said, sounding positively mortified. Percival was stomping on his own Plot Device, cursing his rotten luck.
"Thank you for the flowers, Borus. They were absolutely lovely."
Borus visibly perked up. "Really? I - I would have sent them to you on fire, but they told me they couldn't be shipped that way..."
"Oh, that's all right, really," Chris assured him. "Whenever I touch anything, it bursts into flame anyway. The True Fire Rune, don't you know. It's sort of like the Midas Touch, only cooler-looking and somewhat less profitable."
"Because things burn up instead of turning into the most precious substance in the world?" Percival asked, voice dripping scorn.
"Exactly!" Chris said, clapping Percy chummily on the back. "Well. 'Fraid I can't stay and chat. Flame Champion-y things to do and what have you." She walked off rather cheerfully, for her.
"She's wonderful," sighed Borus, smiling.
"Whatever," muttered Percival irritably. Damn them both! Then he tentatively sniffed the air. "Sorry, but do you smell something...burning?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Viki the Elder was sick. This was a terribly bad thing, as when she was sick, she sneezed. Consequently, only Lucia had the courage to get anywhere near her.
"Would you like some more chicken noodle soup?" Lucia asked gently. Viki shook her head miserably. "Well. I'm going to have to go away to do unspecified things in a while, so we should find someone else to keep you company."
"But do wud wants to come dear be," Viki said unhappily.
"Oh, that's all right! We'll get you a pet. What do you want? A dog? God knows there are enough of them around to take...A cat, maybe? To get ready for Suikoden IV?"
Viki thought a moment. "I wad a bishouden."
Lucia hesitated. "A bishounen, huh? Well, I'll...see what I can do..."
Just then, Viki took in a great deep breath. "I'm going do sdeeeze!" she warned. Lucia ran for cover just before Viki let loose.
A tall figure with dark red hair, a long white coat, and an arm protecting his eyes appeared in the middle of the room. Slowly, he straightened.
"Um...Where am I?" Albert asked.
Lucia popped up from behind a dresser. "Damn, I'm good."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Geddoe slowly awoke to the sound of muffled giggling. That was a bad sign. Last time that had happened, Ace had called up the Sexy Granny Escort Service. And while granted, they did make an oddly attractive cookie, there was always the fear that one would break a hip or something.
"Shhh! He's waking up!" Ace hissed. No surprise there.
However, it was Queen that spoke next. "No, it's okay. I'm allowed to do this."
He opened his eyes to see five accursed faces peering over him. Oh, but he hated the world.
"I hope you don't mind," Queen said with a smile. "While you were passed out, I went ahead and made good on the conditions of my win. There's a mirror on the wall. Go on."
He hauled his sorry, headache-y ass out of bed and stumbled over to said mirror. His head was wrapped in a garishly-colored bandanna and his clothes were far too baggy, dragged down further by the multitude of chains that stuck out of every pocket, of which there were far too many.
"Isn't it great?" Ace squawked.
"..."
"You're ghetto, Geddoe!"
"..."
"Now, now, Ace. Let him get accustomed to his new outfit. It won't work, you know," Queen added as he tugged at the bandanna.
"Why not?"
"We managed to unearth an old rune - 'Lazy RPG Developer's Rune,' I think it was called. Is that right?"
"Yes," Jacques said simply.
"Yes, it is. As long as you have it affixed, you're stuck in those, er, 'threads.'" She giggled, not a little bit evilly.
"So I'll remove it."
"Oh, but that would take money."
"I have - I have far too much money."
"That's where you're wrong. Ace has far too much money."
Geddoe turned to Ace. "I need to borrow some money."
"Sure, boss. How much?" he asked, digging in a pocket.
"Fifty."
"Fifty," Queen repeated with great emphasis. "You know how much that is, Ace? Half of one hundred. And that's a full tenth of one thousand, which is in turn a tenth of ten thousand. Ten of those is equal to one hundred thousand! And that's well over a tenth of our entire finances!"
"Ace," Geddoe said irritably. "Give me the money." But Ace was looking decidedly uncertain.
"You could give it to him, but ask yourself - how much will it be next time? How much?"
"Ace!"
"Just imagine it, Ace." The sai-wielding whoremonger was backing away, shaking his head.
"Oh, for - give me the goddamn money!" Geddoe snapped, and reached out. There was a flurry of movement, and he snatched his hand back.
"He bit me!"
"So he did," Queen said, watching the quasi-feral Ace crouching in a corner.
"I'm bleeding!"
"So you are. You'd best go to the infirmary. Human bites get infected quite easily. And on the way, you'll have the opportunity to show off your new outfit."
Geddoe, clutching his hand to his chest, shot her a furious look, then stormed off.
"Ouchu," Joker snickered.
"Well-put, my only vaguely coherent friend. Well-put."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Percival lay irritably on his bed, a member of his fanclub (or as he fondly called them, "The Gratuitous Horny Female NPCs") massaging salve into his badly burned back. Strangely enough, they were all named You R. Bigast Fahn. He called them You for short.
"Damn it all!" he snapped, startling You into digging her poorly-rendered fingernails into his back. After kicking her out, he sat gingerly back in a chair. This was not going well. If anything, Borus was even closer to creating a relationship with Chris, and then where would Percival be?
He needed a plan. And to create a plan, he needed an evil mind as devious as his own.
~~~
"Yuh huh huh. The Grim Reaper has love for us all," Landis chortled.
"I'm sorry, but I need someone with less evil."
~~~
"Oh, sure! Love! I know all about it. There was this lad named Romeo, don't you know. I crossed his stars right good."
"More mind," he muttered to himself as he shoved Estella from the room.
~~~
"Oh ho ho ho ho ho!" Guillaume chortled.
"Just...no."
~~~
"You want to destroy your best friend's chance at true and lasting happiness in the world?" Mike repeated, at once horrified and amused.
"Yeah. You want to help me or not?"
"Well, I don't know," he said, intertwining his long fingers. "I'm a man of morals. Doing something so bone-rottingly horrible costs more."
"How much?"
"A million potch."
"My wallet can only hold 999,999."
"I'm sorry, but the price is non-negotiable."
"Well, can I pay you in installments?"
"I'm afraid not."
"Hm. Do you accept other forms of payment?"
"Firstborn child," Mike said with a laugh.
"Done."
This brought the charming card-dealer up short. "Wait - what?"
"Sounds like a good deal."
"I was only - Wait a second. I don't even know if indentured servitude is legal."
"It is," came a new voice from their right. Mike's face hardened as he looked at Billy.
"What was that?" Percival asked.
"Awww, you know. Indentured servi-whatzis is legal."
"And how would you know, you pink-wearing cowboy thief of a deadbeat dad?" Mike asked, voice brittle.
"I do NOT wear pink!" he shouted, and picked up a nearby copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and used it to brain a random NPC.
"But all I ever wanted to do was fill the world with my sweet music!" it bleated as it died.
"..." Mike and Percival responded in unison.
"Anyway," Billy said, archetype of irresponsible hick cool. "I was studyin' ta be a lawyer before I turned to thievin'. I wanted to pursue an honester career, you see."
"Ha, ha," Mike muttered, and it would have taken someone denser than Leo to miss the sarcasm in his voice. "A dishonest lawyer joke. You know, I'd put all my money on the fact that they actually kicked you out for not knowing the comparative form of 'honest.'"
"Yeah, well. I had talent for it, ya know. Even more than what I have with the cards."
"That is definitely not saying very much."
"What's your problem, Mike?" Percival asked. "You're usually so...mild."
"I come from a long line of dignified, elegant card dealers. We have manners. We have class. We have intelligence, and we're unnaturally attractive. I treasure that reputation. But then men like him come through, with his womanizing and his gin and his spittoons - "
"Well, where d'you spit? The floor?" Billy guffawed.
Mike eyed Billy rather in the manner that he would look at a three-legged leper rat that had peed all over his best pack of cards in the middle of the night. "I don't...spit," he said, making it sound rather like "copulate frantically with a wild boar that finds Kenji charming and tends to like it kinky."
"Then you're not a real man, you dumbass little Yuber-loving pansy," he said, then hesitated. "Oh, wait. That was supposed to be implied by the way I said it, huh?"
"Yes, it was, and can we get off this topic, please?" Percival pleaded. "Look - I'm probably going to need someone who can help me, you know, not break the law. What are your fees?"
"Second-born child," Billy said as Mike made outraged noises.
"Done, and done!"
"Look, I'm not working with him."
"Mike, do you want an unnaturally handsome card-lackey or not?"
"Well, yes. But - oh, whatever," he said bad-naturedly.
"Good. So?"
"So what?"
"What's your plan?"
"Oh, yes. Well. What you have to do is take Chris before Borus gets to her."
"I'm sorry. I just need to clear up a misconception of yours. There will be no taking of Chris. It is impossible to take her. She could take me any day of the week, but not vice versa."
"Well, thank you for that charming little speech, but you seem to have missed the point. She finds Borus charming, so what you need to do is act like Borus, only more so."
"I see."
"Good! Get to it, then!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"We're lost," Yuber announced.
"No we're not."
"We wouldn't be lost if I were doing the teleport."
"We're not lost."
"Yes we are."
"No we're not."
"I'll bet you twenty potch we're lost."
"For crying out - it's a goddamn teleport. You disappear in one place, you appear in another."
"Of course, it helps if you know where the second place is."
"And the first."
"True. You know, I could teleport us a lot better."
"Oh?"
"Yeah."
"Because you're Satan."
"And a recurring villain to boot."
"I already said you were Satan."
"Satan isn't necessarily recurring. Or a villain, for that matter."
"Satan not a villain?"
"Nope. Take Angel Sanctuary, for instance."
"Mmm. He was hot in Angel Sanctuary."
"I'll say."
"..."
"...I should really stop doing that."
"Yeah."
"Because it's kind of..."
"Kind of?"
"Kind of eeee."
"Ah."
"Yes."
There was a long pause.
"Is it really necessary to have four?"
"What?"
"Four 'e's. Is it really necessary?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Well, in western culture, the number three holds most of the significance. You know. Three men, three wishes, three bishounen having a sordid ménage a trois - "
"So, do you have a single-track mind or what?"
"Two-track, actually. Bishounen and Luc. It kind of overlaps."
"Oh."
Pause.
"Hey, Sarah. You know what would be really funny? If they made a sitcom about us. They could call it...'I Love Luc-y!'"
"..."
"...Oh."
Pause.
"This would be going a lot faster if we didn't spend all our time standing about bantering."
"It would also be going a lot faster if I were doing the teleport."
"Like hell! It's an instantaneous thing."
"Uh-huh. Or it would be, if we weren't lost."
"We're not lost."
"Yes we are."
"No we're not."
"I'll bet you twenty potch we are..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"There is something very, very wrong about this," Albert said as Lucia handed the other end of his leash to Viki. She had seemed to get right over her cold once she had seen what she had to distract her.
"Don't be ludicrous," Lucia said, ruffling his dark crimson hair with something rather akin to affection. He wasn't entirely sure if she didn't know who he was or just didn't care. "Guys love this sort of thing. Just ask Hugo's dad!"
One elegant eyelid over one keen emerald eye began to twitch. "Don't get me wrong," he said, shuddering, "you're a very attractive woman, but that's the sort of thing I don't really want to know."
"Well, you had best get used to it, babycakes," she snickered.
This was too much. "Don't you know who I am? I'm a Silverberg, not a love-slave!"
"Not impossible to be both," she shrugged.
He could think of no response to this, so he merely muttered, "This cannot possibly be legal."
"It is," Billy said. They all stared at him until he left.
"Now, Viki," Lucia said, "promise me you'll take good care of him."
"I will, Miss Lucia."
"You'll feed him..."
"Uh-huh."
"And give him plenty of - " She snickered. "Exercise - "
"Sure thing!"
"Well then. You be a good boy, Mr. Silverberg," she grinned, then walked off and shut the door behind her.
"Wait! Don't leave me!" Albert wailed. As creepy as Lucia was, Viki was just scary.
"I think I'll name you Rufus," she announced.
"Look! How many times do I have to tell you people, I did not steal his outfit - "
"What are you talking about?" she giggled.
"My name is Albert. Albert Silverberg. Look, I'm a - I'm a very powerful man. I'm a strategist - For God's sake! I work for Luc! Your enemy! Don't you think it would be a good idea to hold me for ransom, to - to use me in exchange for the halting of his plans - "
"Silly Rufus! I'm neeeever gonna give you up! Nope, nope! You know what I think I'll do now?"
"No. No, and I don't want to know." Damn his support character status!
"I think I'll play dress-up!"
"Oh God."
"You remember FFIX? Kuja sure did have a cute outfit!"
And Albert Silverberg, unflappable master strategist, began to scream.