Warnings: Light Shounen-ai (Male/Male / Slash) so only proceed if you're fine with it.
Opportunity knocks but once. I was a fool not to recognise that. Now, I will live with that regret all my life, always wondering what it would be like-- could be like-- had I seized that chance and acted differently.
Like most folks, we started out as friends. Perhaps "friends" isn't the most appropriate term; after all, he wasn't the happiest to meet me. Still, we passed that hurdle, moving onto the next stage... friends.
Outwardly, we were the dream team. The head and his right-hand man, if you will. Nothing could be further from the truth. He wasn't just my right-hand man... he was more than that, much more. He became in spirit the brother that I lacked. It was a well-known fact that I had siblings, and that I was the youngest. What most didn't know was that in my case, being the youngest hardly felt any different from being the only child, for we rarely spoke to each other on that intimate level that I yearned for. We spoke without understanding, heard without listening... and no one knew. No one, except for him.
I should have known that he would be more in tune to such things. He never quite cornered me on it, preferring to leave me to tell him if I will. That, obviously, would never happen. No matter how much I trusted him-- and I trusted him with much more than my life-- I would never burden him with my problems. It was tough enough that he had to deal with his responsibilities of being the oldest child of the famous ninja clan; he most certainly didn't need me adding anything on. Not that he would complain-- he is sweet in that aspect.
Anyhow, sometime between our meeting and before he met his little Wisteria fairy, he somehow slid into my life, and filling that gap left by my brother. Perhaps his older brother mode kicked in and dictated that he baby me so; perhaps I let him in; whatever the case, silently, without my knowing, we entered the next level: siblings.
We were then at that stage where he could practically read my mind. It comforted me, knowing that someone would always understand me, regardless of whether or not I voiced my thoughts. Of course, it had its drawbacks, like him being able to sense my attempts at avoiding paperwork even before they took place, or being able to find me no matter where I hid, or to be able to tell when I was milking sympathy... It made it harder for me to come up with newer and more innovative games, but it also became so much more fun. I had-- simply put-- the time of my life then.
Twas a pity it didn't last.
Slowly, I found myself getting more and more involved with him, so much so that I thought about him more and more frequently. I saw him everywhere. In my dreams, during lunch, in the crowd, in the council room... he filled my thoughts, and soon, I couldn't help but wonder what the future would be like. I wondered whether we'd still be as close when we grew up, whether we'd be flat mates, together for eternity; or perhaps if we would continue to work together after graduation. I found myself thinking of it more and more, and I couldn't help but wonder... is this love?
Unlike most couples whom I've read about, I've never hallucinated about us sharing a bed, or having any... special activities. Perhaps this was because I was only twelve? Whatever the reason, the symptoms I was showing didn't match that of homosexual couples... which reassured me somewhat. Regardless of what Suoh had pledged, I wasn't sure he was open-minded enough for that.
So I was ready to pass it out of my mind. We were happy right now, weren't we? That was all sought -- to live for the present; to be happy. And I was. Time enough to think about it should the issue ever arise. Right now, he was just a friend that I longed to be with every minute of the day. That just meant we were exceedingly close friends, doesn't it?
Then he met up with his Wisteria Fairy. He didn't tell me a thing, but I guessed half as much, from the way he was acting. Apparently homosexual and heterosexual couples display the same calf-like behaviour of love. And it was then that I did the stupidest thing I could ever have done.
Given Suoh's behaviour, he might never have entered the relationship on such a level had I not encouraged him. Several times, before he went on his dates which I planned for him, he would ask me hesitantly, "Will you be all right, Kaichou?" And I had merely smiled and nodded. Sure, go on ahead, I would reassure him. I'll be fine. And then we'd wrap it up with a simple jest, to have him leave with his face a deep red. And I rejoiced at that. For I found his reaction amusingly cute. And I still didn't realise the significance of that thought.
It wasn't until later, when they were planning their wedding that I realised how much I loved him, and how jealous of Nagisa that I was. That I wanted to be the one to stand beside, to exchange vows and rings with him. And it was only then that I realised how much he meant to me. But it was too late.
Suoh had fallen in love, at my instigation. He now loved another. There was still room for me in his heart, but it would never be quite the same again. Things could have been so different, had I seized the chance to tell him that I loved him. Had I not pushed him then, would he have fallen so madly in love with Nagisa?
And so, on my birthday, with my own hands, I gave away my love as I-- the best man-- gave the ring to my best friend to wed his wife with.
Opportunity had knocked upon my door, giving me the chance to figure out what I wanted from that relationship which we shared, but I was afraid to explore it, afraid to find that I wanted more than what he could give. So I let it slip by my fingers, believing that there would be another chance in the future for me to make up my mind. Only there never was a second chance.
Opportunity knocks but once. I was a fool not to have realised that.