The New Surgeon
By Hikari Tsuki Chi
Disclaimer- I don't own MASH.
MASH 4077, Korea, 1952. Hawkeye Pierce was waiting for Colonel Potter, new C.O. of the Double Natural, as this Mash unit was called by those who were stationed at this crummy outfit three miles from the front, to explain the reason he called this meeting. Potter had only been here for two weeks and already thought the place was a nuthouse. Right now, they were waiting for Radar O'Reilly, the company clerk, who just then came in the door. "Well, I called this meeting to inform you of the arrival of a new surgeon, a Major Reilly," said Colonel Potter.
"When is Major Reilly due, Colonel? I'm eager to meet him," said Major Frank Burns, staff malpracticer, er, ranking surgeon.
Colonel Potter knew that he, meaning Frank, along with the rest of the senior surgical staff would be in for a surprise, mainly with the gender of the new surgeon, something only he, as C.O., and Radar, as company clerk, knew. "The new surgeon just pulled up, sirs and ma'am," said Radar, running out to greet the major.
When they all out outside, they were shocked (not counting Potter and Radar). The person getting out of the jeep was a woman! She got the attention of every man in 20 ft of her and even BJ, who was happily married, was looking her over. With long silky gold-blonde hair, deep blue eyes, and the perfect body and skin all women would kill for; she was a goddess in an Army Class-A uniform. The men drooled and the nurses searched for some fault. Hawkeye said, "I saw her first."
The woman walked over to Colonel Potter and saluted. "Major Serena Reilly reporting for duty, sir."
Frank was beside himself. "A female surgeon! I won't stand for it! This is unheard of!" he cried in anger, but for once, Major Margaret Houlihan disagreed with Frank about a female surgeon.
"Why can't a woman be a surgeon!" screamed Margaret.
Serena Reilly turned and faced Frank. " Look, I finished top of my class at Emory. I specialize in general, chest, and neurosurgery. I assure you, I am a good surgeon, maybe as good as the best surgeon here," she said, "Ferret Face," she added as an afterthought, just to see his face turn red.
Before Frank could come up with a comeback through his stuttering (Yeah right, like that would ever happen), Radar called out, "Choppers!"
"How many?"
"Too many!"
"We just got finished with three days of wounded!"
The flow of wounded lasted nearly four days. During that time, Serena out did nearly every surgeon at the 4077, except of course for Hawkeye. Frank was still smarting over her insult and the fact that she bailed out one of his patients that he operated on that had developed complications. After the wounded stopped coming, Serena was put in Margaret's tent, whom by now had gained respect for Serena as a talented surgeon. Soon they were seen everywhere together, the Mess Tent (where Serena joined Hawkeye in sniffing the food), Post-Op, Officer's Club, and just about anywhere around camp. The nurses noticed that Margaret was kinder to them and stopped hanging around Frank. She even became a prankster. Frank learned that the hard way about 3 weeks after Serena arrived. Frank had stopped by Margaret's and Serena's tent in hopes of rekindling their affair. When he walked in the tent there was a lump on each cot. He walked over to Margaret's cot pleaded that he couldn't live without her. When he finally pulled back the blanket with a "Oh, Margaret", there was a skeleton in the cot! Frank screamed and checked the other cot to find another skeleton! He screamed and just then there was a flash from the closet. Margaret, Serena, Hawkeye, BJ, Colonel Potter, Radar, and Father Mulcahy ran into the tent to find Frank shaking. "What happened?" asked Colonel Potter.
Frank, stuttering, pointed at Hawkeye "He-he did-d this! Who else? And there-re's someone in here!"
Hawkeye walked over to the closet and opened it to reveal Klinger. With a camera. "Klinger, is there someone in here?"
" I've been in here twenty minutes, I didn't see anyone."
At this point, Serena and Margaret cracked up. Laughter was something new to be heard from Major 'Hot Lips' Houlihan. "You-you should have-have seen your face! And you will. Along with the 8th Army!" said Margaret.
"Here you go Klinger, 10 dollars, just as Margaret and I promised." said Serena, handing Klinger the money.
"You two did this! This is something I'd expect from Hawkeye and BJ, not either of you! Explain!" cried Potter.
"He deserved it," was all they said.
Over the next few months, a war was waged between Hawkeye and BJ, and Margaret and Serena or "The Major Duo", as they came to be called at the Double Natural. Prank after prank was pulled. Live mice in the coleslaw, IV solution in the men's showerheads, and underwear on the flagpole. Now, these events would draw the attention of someone, and it did. The attention drew Colonel Sam "the wind" Flagg, the insane CIA officer. He appeared in a Scottish military uniform in the outer office and went into Potter's office. Potter said "What is it this time, Flagg?"
"You have a subversive in your camp, a Major Serena Reilly."
"Impossible. Rad-"
"Major Reilly is on her way, sir."
When Serena came in with Margaret, Flagg read the charges. "That's crazy," she said, just as the lights went out.
When the lights came on again, Potter and Margaret were gone, and Serena was standing there, in a skin-tight dress that left little to the imagination. Flagg stopped breathing, his eyes bugged out. She walked over and began kissing him, the deep, French kisses that brought all kinds of promises. He made a sound that sounded like a moan. Just then a flash went off, with catcalls, whistles, and a " you go girl!" from one of the nurses. THAT brought Flagg to his senses.
"You've been had, Flagg!" said Hawkeye, glad that Flagg got a taste of his own medicine.
With that, the lights went out again, yet when they came back on, Flagg was gone, hopefully forever. Turns out that EVERYONE at the Double Natural was in on this prank. Klinger was paid $50 for the picture, which they sent to the CIA. And the FBI. And the White House. But sadly, a month after the incident, Serena got sent back to the States. The months that she had spent faded to memories. But at the last reunion of the MASH 4077th, Radar pulled out pictures his grandkids, who lived in Tokyo. When everyone saw them, they were shocked. Their friend, Major Serena Reilly, was standing with Radar's son and grandson. They were even more surprised to learn her name-Serena Usagi Tsukino O'Reilly.