Fox Chicken: And we're back.
Turkey Mulder: If you've just joined us it's because you've skipped a chapter because it started slow haven't you? You people make me sick -
Fox: Whoa there, Turk. If you have just joined us, you missed Meryl Silverburgh's kidnapping at the sneaky hands of her boyfriend Snake's opponent in our main event: Sam Fisher!
Turk: Oh, yeah, plus you haven't missed our other huge match tonight: Samus Aran VS Master Chief from Halo! I am so looking forward to that match. It could be the best fight of all time! And I should know, being a combat sports expert.
Fox: Best fight of all time? What about the Rumble In The Jungle?
Turk: Err - wasn't that a porn film starring Johnny Weissmuller?
Fox: Never mind. But coming up next Colonel Campbell has the chance to fight for his daughter/niece's honour against Sam Fisher's superior Colonel Irving Lambert.
Turk: I can't tell the difference between them. Hideo Kojima really ripped him off when he created Campbell. Tom Clancy must be rolling around in his grave.
Fox: OKAY I think Campbell's coming out now -
(Original drum beat from Metal Gear plays. An old black man in military uniform steps out, salutes the crowd and marches down to the ring)
Turk: No, that's Lambert. I specifically asked him to shave off his moustache for this fight so that we wouldn't get confused.
Fox: Campbell doesn't have a moustache!
Turk: And that sounds like Lambert -
(Splinter Cell music plays. An old black man in military uniform steps out, salutes the crowd and marches down to the ring.)
Fox: And the fight is about to begin -
(The two colonels, indistinguishable, stare each other down. Lambert grabs the mic)
Irving Lambert: Whassappnin y'all? I 'as come to wish ma boay Sammy luck tonite!
Fox: That is blatant stereotypical black man attitude, something Campbell fought against in his army years. Lambert must've paid off our scriptwriter!
Turk: I think it's real nice of Irving to give support to his best operative as he has done many times in the past.
Lambert: Good luck in bed with that b*tch he kidnapped!
Turk: That bastard! He's got to be stopped!
(Campbell grabs the microphone out of Lambert's hands)
Campbell: You've gotta lotta nerve comin' out here and talking jive to me. But nobody calls my Snake a bitch!
Lambert: You gottit all wong, grandpa. I was rappin' about -
(Before Lambert can finish his sentence, Campbell slaps him to the floor)
Campbell: Now who's the b*tch, b*tch?
Lambert: (getting to his feet) What did you call me homey?
Campbell: I'll give you a clue - (backhands him out of the ring)
Fox: Trash talking and two vicious rights have given Campbell the upper hand.
Turk: I don't know who to pick in this match, they're both so even.
(Campbell steps between the ropes out of the ring and starts to gesture Lambert to get up)
Fox: Campbell looking to continue his assault on the face -
(Lambert rises. Campbell jumps on him knocking him backwards and repeatedly slaps him like a big tough girl man)
Turk: Lambert's face has turned red!
(Lambert pushes Campbell of him. He jumps towards him but Campbell ducks. Lambert goes head first into the ring post)
Turk: That'll knock over a few chairs in the attic.
(Campbell grabs Lambert by the hair and slams his face repeatedly into the steel post. Lambert is bleeding.)
Fox: Oh my God, Lambert has more crimson on his face than - an episode of Captain Scarlet
Turk: That's it? Captain Scarlet? What the fu -
Fox: And now Lambert is fighting back.
(Lambert grabs a steel chair from underneath the ring and smashes it into Campbell's face)
Lambert: 'Ow's dat fore a b*tchslap, bee-hatch?
(Lambert rolls Campbell inside the ring)
Lambert: Ah mean, ya slept wid ya dead brofa's wife? Dat was low, man. WAY low.
(Lambert smashes the folding chair into Campbell's nether regions.)
Lambert: I fink I just found da Patriots -
(Campbell pulls a stapler from his army jacket and presses it into Lambert's groin)
Turk: I can't watch. Lambert, get out of there -
(Lambert retreats out of, and then underneath the ring holding his groin)
Campbell: Where are you going, you prick?
Fox: That's a strategic retreat by Lambert -
Turk: Strategic sh*t, he's turned chicken. No offence, Fox.
Fox: Non taken. Now Campbell is rolling underneath the ring after his foe.
Turk: Get that jived up twat, Rory!
Fox: The atmosphere is so massive in this arena, our editor can't keep up with the unnecessary swearing.
Turk: Cripple that piece of shit!
Campbell: Get your fat ass out of there or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party.
Fox: Tough words from a tough man.
Turk: Snot party? What the f -
Fox: Wait, there's Lambert emerging from underneath the ring -
Turk: And Campbell's hot on his fat sweaty heels!
Fox: Speaking of fat and sweaty, is that who I think it is?
Turk: Yes! It's Fatman!
Fatman: Laugh, and grow gastronomically challenged!
Turk: He hasn't been the same since they mixed up his subliminal weight loss tape with the vocabulary builder tape.
(Fatman takes a bottle of wine to the back of Campbell's head. He proceeds to set a mini-bomb to Campbell's arse and waddle out of the ring while stroking his hands. A huge explosion ensues followed by a rainstorm of blood and shit)
Fox: Jesus Christ almighty.
Turk: He does this at every party.
Mills Lane: The winner: Colonel Rory Campbell!
Turk: -
Fox: So, were we just watching the wrong guy?
Turk: No, it was a joint conspiracy by The Patriots and MTV to make us believe that we were watching Lambert beat the crap out of Campbell when we were actually watching a hologram of Campbell beating Lambert disguising what was really going on which was Lambert beating Campbell before suffering a Campbell comeback and eventually losing.
Fox: Well, it makes a lot more sense than the ending of Metal Gear Solid 2.
Turk: Which one?
(END OF PART 2)
Turkey Mulder: If you've just joined us it's because you've skipped a chapter because it started slow haven't you? You people make me sick -
Fox: Whoa there, Turk. If you have just joined us, you missed Meryl Silverburgh's kidnapping at the sneaky hands of her boyfriend Snake's opponent in our main event: Sam Fisher!
Turk: Oh, yeah, plus you haven't missed our other huge match tonight: Samus Aran VS Master Chief from Halo! I am so looking forward to that match. It could be the best fight of all time! And I should know, being a combat sports expert.
Fox: Best fight of all time? What about the Rumble In The Jungle?
Turk: Err - wasn't that a porn film starring Johnny Weissmuller?
Fox: Never mind. But coming up next Colonel Campbell has the chance to fight for his daughter/niece's honour against Sam Fisher's superior Colonel Irving Lambert.
Turk: I can't tell the difference between them. Hideo Kojima really ripped him off when he created Campbell. Tom Clancy must be rolling around in his grave.
Fox: OKAY I think Campbell's coming out now -
(Original drum beat from Metal Gear plays. An old black man in military uniform steps out, salutes the crowd and marches down to the ring)
Turk: No, that's Lambert. I specifically asked him to shave off his moustache for this fight so that we wouldn't get confused.
Fox: Campbell doesn't have a moustache!
Turk: And that sounds like Lambert -
(Splinter Cell music plays. An old black man in military uniform steps out, salutes the crowd and marches down to the ring.)
Fox: And the fight is about to begin -
(The two colonels, indistinguishable, stare each other down. Lambert grabs the mic)
Irving Lambert: Whassappnin y'all? I 'as come to wish ma boay Sammy luck tonite!
Fox: That is blatant stereotypical black man attitude, something Campbell fought against in his army years. Lambert must've paid off our scriptwriter!
Turk: I think it's real nice of Irving to give support to his best operative as he has done many times in the past.
Lambert: Good luck in bed with that b*tch he kidnapped!
Turk: That bastard! He's got to be stopped!
(Campbell grabs the microphone out of Lambert's hands)
Campbell: You've gotta lotta nerve comin' out here and talking jive to me. But nobody calls my Snake a bitch!
Lambert: You gottit all wong, grandpa. I was rappin' about -
(Before Lambert can finish his sentence, Campbell slaps him to the floor)
Campbell: Now who's the b*tch, b*tch?
Lambert: (getting to his feet) What did you call me homey?
Campbell: I'll give you a clue - (backhands him out of the ring)
Fox: Trash talking and two vicious rights have given Campbell the upper hand.
Turk: I don't know who to pick in this match, they're both so even.
(Campbell steps between the ropes out of the ring and starts to gesture Lambert to get up)
Fox: Campbell looking to continue his assault on the face -
(Lambert rises. Campbell jumps on him knocking him backwards and repeatedly slaps him like a big tough girl man)
Turk: Lambert's face has turned red!
(Lambert pushes Campbell of him. He jumps towards him but Campbell ducks. Lambert goes head first into the ring post)
Turk: That'll knock over a few chairs in the attic.
(Campbell grabs Lambert by the hair and slams his face repeatedly into the steel post. Lambert is bleeding.)
Fox: Oh my God, Lambert has more crimson on his face than - an episode of Captain Scarlet
Turk: That's it? Captain Scarlet? What the fu -
Fox: And now Lambert is fighting back.
(Lambert grabs a steel chair from underneath the ring and smashes it into Campbell's face)
Lambert: 'Ow's dat fore a b*tchslap, bee-hatch?
(Lambert rolls Campbell inside the ring)
Lambert: Ah mean, ya slept wid ya dead brofa's wife? Dat was low, man. WAY low.
(Lambert smashes the folding chair into Campbell's nether regions.)
Lambert: I fink I just found da Patriots -
(Campbell pulls a stapler from his army jacket and presses it into Lambert's groin)
Turk: I can't watch. Lambert, get out of there -
(Lambert retreats out of, and then underneath the ring holding his groin)
Campbell: Where are you going, you prick?
Fox: That's a strategic retreat by Lambert -
Turk: Strategic sh*t, he's turned chicken. No offence, Fox.
Fox: Non taken. Now Campbell is rolling underneath the ring after his foe.
Turk: Get that jived up twat, Rory!
Fox: The atmosphere is so massive in this arena, our editor can't keep up with the unnecessary swearing.
Turk: Cripple that piece of shit!
Campbell: Get your fat ass out of there or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party.
Fox: Tough words from a tough man.
Turk: Snot party? What the f -
Fox: Wait, there's Lambert emerging from underneath the ring -
Turk: And Campbell's hot on his fat sweaty heels!
Fox: Speaking of fat and sweaty, is that who I think it is?
Turk: Yes! It's Fatman!
Fatman: Laugh, and grow gastronomically challenged!
Turk: He hasn't been the same since they mixed up his subliminal weight loss tape with the vocabulary builder tape.
(Fatman takes a bottle of wine to the back of Campbell's head. He proceeds to set a mini-bomb to Campbell's arse and waddle out of the ring while stroking his hands. A huge explosion ensues followed by a rainstorm of blood and shit)
Fox: Jesus Christ almighty.
Turk: He does this at every party.
Mills Lane: The winner: Colonel Rory Campbell!
Turk: -
Fox: So, were we just watching the wrong guy?
Turk: No, it was a joint conspiracy by The Patriots and MTV to make us believe that we were watching Lambert beat the crap out of Campbell when we were actually watching a hologram of Campbell beating Lambert disguising what was really going on which was Lambert beating Campbell before suffering a Campbell comeback and eventually losing.
Fox: Well, it makes a lot more sense than the ending of Metal Gear Solid 2.
Turk: Which one?
(END OF PART 2)