Jess and Fio Show 2: Jess and Fio Return!
(Set 2 weeks after first show. Stage lights go on revealing a new set. There is a tall, long desk with two barstool like chairs behind it. The X-Men Evolution theme song starts to play. Behind the desk there is a large object hanging from the ceiling covered in a sheet. Fio enters from the left, holding a Pyro Plushie, and Jess enters from the right with a Gambit Action Figure in each hand. They take their seats and the stage crew wheels out the Pyro and Gambit mannequins, placing Pyro by Fio and Gambit by Jess)
Fio: Jess! It's so nice to see you out of the hospital!
Jess: Well I must say it's nice to finally be OUT of the hospital. They didn't have a DVD player for me to play my Evo VCD's on!
(Studio audience yells in outrage at the injustice)
Jess: (Startled) When did we get a live audience?
Az: It was my idea! I got them a few days after you knocked yourself out on Bern's camera.
Bern: (laughing) That was so funny! All of a sudden there's Jess running then SMACK! Jess's head runs into the camera! I have to see that again.
(Bern pulls out a remote and a huge movie screen unrolls from the ceiling)
Jess: I don't like this...............
Bern: Look! (she pushes another button on the remote and a clip of Jess jumping out of a cop's arms and runs into the camera)
Fio: Ha! You're right Bern! That IS funny!
(Jess buries face in hands while studio audience howls with laughter)
Jess: (muffled becasue her face is still in her hands) This is so embarassing............
Az: (snickering to Bern) Just wait!
Bern: Heh heh heh.
(Bern and Az laugh evilly)
Fio: (mutters to Jess) I don't like the sound of that!
Jess: (sighing) When do Az and Bern ever NOT give us a hard time?
Fio: True, true....
Jess: Anyways! It's so good to be back! And there were no charges filed by the police just in case anyone was wondering.
Fio: I know! Thank goodness Mr. X only referred to us as crazy psychotic fans.
Az: That's not all they referred to you as....
Jess and Fio: SHUT UP AZ!
Fio: Geez......
Jess: Can we please focus?
Bern: Jess, you have ADD, how do you focus?
Jess: You know what? You say I have ADD but you just don't understand.... (gets distracted by Gambit action figures and looses train of thought) Oh Look! My Gambit action figure is standing on it's own!
Bern: See? You just proved my point!
Jess: (blankly) What point?
Fio: (shaking head) Focus, Jess focus.
Jess: Huh?
Fio: Ohhhkaaaaay........... Today's topic is..............
(Drumroll starts to play)
Jess and Fio: PYRO AND GAMBIT!
Az: Like it's ever any different.
Bern: Tell me about it. But people still watch.
Az: I think it's just because of the insanity. Or Jess getting hurt.......
Jess: HUSH! Just because you are pumped up on Dorkosterone dosn't mean we can't talk about the things we love. And they HAPPEN to be Pyro and Gambit!
Fio: Jess, what the hell are you talking about?
Jess: What?
Az: Hey Jess, the Blonde Liberation League just called. They want their brain back.
Jess: SHUT UP AZ! I DID NOT HAVE A BRAIN TRANSPLANT!
Az: (laughing) Who'd want your brain?
Jess: (glares at Az and says in a loud voice) As usual our hot topics are number one, Pyro isn't gay, and number two, Gambit is not a bunny.
Az: (mumbles) Yes they are.
Fio: SHUT UP AZ! GEEZ!
(Stage crew member runs over to Jess and hands her a piece of paper. Jess reads it and hands it to Fio. She reads it and groans.)
Fio: They can't be serious.
Jess: What the hell is this? Az's Science Corner? Who's been smoking crack in the production lounge again?
Fio: This can only spell disaster......
Jess:(pressing her index and ring fingers into her temples) When are we supposed to let this bit happen?
Az: Right now!
(Az runs to a secret part of the stage. He puts on a white lab coat and steps behind his talbe full of chemicals and a bunsen burner)
Jess: (groaning) This can't be good!
(Jess reaches under the desk she's sharing with Fio and pulls out a bottle of Southern Comfort. She opens the bottle and takes a big swig.)
Fio: Jess! Where on earth did you get that?
Jess: I stole it from my brother Jacob.
(At that remark, Jess's brother Jacob barges onto the set and grabs the bottle out of Jess's hand."
Jess: HEY JERKWAD! GIVE IT BACK!
Jacob: This is mine Spazzy the Hummingbird. (tosses her bottle of Tequila) Take this instead.
Jess: Butthead.
Jacob: Hey Jessica, guess what?
Jess: What?
Jacob: NOTHING!
(Author's Note: My brother does this to me all the time. He thinks it's hysterical. It drives me nuts. Oh well, back to the story)
(Jess throws paperweight at Jacob)
Jess: Go suck on a railroad spike!
(Jacob ducks paperweight and leaves. Jess cracks open Tequila and takes a huge swig right out of the bottle)
Fio: GIMME THAT!
Az: Can we all please pay attention to me?
(Bern focus's her camera on Az)
Az: Ahem.
(Jess takes another swig of Tequila)
Fio: Uh Jess...... can I see that?
(Fio takes Tequila from Jess and hands it off to the stage crew who dumps it into the sink.)
Jess: HEY!
Az: AHEM!
Fio: Ok, ok. Go on Azzy. Don't get your undies in a wad.
Az: (clears throat) Today in Az's Science Corner we'll be proving a impossibility.
Fio: What impossibility?
Az: Wait and see. Ok, first we put on our lab coats. (waves Jess and Fio over to Science Corner)
Jess: (stumbling) Oh, ok.
Fio: (grumbling) This isn't going to be good.....
(Jess and Fio pull on white lab coats)
Az: (Hands them safety goggles) Put these on.
(Everyone puts on safty goggles and Jess and Fio start giggling)
Fio: Warp factor five, ENGAGE!
Jess: I'm Jordy LaForge!
Az: I know it may be hard, but can you two stop being stupid for five minutes? Ok. Now all we do is add all these chemicals together, (dumps all the chemicals into the beaker. He then puts Beaker on top of the bunsen burner)
Fio: Uh, Az?
Jess: Hmmm this kind of feels like deja vu............... that's right! I did this in chemistry once! Then all of a sudden...
(She is interruped by a foul odor and a lot of smoke coming from the beaker)
BOOOOOM!
(the contents of the beaker explode)
Jess: Yep I DEFINATLEY did this in Chemistry class..........
Az: Heh heh heh! Success!
Fio: (choking) What success? Blowing up the bunsen burner?
Jess: (sighs nostagically) I did that too.......
Fio: So what did you prove?
Az: I'm glad you asked that. I , by the process of scientific experimentation, have proved my theory beyond a reasonable doubt...
(Jess and Fio watch Az)
Az: PYRO IS GAY! (pulls out a clearly doctored picture of Pyro kissing Sabertooth)
Fio: (eye twitching) AZ! HE'S NOT GAY!
Bern: Oh come on Fio! Pyro's so deep in the closet he's finding Christmas presents!
Az: That's not all! (pulls bunny out of mess and tosses it at Jess) GAMBIT REALLY IS A MUTANT BUNNY FROM HELL!
Jess: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(She runs away with bunny chasing her, and runs into the desk she shares with Fio. She trips and tries to grab at the large sheet covering the object hanging from the ceiling. She yanks the sheet off and a large scoreboard is revealed.)
Fio: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
Bern: you know when you called us when Jess was still in the hospital? And you told us the doctor said she had nine concussions until she was braindead? (pushes another button on her remote. Instead of home team name, Jess's name shows up with a big nine next to it) Everytime she gets a concussion we'll subract one.
Fio: (slightly appaled) You are counting down the concussions until Jess DIES?
Jess: (still tangled in sheet) Can someone help me?
(Fio helps Jess out of sheet. Jess sees the board and just shakes her head.)
Jess: I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed...........
Fio: (annoyed at Az and Bern) Jess let's get back to our topic, shall we?
Jess: (runs to Gambit mannequin and sighs dreamily) Yes. Lets.
Bern: You guys have a guest.
Fio: Yay! A guest! Bring 'em out!
(Sashi come out and is glomped by Jess and Fio)
Jess: Sashi! Yay!
Sashi: I see you guys like those mannequins I brought you. Wait, (she looks around) Where's the Lance one?
Jess: We threw him in the compactor.
Fio: Yeah, it was much fun watching him get flattened like a pancake.
Sashi: Well I bear gifts for you guys. (She reaches into her bag and pulls out a lighter and a computer screen)
Fio: Uh, Sash? What the hell are those?
Sashi: Well it's a funny story. I kinda sorta 'snuck' into the prop closet of X2. (Picks up lighter) This is the lighter used by movie Pyro.
(Fio screeches with joy and attacks Sashi for the lighter)
Sashi: Yeah. Ok.
Jess: What's the deal with the computer screen?
Sashi: I'm so glad you asked! (turns on monitor and list of names pop up on the screen) Since Gambit wasn't in the movie and only his name was, this is the computer Mystique hacked into. See right there (She points at name halfway down list) There's Gambit's name!
(Jess also screeches and attacks Sashi for computer monitor)
Fio: (cradling lighter like it's a child) Sashi you so rock!
Jess: (sobbing unrestrained tears of joy over monitor) Yeah Sashi, you rock!
Sashi: Well, you guys are especially wierd today. I'm going to head out. I need to, uh, visit a friend. (Sashi leaves)
Az: She means break into an Evo writer's house. I bet that's what she's doing. Hey Jess and Fio, feel like answering studio audience questions?
Fio and Jess: Sure.
(Audience member walks down aisle to microphone)
Audience member 1: On your last show, your friend Val showed up with a Pyro and Gambit lookalikes. Have you heard from them?
Fio: I've tried to contact them. I wanted to suprise Jess while she was in the hospital, but it seems they've taken out a temporary retraining order. I'm not allowed within 100 feet of either of them. Neither is Jess.
Jess: That's so stupid too! We didn't do anything!
Audience member 2: You guys were also shot with elephant tranquilizers. Quite a bit of animal tranquilizers. How did you two fight it off so fast?
Jess and Fio: Tolerance.
Audience member 3: Jess, you are 24 years old. Don't you think it's pretty sad to be obsessed with a fictional comic character?
Jess: NO! He's real! I just have to find him. And how dare you make fun of the love Gambit and I share! It's a pure and selfless, sometimes scary love. Go to hell!
Fio: (laughing) HA!
Jess: This is stupid. I love Gambit. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm going to marry him and we're gonna have four kids and live in New Orleans.
Fio: I'm going to marry Pyro. I'm going to give him all the lighters he needs for the rest of his life...............
(Jess and Fio slip off into daydreams about marrying Pyro and Gambit)
Jess: OH! Fio! You and Pyro could live next door to me and Gambit. And Sashi could live down the street with Colossus!
Fio: YEAH! We could have cookouts in the back yard and all our kids could grow up togehter and we could all become known as the crazy people of New Orleans!
Jess: That would be SOOOOO COOL!
Jess and Fio: Yeaaaah!
Az: SNAP OUT OF IT!
Bern: Really. Do you guys know how stupid you sound?
Jess: (pouting) We don't sound stupid.......
Fio: Everyone has dreams..........
(Jess and Fio start to cry)
Jess and Fio: (wailing) HOW DARE YOU CRUSH OUR DREAMS???
(Jess and Fio hug eachother and cry, accusing of Az and Bern trying to destroy their dreams)
Az: Oh shut up you babies.
(Marvel walks out and hands Jess and Fio fan mail. She also brings out two odd shaped packages and places one in front of Fio and one in front of Jess)
Jess: (still crying) Why do you have to be so creul, Az? (distracted once package is in front of her) Oh! Look! Presents!
Bern: See! See! She has ADD!
Fio: Yay presents!
Marvel: I also brought you out some of the best fan mail from the last show.
Fio: Marvel, grab a chair and sit with us.
Marvel: Why not?
Jess: Yay!
(Jess starts shaking package to hear if it rattles. She accidentally shakes it to hard and it goes flying across the set.)
Jess: Whoops! I'll get it. (She hops off her barstool chair and gets her foot tangled in a light cable) OOOOF! (she falls down and hits her head on the floor)
Bern: ALLRIGHT! (whips out remote again and changes the nine on the concussion scoreboard to a eight)
Jess: (snaps back to reality) I'm up! I'm ok!
Marvel: Jess, I'll go get it. We don't need you killing yourself.
(Jess gets back in chair while Marvel gets the package. She sets it in front of Jess and when Jess reaches for it, Marvel slaps her hands)
Marvel: Leave it alone until I tell you too.
Jess: (grumbling) It's my package. It has my name on it...
Fio: So are we supposed to read these letters outloud?
Marvel: That's the plan.
Fio: (clearing throat) Dear Jess and Fio, Why on earth are you so obsessed with two people that don't exist? They are comic book characters! Get over it! But other than that, your show is really funny, but I don't get why Jess is so afraid of bunnies. Sincerely, Jess and Fio need to re-enter reality.
Marvel: Bunnies? You are afraid of bunnies?
Jess: More importantly, HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I NEED TO COME BACK TO REALITY?!?
Fio: I know! Pyro and Gambit could really exist! We just have to find them......
Marvel: If you manage that, can you get Magneto for me?
Fio: Sure thing Marvel!
Jess: So to the moron that wrote this letter, bite me! I'm fine just the way I am. Bunny phobia and all.
Fio: Do you want to read the next letter or should I, Jess?
Jess: I will. Dear Jess and Fio, You two are insane. I think you need to be heavily medicated and put into straitjackets and then dumped into a padded room for the rest of your lives. The thought of you two ever eventually getting married and having kids is enough to shock any normal, hardworking, decent american. Do us all a favor and get your tubes tied. Sincerely, You two need to die.
Fio: Ok, that pisses me off! Howdaereyoutellmetotiemytubes?How wouldihave childrenwithpyroand liveinneworleansdownthestreetfromjess?
Jess: (at the same time as Fio)Ithinkitisyouwhoneedstodie,moron!I'mperfectlyfinethewayiam, and nomedicationonearthcould make megiveupmy onetruelovegambit!
(Jess and Fio both start screaming at the top of their lungs, their sentences running into long huge ones. Eventually, all you can hear are certian words like, Gambit, Pyro, Husband, Kids.)
Bern: Just great, now they are both motormouths. Who picked that letter? They must have known it would piss them off.
Az: Hee hee hee.
Bern: Well done Azzy my cohort in crime! (Bern whips out her trusy tranquilizer gun and shoots Fio and Jess in the neck AGAIN with elephant tranquilizers. They both fall to the floor)
Marvel: Oops! Jess hit her head again!
(Bern uses her remote to make the eight on the scoreboard a seven)
Az: If she keeps this up, she'll be dying today!
Bern: Then I'd win the bet!
(Jess and Fio pick themselves off the floor)
Bern: HOW THE HELL? I upped the dosage again!
(Fio pulls REAL tranquilzer gun from under desk)
Jess: We switched the guns. Ha ha!
Fio: Now it's time you guys got a little taste of what it's like to be doped up on elephant tranquilizers. ( She shoots at Az, but he ducks and she accidentaly hits an audience member in the forehead, right between the eyes) Ooops! Heh heh heh!
Marvel: Why don't you guys open your packages now?
Jess: PRESENTS!!!
Fio: Yay!!
Marvel: Fio first.
(Fio tears off the brown paper packaging and pulls open the cardboard box, revealing a bunch of comic book pages)
Fio: Uh, these are just pages............(looks at pages for a moment and gets red in the face with righteous fury) WHO SENT THIS?
Jess: What's wrong with them?
Fio: (shaking fist in anger) SOME JACKASS SENT ME A BOX OF COMIC PAGES TRYING TO PROVE PYRO IS GAY!
Az: Yes! I need to meet this guy!
Fio: AZZY! (whips out spork of d00m and chases Az with it)
Az: NO! NOT THE SPORK OF d00m! (runs away screaming)
Jess: Is it my turn NOW?
Marvel: Knock yourself out.
(Jess gives Marvel a wierd look)
Marvel: WAIT! NOT REALLY!
Jess: Whatever. (rips package apart and finds a jack in the box like the one Jean had in Mindbender) What the f...
Fio: Jess! Watch your mouth!
(Jess begins to turn the crank on the jack in the box, right when the tune gets to 'Pop goes the Weasel' a huge ugly Mesmero face pops out with a pair of bunny ears glued to his head)
Jess: (chucking jack in the box across the stage) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Az: That's not all! (releases cargo net above her filled with bunnies)
Jess: (jumps on top of the desk) Get................them......................awaaaaaaaaaaaay!
(Stage crew uses stun guns to stun the bunnies and take them away in wheelbarrows)
Jess: (eye twitching) I hate you Az..........
Az: No you don't.
Bern: Heh heh heh.
(Sashi comes running back on stage to find Fio talking to her Pyro plushie and Jess hugging the computer monitor with Gambit's name on it)
Sashi: FIO! THERE'S A PHONE CALL FOR YOU!
Fio: So? We get calls all the time.
Sashi: IT'S PYRO!
Fio: PYRO?!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (She and Jess begin to jump up and down with excitement)
Sashi: Ready? (She puts the phone call on the speaker system)
Pyro: (In an obviously made phone call taken from snippets of his lines on Evo) Hey mates, this is for my number one Sheila, Fio. (Fio's jaw drops) I just wanted to call and clear the air (Fio's draw drops more) So I would like to take this moment to say that I love (Fio's jaw drops to the floor) Men.
(Fio screeches and again attacks Az. She puts him in headlock while Sashi laughs and points at the two of them.)
Sashi: Oh my god, Fio, you should have seen your face.
Jess: Whoops! I accidentally knocked down one of my Gambit action figures............ I'm soooo sorry Gambit! It was a love drop....
(Az begins to turn blue from Fio's headlock)
Az: Let..............me...........................go!
Fio: NO! NOT UNTIL YOU SAY PYRO ISN'T GAY!
Az: FINE! HE ISN'T, (mumbles last part) yet.
Fio: One of these days Az, one of these days.............
Bern: Hey Az, don't we have a suprise for Jess?
Jess: Uh oh, I don't like the sound of that...........
Az: Why yes we do. Hey Jeeeees!
Jess: (with much rfear) What?
Az: (points to audience) LOOK!
(Studio audience begins to pull their human faces off. Suddenly, Jess is face to face with about fifty mutant alien space bunnies.)
Jess: (paralyized with fear) ungh................................... (looks at all the bunnies and begins to let out a bloodcurdling scream) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NONONONONONONONONONONONOOOOO! SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Jess runs away from the audience and runs into the desk in Az's Science Corner, accidentally igniting the bunsen burner and the spilled chemicals. The chemicals explode again, knocking Jess back into the desk she shares with Fio)
Bern: Is it? IS IT? (runs over to Jess who's out cold) IT IS! (changes seven on scoreboard to six)
Az: (runs over) Did we really knock her out again?
(Jess's eyes fly open and she grabs Az around the neck. He starts to make wierd noises)
Jess: That. wasn't. funny.
Az: Humghesn (choking sound)
Fio: JESS! LET HIM GO!
(The police burst in again and Jess releases Az)
Fio: What the heck is this? We havent' done anything bad this time?
Police: We recieved a call that there were mutant alien space bunnies in this vicinity.
Jess: (screeching) OVER THERE! (points at audience)
(Police look over to the audience who now look human again)
Jess: (eye twitching) But............. bunnies...............they...................a few seconds ago...................
Police: (looks around) Oh man, not this place again!
Fio: Well sadly, that's all the time we have for the show this week. Join us next time. If the station lets us do another show........
(Cameras fade out as Jess pushed the police towards the audience insisting they were the mutant bunnies)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please leave feedback. I'm running out of ideas *sniff sniff* I want to keep doing these because, they are funny and I get to make fun of stuff, mostly myself and my irrational fear of bunnies. Yes, that is true. I didn't make it up. Plus you guys can tell the real Az to quit making his army of mutant flying bunnies that he's going to send to attack me one night at work.............
(Set 2 weeks after first show. Stage lights go on revealing a new set. There is a tall, long desk with two barstool like chairs behind it. The X-Men Evolution theme song starts to play. Behind the desk there is a large object hanging from the ceiling covered in a sheet. Fio enters from the left, holding a Pyro Plushie, and Jess enters from the right with a Gambit Action Figure in each hand. They take their seats and the stage crew wheels out the Pyro and Gambit mannequins, placing Pyro by Fio and Gambit by Jess)
Fio: Jess! It's so nice to see you out of the hospital!
Jess: Well I must say it's nice to finally be OUT of the hospital. They didn't have a DVD player for me to play my Evo VCD's on!
(Studio audience yells in outrage at the injustice)
Jess: (Startled) When did we get a live audience?
Az: It was my idea! I got them a few days after you knocked yourself out on Bern's camera.
Bern: (laughing) That was so funny! All of a sudden there's Jess running then SMACK! Jess's head runs into the camera! I have to see that again.
(Bern pulls out a remote and a huge movie screen unrolls from the ceiling)
Jess: I don't like this...............
Bern: Look! (she pushes another button on the remote and a clip of Jess jumping out of a cop's arms and runs into the camera)
Fio: Ha! You're right Bern! That IS funny!
(Jess buries face in hands while studio audience howls with laughter)
Jess: (muffled becasue her face is still in her hands) This is so embarassing............
Az: (snickering to Bern) Just wait!
Bern: Heh heh heh.
(Bern and Az laugh evilly)
Fio: (mutters to Jess) I don't like the sound of that!
Jess: (sighing) When do Az and Bern ever NOT give us a hard time?
Fio: True, true....
Jess: Anyways! It's so good to be back! And there were no charges filed by the police just in case anyone was wondering.
Fio: I know! Thank goodness Mr. X only referred to us as crazy psychotic fans.
Az: That's not all they referred to you as....
Jess and Fio: SHUT UP AZ!
Fio: Geez......
Jess: Can we please focus?
Bern: Jess, you have ADD, how do you focus?
Jess: You know what? You say I have ADD but you just don't understand.... (gets distracted by Gambit action figures and looses train of thought) Oh Look! My Gambit action figure is standing on it's own!
Bern: See? You just proved my point!
Jess: (blankly) What point?
Fio: (shaking head) Focus, Jess focus.
Jess: Huh?
Fio: Ohhhkaaaaay........... Today's topic is..............
(Drumroll starts to play)
Jess and Fio: PYRO AND GAMBIT!
Az: Like it's ever any different.
Bern: Tell me about it. But people still watch.
Az: I think it's just because of the insanity. Or Jess getting hurt.......
Jess: HUSH! Just because you are pumped up on Dorkosterone dosn't mean we can't talk about the things we love. And they HAPPEN to be Pyro and Gambit!
Fio: Jess, what the hell are you talking about?
Jess: What?
Az: Hey Jess, the Blonde Liberation League just called. They want their brain back.
Jess: SHUT UP AZ! I DID NOT HAVE A BRAIN TRANSPLANT!
Az: (laughing) Who'd want your brain?
Jess: (glares at Az and says in a loud voice) As usual our hot topics are number one, Pyro isn't gay, and number two, Gambit is not a bunny.
Az: (mumbles) Yes they are.
Fio: SHUT UP AZ! GEEZ!
(Stage crew member runs over to Jess and hands her a piece of paper. Jess reads it and hands it to Fio. She reads it and groans.)
Fio: They can't be serious.
Jess: What the hell is this? Az's Science Corner? Who's been smoking crack in the production lounge again?
Fio: This can only spell disaster......
Jess:(pressing her index and ring fingers into her temples) When are we supposed to let this bit happen?
Az: Right now!
(Az runs to a secret part of the stage. He puts on a white lab coat and steps behind his talbe full of chemicals and a bunsen burner)
Jess: (groaning) This can't be good!
(Jess reaches under the desk she's sharing with Fio and pulls out a bottle of Southern Comfort. She opens the bottle and takes a big swig.)
Fio: Jess! Where on earth did you get that?
Jess: I stole it from my brother Jacob.
(At that remark, Jess's brother Jacob barges onto the set and grabs the bottle out of Jess's hand."
Jess: HEY JERKWAD! GIVE IT BACK!
Jacob: This is mine Spazzy the Hummingbird. (tosses her bottle of Tequila) Take this instead.
Jess: Butthead.
Jacob: Hey Jessica, guess what?
Jess: What?
Jacob: NOTHING!
(Author's Note: My brother does this to me all the time. He thinks it's hysterical. It drives me nuts. Oh well, back to the story)
(Jess throws paperweight at Jacob)
Jess: Go suck on a railroad spike!
(Jacob ducks paperweight and leaves. Jess cracks open Tequila and takes a huge swig right out of the bottle)
Fio: GIMME THAT!
Az: Can we all please pay attention to me?
(Bern focus's her camera on Az)
Az: Ahem.
(Jess takes another swig of Tequila)
Fio: Uh Jess...... can I see that?
(Fio takes Tequila from Jess and hands it off to the stage crew who dumps it into the sink.)
Jess: HEY!
Az: AHEM!
Fio: Ok, ok. Go on Azzy. Don't get your undies in a wad.
Az: (clears throat) Today in Az's Science Corner we'll be proving a impossibility.
Fio: What impossibility?
Az: Wait and see. Ok, first we put on our lab coats. (waves Jess and Fio over to Science Corner)
Jess: (stumbling) Oh, ok.
Fio: (grumbling) This isn't going to be good.....
(Jess and Fio pull on white lab coats)
Az: (Hands them safety goggles) Put these on.
(Everyone puts on safty goggles and Jess and Fio start giggling)
Fio: Warp factor five, ENGAGE!
Jess: I'm Jordy LaForge!
Az: I know it may be hard, but can you two stop being stupid for five minutes? Ok. Now all we do is add all these chemicals together, (dumps all the chemicals into the beaker. He then puts Beaker on top of the bunsen burner)
Fio: Uh, Az?
Jess: Hmmm this kind of feels like deja vu............... that's right! I did this in chemistry once! Then all of a sudden...
(She is interruped by a foul odor and a lot of smoke coming from the beaker)
BOOOOOM!
(the contents of the beaker explode)
Jess: Yep I DEFINATLEY did this in Chemistry class..........
Az: Heh heh heh! Success!
Fio: (choking) What success? Blowing up the bunsen burner?
Jess: (sighs nostagically) I did that too.......
Fio: So what did you prove?
Az: I'm glad you asked that. I , by the process of scientific experimentation, have proved my theory beyond a reasonable doubt...
(Jess and Fio watch Az)
Az: PYRO IS GAY! (pulls out a clearly doctored picture of Pyro kissing Sabertooth)
Fio: (eye twitching) AZ! HE'S NOT GAY!
Bern: Oh come on Fio! Pyro's so deep in the closet he's finding Christmas presents!
Az: That's not all! (pulls bunny out of mess and tosses it at Jess) GAMBIT REALLY IS A MUTANT BUNNY FROM HELL!
Jess: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(She runs away with bunny chasing her, and runs into the desk she shares with Fio. She trips and tries to grab at the large sheet covering the object hanging from the ceiling. She yanks the sheet off and a large scoreboard is revealed.)
Fio: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
Bern: you know when you called us when Jess was still in the hospital? And you told us the doctor said she had nine concussions until she was braindead? (pushes another button on her remote. Instead of home team name, Jess's name shows up with a big nine next to it) Everytime she gets a concussion we'll subract one.
Fio: (slightly appaled) You are counting down the concussions until Jess DIES?
Jess: (still tangled in sheet) Can someone help me?
(Fio helps Jess out of sheet. Jess sees the board and just shakes her head.)
Jess: I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed...........
Fio: (annoyed at Az and Bern) Jess let's get back to our topic, shall we?
Jess: (runs to Gambit mannequin and sighs dreamily) Yes. Lets.
Bern: You guys have a guest.
Fio: Yay! A guest! Bring 'em out!
(Sashi come out and is glomped by Jess and Fio)
Jess: Sashi! Yay!
Sashi: I see you guys like those mannequins I brought you. Wait, (she looks around) Where's the Lance one?
Jess: We threw him in the compactor.
Fio: Yeah, it was much fun watching him get flattened like a pancake.
Sashi: Well I bear gifts for you guys. (She reaches into her bag and pulls out a lighter and a computer screen)
Fio: Uh, Sash? What the hell are those?
Sashi: Well it's a funny story. I kinda sorta 'snuck' into the prop closet of X2. (Picks up lighter) This is the lighter used by movie Pyro.
(Fio screeches with joy and attacks Sashi for the lighter)
Sashi: Yeah. Ok.
Jess: What's the deal with the computer screen?
Sashi: I'm so glad you asked! (turns on monitor and list of names pop up on the screen) Since Gambit wasn't in the movie and only his name was, this is the computer Mystique hacked into. See right there (She points at name halfway down list) There's Gambit's name!
(Jess also screeches and attacks Sashi for computer monitor)
Fio: (cradling lighter like it's a child) Sashi you so rock!
Jess: (sobbing unrestrained tears of joy over monitor) Yeah Sashi, you rock!
Sashi: Well, you guys are especially wierd today. I'm going to head out. I need to, uh, visit a friend. (Sashi leaves)
Az: She means break into an Evo writer's house. I bet that's what she's doing. Hey Jess and Fio, feel like answering studio audience questions?
Fio and Jess: Sure.
(Audience member walks down aisle to microphone)
Audience member 1: On your last show, your friend Val showed up with a Pyro and Gambit lookalikes. Have you heard from them?
Fio: I've tried to contact them. I wanted to suprise Jess while she was in the hospital, but it seems they've taken out a temporary retraining order. I'm not allowed within 100 feet of either of them. Neither is Jess.
Jess: That's so stupid too! We didn't do anything!
Audience member 2: You guys were also shot with elephant tranquilizers. Quite a bit of animal tranquilizers. How did you two fight it off so fast?
Jess and Fio: Tolerance.
Audience member 3: Jess, you are 24 years old. Don't you think it's pretty sad to be obsessed with a fictional comic character?
Jess: NO! He's real! I just have to find him. And how dare you make fun of the love Gambit and I share! It's a pure and selfless, sometimes scary love. Go to hell!
Fio: (laughing) HA!
Jess: This is stupid. I love Gambit. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm going to marry him and we're gonna have four kids and live in New Orleans.
Fio: I'm going to marry Pyro. I'm going to give him all the lighters he needs for the rest of his life...............
(Jess and Fio slip off into daydreams about marrying Pyro and Gambit)
Jess: OH! Fio! You and Pyro could live next door to me and Gambit. And Sashi could live down the street with Colossus!
Fio: YEAH! We could have cookouts in the back yard and all our kids could grow up togehter and we could all become known as the crazy people of New Orleans!
Jess: That would be SOOOOO COOL!
Jess and Fio: Yeaaaah!
Az: SNAP OUT OF IT!
Bern: Really. Do you guys know how stupid you sound?
Jess: (pouting) We don't sound stupid.......
Fio: Everyone has dreams..........
(Jess and Fio start to cry)
Jess and Fio: (wailing) HOW DARE YOU CRUSH OUR DREAMS???
(Jess and Fio hug eachother and cry, accusing of Az and Bern trying to destroy their dreams)
Az: Oh shut up you babies.
(Marvel walks out and hands Jess and Fio fan mail. She also brings out two odd shaped packages and places one in front of Fio and one in front of Jess)
Jess: (still crying) Why do you have to be so creul, Az? (distracted once package is in front of her) Oh! Look! Presents!
Bern: See! See! She has ADD!
Fio: Yay presents!
Marvel: I also brought you out some of the best fan mail from the last show.
Fio: Marvel, grab a chair and sit with us.
Marvel: Why not?
Jess: Yay!
(Jess starts shaking package to hear if it rattles. She accidentally shakes it to hard and it goes flying across the set.)
Jess: Whoops! I'll get it. (She hops off her barstool chair and gets her foot tangled in a light cable) OOOOF! (she falls down and hits her head on the floor)
Bern: ALLRIGHT! (whips out remote again and changes the nine on the concussion scoreboard to a eight)
Jess: (snaps back to reality) I'm up! I'm ok!
Marvel: Jess, I'll go get it. We don't need you killing yourself.
(Jess gets back in chair while Marvel gets the package. She sets it in front of Jess and when Jess reaches for it, Marvel slaps her hands)
Marvel: Leave it alone until I tell you too.
Jess: (grumbling) It's my package. It has my name on it...
Fio: So are we supposed to read these letters outloud?
Marvel: That's the plan.
Fio: (clearing throat) Dear Jess and Fio, Why on earth are you so obsessed with two people that don't exist? They are comic book characters! Get over it! But other than that, your show is really funny, but I don't get why Jess is so afraid of bunnies. Sincerely, Jess and Fio need to re-enter reality.
Marvel: Bunnies? You are afraid of bunnies?
Jess: More importantly, HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I NEED TO COME BACK TO REALITY?!?
Fio: I know! Pyro and Gambit could really exist! We just have to find them......
Marvel: If you manage that, can you get Magneto for me?
Fio: Sure thing Marvel!
Jess: So to the moron that wrote this letter, bite me! I'm fine just the way I am. Bunny phobia and all.
Fio: Do you want to read the next letter or should I, Jess?
Jess: I will. Dear Jess and Fio, You two are insane. I think you need to be heavily medicated and put into straitjackets and then dumped into a padded room for the rest of your lives. The thought of you two ever eventually getting married and having kids is enough to shock any normal, hardworking, decent american. Do us all a favor and get your tubes tied. Sincerely, You two need to die.
Fio: Ok, that pisses me off! Howdaereyoutellmetotiemytubes?How wouldihave childrenwithpyroand liveinneworleansdownthestreetfromjess?
Jess: (at the same time as Fio)Ithinkitisyouwhoneedstodie,moron!I'mperfectlyfinethewayiam, and nomedicationonearthcould make megiveupmy onetruelovegambit!
(Jess and Fio both start screaming at the top of their lungs, their sentences running into long huge ones. Eventually, all you can hear are certian words like, Gambit, Pyro, Husband, Kids.)
Bern: Just great, now they are both motormouths. Who picked that letter? They must have known it would piss them off.
Az: Hee hee hee.
Bern: Well done Azzy my cohort in crime! (Bern whips out her trusy tranquilizer gun and shoots Fio and Jess in the neck AGAIN with elephant tranquilizers. They both fall to the floor)
Marvel: Oops! Jess hit her head again!
(Bern uses her remote to make the eight on the scoreboard a seven)
Az: If she keeps this up, she'll be dying today!
Bern: Then I'd win the bet!
(Jess and Fio pick themselves off the floor)
Bern: HOW THE HELL? I upped the dosage again!
(Fio pulls REAL tranquilzer gun from under desk)
Jess: We switched the guns. Ha ha!
Fio: Now it's time you guys got a little taste of what it's like to be doped up on elephant tranquilizers. ( She shoots at Az, but he ducks and she accidentaly hits an audience member in the forehead, right between the eyes) Ooops! Heh heh heh!
Marvel: Why don't you guys open your packages now?
Jess: PRESENTS!!!
Fio: Yay!!
Marvel: Fio first.
(Fio tears off the brown paper packaging and pulls open the cardboard box, revealing a bunch of comic book pages)
Fio: Uh, these are just pages............(looks at pages for a moment and gets red in the face with righteous fury) WHO SENT THIS?
Jess: What's wrong with them?
Fio: (shaking fist in anger) SOME JACKASS SENT ME A BOX OF COMIC PAGES TRYING TO PROVE PYRO IS GAY!
Az: Yes! I need to meet this guy!
Fio: AZZY! (whips out spork of d00m and chases Az with it)
Az: NO! NOT THE SPORK OF d00m! (runs away screaming)
Jess: Is it my turn NOW?
Marvel: Knock yourself out.
(Jess gives Marvel a wierd look)
Marvel: WAIT! NOT REALLY!
Jess: Whatever. (rips package apart and finds a jack in the box like the one Jean had in Mindbender) What the f...
Fio: Jess! Watch your mouth!
(Jess begins to turn the crank on the jack in the box, right when the tune gets to 'Pop goes the Weasel' a huge ugly Mesmero face pops out with a pair of bunny ears glued to his head)
Jess: (chucking jack in the box across the stage) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Az: That's not all! (releases cargo net above her filled with bunnies)
Jess: (jumps on top of the desk) Get................them......................awaaaaaaaaaaaay!
(Stage crew uses stun guns to stun the bunnies and take them away in wheelbarrows)
Jess: (eye twitching) I hate you Az..........
Az: No you don't.
Bern: Heh heh heh.
(Sashi comes running back on stage to find Fio talking to her Pyro plushie and Jess hugging the computer monitor with Gambit's name on it)
Sashi: FIO! THERE'S A PHONE CALL FOR YOU!
Fio: So? We get calls all the time.
Sashi: IT'S PYRO!
Fio: PYRO?!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (She and Jess begin to jump up and down with excitement)
Sashi: Ready? (She puts the phone call on the speaker system)
Pyro: (In an obviously made phone call taken from snippets of his lines on Evo) Hey mates, this is for my number one Sheila, Fio. (Fio's jaw drops) I just wanted to call and clear the air (Fio's draw drops more) So I would like to take this moment to say that I love (Fio's jaw drops to the floor) Men.
(Fio screeches and again attacks Az. She puts him in headlock while Sashi laughs and points at the two of them.)
Sashi: Oh my god, Fio, you should have seen your face.
Jess: Whoops! I accidentally knocked down one of my Gambit action figures............ I'm soooo sorry Gambit! It was a love drop....
(Az begins to turn blue from Fio's headlock)
Az: Let..............me...........................go!
Fio: NO! NOT UNTIL YOU SAY PYRO ISN'T GAY!
Az: FINE! HE ISN'T, (mumbles last part) yet.
Fio: One of these days Az, one of these days.............
Bern: Hey Az, don't we have a suprise for Jess?
Jess: Uh oh, I don't like the sound of that...........
Az: Why yes we do. Hey Jeeeees!
Jess: (with much rfear) What?
Az: (points to audience) LOOK!
(Studio audience begins to pull their human faces off. Suddenly, Jess is face to face with about fifty mutant alien space bunnies.)
Jess: (paralyized with fear) ungh................................... (looks at all the bunnies and begins to let out a bloodcurdling scream) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NONONONONONONONONONONONOOOOO! SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Jess runs away from the audience and runs into the desk in Az's Science Corner, accidentally igniting the bunsen burner and the spilled chemicals. The chemicals explode again, knocking Jess back into the desk she shares with Fio)
Bern: Is it? IS IT? (runs over to Jess who's out cold) IT IS! (changes seven on scoreboard to six)
Az: (runs over) Did we really knock her out again?
(Jess's eyes fly open and she grabs Az around the neck. He starts to make wierd noises)
Jess: That. wasn't. funny.
Az: Humghesn (choking sound)
Fio: JESS! LET HIM GO!
(The police burst in again and Jess releases Az)
Fio: What the heck is this? We havent' done anything bad this time?
Police: We recieved a call that there were mutant alien space bunnies in this vicinity.
Jess: (screeching) OVER THERE! (points at audience)
(Police look over to the audience who now look human again)
Jess: (eye twitching) But............. bunnies...............they...................a few seconds ago...................
Police: (looks around) Oh man, not this place again!
Fio: Well sadly, that's all the time we have for the show this week. Join us next time. If the station lets us do another show........
(Cameras fade out as Jess pushed the police towards the audience insisting they were the mutant bunnies)
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Please leave feedback. I'm running out of ideas *sniff sniff* I want to keep doing these because, they are funny and I get to make fun of stuff, mostly myself and my irrational fear of bunnies. Yes, that is true. I didn't make it up. Plus you guys can tell the real Az to quit making his army of mutant flying bunnies that he's going to send to attack me one night at work.............