Disclaimer. I don't own these characters. That honour goes to Grant Naylor productions and the BBC. I have not made a profit out of this. This story has elements of slash in it. . I would also put strong parents advisory on due to content, which would make it a 15/ pg 13 UK and USA rating respectively. (Um I hope that's right, can someone please correct me I am wrong?)

This is roughly based on events from Polymorph but has references to other episodes to. This is a full show spoiler warning, if you have not seen them all then you might have episodes spoilt for you. You have been warned, on the flip side you can read this story without having seen them all and understand it. As long as you have a rough knowledge of what the show is about you should be alright.

(whoa what a carry on but need to cover my back. I am going to stop waffling now and just get on with the actual story.)

My hearts desire.

(A red Dwarf Fan fiction)

By Angela Dunn.

It hurts. It really hurts to see him every day and not be able to tell him how I feel. I dunno maybe I have been away from earth to long. Away from women. Away from Krissy. Maybe that was all a stupid dream, Fiji, the farm, her and Frankenstein. Hell Frankenstein has evolved into a sophisticate and really cool cat. I didn't even know if she was out there. I imagined she was, even though I sent her ashes out into space. Everyone's ashes into space.

Then we picked up Kryton. Floating around a million years away from home. Hell if you want to be precise 3 billion. Picked him up of the nova five. My God it's stupid. His a, god, a Robot! I fixed him; he was in a million pieces. Its perverted man! And yet I fell for him, hard. One day we where buddies and then, I dunno how it happened but it did.

I lied. I do know. I know the exact moment when I saw him as more than a friend.

It was when we where chasing the polymorph.  My special meal, me own recipe for the perfect dish tried to attack me. I was putting on my pants to go chasing after it like the hair brained idiot I am when they started shrinking. They where getting tighter and tighter as they shrank. Well what would you do? Me I went the most logical route. I panicked and there was only kryton there to help me get them off. Come to think of it, he would be the only one willing to help me get them off. That's beside the point, it was when he was using one of his groinal attachments it, ya know remove them that's when I feel for him. Despite what was happening it actually felt kind of nice. Better than anything me and lise did. Then Rimmer came in and spoilt it, maybe it was better that was, lord knows what would have happened if he didn't.

Doesn't stop me imaging though, a million scenarios of that moment have been playing through me head since. I never said anything. I carried on like nothing happened. I wish something did happen but it never. I wish something could happen would happen desperately. Is it really wrong of me, I mean is it one more stage further than a blow up doll? Who am I trying to kid? I really have romantic feelings for the guy. I see him as that, Kat does, and even Rimmer does to a point. He has emotions and feelings to. I helped him out with that to.

Still as if things where not complicated enough the person I did think of as my true love suddenly came crashing back into my life. She was only after one thing though. Her biological clock was ticking and she wanted babies. With my sperm and I would bring it up. Only I wouldn't it would be a hologram of me from her part in space.  That was rough man. I already have two kids I will never see again, after another look through the looking glass. They live with there "dad" now. All I reamed of was having twins, Bexley and Baxter, me and krissy would raise them in Fiji. 

EVEN THAT GOT COCKED UP AND NOW SHE IS ON THE SHIP WITH US! 

SMEG!

Why do I have to fail in everything I do to try and do something right? Try and improve myself and it all goes wrong in spectacular fashion. Rimmer complains he never got the breaks; he had parents and a good education. Maybe his life was not perfect but it was better than mine, yet I have to get on with it cos nobody else will.

I still have feelings for her to. She isn't the Krissy that I knew and loved, she had the same memories and experiences of red dwarf up to a point. She went into stasis though like I did. She wouldn't dob her Lister in it or Frankenstein either.  She doesn't want to make babies with me, I am not her Lister. I don't think that would really work either. I went through the notions of chasing her, trying to get her into bed with me. If I had been successful though then it would be Kryton I would be thinking about.

Nobody knows. Nobody suspects. Its better that way, it doesn't make it any easier.

I am trapped in a ship with them both. No escape. No realise. Maybe one day I will crack. I guess you might even call it inevitable. I ain't looking forward to that day but maybe it will be better. Nah it wont, it will be worse. It will be awkward and even more unpleasant than it is now.

So for now I will continue going through the motions. Carry on putting on the show of being Dave the beer swilling slob. What else can I do?

And if I ever make it home to earth, I will leave them both behind. That will be painful but hey I guess there's nothing else I could do. It cant be worse in the situation I am stuck with now. I will go on, maybe find someone else to love if I make it back to earth. But I ain't getting any younger and there will be still two little boys out there I will never get to see. That hurts to. My life had nothing going and I am not going to make a worthwhile contribution now.  If they do some good in the world then that would be something. I have no way of knowing though, no way of finding out. That hurts to. My life is full of that, my past was, my present is and life isn't looking any rosier for the moment.

So I just keep what I feel hidden and go play games on the games machine.

Always playing games, that's me Good Old Dave Lister. Resident Idiot.

That's who I am, That's who I always will be. Nobody knows and nobody will see me as anything different.

But what can I do? I just have to carry on regardless. So that's what I am doing.