Part 5.
She was up early the next morning. Since her nightmare she had slept brokenly through the rest of the night.
By the time everyone else got up she'd done her morning workout, had a shower and brewed an enormous pot of coffee.
Buffy sat on the kitchen bench sipping her coffee. The hot liquid scalded her lips and tongue, but inside she still felt cold.
As she drank, Dawn walked quietly into the kitchen and wrapped her arms around her older sister.
"It's gonna be hard for you to watch Angel take him home isn't it?" she asked quietly.
Buffy nodded. "I can't believe I'm going to lose him." she paused, trying to snap herself out of her mood. "You need some breakfast. You can't go to school on an empty stomach." Buffy slid off the bench and pulled the toaster out of the cupboard.
They didn't say anything else to each other. Both were too lost in their own thoughts.
As Buffy spread raspberry jam on the toast and placed it on a napkin, Angel walked into the kitchen.
"Good morning. I didn't think anyone was up." he said to the sisters.
A car horn blared outside.
"That's Xander." Buffy nudged Dawn, handing her the toast as Dawn picked up her school bag.
"Don't leave before I get back from school." Dawn called as she ran out the door, "I want to say goodbye."
Buffy smiled and waved to Xander as Dawn got into the front seat of Xander's car.
*********
Once Dawn and Xander had driven off there was silence in the kitchen.
"Does he pick her up often?" Angel asked, taking a stab at making conversation.
Buffy nodded, "Most mornings. He drops her off on the way to the building site, and she loves her friends asking her about the hot guy who takes her to school."
Angel chuckled. "How have you been?" he asked, more seriously.
"I'm alive." was all she said.
He waited for her to continue, but she didn't. "You didn't answer my question." he prodded her gently.
"You don't wanna know." she bit out.
"Try me?" he challenged her, he knew that there was something she wasn't telling him.
"Most days, I don't even want to get out of bed. I only do it for them." she began bitterly. "I was happy, and at peace with the world. I was complete, finished. They think they did me some huge favor, but the truth is, I don't want to be here. I want to be dead again. I want to be complete again." tears trickled down her cheeks.
He reached out to comfort her, but she pulled away. "I have to go."
She bolted out of the kitchen door, slamming it behind her.
He just stared after her. **********
As he stared at the door Willow, Tara, Fred and Cordy entered the kitchen.
"Where's Dawn and Buffy?" Willow asked. "Do you know if Dawn got off to school?"
"Ah, yeah. Xander picked her up. Buffy said she had to go." he answered.
"Go where?" Tara asked.
"She didn't say." Angel answered her. He turned to make himself some tea, not wanting them to see how worried he was. Cordelia placed a cup next to his, so he took the hint and poured her some coffee, adding several spoons of sugar to the hot, brown liquid.
"How did Conner sleep?" she asked him as he handed her the coffee.
"He slept well. Got up at about three. I gave him a bottle and he went straight back to sleep." he answered.
Cordelia beamed. "That's our boy."
Angel leaned against the bench, looking at Willow and Tara. "How has Buffy been sleeping?"
Willow and Tara exchanged looks. "I guess she's been sleeping fine. She hasn't said anything about not sleeping well." Willow answered.
"She did wake up screaming a few times..." Tara added, "But not for ages."
"Last night she woke up screaming. It was like she was trying to fight something, or hit out at something. When she woke up she wouldn't tell me what it was about." Angel mused. "She's different, you know. There's something bothering her."
Willow looked blankly at him. "I hadn't noticed." she paused, thinking. "You're right. What do you think it is?" she asked him.
"No idea." he answered.
"Maybe she's just feeling lonely." Tara said, making herbal tea for her and Willow.
Giles opened the kitchen door. "She's lost again."
"What?" Cordelia looked at him, confused.
"That's what is bothering Buffy. I heard you talking as I walked up the path. Now that Conner will be going home, she feels like she's lost again." He explained.
"She said she wanted to feel complete again." Angel chipped in. The others turned to look at him. "I asked her how she was. That's what she told me."
With his super-sensitive hearing he heard Conner begin to stir upstairs. "I'm going to go and get Conner. Would someone try to wake Gunn up, please?"
"We're not going are we?" Cordy asked him.
He shook his head. "No, I promised Dawn we'd wait until she got back from school, but we all do need a vacation. And I still own the mansion so..."
Cordelia bounded over and hugged him. "You are the best boss ever!"
"Conner, remember?" he said, prying himself from her grasp.
"You'll need to call Lorne and Kate too. Otherwise they'll keep looking for Conner." she called after him.
Gunn grunted from the sofa bed. "Always the secretary."
"Partner." she corrected. "Now come and get some coffee into you."
***********
They were all standing around the kitchen talking when Buffy opened the door.
"Hey Buffy." Willow greeted her.
"Hey." she replied, feeling a little on edge.
"Where'd you rush off to this morning?" Tara asked.
"Nowhere in particular." That was a lie. She turned and made herself some tea.
"You look a little tired Buffy. Did you sleep well?" Giles asked, concerned. He'd missed the discussion about Buffy's dreams.
"Is this twenty questions?" she asked, a little irritated.
Giles shook his head. "Maybe you'd like to take tonight off patrolling." he said to her.
She shrugged, "Doesn't make a difference to me. It's not like I'll end up dead again." She walked out of the room, leaving everyone speechless.
Gunn took a sip of his coffee. "I'm gonna go out on a limb and say she's not a happy girl."
Willow looked a little hurt, but she said nothing.
"Should someone go and talk to her?" Fred asked.
Angel shook his head. "She's too angry. We'll give her some time."
"She's already had weeks." Willow burst out. "What else does she expect from us?"
"Did anyone talk to her after she was resurrected?" Angel asked.
Willow nodded. "She didn't want to talk back."
"She's in pain. It can't be easy for her to just come back like she has."
"But vampires do it all the time."
"Willow, no vampire would wait three months before rising. She feels like she doesn't have a purpose anymore." he explained.
"How do you know all of this?" Tara asked him
"I asked her." he said quietly. Gently he transferred Conner into Fred's waiting arms. "I'll see if she'll talk to me."
She was up early the next morning. Since her nightmare she had slept brokenly through the rest of the night.
By the time everyone else got up she'd done her morning workout, had a shower and brewed an enormous pot of coffee.
Buffy sat on the kitchen bench sipping her coffee. The hot liquid scalded her lips and tongue, but inside she still felt cold.
As she drank, Dawn walked quietly into the kitchen and wrapped her arms around her older sister.
"It's gonna be hard for you to watch Angel take him home isn't it?" she asked quietly.
Buffy nodded. "I can't believe I'm going to lose him." she paused, trying to snap herself out of her mood. "You need some breakfast. You can't go to school on an empty stomach." Buffy slid off the bench and pulled the toaster out of the cupboard.
They didn't say anything else to each other. Both were too lost in their own thoughts.
As Buffy spread raspberry jam on the toast and placed it on a napkin, Angel walked into the kitchen.
"Good morning. I didn't think anyone was up." he said to the sisters.
A car horn blared outside.
"That's Xander." Buffy nudged Dawn, handing her the toast as Dawn picked up her school bag.
"Don't leave before I get back from school." Dawn called as she ran out the door, "I want to say goodbye."
Buffy smiled and waved to Xander as Dawn got into the front seat of Xander's car.
*********
Once Dawn and Xander had driven off there was silence in the kitchen.
"Does he pick her up often?" Angel asked, taking a stab at making conversation.
Buffy nodded, "Most mornings. He drops her off on the way to the building site, and she loves her friends asking her about the hot guy who takes her to school."
Angel chuckled. "How have you been?" he asked, more seriously.
"I'm alive." was all she said.
He waited for her to continue, but she didn't. "You didn't answer my question." he prodded her gently.
"You don't wanna know." she bit out.
"Try me?" he challenged her, he knew that there was something she wasn't telling him.
"Most days, I don't even want to get out of bed. I only do it for them." she began bitterly. "I was happy, and at peace with the world. I was complete, finished. They think they did me some huge favor, but the truth is, I don't want to be here. I want to be dead again. I want to be complete again." tears trickled down her cheeks.
He reached out to comfort her, but she pulled away. "I have to go."
She bolted out of the kitchen door, slamming it behind her.
He just stared after her. **********
As he stared at the door Willow, Tara, Fred and Cordy entered the kitchen.
"Where's Dawn and Buffy?" Willow asked. "Do you know if Dawn got off to school?"
"Ah, yeah. Xander picked her up. Buffy said she had to go." he answered.
"Go where?" Tara asked.
"She didn't say." Angel answered her. He turned to make himself some tea, not wanting them to see how worried he was. Cordelia placed a cup next to his, so he took the hint and poured her some coffee, adding several spoons of sugar to the hot, brown liquid.
"How did Conner sleep?" she asked him as he handed her the coffee.
"He slept well. Got up at about three. I gave him a bottle and he went straight back to sleep." he answered.
Cordelia beamed. "That's our boy."
Angel leaned against the bench, looking at Willow and Tara. "How has Buffy been sleeping?"
Willow and Tara exchanged looks. "I guess she's been sleeping fine. She hasn't said anything about not sleeping well." Willow answered.
"She did wake up screaming a few times..." Tara added, "But not for ages."
"Last night she woke up screaming. It was like she was trying to fight something, or hit out at something. When she woke up she wouldn't tell me what it was about." Angel mused. "She's different, you know. There's something bothering her."
Willow looked blankly at him. "I hadn't noticed." she paused, thinking. "You're right. What do you think it is?" she asked him.
"No idea." he answered.
"Maybe she's just feeling lonely." Tara said, making herbal tea for her and Willow.
Giles opened the kitchen door. "She's lost again."
"What?" Cordelia looked at him, confused.
"That's what is bothering Buffy. I heard you talking as I walked up the path. Now that Conner will be going home, she feels like she's lost again." He explained.
"She said she wanted to feel complete again." Angel chipped in. The others turned to look at him. "I asked her how she was. That's what she told me."
With his super-sensitive hearing he heard Conner begin to stir upstairs. "I'm going to go and get Conner. Would someone try to wake Gunn up, please?"
"We're not going are we?" Cordy asked him.
He shook his head. "No, I promised Dawn we'd wait until she got back from school, but we all do need a vacation. And I still own the mansion so..."
Cordelia bounded over and hugged him. "You are the best boss ever!"
"Conner, remember?" he said, prying himself from her grasp.
"You'll need to call Lorne and Kate too. Otherwise they'll keep looking for Conner." she called after him.
Gunn grunted from the sofa bed. "Always the secretary."
"Partner." she corrected. "Now come and get some coffee into you."
***********
They were all standing around the kitchen talking when Buffy opened the door.
"Hey Buffy." Willow greeted her.
"Hey." she replied, feeling a little on edge.
"Where'd you rush off to this morning?" Tara asked.
"Nowhere in particular." That was a lie. She turned and made herself some tea.
"You look a little tired Buffy. Did you sleep well?" Giles asked, concerned. He'd missed the discussion about Buffy's dreams.
"Is this twenty questions?" she asked, a little irritated.
Giles shook his head. "Maybe you'd like to take tonight off patrolling." he said to her.
She shrugged, "Doesn't make a difference to me. It's not like I'll end up dead again." She walked out of the room, leaving everyone speechless.
Gunn took a sip of his coffee. "I'm gonna go out on a limb and say she's not a happy girl."
Willow looked a little hurt, but she said nothing.
"Should someone go and talk to her?" Fred asked.
Angel shook his head. "She's too angry. We'll give her some time."
"She's already had weeks." Willow burst out. "What else does she expect from us?"
"Did anyone talk to her after she was resurrected?" Angel asked.
Willow nodded. "She didn't want to talk back."
"She's in pain. It can't be easy for her to just come back like she has."
"But vampires do it all the time."
"Willow, no vampire would wait three months before rising. She feels like she doesn't have a purpose anymore." he explained.
"How do you know all of this?" Tara asked him
"I asked her." he said quietly. Gently he transferred Conner into Fred's waiting arms. "I'll see if she'll talk to me."