Part 6.
It was quiet in her bedroom. She sat on the windowsill, just looking out.
She was all messed up inside. She didn't want to be, but she couldn't help it.
Slowly Angel opened her bedroom door. Buffy knew it was him. She always knew when it was him.
He sat down on her bed, waiting.
"I don't want to feel this way, you know. But I can't help it. It's like this is a bad dream I can't wake up from, and sometimes, when it starts to get better, it ends up being worse." Tears trickled freely down her cheeks, she made no move to wipe them away. "When I found Conner I had something I could do. Willow, Giles, Xander, they didn't have a clue about how to take care of him. I did, and I could do it well. I made him happy. And I let myself fall for him. Dumb, huh? I'm nineteen years old and I've fallen for a baby." She shook her head.
He wrapped his arms around her. "You don't have to be brave and strong all of the time. You don't have to hide your pain from me. I love you." He kissed the top of her head and let her cry.
After a long time her sobs quieted, but she stayed against his chest. She felt too safe to move.
"You must think I'm the biggest crybaby." she said to him, her voice strained.
"No." he answered her. "I think you've had that coming for a long time."
She played her fingers down his chest. "Thank you. For coming back." She reached up and kissed him.
He gave no protest, just kissed her back.
When the kiss ended she sighed and curled up against his chest. He just held her.
"Angel?" she said quietly, "Where does this leave us?"
"Where do you want it to leave us?" he said to her, not answering her question.
"I don't want you to go away so I don't see you. I want you to be part of my life again. I need you here."
He kissed her again, "Then I guess I'll be coming Sunnydale more often."
"You'd do that?" she asked, sounding a little surprised.
"We'll make it work this time." he promised, stroking her hair.
"Where's Conner?" she asked, lazily tracing circles on his chest.
"Downstairs. I left him with Fred and Cordy." he answered. "Did I tell you we're going to stay in Sunnydale for a while?"
She looked up at him. "No."
"Vacation. We've all been working round the clock to find Conner. The others did more work than I did." he confessed. "I spent most of my time looking at his crib and worrying."
Buffy laid her hand on his cheek. "Mom used to say that the hardest part of her day was worrying whether or not I'd come home from patrol in one piece. I guess she was right." she paused, deep in thought. "We'd better go downstairs. Willow probably hates me."
"Willow doesn't hate you. She just doesn't understand how you're feeling." he said gently.
"Then why didn't she ask me?" Buffy asked him.
"Why don't you ask her?" he replied.
She gave him a gentle shove. "I'd rather stay here with you."
He got up and pulled Buffy to her feet. "Well, I'm going downstairs. You can come if you'd like."
She followed him out the door, shaking her head at him. "Angel we don't have to tell everyone about us yet, do we?"
He shook his head. "We'll let them know, when we're ready to tell, and they're ready to know."
She hugged him, "I'll be down in a moment. I'm just gonna see if I can make myself look like I haven't been crying my eyes out."
He nodded and walked down the stairs.
***********
"What happened?" Cordy asked Angel as soon as he walked into the lounge.
"She's a bit better. She'll be down in a minute." he answered.
"You neglected to answer the question." Giles prompted.
"We talked." he shrugged his shoulders. As he heard Buffy's footsteps on the stairs he turned towards the door.
Buffy said nothing when she walked into the room. She just sat down.
Willow looked at her. "What no little stabs?"
"I'm not going to fight with you." Buffy answered her. She paused before continuing, "Don't sit there and look at me like I'm out of my mind."
Everyone stared at her, but Angel could see from the look on her face that she didn't care.
Tara laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry. I never knew you were in so much pain."
Buffy looked up at her, tears sparkling in her eyes. She willed herself not to cry again. "You never asked."
Anya walked in through the front door in time to hear the end of the conversation. "I knew. Your pain penetrated dimensional walls. I've had demons asking me about you for months." As usual Anya was her tactless self, but after she finished speaking, she surprised everyone by moving over to Buffy and giving her a hug. "Maybe I shouldn't have told them all that they shouldn't grant you your wish."
Somehow, Buffy found it inside herself to smile. "After Halfrek and my party, I think that was a good idea."
Giles stared at them both in surprise. "Halfrek was here, in Sunnydale?"
Anya nodded. "More like here, in this house though."
Giles flung his hands up towards the ceiling, in frustration Buffy thought.
The silence in the room became thick with tension. Buffy felt as though it was smoke, strangling her, preventing her from breathing.
"Why don't I make some tea?" Tara asked everyone, just blurting it out. Buffy was grateful, the silence was gone now.
She jumped up to help, anything to get out of that room.
***********
A few minutes later Buffy and Tara returned, each carrying trays laden with cups, a large tea pot, a jug of coffee, milk and sugar.
Buffy said nothing as she began to pour tea and coffee into cups for everyone. Even as she began to add milk and sugar she said nothing.
Angel laid one of his hands over hers as she handed him a cup of tea. The gesture quite plainly said 'relax'. She smiled as she leaned back against the sofa and sipped her tea.
"Where's Conner?" Angel asked Fred and Cordy.
"Sleeping. We put him on the floor on a pile of blankets." Fred motioned to where he lay, sound asleep. Buffy smiled. He was so peaceful.
"Did you tell Buffy we've staying in Sunnydale for a vacation?" Cordy asked him.
Angel nodded. "We'll head over to the mansion later."
"You can take the crib for Conner." Buffy said to him.
"Don't you want to keep it?" Angel asked her, "It looks brand new."
"It's not like we'll have any use for it around here." she answered him, a touch of sadness creeping into her voice.
Giles looked at her. "There's no written rule that Slayers can't have children, Buffy." his voice was gentle.
She just shrugged. "I don't want to talk about it." her voice was firm. She turned to Angel. "You can use the jeep to take it over to the mansion. Otherwise we'll have to dismantle it." she paused. "There's plenty of other stuff in the attic if you need any thing else."
Angel nodded. "Thank you."
She smiled sleepily at him. "I'll take you up there later." She laid back into the sofa and looked at everyone through tired eyes. Within moments she was asleep.
After a few moments Angel stood up and scooped her carefully into his arms.
In just a few short minutes he carried her upstairs and laid her on her bed.
It was quiet in her bedroom. She sat on the windowsill, just looking out.
She was all messed up inside. She didn't want to be, but she couldn't help it.
Slowly Angel opened her bedroom door. Buffy knew it was him. She always knew when it was him.
He sat down on her bed, waiting.
"I don't want to feel this way, you know. But I can't help it. It's like this is a bad dream I can't wake up from, and sometimes, when it starts to get better, it ends up being worse." Tears trickled freely down her cheeks, she made no move to wipe them away. "When I found Conner I had something I could do. Willow, Giles, Xander, they didn't have a clue about how to take care of him. I did, and I could do it well. I made him happy. And I let myself fall for him. Dumb, huh? I'm nineteen years old and I've fallen for a baby." She shook her head.
He wrapped his arms around her. "You don't have to be brave and strong all of the time. You don't have to hide your pain from me. I love you." He kissed the top of her head and let her cry.
After a long time her sobs quieted, but she stayed against his chest. She felt too safe to move.
"You must think I'm the biggest crybaby." she said to him, her voice strained.
"No." he answered her. "I think you've had that coming for a long time."
She played her fingers down his chest. "Thank you. For coming back." She reached up and kissed him.
He gave no protest, just kissed her back.
When the kiss ended she sighed and curled up against his chest. He just held her.
"Angel?" she said quietly, "Where does this leave us?"
"Where do you want it to leave us?" he said to her, not answering her question.
"I don't want you to go away so I don't see you. I want you to be part of my life again. I need you here."
He kissed her again, "Then I guess I'll be coming Sunnydale more often."
"You'd do that?" she asked, sounding a little surprised.
"We'll make it work this time." he promised, stroking her hair.
"Where's Conner?" she asked, lazily tracing circles on his chest.
"Downstairs. I left him with Fred and Cordy." he answered. "Did I tell you we're going to stay in Sunnydale for a while?"
She looked up at him. "No."
"Vacation. We've all been working round the clock to find Conner. The others did more work than I did." he confessed. "I spent most of my time looking at his crib and worrying."
Buffy laid her hand on his cheek. "Mom used to say that the hardest part of her day was worrying whether or not I'd come home from patrol in one piece. I guess she was right." she paused, deep in thought. "We'd better go downstairs. Willow probably hates me."
"Willow doesn't hate you. She just doesn't understand how you're feeling." he said gently.
"Then why didn't she ask me?" Buffy asked him.
"Why don't you ask her?" he replied.
She gave him a gentle shove. "I'd rather stay here with you."
He got up and pulled Buffy to her feet. "Well, I'm going downstairs. You can come if you'd like."
She followed him out the door, shaking her head at him. "Angel we don't have to tell everyone about us yet, do we?"
He shook his head. "We'll let them know, when we're ready to tell, and they're ready to know."
She hugged him, "I'll be down in a moment. I'm just gonna see if I can make myself look like I haven't been crying my eyes out."
He nodded and walked down the stairs.
***********
"What happened?" Cordy asked Angel as soon as he walked into the lounge.
"She's a bit better. She'll be down in a minute." he answered.
"You neglected to answer the question." Giles prompted.
"We talked." he shrugged his shoulders. As he heard Buffy's footsteps on the stairs he turned towards the door.
Buffy said nothing when she walked into the room. She just sat down.
Willow looked at her. "What no little stabs?"
"I'm not going to fight with you." Buffy answered her. She paused before continuing, "Don't sit there and look at me like I'm out of my mind."
Everyone stared at her, but Angel could see from the look on her face that she didn't care.
Tara laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry. I never knew you were in so much pain."
Buffy looked up at her, tears sparkling in her eyes. She willed herself not to cry again. "You never asked."
Anya walked in through the front door in time to hear the end of the conversation. "I knew. Your pain penetrated dimensional walls. I've had demons asking me about you for months." As usual Anya was her tactless self, but after she finished speaking, she surprised everyone by moving over to Buffy and giving her a hug. "Maybe I shouldn't have told them all that they shouldn't grant you your wish."
Somehow, Buffy found it inside herself to smile. "After Halfrek and my party, I think that was a good idea."
Giles stared at them both in surprise. "Halfrek was here, in Sunnydale?"
Anya nodded. "More like here, in this house though."
Giles flung his hands up towards the ceiling, in frustration Buffy thought.
The silence in the room became thick with tension. Buffy felt as though it was smoke, strangling her, preventing her from breathing.
"Why don't I make some tea?" Tara asked everyone, just blurting it out. Buffy was grateful, the silence was gone now.
She jumped up to help, anything to get out of that room.
***********
A few minutes later Buffy and Tara returned, each carrying trays laden with cups, a large tea pot, a jug of coffee, milk and sugar.
Buffy said nothing as she began to pour tea and coffee into cups for everyone. Even as she began to add milk and sugar she said nothing.
Angel laid one of his hands over hers as she handed him a cup of tea. The gesture quite plainly said 'relax'. She smiled as she leaned back against the sofa and sipped her tea.
"Where's Conner?" Angel asked Fred and Cordy.
"Sleeping. We put him on the floor on a pile of blankets." Fred motioned to where he lay, sound asleep. Buffy smiled. He was so peaceful.
"Did you tell Buffy we've staying in Sunnydale for a vacation?" Cordy asked him.
Angel nodded. "We'll head over to the mansion later."
"You can take the crib for Conner." Buffy said to him.
"Don't you want to keep it?" Angel asked her, "It looks brand new."
"It's not like we'll have any use for it around here." she answered him, a touch of sadness creeping into her voice.
Giles looked at her. "There's no written rule that Slayers can't have children, Buffy." his voice was gentle.
She just shrugged. "I don't want to talk about it." her voice was firm. She turned to Angel. "You can use the jeep to take it over to the mansion. Otherwise we'll have to dismantle it." she paused. "There's plenty of other stuff in the attic if you need any thing else."
Angel nodded. "Thank you."
She smiled sleepily at him. "I'll take you up there later." She laid back into the sofa and looked at everyone through tired eyes. Within moments she was asleep.
After a few moments Angel stood up and scooped her carefully into his arms.
In just a few short minutes he carried her upstairs and laid her on her bed.