Merry Christmas Dominaria
Jose Philipe Mendola
Legal Notice: I don't own any of the characters in this Fic. They are copyrighted materials of Wizards of the Coast. The only money I have seen from this was the electricity bill that came about because of the typing this required and the lighting writing it required at night. So, in all honesty, I should be suing THEM for creating such playable characters. All in all, don't sue me.
Authors Note: I know that some of these people are dead, but where would the fun be without them? Don't bother pointing out the living dead, I know.
Set Up: The following takes place all over the Magic Realm. From Phyrexia to a tree in the Yavamian Forest, everyone celebrates X-Mas. Commodore Guff to Lord Of The Pit, Weatherlight's crew to Nemetta, bask in the season that is Christmas.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~ A light snow is falling on a small house. The building is painted white and has a blue tile roof. Mountains surround the dwelling, and the ocean is seen in the background. The door to the house opens a bit and a hand sticks out ~
'What the crap?'
'What's wrong Urza?' Barrin questions.
'White colored frozen water has been falling for the past 48 hours. It's starting to pile up. I bet this will be bad for the artifacts.'
Barrin opens the door wider and steps next to Urza.
'Well,' Barrin began 'it IS that time of the season again.'
'Christmas?' Urza questioned.
'Oh yes indeed.' Barrin answered. ' It's my favorite time of the year.'
'Bah humbug.' Urza grumbled.
Barrin shook his head. It was always the same with Urza. He was never happy unless an artifact was destroying something. Urza HATED Christmas.
'If it were up to ME,' Urza began 'I'd get rid of the snow.'
Barrin turned form the door to look at Urza.
'Come on. One person can't hate Christmas that much.'
Urza smiled and pointed behind Barrin. Turning back to look outside, Urza had once again proven his power.
Where once gray clouds sifting snow were, was not a hole in the said clouds letting in sun and warmth. The snow that had begun to pile up was no more, melted in the 90-degree weather. Barrin sighed.
'It's as big as the island, and it's going to be there all season. You want snow, go to Keld.' Urza said, walking back to his desk.
'Are you going to be like this all Christmas?' Barrin asked, stepping out into the sunlight.
'Yes.'
'Well, I might as well go out and get a tree anyway. Want to come with me?' Barrin said, walking back in the house.
Urza was staring in a corner of the room. Barrin scrutinized Urza for a second and averted his attention toward the corner. There was, newly materialized, a Christmas Tree, already decorated and lit up with lights.
'I hate you.' Barrin said 'You could suck the fun out of a clown. Why must I be forced into spending this time of the year with Urza, Christmas Hater?'
'Bah humbug.' Urza repeated.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Lord Of The Pit stepped out of his pit. The mailbox was decorated for Christmas, the archway that was the entrance supported mistletoe and lights were strung up around the lip of the pit itself. Even here Christmas was celebrated. Hell, it was even SNOWING here.
'I love this weather.' Lord Of The Pit said. 'Makes for great football weather.'
Lord Of The Pit Was admiring his festive handiwork when the telephone rang. Running back inside, Lord Of The Pit tripped over a leg rest, breaking it in two. Reaching out for support during his fall, he pulled the end table that housed the phone down with him. Lying among the timbers that used to be furniture, he picked up the baseball shaped phone.
'Hello?'
He was greeted by blaring Christmas music.
'Hello!?' He yelled.
'Oh, you ARE there.' The caller shouted.
'Oh, its you Nemetta. What's going on?'
Nemetta was a three-foot tall tree folk that had the job of guarding Rith the Dragon Lord.
'Not Much. You're still showing up for the Christmas party, right?'
'Same as last year?'
'That's right. Just the three of us doing the trading bit.'
'All right. I'll show up. Did you get a hold of Serra yet?' Lord Of The Pit lifted himself out of the debris and dusted himself off.
'I tried calling her, but I didn't get an answer. I left a message anyway.'
'I'm sure she'll get back to you. I'll see you later.'
'All right. See you later.' Nemetta hung up the phone.
Lord Of The Pit hung up the phone and headed for the door. Deep in though as to what a tradable gift was for a tree folk and an angle, he tripped over the couch on the way out. Typical.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Commodore Guff pulled an armful of books off of one of his infinite bookshelves.
'Damn!' He yelled 'Where is it? I could have SWORN it would have been with the rest.'
Guff had been looking for the book 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' since early July. It was always the same thing. The book was always lost at the same time each year.
'Damn it all.' Guff said again.
He pulled out his monocle and looked at the titles. 'A Christmas Carol', 'A Christmas Tribute', 'Christmas; Fact And Fiction', but no 'Twas'. HE tossed the books into the air and they filed themselves in the appropriate places. Guff walked over to the reference desk.
'Clerk! CLERK!' He shouted, looking around angrily 'Damn clerks. CLERK!'
Guff raised and eyebrow at his own stupidity. HE was the clerk of his own library. He hit himself in the back of the head, causing the monocle to fall out.
'Damn.' He said again, stepping behind he desk. Opening the logbook on his desk, he read off the books that were recently checked out.
'Let's see. 'Soldiers Life', 'Misery', 'Thran Tome', 'Legions', 'Anarchists Cookbook', 'How To Draw Manga', 'Dragon Ball- Volumes 1 through 354', 'Twas The Night Before Christmas', 'Rainbow Six'- wait a second.'
He fumbled to adjust his missing monocle.
'What the- damn.' He said 'Gone again.'
He reached into the pocket of his robe and pulled out a new one. Placing it to his eye, he read who had checked it out.
'Bo Levar. Oh, ok.' Guff slammed the book shut and started to walk back to his shelves of books, but stopped short. 'Bo Levar!?' He shouted 'Oh no! Well, let's at least hope he's careful with it and doesn't damage it.'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Somewhere between worlds, on board of his cigar smuggling boat, Bo Levar stood on deck reading his borrowed book. The worlds flew by as he 'sailed' from Dominaria to Serra's Realm to make a drop-off of cigars.
"Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the hou"- Aw, this book sucks.'
Bo pitched the book overboard and watched as it was obliterated into particles smaller than atoms.
'I wonder where I got that?' He neared the gates of Serra's Realm.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Hannah, Orim and Sissay are seen holding sheets of paper. Gerrard, Karn, Thangarth and Squee are in the background decorating the interior of the Weatherlight.
'Tis the night before Christmas, and all through the ship, everything's coming loose, everything's falling to shit.' Orim began. All three women turn at the sound of things falling to the floor. Most of the decorations o the wall falls in a line.
'Be careful with that holly.' Gerrard ordered.
'Don't nail anything to the wall, I'm warning ya'.' Karn rumbled 'Use scotch tape, scotch tape is better.'
'For paper it's good, for holly it's rotten.' Thangarth replied.
'Watch out what you hang on that lantern, it's not strong.' Gerrard warned.
'Tinsel, tinsel! It's only tinsel!' Squee squealed.
'It's too MUCH tinsel.' Karn added.
'What harm could one more teeny-weensy piece of tinsel do? Here I'll show you. There. See?' Squee looked content with himself 'AIEE!' He fell from the ladder he was standing on, causing the lantern to fall and smash.
'Though we hang our gay decorations with care' Hannah continued.
'The whole ship is a mess. And we cry in despair.' Sissay finished. All three women sob over the mess the ship is in.
'So wreck the halls with boughs of holly.' Gerrard, Karn and Thangarth sang 'Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.'
More things fall behind them due to a clumsy goblin trying to carry too much.
'Decorating can be folly. Folly-folly-fall-ly-folly-fall. '
More things fall on an already downed Squee.
'I TOLD you it wouldn't hold. You wouldn't listen.' Thangarth scolded Squee. He smacked him on the head.
"Ooh. That hurt.' Squee said.
'No it didn't.' Thangarth replied 'THIS one will hurt.'
HE smacked him again harder.
'Ouch! Hey, your right.'
'Holly leaves are sharp like stingers. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.' The women sang 'handle them with dainty fingers. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.'
'Ooh, my finger.' Gerrard cried 'It's bleeding.'
'Serves you right.' Karn said, busy in work 'I TOLD you it was sharp.'
The four men turned around to look at the tree that had erected and decorated earlier.
'That tree is not straight.' Gerrard said.
'It's leaning.' Karn agreed.
'There's too much decorations on the left side.' Thangarth pointed out.
'No.' Karn replied 'There's not enough decorations on the left side.'
'Your all wrong, there's not enough on the top. Here I'll show you.' Squee said, climbing another ladder.
'No, No.' Karn said 'don't put anything more on the top.'
'Come down from there.' Gerrard ordered.
'Woah-' Squee said as he began to loose his balance.
'Watch out what your doing!" Gerrard yelled.
'It's dangerous, I'm warning you,' Karn stammered 'Don't try to-'
'TIMBER!' Thangarth yelled.
The tree fell over and landed on top of Squee. All three women buried their faces in their paper, pretending not to see what had just happened.
'Come on Karn, Thangarth. Let's get Squee out from under this tree again.'
'Ugh.' The silver man sighed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Serra Angel staggered in her front door. The room was, like every afternoon, morning and night, spinning.
'That's' it.' She slurred 'No more drinking.' It was a false promise.
Serra, though a white Angel, was quite the drunkard. The loveable lush loved her booze, but never got reprimanded for it.
She had been walking across the clouds when a ship almost hit her. In a drunken rage, she had swung her sword and it had done some considerable damage. A young man with a sandy colored hair and a goatee has scolded her for it. She flipped him off and stumbled away.
Serra put her Divine sword in what she though was the corner of the room. It was actually an end table. The sword cut right through it and landed on the floor.
Serra was on her way to the cooler when she saw a small red light flashing on some kind of box. The box was sitting next to the phone, so she thought it harmless. Reaching for the box, she tripped a little.
'Please stop the room.' She said to the wall 'I'd like to get off now.'
She stabber her finger at the light a few times, once making it sound off a high-speed rewinding sound.
'What the-?'
The tape stopped and a familiar voice was heard.
'Hi Serra, it's Nemetta.'
'Oh hi Nemetta!' She squealed.
'Just called to remind you about the party tonight.'
'Yeah, I remem-'
'Just be sure you don't forget to bring a gift for the trade.'
'Ok, I'll remember to-'
'And bring some food or something too.'
'Will you let me finish talking?' She said to the machine.
'And be sure to show up early. You were late last year.'
'I was late because I was drunk! And another thing-'
'All right.' The tape continued 'I'll see you later. Bye.'
The tape ended.
'So! Hang up on me will you?!" she yelled, enraged again 'I'll show you, you little green bastard!'
She reached for her sheathed sword, but it was not there. Instead of smashing the offending thing into oblivion, she ripped it out of the wall and began gnawing on it.
'I'll show you.' She mumbled.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Tsabo Tavoc stood behind the bar, looking at the wall clock. Almost time. More Phyrexian grunts piled in the door. There was already a good amount in there, quaffing their Phyrexian ale, but she knew that there was only more coming.
'What do you have on tap?' a grunt asked.
Tsabo sighed. Same question as always, with predictable results.
'Guinness, Bud Lite, Mike's Hard-'
'He is?' The grunt joked.
'Becks, Two Dogs, Sam Adams and Red Stripe.'
'Horray beer!'
The bar patrons yelled at the mention of the Stripe. Tsabo rolled her eyes.
'I'll take a screw driver.' The grunt replied.
'Figures.' Tsabo though 'He wants NOTHING on tap. As usual.'
She mixed the drink with two of her legs and scanned for another parched patron.
'What will it be?' Tsabo asked a Hydralisk.
'Tom and Jerry.' It hissed.
'I hate this new crowd.' She said under her breath.
The bar was decorated in festive red and green for the holiday. Tsabo pushed back the pompom from her Santa hat that had fallen forward. The phone rang and she picked it up with one of her four arms.
'Hello? Yes, all right. Full menu until 9:45, pizzas until 10. Ok.'
She hung up the phone and slid the drink to the Hydralisk, who ate the glass, drink and all. Tsabo hung up the phone and glared at the foul creature.
'Your going to have to pay for that.' She said.
The Hydralisk hissed at her and slithered away form the bar.
'Hey!' Tsabo yelled. A Few grunts turned to look. 'Get back here and pay for that!'
The Hydralisk turned around. It was a good 20 feet away from the bar, and it spit the glass back at Tsabo. She ducked in time as it impacted across the room into a pinball game that cost a Phyrexian trooper a high score and a free game. The trooper and two of his pals turned and glared at the Hydralisk. It hissed again and backed toward the door.
'No one pulls something like that and leaves without regretting it.' Tsabo said. A small group of grunts moved in to corner it.
The Hydralisk extended his claws and the group backed away a little.
All except a Slasher, who cracked a pool cue upside its head, knocking the Hydralisk out.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Mirri put her pencil down and looked at her Christmas list. Never since she was a cub had she left a list. It was kind of silly, but hey, a Cat Warrior would ask.
She stood up and walked to ward the tree. Well, at least THIS was normal for her, the tree and all. She had always had a tree put up in her dwelling. Ever since she could remember she had one. Every memory of Christmas she had was a good one. From running up and down the tree as a cub to spending the season alone- wait, that was not a good thing.
But that would hopefully change tonight. It was a simple request. Someone to share days with, nights, a bed, someone to cook naked for. Someone that would just be there. Not to mention someone to rail.
Gerrard. Just the though of him made her want to run into the bathroom and mas-
Mirri looked around; glad no one could have possibly read that.
Looking back at her tree, she searched for a place to hang the list. Cat Nation Tradition stated that only a decorated tree was to hold a Warriors list. This was indeed a list, and she was surely a warrior. Mirri wanted to make sure that the mysterious Gift Giver would see it.
The creature that brought presents was never seen. In fact, no one really knew WHAT kind of creature it was. Some said humanoid, others Elf, but no one really knew.
Mirri looked around. The fireplace was lit, there was food in the cooler, expensive wines in the dusty cabinet (Mirri never was a drinker), and plenty of room 9in the house and bed) for a companion.
Mirri, list in paw, put the note on a branch. She perfected the setup by spearing the list on a branch, so it would be in plain view.
'There.' She said 'No WAY can he not see this.'
If this Gift Giver did not see or find a list left on the tree, he would leave only that which you needed. Be it milk, socks, pet food, a little extra mana or even shells for a 12guage shotgun.
Mirri stepped back to admire the tree.
Wait, something was wrong. The tree was decorated, the fire was lit, the lights were- that's it. The lights were not plugged in. In fact, nothing was. Mirri checked her walls for a certain electrical outlet. She came to couch and looked behind it.
'Figures.'
The electronics cords were lying under the faceplate, only a few feet behind the couch itself.
Falling on all fours ('Where are you when I need you Gerrard?'), she scooted her way into the cramped space, coming just in reach of the cords. She fumbled around and finally plugged them in. From the other end of the couch, there was the soft glow of the tree lights. She could even hear her CD player drifting out the sounds of Bing Crosby singing Christmas Carols. Content with the active electronics, Mirri attempted to back her way out.
'Oh damn.' She said.
She tried backing up again. Stuck. Stuck behind the couch.
'This is just great.' Mirri said 'Can this GET any worse?'
Mirri thrashed around a little, trying to get herself loose, but she only succeeded in knocking a hanging picture off the wall, causing it to bounce off her head. The jolt surprised her enough to jump a little and loosen her up from between the wall and couch. She was still trapped from the shoulders up, tail end still elevated in response to the pain in her head. Despite her pain, she said
'Where IS Gerrard?'
Mirri struggled up bit-by-bit and got out. Once she was up and on her feet again, she extinguished the fire, put the CD of Crosby on repeat and turned off all of the lights, leaving the tree lights on.
Crawling into bed, she curled up on one side, not disturbing the half that held a small index card that read 'Reserved'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Nemetta walked over to his window and looked out. Small fingers of ice had already begun to form themselves on his windows. Outside, close to a foot of snow had fallen. Another foot, and it would be up to Nemetta's eyes.
Nemetta paced the house, careful to avoid the stasis cell he was guarding. Any disturbances could cause could set off a string of profane suggestions and images.
The wall of Nemetta's tree was not perverted, just that which was imprisoned in it.
Nemetta had the 'privilege'' of guarding Rith, a dragon lord that had been put there since before Nemetta was 3 rings thick.
Nemetta stopped and looked at his phone.
No. He wasn't going to do it. He continued walking.
Another lap around the interior of the tree, he again stopped and looked at the phone.
'No,' He said to himself 'got to fight it.' He tore his eyes away from the phone, only to look again at it. The Christmas lights around his house made it look as if the phone had a halo around it. 'Cant loose control. Will- strong. Body- - weak.'
Nemetta was fighting a losing battle. Giving into temptation, Nemetta dove for the telephone. Breathing a sigh of relief, he stood up, fixed his Santa hat and dialed 'pound' 3. Tsabo's Bar. It rang three times and a familiar voice answered.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
'Tsabo's Bar.' Tsabo answered the phone 'where the elite meet to drink.'
'Yes, hi,' a voice said 'I'm looking for a Ms. Esbian. First name, Imal.'
Tsabo sighed. Always someone looking for someone.
'Hold on.' Tsabo said 'I'll check.'
Tsabo quickly scanned the bar. The Hydralisk impaled on the wall did not slow bar traffic. It may have all of its organs spilling from it split abdomen, but it made quite the buffet for anything hungry that wandered by. Tsabo took a deep breath.
'Imal Esbian!' she shouted (Yell it real loud kids! It's fun!) ''All right ladies, Imal Esbian! Come and get it! Imal Esbian, let's go!'
A group of Phyrexians grunts that were near a nearby table playing Magic started to laugh.
'Hey, wait a minute-' Tsabo said, phone at her side. She brought it back up to her head, only to be greeted by laughter 'It's you! Why you little- if I ever get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head as a bucket and paint my house with your brains!'
Tsabo slammed the receiver down as the caller continued laughing on the other end.
'You know,' a grunt said, approaching the bar 'I'll show you the joy of the other gender if you're interested.'
Tsabo leaned forward and proceeded to repeatedly hit her head on the bar.
'Same thing, every day.' She said to herself.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Nemetta fell to the floor laughing as soon as Tsabo yelled for Imal Esbian. It was just too easy. He regained control of himself and hung up the phone. So maybe it was a good thing to give into temptation on occasion. No big deal.
There was a knock on Nemetta's door. He jogged to the front of his tree and looked out the window.
A huge black demon was standing outside. It was wearing a Green Bay Packers Jacket and a New York Yankees Baseball hat. On top of all that, it was carrying a Christmas present. Not your average demon.
Nemetta reached over and twisted the doorknob, pulling the door open. The demon stepped in, taking off his hat.
'Seasons greetings buddy!' it bellowed ' And peace on Dominaria!'
'Nice to see you too Loppy.' Nemetta said to his friend 'Come alone?'
The demon laughed, hurling small chunks of brimstone into the air.
'What's so funny?' Nemetta asked/
'I've got Serra with me in the truck. I guess she got pretty loaded again and needed a ride.'
As far as Nemetta knew, Lord Of The Pit was the only demon that could freely go into Serra's Realm.
'So I'm guessing she'll be out for a while before she comes in then?' Nemetta asked.
'I'd put the Minnesota Vikings on it. If I owned them.' Lord Of The Pit said.
Nemetta took Loppy's jacket and hung it up next to the door.
'Do you think she'll be all right out there?' Nemetta asked as he crossed the room. Just then, something ran into his door and began cursing loudly.
'I do believe the third drunk has showed up.' Lord of The Pit said.
Nemetta ran back to the door and opened it. Brandishing her sword and swearing vengeance upon the door, Serra Angel stood knee-deep in snow.
'Serra,' Nemetta sighed 'Come inside before you freeze.'
Serra dropped the sword to her side at the sound of Nemetta's voice.
'How did YOU get here, pal?' she asked.
'Serra, I LIVE here.'
Serra looked confused. Probably had no idea where she was. Nemetta stood there with the door open, allowing snow to drift in on the icy wind.
'I feel a draft!' Lord Of The Pit said from the den.
'Well don't just STAND there.' Serra said 'Come on inside. It's like another Ice Age out there.'
Nemetta made way as she pushed herself in the doorway.
'Nice to see your up.' Lord Of The Pit said 'Sleep well?'
Serra staggered around a little as she looked about the room. She seemed to have noticed the Christmas decorations.
'That reminds me. I brought you something.' Serra reached for her robe, pulling it open slightly at the neckline.
'Serra,' Nemetta said 'don't do that. We're your friends.'
'Quiet you.' Lord Of The Pit hissed 'Hey Serra! I got ones!' He pulled out his wallet.
Serra, defying all natural laws, pulled out a good-sized gift from between her cleavage.
'Here.' She said, sounding almost sober 'I guess someone's trading something for this.'
Nemetta took the gift and walked toward the tree with it. The box felt familiar. Like it's contents were a part of everyday life. And it was cold.
'It's a six pack.' Serra yelled as she crashed on the sofa.
Oh well. Christmas was Christmas. Nemetta set the gift down and admired his tree. Once again, like always, it was perfect.
'Hey!' Lord Of The Pit called from the couch 'what movie are we watching this year?'
'I'm not sure yet.' Nemetta said as he walked back into the den.
'How about 'Burning Yule Logs Of Passion'?' Serra offered, sounding drunk again.
"Yule Logs-'? What's that?' Lord Of The Pit questioned.
'It's a porn.' Serra slurred.
'How about I pick a movie?' Lord Of The Pit said. He walked over to Nemetta's movie collection and started reading off titles. "A Christmas Carol'?'
'That was on yesterday.' Nemetta said.
'Ok, how about 'Merry Christmas Charlie Brown'?'
'How about porn?' Serra offered as she rummaged through Nemetta's refrigerator. Nemetta had not seen her stager over to it.
'What are you looking for Serra?' The little tree folk asked.
'Booze.' She replied.
'Does she know you don't keep any in the house?' Lord Of The Pit asked Nemetta from the den.
'She will in a second.'
'I didn't find any.' Serra said sullenly, suddenly (woo, tough one) behind Nemetta. 'So I'll just ask you to open this now.'
Nemetta turned around to see Serra holding up a small gift-wrapped box.
'Thank you Serra.' Nemetta said taking it. I'll open it right now.'
'It's a bottle of Jack Daniels.' Serra said before Nemetta could remove the paper.
Nemetta pulled the paper off and looked at the unopened bottle of pure grain alcohol.
'Serra,' Nemetta began 'You- shouldn't have.'
'Can I borrow it?' Serra asked.
'Sure.' Nemetta said 'for as long as you want.
Serra took the bottle with glee and Nemetta turned back to Lord Of The Pit.
"Bevis and Butthead Christmas'?' he asked.
Nemetta shrugged.
'Fine with me.' Nemetta said 'Anyone want something to drink?'
'I'm all set.' Serra slurred, bottle already half empty.
'You can't cook up a glass of tortured soul topped with flaming brimstone can you?' Lord Of The Pit questioned.
'No.' Nemetta answered.
'Ok. I'm fine then.'
The three amigos eventually found their way to Nemetta's sofa, Serra falling twice on the way.
Midway through the movie, Nemetta said
'Merry Christmas you guys.'
'And a happy new year.' Lord Of The Pit added.
'Wa-ah, I'll teach YOU how to rock and roll.' Serra said, empty bottle by her feet.
Nemetta and Lord Of The Pit began to laugh. Serra, not understanding what was funny, laughed with them.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
'What size gloves am I?'
'You don't have HANDS my Lord.'
Yawgmoth looked at his extended arms. The black robe he wore made it so damn hard to get a look at his limbs. With a simple though, the sleeve rolled up. Nothing was there.
'Then what to Hell DO I have?'
'You have whatever you want master.' The royal guard reminded his creator.
Another simple though, and an arm appeared.
'NOW I'll be able to get some gloves.'
'Yes Lord.' The guard replied.
Yawgmoth looked around his inner sanctum. It was decorated with cheery lights and other festive decorations. Even the Lord Of The Wastes celebrated Christmas.
'What's the weather forecast for today, Bob?' Yawgmoth asked his guard.
His servant stepped closer to him.
'Um, my Lord, YOU control everything here in the Wastes. Even the weather.'
'I DO?' Yawgmoth said, almost shocked 'I mean, damn RIGHT I do. Watch.'
Yawgmoth motioned Bob closer to the window.
'Rain, typhoon, hail, snow, hail, hail, rain, cloudy, clear, sun rise, sun set, sunrise, cloudy, clear, rain, clear, snow, hail, sun rise, sun rise, cloudy, clear, rain of anvils, clear monsoon-'
Outside, the weather was going berserk due to its master's commands. Yawgmoth giggled with glee. He also did this for a good 15 minutes.
'Um, my Lord.' Bob said 'Don't you have a list to make?'
Yawgmoth turned form the window. Since he had begun screwing with the weather, the land was in utter chaos. Flooding, freezing, 90degree weather. Yawgmoth walked away from the window, but not before waving his hand in front if it, causing the landscape to return to normal.
Yawgmoth crossed the room and sat down at his desk. On his desk was a computer, a phone, a coffee mug that read 'Evil and Loving It', a nameplate with 'Yawgmoth The Awesome' etched into it and an open notebook.
Yawgmoth pulled a pen out of thin air and began writing.
'Dear Santa, This year I have been very good.'
'Lord,' Bob said 'I don't think that he is STUPID.'
'What do you mean?' Yawgmoth asked.
'He DOES keep a list, sir.'
'Oh fine. I'll change it.'
'Dear Santa, This year I have been fairly good. For-'
'My Lord,' Bo cautiously said 'if your not honest now, he wont bring you ANYTHING.'
Yawgmoth sighed.
'Wait a second.' Yawgmoth said 'his last name is spelled like a legal contract. That gives me an idea.'
'Uh-oh.' Bob said.
'Dear Santa, This year I have been *very good. In light of this, I would appreciate the following for Christmas. Item 1, complete control of Dominaria. Item 2, Compete control over all plains. Item 3, new torture device. Item 4, new mask. Item 5, X-Box with vice City. Please help yourself to the plate of fresh cookies and gallon of Milk. -Yawgmoth.'
'My Lord,' Bob said 'I fail to see how you will get away with 'I have been very good."
Yawgmoth dropped down a few lines on the paper, and in very small writing wrote
'*In saying I have been good, I mean very evil. This states that I have NOT been good, but you will leave me stuff anyway. Ha ha.'
'Brilliant Lord Yawgmoth! Sheer brilliance!'
'I DO try.' Yawgmoth said, waving away the compliment 'But I'm not content yet.'
'Whatever do you mean?' Bob asked.
'I feel like I'm missing something.' He pulled a yo-yo out of his pocket and began playing with it. Bob stood in deep thought. After about two minutes, Bob snapped his claws together.
'I GOT it.' He said.
'What's that?' Yawgmoth asked 'the Flu?'
'No, you have yet to sing your trademark song for the season.'
Yawgmoth jumped to his 'feet'.
'Your right. Care to join me?'
'Like every year.' Bob dropped his pike and pulled an accordion out of his satchel. Together, music and lyrics reverberating off the room, they sang
'I'm getting nothing for Christmas. Xantcha and Gix are mad. I'm getting nothing for Christmas, because I aint been nothing but bad.'
They went on with all 12 verses, including
'I did a dance on mommy's plants, filled the sugar bowl with ants, somebody snitched on me.'
Well, needless to say, they went on for quite some time. If there were such a thing as time in the Wastes, they would have been singing for two days straight. As Yawgmoth went on singing his evil soul out, the Christmas spirit filled every heart, living and undead, thing on Dominaria and it's surrounding plains with joy.
And on every plain on the morning of December 25th, every voice and creature proclaimed
'Merry Christmas Dominaria!'
Authors note: Well, it was fun to write. I take Christmas seriously and though it fun to see how Dominaria and it's components celebrated it. Merry Christmas faithful readers, and happy New Year. -'Jose Philipe Mendola', USAF Airman 3rd class.
Jose Philipe Mendola
Legal Notice: I don't own any of the characters in this Fic. They are copyrighted materials of Wizards of the Coast. The only money I have seen from this was the electricity bill that came about because of the typing this required and the lighting writing it required at night. So, in all honesty, I should be suing THEM for creating such playable characters. All in all, don't sue me.
Authors Note: I know that some of these people are dead, but where would the fun be without them? Don't bother pointing out the living dead, I know.
Set Up: The following takes place all over the Magic Realm. From Phyrexia to a tree in the Yavamian Forest, everyone celebrates X-Mas. Commodore Guff to Lord Of The Pit, Weatherlight's crew to Nemetta, bask in the season that is Christmas.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~ A light snow is falling on a small house. The building is painted white and has a blue tile roof. Mountains surround the dwelling, and the ocean is seen in the background. The door to the house opens a bit and a hand sticks out ~
'What the crap?'
'What's wrong Urza?' Barrin questions.
'White colored frozen water has been falling for the past 48 hours. It's starting to pile up. I bet this will be bad for the artifacts.'
Barrin opens the door wider and steps next to Urza.
'Well,' Barrin began 'it IS that time of the season again.'
'Christmas?' Urza questioned.
'Oh yes indeed.' Barrin answered. ' It's my favorite time of the year.'
'Bah humbug.' Urza grumbled.
Barrin shook his head. It was always the same with Urza. He was never happy unless an artifact was destroying something. Urza HATED Christmas.
'If it were up to ME,' Urza began 'I'd get rid of the snow.'
Barrin turned form the door to look at Urza.
'Come on. One person can't hate Christmas that much.'
Urza smiled and pointed behind Barrin. Turning back to look outside, Urza had once again proven his power.
Where once gray clouds sifting snow were, was not a hole in the said clouds letting in sun and warmth. The snow that had begun to pile up was no more, melted in the 90-degree weather. Barrin sighed.
'It's as big as the island, and it's going to be there all season. You want snow, go to Keld.' Urza said, walking back to his desk.
'Are you going to be like this all Christmas?' Barrin asked, stepping out into the sunlight.
'Yes.'
'Well, I might as well go out and get a tree anyway. Want to come with me?' Barrin said, walking back in the house.
Urza was staring in a corner of the room. Barrin scrutinized Urza for a second and averted his attention toward the corner. There was, newly materialized, a Christmas Tree, already decorated and lit up with lights.
'I hate you.' Barrin said 'You could suck the fun out of a clown. Why must I be forced into spending this time of the year with Urza, Christmas Hater?'
'Bah humbug.' Urza repeated.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Lord Of The Pit stepped out of his pit. The mailbox was decorated for Christmas, the archway that was the entrance supported mistletoe and lights were strung up around the lip of the pit itself. Even here Christmas was celebrated. Hell, it was even SNOWING here.
'I love this weather.' Lord Of The Pit said. 'Makes for great football weather.'
Lord Of The Pit Was admiring his festive handiwork when the telephone rang. Running back inside, Lord Of The Pit tripped over a leg rest, breaking it in two. Reaching out for support during his fall, he pulled the end table that housed the phone down with him. Lying among the timbers that used to be furniture, he picked up the baseball shaped phone.
'Hello?'
He was greeted by blaring Christmas music.
'Hello!?' He yelled.
'Oh, you ARE there.' The caller shouted.
'Oh, its you Nemetta. What's going on?'
Nemetta was a three-foot tall tree folk that had the job of guarding Rith the Dragon Lord.
'Not Much. You're still showing up for the Christmas party, right?'
'Same as last year?'
'That's right. Just the three of us doing the trading bit.'
'All right. I'll show up. Did you get a hold of Serra yet?' Lord Of The Pit lifted himself out of the debris and dusted himself off.
'I tried calling her, but I didn't get an answer. I left a message anyway.'
'I'm sure she'll get back to you. I'll see you later.'
'All right. See you later.' Nemetta hung up the phone.
Lord Of The Pit hung up the phone and headed for the door. Deep in though as to what a tradable gift was for a tree folk and an angle, he tripped over the couch on the way out. Typical.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Commodore Guff pulled an armful of books off of one of his infinite bookshelves.
'Damn!' He yelled 'Where is it? I could have SWORN it would have been with the rest.'
Guff had been looking for the book 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' since early July. It was always the same thing. The book was always lost at the same time each year.
'Damn it all.' Guff said again.
He pulled out his monocle and looked at the titles. 'A Christmas Carol', 'A Christmas Tribute', 'Christmas; Fact And Fiction', but no 'Twas'. HE tossed the books into the air and they filed themselves in the appropriate places. Guff walked over to the reference desk.
'Clerk! CLERK!' He shouted, looking around angrily 'Damn clerks. CLERK!'
Guff raised and eyebrow at his own stupidity. HE was the clerk of his own library. He hit himself in the back of the head, causing the monocle to fall out.
'Damn.' He said again, stepping behind he desk. Opening the logbook on his desk, he read off the books that were recently checked out.
'Let's see. 'Soldiers Life', 'Misery', 'Thran Tome', 'Legions', 'Anarchists Cookbook', 'How To Draw Manga', 'Dragon Ball- Volumes 1 through 354', 'Twas The Night Before Christmas', 'Rainbow Six'- wait a second.'
He fumbled to adjust his missing monocle.
'What the- damn.' He said 'Gone again.'
He reached into the pocket of his robe and pulled out a new one. Placing it to his eye, he read who had checked it out.
'Bo Levar. Oh, ok.' Guff slammed the book shut and started to walk back to his shelves of books, but stopped short. 'Bo Levar!?' He shouted 'Oh no! Well, let's at least hope he's careful with it and doesn't damage it.'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Somewhere between worlds, on board of his cigar smuggling boat, Bo Levar stood on deck reading his borrowed book. The worlds flew by as he 'sailed' from Dominaria to Serra's Realm to make a drop-off of cigars.
"Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the hou"- Aw, this book sucks.'
Bo pitched the book overboard and watched as it was obliterated into particles smaller than atoms.
'I wonder where I got that?' He neared the gates of Serra's Realm.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Hannah, Orim and Sissay are seen holding sheets of paper. Gerrard, Karn, Thangarth and Squee are in the background decorating the interior of the Weatherlight.
'Tis the night before Christmas, and all through the ship, everything's coming loose, everything's falling to shit.' Orim began. All three women turn at the sound of things falling to the floor. Most of the decorations o the wall falls in a line.
'Be careful with that holly.' Gerrard ordered.
'Don't nail anything to the wall, I'm warning ya'.' Karn rumbled 'Use scotch tape, scotch tape is better.'
'For paper it's good, for holly it's rotten.' Thangarth replied.
'Watch out what you hang on that lantern, it's not strong.' Gerrard warned.
'Tinsel, tinsel! It's only tinsel!' Squee squealed.
'It's too MUCH tinsel.' Karn added.
'What harm could one more teeny-weensy piece of tinsel do? Here I'll show you. There. See?' Squee looked content with himself 'AIEE!' He fell from the ladder he was standing on, causing the lantern to fall and smash.
'Though we hang our gay decorations with care' Hannah continued.
'The whole ship is a mess. And we cry in despair.' Sissay finished. All three women sob over the mess the ship is in.
'So wreck the halls with boughs of holly.' Gerrard, Karn and Thangarth sang 'Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.'
More things fall behind them due to a clumsy goblin trying to carry too much.
'Decorating can be folly. Folly-folly-fall-ly-folly-fall. '
More things fall on an already downed Squee.
'I TOLD you it wouldn't hold. You wouldn't listen.' Thangarth scolded Squee. He smacked him on the head.
"Ooh. That hurt.' Squee said.
'No it didn't.' Thangarth replied 'THIS one will hurt.'
HE smacked him again harder.
'Ouch! Hey, your right.'
'Holly leaves are sharp like stingers. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.' The women sang 'handle them with dainty fingers. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.'
'Ooh, my finger.' Gerrard cried 'It's bleeding.'
'Serves you right.' Karn said, busy in work 'I TOLD you it was sharp.'
The four men turned around to look at the tree that had erected and decorated earlier.
'That tree is not straight.' Gerrard said.
'It's leaning.' Karn agreed.
'There's too much decorations on the left side.' Thangarth pointed out.
'No.' Karn replied 'There's not enough decorations on the left side.'
'Your all wrong, there's not enough on the top. Here I'll show you.' Squee said, climbing another ladder.
'No, No.' Karn said 'don't put anything more on the top.'
'Come down from there.' Gerrard ordered.
'Woah-' Squee said as he began to loose his balance.
'Watch out what your doing!" Gerrard yelled.
'It's dangerous, I'm warning you,' Karn stammered 'Don't try to-'
'TIMBER!' Thangarth yelled.
The tree fell over and landed on top of Squee. All three women buried their faces in their paper, pretending not to see what had just happened.
'Come on Karn, Thangarth. Let's get Squee out from under this tree again.'
'Ugh.' The silver man sighed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Serra Angel staggered in her front door. The room was, like every afternoon, morning and night, spinning.
'That's' it.' She slurred 'No more drinking.' It was a false promise.
Serra, though a white Angel, was quite the drunkard. The loveable lush loved her booze, but never got reprimanded for it.
She had been walking across the clouds when a ship almost hit her. In a drunken rage, she had swung her sword and it had done some considerable damage. A young man with a sandy colored hair and a goatee has scolded her for it. She flipped him off and stumbled away.
Serra put her Divine sword in what she though was the corner of the room. It was actually an end table. The sword cut right through it and landed on the floor.
Serra was on her way to the cooler when she saw a small red light flashing on some kind of box. The box was sitting next to the phone, so she thought it harmless. Reaching for the box, she tripped a little.
'Please stop the room.' She said to the wall 'I'd like to get off now.'
She stabber her finger at the light a few times, once making it sound off a high-speed rewinding sound.
'What the-?'
The tape stopped and a familiar voice was heard.
'Hi Serra, it's Nemetta.'
'Oh hi Nemetta!' She squealed.
'Just called to remind you about the party tonight.'
'Yeah, I remem-'
'Just be sure you don't forget to bring a gift for the trade.'
'Ok, I'll remember to-'
'And bring some food or something too.'
'Will you let me finish talking?' She said to the machine.
'And be sure to show up early. You were late last year.'
'I was late because I was drunk! And another thing-'
'All right.' The tape continued 'I'll see you later. Bye.'
The tape ended.
'So! Hang up on me will you?!" she yelled, enraged again 'I'll show you, you little green bastard!'
She reached for her sheathed sword, but it was not there. Instead of smashing the offending thing into oblivion, she ripped it out of the wall and began gnawing on it.
'I'll show you.' She mumbled.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Tsabo Tavoc stood behind the bar, looking at the wall clock. Almost time. More Phyrexian grunts piled in the door. There was already a good amount in there, quaffing their Phyrexian ale, but she knew that there was only more coming.
'What do you have on tap?' a grunt asked.
Tsabo sighed. Same question as always, with predictable results.
'Guinness, Bud Lite, Mike's Hard-'
'He is?' The grunt joked.
'Becks, Two Dogs, Sam Adams and Red Stripe.'
'Horray beer!'
The bar patrons yelled at the mention of the Stripe. Tsabo rolled her eyes.
'I'll take a screw driver.' The grunt replied.
'Figures.' Tsabo though 'He wants NOTHING on tap. As usual.'
She mixed the drink with two of her legs and scanned for another parched patron.
'What will it be?' Tsabo asked a Hydralisk.
'Tom and Jerry.' It hissed.
'I hate this new crowd.' She said under her breath.
The bar was decorated in festive red and green for the holiday. Tsabo pushed back the pompom from her Santa hat that had fallen forward. The phone rang and she picked it up with one of her four arms.
'Hello? Yes, all right. Full menu until 9:45, pizzas until 10. Ok.'
She hung up the phone and slid the drink to the Hydralisk, who ate the glass, drink and all. Tsabo hung up the phone and glared at the foul creature.
'Your going to have to pay for that.' She said.
The Hydralisk hissed at her and slithered away form the bar.
'Hey!' Tsabo yelled. A Few grunts turned to look. 'Get back here and pay for that!'
The Hydralisk turned around. It was a good 20 feet away from the bar, and it spit the glass back at Tsabo. She ducked in time as it impacted across the room into a pinball game that cost a Phyrexian trooper a high score and a free game. The trooper and two of his pals turned and glared at the Hydralisk. It hissed again and backed toward the door.
'No one pulls something like that and leaves without regretting it.' Tsabo said. A small group of grunts moved in to corner it.
The Hydralisk extended his claws and the group backed away a little.
All except a Slasher, who cracked a pool cue upside its head, knocking the Hydralisk out.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Mirri put her pencil down and looked at her Christmas list. Never since she was a cub had she left a list. It was kind of silly, but hey, a Cat Warrior would ask.
She stood up and walked to ward the tree. Well, at least THIS was normal for her, the tree and all. She had always had a tree put up in her dwelling. Ever since she could remember she had one. Every memory of Christmas she had was a good one. From running up and down the tree as a cub to spending the season alone- wait, that was not a good thing.
But that would hopefully change tonight. It was a simple request. Someone to share days with, nights, a bed, someone to cook naked for. Someone that would just be there. Not to mention someone to rail.
Gerrard. Just the though of him made her want to run into the bathroom and mas-
Mirri looked around; glad no one could have possibly read that.
Looking back at her tree, she searched for a place to hang the list. Cat Nation Tradition stated that only a decorated tree was to hold a Warriors list. This was indeed a list, and she was surely a warrior. Mirri wanted to make sure that the mysterious Gift Giver would see it.
The creature that brought presents was never seen. In fact, no one really knew WHAT kind of creature it was. Some said humanoid, others Elf, but no one really knew.
Mirri looked around. The fireplace was lit, there was food in the cooler, expensive wines in the dusty cabinet (Mirri never was a drinker), and plenty of room 9in the house and bed) for a companion.
Mirri, list in paw, put the note on a branch. She perfected the setup by spearing the list on a branch, so it would be in plain view.
'There.' She said 'No WAY can he not see this.'
If this Gift Giver did not see or find a list left on the tree, he would leave only that which you needed. Be it milk, socks, pet food, a little extra mana or even shells for a 12guage shotgun.
Mirri stepped back to admire the tree.
Wait, something was wrong. The tree was decorated, the fire was lit, the lights were- that's it. The lights were not plugged in. In fact, nothing was. Mirri checked her walls for a certain electrical outlet. She came to couch and looked behind it.
'Figures.'
The electronics cords were lying under the faceplate, only a few feet behind the couch itself.
Falling on all fours ('Where are you when I need you Gerrard?'), she scooted her way into the cramped space, coming just in reach of the cords. She fumbled around and finally plugged them in. From the other end of the couch, there was the soft glow of the tree lights. She could even hear her CD player drifting out the sounds of Bing Crosby singing Christmas Carols. Content with the active electronics, Mirri attempted to back her way out.
'Oh damn.' She said.
She tried backing up again. Stuck. Stuck behind the couch.
'This is just great.' Mirri said 'Can this GET any worse?'
Mirri thrashed around a little, trying to get herself loose, but she only succeeded in knocking a hanging picture off the wall, causing it to bounce off her head. The jolt surprised her enough to jump a little and loosen her up from between the wall and couch. She was still trapped from the shoulders up, tail end still elevated in response to the pain in her head. Despite her pain, she said
'Where IS Gerrard?'
Mirri struggled up bit-by-bit and got out. Once she was up and on her feet again, she extinguished the fire, put the CD of Crosby on repeat and turned off all of the lights, leaving the tree lights on.
Crawling into bed, she curled up on one side, not disturbing the half that held a small index card that read 'Reserved'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Nemetta walked over to his window and looked out. Small fingers of ice had already begun to form themselves on his windows. Outside, close to a foot of snow had fallen. Another foot, and it would be up to Nemetta's eyes.
Nemetta paced the house, careful to avoid the stasis cell he was guarding. Any disturbances could cause could set off a string of profane suggestions and images.
The wall of Nemetta's tree was not perverted, just that which was imprisoned in it.
Nemetta had the 'privilege'' of guarding Rith, a dragon lord that had been put there since before Nemetta was 3 rings thick.
Nemetta stopped and looked at his phone.
No. He wasn't going to do it. He continued walking.
Another lap around the interior of the tree, he again stopped and looked at the phone.
'No,' He said to himself 'got to fight it.' He tore his eyes away from the phone, only to look again at it. The Christmas lights around his house made it look as if the phone had a halo around it. 'Cant loose control. Will- strong. Body- - weak.'
Nemetta was fighting a losing battle. Giving into temptation, Nemetta dove for the telephone. Breathing a sigh of relief, he stood up, fixed his Santa hat and dialed 'pound' 3. Tsabo's Bar. It rang three times and a familiar voice answered.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
'Tsabo's Bar.' Tsabo answered the phone 'where the elite meet to drink.'
'Yes, hi,' a voice said 'I'm looking for a Ms. Esbian. First name, Imal.'
Tsabo sighed. Always someone looking for someone.
'Hold on.' Tsabo said 'I'll check.'
Tsabo quickly scanned the bar. The Hydralisk impaled on the wall did not slow bar traffic. It may have all of its organs spilling from it split abdomen, but it made quite the buffet for anything hungry that wandered by. Tsabo took a deep breath.
'Imal Esbian!' she shouted (Yell it real loud kids! It's fun!) ''All right ladies, Imal Esbian! Come and get it! Imal Esbian, let's go!'
A group of Phyrexians grunts that were near a nearby table playing Magic started to laugh.
'Hey, wait a minute-' Tsabo said, phone at her side. She brought it back up to her head, only to be greeted by laughter 'It's you! Why you little- if I ever get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head as a bucket and paint my house with your brains!'
Tsabo slammed the receiver down as the caller continued laughing on the other end.
'You know,' a grunt said, approaching the bar 'I'll show you the joy of the other gender if you're interested.'
Tsabo leaned forward and proceeded to repeatedly hit her head on the bar.
'Same thing, every day.' She said to herself.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Nemetta fell to the floor laughing as soon as Tsabo yelled for Imal Esbian. It was just too easy. He regained control of himself and hung up the phone. So maybe it was a good thing to give into temptation on occasion. No big deal.
There was a knock on Nemetta's door. He jogged to the front of his tree and looked out the window.
A huge black demon was standing outside. It was wearing a Green Bay Packers Jacket and a New York Yankees Baseball hat. On top of all that, it was carrying a Christmas present. Not your average demon.
Nemetta reached over and twisted the doorknob, pulling the door open. The demon stepped in, taking off his hat.
'Seasons greetings buddy!' it bellowed ' And peace on Dominaria!'
'Nice to see you too Loppy.' Nemetta said to his friend 'Come alone?'
The demon laughed, hurling small chunks of brimstone into the air.
'What's so funny?' Nemetta asked/
'I've got Serra with me in the truck. I guess she got pretty loaded again and needed a ride.'
As far as Nemetta knew, Lord Of The Pit was the only demon that could freely go into Serra's Realm.
'So I'm guessing she'll be out for a while before she comes in then?' Nemetta asked.
'I'd put the Minnesota Vikings on it. If I owned them.' Lord Of The Pit said.
Nemetta took Loppy's jacket and hung it up next to the door.
'Do you think she'll be all right out there?' Nemetta asked as he crossed the room. Just then, something ran into his door and began cursing loudly.
'I do believe the third drunk has showed up.' Lord of The Pit said.
Nemetta ran back to the door and opened it. Brandishing her sword and swearing vengeance upon the door, Serra Angel stood knee-deep in snow.
'Serra,' Nemetta sighed 'Come inside before you freeze.'
Serra dropped the sword to her side at the sound of Nemetta's voice.
'How did YOU get here, pal?' she asked.
'Serra, I LIVE here.'
Serra looked confused. Probably had no idea where she was. Nemetta stood there with the door open, allowing snow to drift in on the icy wind.
'I feel a draft!' Lord Of The Pit said from the den.
'Well don't just STAND there.' Serra said 'Come on inside. It's like another Ice Age out there.'
Nemetta made way as she pushed herself in the doorway.
'Nice to see your up.' Lord Of The Pit said 'Sleep well?'
Serra staggered around a little as she looked about the room. She seemed to have noticed the Christmas decorations.
'That reminds me. I brought you something.' Serra reached for her robe, pulling it open slightly at the neckline.
'Serra,' Nemetta said 'don't do that. We're your friends.'
'Quiet you.' Lord Of The Pit hissed 'Hey Serra! I got ones!' He pulled out his wallet.
Serra, defying all natural laws, pulled out a good-sized gift from between her cleavage.
'Here.' She said, sounding almost sober 'I guess someone's trading something for this.'
Nemetta took the gift and walked toward the tree with it. The box felt familiar. Like it's contents were a part of everyday life. And it was cold.
'It's a six pack.' Serra yelled as she crashed on the sofa.
Oh well. Christmas was Christmas. Nemetta set the gift down and admired his tree. Once again, like always, it was perfect.
'Hey!' Lord Of The Pit called from the couch 'what movie are we watching this year?'
'I'm not sure yet.' Nemetta said as he walked back into the den.
'How about 'Burning Yule Logs Of Passion'?' Serra offered, sounding drunk again.
"Yule Logs-'? What's that?' Lord Of The Pit questioned.
'It's a porn.' Serra slurred.
'How about I pick a movie?' Lord Of The Pit said. He walked over to Nemetta's movie collection and started reading off titles. "A Christmas Carol'?'
'That was on yesterday.' Nemetta said.
'Ok, how about 'Merry Christmas Charlie Brown'?'
'How about porn?' Serra offered as she rummaged through Nemetta's refrigerator. Nemetta had not seen her stager over to it.
'What are you looking for Serra?' The little tree folk asked.
'Booze.' She replied.
'Does she know you don't keep any in the house?' Lord Of The Pit asked Nemetta from the den.
'She will in a second.'
'I didn't find any.' Serra said sullenly, suddenly (woo, tough one) behind Nemetta. 'So I'll just ask you to open this now.'
Nemetta turned around to see Serra holding up a small gift-wrapped box.
'Thank you Serra.' Nemetta said taking it. I'll open it right now.'
'It's a bottle of Jack Daniels.' Serra said before Nemetta could remove the paper.
Nemetta pulled the paper off and looked at the unopened bottle of pure grain alcohol.
'Serra,' Nemetta began 'You- shouldn't have.'
'Can I borrow it?' Serra asked.
'Sure.' Nemetta said 'for as long as you want.
Serra took the bottle with glee and Nemetta turned back to Lord Of The Pit.
"Bevis and Butthead Christmas'?' he asked.
Nemetta shrugged.
'Fine with me.' Nemetta said 'Anyone want something to drink?'
'I'm all set.' Serra slurred, bottle already half empty.
'You can't cook up a glass of tortured soul topped with flaming brimstone can you?' Lord Of The Pit questioned.
'No.' Nemetta answered.
'Ok. I'm fine then.'
The three amigos eventually found their way to Nemetta's sofa, Serra falling twice on the way.
Midway through the movie, Nemetta said
'Merry Christmas you guys.'
'And a happy new year.' Lord Of The Pit added.
'Wa-ah, I'll teach YOU how to rock and roll.' Serra said, empty bottle by her feet.
Nemetta and Lord Of The Pit began to laugh. Serra, not understanding what was funny, laughed with them.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
'What size gloves am I?'
'You don't have HANDS my Lord.'
Yawgmoth looked at his extended arms. The black robe he wore made it so damn hard to get a look at his limbs. With a simple though, the sleeve rolled up. Nothing was there.
'Then what to Hell DO I have?'
'You have whatever you want master.' The royal guard reminded his creator.
Another simple though, and an arm appeared.
'NOW I'll be able to get some gloves.'
'Yes Lord.' The guard replied.
Yawgmoth looked around his inner sanctum. It was decorated with cheery lights and other festive decorations. Even the Lord Of The Wastes celebrated Christmas.
'What's the weather forecast for today, Bob?' Yawgmoth asked his guard.
His servant stepped closer to him.
'Um, my Lord, YOU control everything here in the Wastes. Even the weather.'
'I DO?' Yawgmoth said, almost shocked 'I mean, damn RIGHT I do. Watch.'
Yawgmoth motioned Bob closer to the window.
'Rain, typhoon, hail, snow, hail, hail, rain, cloudy, clear, sun rise, sun set, sunrise, cloudy, clear, rain, clear, snow, hail, sun rise, sun rise, cloudy, clear, rain of anvils, clear monsoon-'
Outside, the weather was going berserk due to its master's commands. Yawgmoth giggled with glee. He also did this for a good 15 minutes.
'Um, my Lord.' Bob said 'Don't you have a list to make?'
Yawgmoth turned form the window. Since he had begun screwing with the weather, the land was in utter chaos. Flooding, freezing, 90degree weather. Yawgmoth walked away from the window, but not before waving his hand in front if it, causing the landscape to return to normal.
Yawgmoth crossed the room and sat down at his desk. On his desk was a computer, a phone, a coffee mug that read 'Evil and Loving It', a nameplate with 'Yawgmoth The Awesome' etched into it and an open notebook.
Yawgmoth pulled a pen out of thin air and began writing.
'Dear Santa, This year I have been very good.'
'Lord,' Bob said 'I don't think that he is STUPID.'
'What do you mean?' Yawgmoth asked.
'He DOES keep a list, sir.'
'Oh fine. I'll change it.'
'Dear Santa, This year I have been fairly good. For-'
'My Lord,' Bo cautiously said 'if your not honest now, he wont bring you ANYTHING.'
Yawgmoth sighed.
'Wait a second.' Yawgmoth said 'his last name is spelled like a legal contract. That gives me an idea.'
'Uh-oh.' Bob said.
'Dear Santa, This year I have been *very good. In light of this, I would appreciate the following for Christmas. Item 1, complete control of Dominaria. Item 2, Compete control over all plains. Item 3, new torture device. Item 4, new mask. Item 5, X-Box with vice City. Please help yourself to the plate of fresh cookies and gallon of Milk. -Yawgmoth.'
'My Lord,' Bob said 'I fail to see how you will get away with 'I have been very good."
Yawgmoth dropped down a few lines on the paper, and in very small writing wrote
'*In saying I have been good, I mean very evil. This states that I have NOT been good, but you will leave me stuff anyway. Ha ha.'
'Brilliant Lord Yawgmoth! Sheer brilliance!'
'I DO try.' Yawgmoth said, waving away the compliment 'But I'm not content yet.'
'Whatever do you mean?' Bob asked.
'I feel like I'm missing something.' He pulled a yo-yo out of his pocket and began playing with it. Bob stood in deep thought. After about two minutes, Bob snapped his claws together.
'I GOT it.' He said.
'What's that?' Yawgmoth asked 'the Flu?'
'No, you have yet to sing your trademark song for the season.'
Yawgmoth jumped to his 'feet'.
'Your right. Care to join me?'
'Like every year.' Bob dropped his pike and pulled an accordion out of his satchel. Together, music and lyrics reverberating off the room, they sang
'I'm getting nothing for Christmas. Xantcha and Gix are mad. I'm getting nothing for Christmas, because I aint been nothing but bad.'
They went on with all 12 verses, including
'I did a dance on mommy's plants, filled the sugar bowl with ants, somebody snitched on me.'
Well, needless to say, they went on for quite some time. If there were such a thing as time in the Wastes, they would have been singing for two days straight. As Yawgmoth went on singing his evil soul out, the Christmas spirit filled every heart, living and undead, thing on Dominaria and it's surrounding plains with joy.
And on every plain on the morning of December 25th, every voice and creature proclaimed
'Merry Christmas Dominaria!'
Authors note: Well, it was fun to write. I take Christmas seriously and though it fun to see how Dominaria and it's components celebrated it. Merry Christmas faithful readers, and happy New Year. -'Jose Philipe Mendola', USAF Airman 3rd class.