~*~ This is a really short fic from Wakaba's point of view, assuming that
at one point Utena loved Wakaba and Touga at the same time. (This is
obviously before she fell in love with Anthy.) Did Utena ever love Wakaba?
Did she ever love Touga? Who knows? In any case this is twisted, abstract,
and it probably doesn't make a damn bit of sense. This is not my best work,
obviously. All I can say is don't ask. I don't want to talk about it.
~*~
The Lamenting Maiden
~*~
I'm lost. I am sitting here in the dark; alone and trembling. I've created this fathomless abyss myself, from my own doubts and fears. My soul stretches out thinly and connects to pale ice fragments allowing a bitter stream of frozen morbidity to flow through my blood. I thought you cared for me; I thought I was your favorite person. Apparently I was mistaken. That man, that horrible red haired man has stolen your heart. I wanted to reside forever within its precious throbbing walls-but it is he whom you have chosen. What has he done? What has he ever done to deserve your love? I have always ever shown you true devotion. I make your lunch everyday. I walk with you to and from school. I am there whenever you have need of me. I have given you my heart. You're so absorbed in your red-crowned wonder that I wonder if I even exist to you anymore. Do I? Do you still love me? You'd be angry if I told you that I wanted to ask that question. You'd assure me that, yes, of course you still loved me. So why? Why aren't I good enough? Can't it just be you and me? I hate him. You know I do, but still this travesty of misery plays on. Will it never end? You have convinced yourself that you want him, that you need him; but do you really? Is he really that important? You told me once that you'd die if you couldn't be with him. Do you have any idea how that made me feel? All I can say is-I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, not special enough to make you happy. I wish I could. I wish for your happiness with all of my heart. I wish I could be the one to give it to you. Obviously I'm not. If I was, you wouldn't need him, would you? If I wasn't lacking in something you wouldn't need to pursue him, right? Maybe I'm wrong. And I guess it's not really such a big deal. Yes. I'm alright after all.
But.
But still, would it matter if I die? You say you couldn't live without his love, but what about my love for you? Could you live without that? Do you want to? Am I just holding you down? I can't bear to even think it. I'm not special, not like you. I could never carry that much significance in your life because I'm nothing worth fighting for after all. You deserve a shining star, not a dull rock offering only fragmented love. But.But still. I wonder if there will ever come a day when I will be important. I want to be. I want to give you the world, I want you to have everything. I want to shine. Yes. I love you, more than anything. Will you help me shine? Will I one day shine for you?
Say, Utena?
What?
//silence//
What's wrong?
No. It's nothing. I'm alright.
Are you sure?
Yes. Really. I'm fine.
I'm glad.
//silence//
But.
~*~
The Lamenting Maiden
~*~
I'm lost. I am sitting here in the dark; alone and trembling. I've created this fathomless abyss myself, from my own doubts and fears. My soul stretches out thinly and connects to pale ice fragments allowing a bitter stream of frozen morbidity to flow through my blood. I thought you cared for me; I thought I was your favorite person. Apparently I was mistaken. That man, that horrible red haired man has stolen your heart. I wanted to reside forever within its precious throbbing walls-but it is he whom you have chosen. What has he done? What has he ever done to deserve your love? I have always ever shown you true devotion. I make your lunch everyday. I walk with you to and from school. I am there whenever you have need of me. I have given you my heart. You're so absorbed in your red-crowned wonder that I wonder if I even exist to you anymore. Do I? Do you still love me? You'd be angry if I told you that I wanted to ask that question. You'd assure me that, yes, of course you still loved me. So why? Why aren't I good enough? Can't it just be you and me? I hate him. You know I do, but still this travesty of misery plays on. Will it never end? You have convinced yourself that you want him, that you need him; but do you really? Is he really that important? You told me once that you'd die if you couldn't be with him. Do you have any idea how that made me feel? All I can say is-I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, not special enough to make you happy. I wish I could. I wish for your happiness with all of my heart. I wish I could be the one to give it to you. Obviously I'm not. If I was, you wouldn't need him, would you? If I wasn't lacking in something you wouldn't need to pursue him, right? Maybe I'm wrong. And I guess it's not really such a big deal. Yes. I'm alright after all.
But.
But still, would it matter if I die? You say you couldn't live without his love, but what about my love for you? Could you live without that? Do you want to? Am I just holding you down? I can't bear to even think it. I'm not special, not like you. I could never carry that much significance in your life because I'm nothing worth fighting for after all. You deserve a shining star, not a dull rock offering only fragmented love. But.But still. I wonder if there will ever come a day when I will be important. I want to be. I want to give you the world, I want you to have everything. I want to shine. Yes. I love you, more than anything. Will you help me shine? Will I one day shine for you?
Say, Utena?
What?
//silence//
What's wrong?
No. It's nothing. I'm alright.
Are you sure?
Yes. Really. I'm fine.
I'm glad.
//silence//
But.