Sometimes we believe that things happen because we caused them to. Nothing could be further from the truth.
"It's not fair, Suoh, it's not fair." I buried my face into his coat, forcing those treacherous tears back down-- it wouldn't do for me to start bawling like a kid. I had a reputation to upkeep. I couldn't start crying, not now, not ever. No matter what happened.
So I kept my tears in check, though I didn't loosen my grip on his coat. Somehow, the roughness of his coat lapels beneath my fingers made me feel real. It hurt so bad to be real. Everything till now had felt so distant, so surreal, that I could almost believe that it had been nothing but a nightmare-- that Akira hadn't died, that he hadn't died because of me. But cruel as always, the truth loomed in front of me. Akira was dead. And it was all my fault.
It was simple, really. If I never existed, Akira would be still alive. Alive and safe. It was all my fault that he was gone. It was my fault for being Nokoru, for being targeted by that stupid assassination group. If I never existed, the group would never have gone to the council room on that fateful day. Never would they have aimed in my direction, causing Suoh to react by throwing one of his plentiful throwing knives. And the bullet would not have deflected, hitting the unsuspecting Akira. It was all my fault.
Suoh was berating himself bitterly for the entire affair. He believed that it was his fault-- that he ought to have reacted differently, that he should, perhaps, have thrown the knife a second earlier, before that wretched finger pulled at the trigger, or watched before he had thrown, giving Akira time to escape. But I knew better. All that-- and more-- happened because of me.
Had I not existed, Suoh would never even have needed to throw that knife. The assassins wouldn't even have had been there, period. Akira's death was my fault, just as Suoh's guilt was my doing. And yet here I was, still having the cheek to mourn for the loss of my friend cum treasurer, seeking comfort from the one whom I had caused so much grief. I was inhuman.
"It's not fair." I repeated, vehemence in my voice. "He didn't have to die." I left the rest of the sentence dangling in the air. That it should have had been me who lay motionless, dead.
As though reading my thoughts, he suddenly reached down and gathered me close in his arms. "Don't you ever wish yourself dead, Kaichou. Don't you ever wish that." He said fiercely, his eyes bright with unshed tears. Suoh was a ninja till the end-- ninjas never cried.
"None of this is your fault, you hear me? Do you understand? It .isn't .your. fault." He said the last in a staccato. "I should have been more careful," he half-whispered, barely aware that he had spoken out loud.
I couldn't stand it anymore. I pulled free and ran. It didn't matter that I knew that Suoh would catch up with me eventually; I just needed to get away. I had to get away from both the dead and the living, both of which were reminders to my sin-- that making friends was a mistake from the very beginning... a mistake which I had foolishly insisted on indulging in.
I was only vaguely aware of time passing. It had been afternoon when I had lingered at Akira's burial ground after the funeral; now, it was twilight. Amazing how time could slip by unnoticed. If only I had that same ability.
Without meaning to, I conjured up that familiar image-- the image of a certain blue-haired youth who had once made a promise to me. "I'll stay by your side, always." It was a promise which should never have been made, a promise which I should never have sealed with the careless "Ahh..." that I had uttered back then. I knew then what I had to do. For Suoh's sake, I had to nullify that promise, before it got him killed... just like how I had Akira to die in my place.
I walked out of the clearing, unsurprised to find Suoh waiting there for me. Given his athletic abilities, it was only a matter of time before he caught up with me. However, I felt grateful for the privacy he had given me. Had he lingered within my sight, I'm not sure I would have had made up my mind. Even now, watching him, I felt my resolve weaken.
Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I pushed aside that desire to reach out to him. For his safety, there was no other way. Silently, I began walking away. He followed.
Then, I steeled my heart. "Go away."
He stopped. "Kaichou..."
"Just... go. I don't want to see you ever again, you got me?"
"Kaichou..."
It wasn't working out the way I had imagined. "Just get away from me!" I hissed, racing towards home. When I looked back, he was nowhere to be seen.
I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. He had done what I had asked after all. So much for always. Laughing a little, I leaned against a tree, letting those tears from before rain down my cheeks.
It wasn't until I felt strong arms wrap around me, pulling me into a gentle, comforting hug that I noticed that he had melted out the darkness that he had blended into earlier. "I'll stay by your side, always," he repeated, the very same words he had uttered before. "No matter what you say, I'll be there beside you. Always."
Angrily, I pushed him away. "Don't you understand? There's no such thing as always! If you stay, you'd die too!"
"I'll die anyway, just as you will," he challenged
The words hit home. Like it or not, there was no way I could prevent Suoh from dying, any more than I could prevent my own death. Life was a cruel game-- we were born to die, and no matter what I did, I couldn't stop the people around me from dying.
"So let me choose how I want to die. Don't make that choice for me," he pleaded.
I merely nodded. Perhaps I would regret my decision someday, when he too was laid into the ground. But for now, I was content to leave things as they were.