Disclaimer: Hasn't changed....
A/N: Sorry, I had you guys waiting so long for this!! EeK!! Almost a month!! I was focusing on A Second Chance At Love. Since that one seemed to be the one most people were interested in... and then I put up The Feud... and well, you know, things got away from me...*_* I do apologize. ~*Duchess
Chapter10: Learning About The Past.
Kagome had no idea how long she sat at the table by herself, but she figured it was for some time since she could see the sun was high in the sky now, indicating it would be noon in a couple of hours. Kagome glanced at her watch and saw it was just after ten thirty. She didn't know when she'd arrived to breakfast, but she knew it was before ten o'clock, so she had to have been sitting here alone, lost in thought, for at least a half an hour.
She was trying desperately to think of someone she could ask about Sesshoumaru and what happened with his mother. She thought about asking Ayumi, but she had a feeling the servant girl had already told her everything she knew... and Kagome didn't really know any of the other servants, besides Jakin (whom she knew probably knew everything, but would tell her nothing) well enough to feel comfortable asking them about their master.
'Whom else could she ask??' she asked herself for the thousandth time. Kagome had a sinking feeling she'd have to try to get it out of Sesshoumaru and sighed heavily. That was going to be like pulling teeth from an alligator... difficult, scary, and sooo not fun!
Kagome thought some more, then she sat bone straight when she had an idea. She knew exactly whom she could ask! 'Inuyasha!' she thought and smiled to herself. After all, if the mother that died was Inuyasha's then surely he knew of her death...and, maybe, why Sesshoumaru believes he killed her.
'Now to find Inuyasha!' Kagome shut her eyes and stretched out her senses and aura, like Midoriko had taught her, to find his. Kagome's eyes popped open when she found him 'That's funny, he's not far away. Just across the field actually...' she said to herself. She wondered why he was sitting out there. Then shrugged it off as she jumped to her feet to go find her friend.
Kagome spun on her feet and used what little knowledge she had of the castle to find the front door. When she was but a few paces away from the outside, Kagome stopped walking when she heard a child's voice scream out her name.
"KAGOME-NEE-CHAN!!"
Kagome turned around just in time to see Rin before the little girl slammed into her legs.
"Hello Rin," Kagome smiled down at the top of the child's dark head. "How are you this morning?"
"Rin fine," she tilted her head back, never releasing the older girl's leg, and smiled up at her. "Rin wanted to know if Kagome-oneesan is leaving her today?"
"No, Rin I'm not leaving."
"Then where is Kagome going?" asked the little girl innocently.
"I'm going... to visit a friend," she answered. She didn't want the little girl to tell Sesshoumaru exactly which friend she was going to see, so she chose not to give the child Inuyasha's name. She didn't think the child would go running off to tell him, she just figured if he came looking for her and asked Rin, she wouldn't know not to tell him Inuyasha's name.
"Can Rin come too?"
"Ooh, not this time Rin," she smiled down at the little girl. She didn't think Sesshoumaru would like her taking the little girl with her... especially since she was going outside of the shield around the perimeter of his lands. "But, maybe next time okay?"
Rin's face fell when she was told she couldn't come, but immediately brightened when she was given a chance to go with her friend next time.
"YAY! Rin can go with oneesan next time!"
"Yes, you can Rin." Kagome smiled and tried to keep the grimace off her face. She had no idea if there would be a next time, and she had a funny feeling if there was that there'd be more than just Rin and herself going. "I have to go now, okay Rin? I'll see you in a couple of hours."
"Okay, Kagome-nee-chan. Rin go play and wait for you to come back," she smiled then released her arms from around Kagome's leg to walk away.
Kagome watched the girl leave. That's when she noticed the little green toad standing a few feet away. Jakin. She figured he must have been with the child when she came running to Kagome. Kagome's shoulders slumped... now, she knew Sesshoumaru was going to find out where she was going and whom she was going to see. 'So much for not telling Sesshoumaru.'
Then with a slight nod of her head in acceptance of the argument to come later, she turned around and left the home. She didn't sense the pair of amber eyes that were watching her leave.
Sesshoumaru watched her from the top of the stairs at the left. He'd heard her entire conversation with Rin and sighed inwardly. He could see that his ward was already attached to the girl. He knew that was going to make it even harder to get rid of her when the time came... if it came. 'If??' There is NO if; she would leave when he was through with her.
He figured she was going to find her friends. He knew Inuyasha and the others were just outside his shield. He'd meant to take care of that this morning, but had forgotten after having the little conversation he had with her this morning. At least he, has some small consolation that the stupid hanyou wouldn't be able to touch her... not through his shield.
Sesshoumaru walked away when she was out of his sight. He'd deal with her going to see the hanyou when she returned. He had no doubt she'd be back in a couple of hours; she wouldn't break her word to Rin.
He thought about what they talked about at breakfast. He knew she still didn't believe he killed his mother. Sesshoumaru stopped dead in his tracks when his heart flipped at that. He didn't know why it was, but he was glad she didn't believe it of him. Even if it was true... he was responsible.
'Will you stop with that, already?'
'Who are you?'
'I'm your...'conscience' for lack of a better word. Didn't think you had one, huh?'
Sesshoumaru ignored that though it was true; he didn't think he had one.
'You bring a human child into your home, treat her as if she was your own pup... AND YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE I EXIST!?!'
Sesshoumaru arched a brow at that... he had a point.
'So, where have you been all my life? No pun intended.'
'Smothered behind that wall you built to lock all emotions in! You, know, THE WALL!'
'Indeed. How are you here now?'
'Well, when you got knocked on your ass by that brother of yours' he ignored the growl from Sesshoumaru as he kept going, 'you know the day, when you met the child? Well, more than just your body took a beatin' that day. That damn wall of yours, my prison, came crashing down. Your grudging approval of the hanyou's growing skill did it. The little girl has helped with the rubble.'
'If you have been here all this time, why are you irritating me now with your incessant talking?
'I will ignore your choice of words. As for your questions; I'm here because one, you are taking a long swim in denial and two, because you are blaming yourself, us, for something that is not your fault. You've been doing it for so long, that its become bothersome... for me!'
Sesshoumaru ignored number one, he had a feeling he didn't want to hear what that was about, and moved right on to number two.
'And what, pray tell, am I blaming us for?' he questioned in a bored voice. 'If I am accepting responsibility, it must be our doing.'
'Not going to ask me about reason one, huh?' the voice snickered. 'No matter, it is for another time anyway. I will come back to it later though, have no doubt about that.'
'I don't.' he said in a clipped voice.
'Good. As for reason two; you have been blaming us for her death since it happened. Fifty-nine years! Fifty-nine loong years, since we are after all, dog demons!'
'I am responsible.'
'No you're not!! I would have said this before, if you didn't lock me up!'
'Hm. And you would have been wrong then, as you are now.'
'Sesshoumaru... You can't keep going like this. If you do, you won't have any family left... any blood family. You are already down to one.'
'Yes. That is the goal. You should know this.'
'I do. But, tell me this Sesshoumaru, what will you do then?'
'When?'
'When you have met your goal, when you have rid yourself of the hanyou, what will you do then? You've been focused on it, and only it, for so long. Do you even know?'
'Yes. Then I will be free of it all... and I will have no worries.'
'Really? You think so?' the voice sighed in defeat. 'How do you know you won't be opening a whole new batch of problems... problems that you won't be able to solve, because they really will be your fault?'
'Like what?'
Sesshoumaru waited a moment 'til he realized he wasn't going to get an answer. The voice had left as silently as it had come. Sesshoumaru shrugged to himself and continued walking. He stopped after taking three steps when he sensed his retainer.
"Jakin."
Jakin jumped at his master's quiet voice. He'd been watching Sesshoumaru fight with his conscience, but didn't know what was going on, because on the outside his master only looked to be lost in thought, as he stood there in the hall staring off into space like that. He didn't know his master had even realized he was there. He'd come to tell him the miko had left to go find her friends.
"Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama?" he squeaked.
"Inform me, when the girl returns."
"Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama." Jakin released a nervous breath when Sesshoumaru began to walk away. For a moment, he thought he was in trouble.
"And Jakin.
Jakin immediately sucked the breath back in as his eyes went wide with fear.
"Y-Yes, Ses-shou-shoumaru-sama?"
"Stay with Rin. Do not let her run off."
Jakin bowed his head in a mixture of relief and defeat. He wasn't sure if he was in trouble or not now, because that definitely sounded like a punishment to him
"Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama."
Sesshoumaru continued down the hall. He figured he could do with sometime in the dojo. He had some stress to release, before he saw the miko again.
**Outside the shield**
It had been simple work for Kagome to make a hole in Sesshoumaru's shield and seal it behind her as she stepped through. She hoped he didn't believe such tricks could hold her inside. She figured the shield must be something he always did, not something he did to imprison her. It was useless if it was; it had no hope of holding her.
Kagome spread her senses once more to find her friends. She immediately sensed Sango, Mirouku, Shippou and Kirara to her right and Inuyasha was off to her left. She thought about going to the taijiya and the others first, she really wanted to see her pup, Shippou, but she remembered she was on a mission. She'd see them later. After making that decision she turned to her left and followed Inuyasha's aura.
When Kagome saw him sitting on top of the cliff she immediately sensed his pain. 'He's hurting...inside,' she quickly began to worry as she moved closer to him.
"Inuyasha?"
Inuyasha jumped at the sound of her voice and turned to see her. He was relieved to see it wasn't some youkai out to kill him. He couldn't believe he didn't sense her coming, that he didn't smell her scent. It was the same as he remembered it; cherry blossoms and vanilla.
Inuyasha sat back down and turned his gaze back to the castle in the distance.
'It's my home too,' he'd yelled. 'No its not.'
'No its not. No its not. No its not. No its not. No its not. No its not. No its not.'
He couldn't believe Sesshoumaru had said that. His mind was still reeling from it as his brother's words echoed over and over in his head. It hurt... it hurt more than anything his brother had ever said or done. More than Sesshoumaru trying to take the Tetsusaiga from him, because this was worse; he was trying to take away Inuyasha's heritage.
Inuyasha felt a tear slide down his cheek and quickly wiped it away when he heard Kagome sit down beside him.
"Inuyasha what's wrong?"
He heard the concern in her voice and could see it in her dark eyes when he looked at her.
Kagome sucked in her breath when she saw the obvious pain her friend was in. This was the man she loved and would always love in some way. He was her first love and he was hurting. She wanted to help him, if she could. 'They're both hurting so much.'
When he didn't answer her, she persisted.
"Inuyasha, talk to me. Please."
"What for?" he asked dejectedly.
"Because I want to help."
"You can't. No one can."
Her heart broke at the hopelessness in his voice.
"Tell me anyway. I love you. I don't like to see you like this."
Inuyasha went still at her words. He slowly turned his head to stare into her eyes. 'Is it true?' Did she really love him, he wondered.
"You do?"
She could here the hope in his voice; the desperate need. 'Did he think no one loved him? That no one cared?' Ooh, she hoped not.
"Of course, I do. You were my first love Inuyasha. And even though you chose another over me I still care. I understand why... she was your first. I will always love you, and you will always have a place in my heart. Nothing can ever change that."
"So, if you had a choice between your first love, me, and a new one... you would chose me?"
She gave him a thoughtful look as she thought about his question and how to answer it.
"Well,' she sighed, "For the new love to be a competition it would have to be a stronger love, bond, then I have with you. And if that was the case, then... no, I don't think I'd chose... you. I'm sorry."
Inuyasha nodded at this. It was what he expected. He'd never imagine she'd get it wrong... like he did. "Don't be. Can I ask why?"
Kagome was glad he wasn't mad at her for what she'd just told him and gave him a small smile.
"Sure, its because you're my past Inuyasha. The choice would come down to me choosing between my past and a possible future. You could never be apart of my future... not in that way. We both closed the door on that a long time ago."
"And we can't re-open it," he stated.
"No.... we can't." she said softly in agreement.
"Too bad it took me dieing to figure that out."
She knew he was talking about Kikyou.
"You always were slow," she said with a smile as she rocked against him and nudged him with her shoulder to let him know she was joking.
When he gave her a half-hearted smile to let her know he didn't take offense she continued.
"Want to tell me?"
He knew she was asking him what happened down there. What happened with Kikyou.
"Nothing to tell really. We got there and I saw her for what she'd become and I told her I would not stay with her. I told her that while she will always be in my heart, she wasn't the Kikyou I fell in love with. I told her that that Kikyou died fifty years ago, and that she needed to move on just like I had." Inuyasha looked up to lock eyes with her before he continued, "I told her my heart belong to someone else now... to you."
Kagome's eyes widened with shock. She would have given anything to hear those words two years ago. Now, she would give anything to hear those words from his brother. 'OH MY GOD!' Did she just say that, she thought to herself in disbelief.
"Don't worry. I know it's not the same for you anymore."
Her mind snapped back when she heard him say that. Kagome decided to change the subject.
"What happened after that?"
"I was taken to some kind of waiting room. I had the feeling they didn't know what to do with me," he shrugged. "Then after a very long wait they told me I was to have my life back. Next thing I knew, I was digging myself out of the ground."
"Did they tell you why you were being sent back?"
"All they said was a loved one was not ready to let me go and had asked for my life to be restored to me."
"They didn't tell you who? Did you ask?"
He shucked his head before he spoke, "I just assumed it was you. I don't know anyone else who has the power to do that."
She nodded at that. It was a logical choice... the only problem was, she didn't do it. Sesshoumaru did. 'But, he doesn't know it.' Kagome didn't understand how that was possible. Someone obviously specifically asked for Inuyasha's life back. How could Sesshoumaru not remember doing that, she wondered. 'Maybe someone altered his memories... or maybe he did it inadvertently?' She didn't understand it.
"Hey Kagome?" he interrupted her thought process. "I know something is going on between you and Sesshoumaru. I saw him kiss you."
Kagome stared at him and waited for him to continue. She wasn't going to deny what he said.
"Are you in love with him?"
Kagome's eyes widened with surprise. She wasn't expecting that.
"I don't know,' she sighed. "I think I might be."
"Will you stop being my friend if Sesshoumaru told you too?"
Kagome could sense the worry he was trying to hide... and decided to answer his question instead of getting angry. Preposterous, though it was.
"I told you; nothing and no one can change how I feel for you. If Sesshoumaru ever loves me he will have to accept that you are apart of my life. Besides, I don't think he would do that."
"Yes he would. What does he care!? He doesn't have a heart!"
"YES HE DOES!" she said fiercely; her eyes glowing with a fuscia light in anger.
Inuyasha tensed at the glow in her eyes.
Kagome saw the astonished look on his face... and the fear. She took a deep breath and calmed down.
"Sorry," she blew out her breath. "Look Inuyasha I know you and Sesshoumaru have your...differences, but I know he cares. I was with him at a time when he'd lost everything. Trust me; he cares."
"Maybe he does... just not about me. He use too, but not anymore. But I never thought he hated me this much..."
"What? How much? What are you talking about Inuyasha?" she was confused, but she had a feeling she was not going to like what he said.
"He's trying to take away my heritage," he whispered. At the astonished look on Kagome's face, he decided to explain and told her what had happened yesterday... and what Sesshoumaru had said to him at the end of the fight. "I know he wanted the sword and I could understand that... he wants the power it holds, but to deny me where I come from... why?
Inuyasha turned his head away when he felt the hot prick of tears behind his eyes and tried to blink them away. He was tired of crying. "Why does he hate me?"
Kagome's face paled in disbelief. She couldn't believe Sesshoumaru would say that. That was crueler than she'd ever believed anyone could be to there own brother... half, or not. Kagome sighed when she heard his whispered question. She had no answer for him; she wished she did.
Kagome leaned her head on his shoulder to offer him comfort before she spoke.
"I don't know why he said that to you." She was damn sure going to find out though. "All I know is that he's hurting too. You may not believe it because he locked his emotions away a long time ago. To prevent this kind of hurt from happening again, I guess. But, in doing so, he also locked up whatever pain he was trying to get away from. He's feeling it... sometimes I don't think he ever stopped feeling it."
Inuyasha nodded at this. She was right, he was having a hard time believing it, but he'd learned to trust Kagome's instincts about people. So if she said Sesshoumaru was hurting, he'd believe her. 'But, why is he doing this to me?' he wondered. He decided to put the question to her.
Kagome thought for a moment; her head still on his shoulder. "Hm. Misery loves company?? I don't know."
He laid his head on hers for a moment before straightening back up.
"Can I help him?"
Kagome sat up and smile a radiant smile at him
"I can't believe you just offered to help your brother! I'm so proud of you Inuyasha!" she hugged him hard. Then she pulled back and locked eyes with him again, "But I have no idea how to help him."
"Helping him will probably help me."
Kagome sighed and stared at her hands in her lap as she thought about the two inuyoukais who she cared for a lot. She pulled her knees up to her chest as she mulled it over in her head. Then she remembered why she had come and turned her head to look at Inuyasha who'd turned back to stare at the castle.
Inuyasha was staring at the home he hadn't seen or been at in....'How long has it been?...53' Yes. Fifty-three years since he'd been here. It was still just as beautiful, as he remembered.
"Hey Inuyasha?"
Inuyasha came out of his musing when he heard her voice.
"What?" he asked as he turned to look at her.
"Can I ask you something?" at his nod she continued, "How did your mother die?"
"Why do you ask?"
"I'll explain in a minute. Could you tell me first?"
He looked at her for a moment in curiosity then shrugged and did as she asked.
"She was attacked by a bear youkai near the northern border of my father's lands. Not far from where the Lord of the Northern Lands area began. I was only nine at the time. Father and I were out hunting. Sesshoumaru was with her."
"Really? What did he say happened?"
"He couldn't tell us much. He was unconscious for three days while his body healed his extensive wounds. If mom had been a youkai, she would have survived her injuries too. And the same goes that if Sesshoumaru had been human he would have died. Father blamed himself for it."
Kagome gave him a look of utter horror.
"Why did he blame himself?"
"Because Father didn't check the perimeter by the northern border or he'd have known Suzuko had broken through." He saw the question in her eyes and continued. "Suzuko was the Lord of the Northern Lands third son. He was very large and very strong, but sadly something was not right with his mind. Touga, his father had always tried to keep him away from others, but that day he'd wandered. Though he'd beaten Sesshoumaru pretty bad, Sesshoumaru walked away alive... Suzuko did not."
Inuyasha sighed as he gazed back at the castle.
"When Sesshoumaru woke up he found out mom had died. He only told our Father what had happened. Sesshoumaru was different after that. Distant. Then when Father died a little over a year later, he just changed completely."
"How'd he change?"
"He used to play with me. He was always watching out for me, you know, because I was always getting into trouble. So many people wanted to kill the hanyou... to kill me. Well, after their deaths he still watched out for me, but he no longer played with me, or laughed or anything. He was all I had left and he treated me like he didn't want me around. I needed someone to talk to... and he didn't want to talk to me. He was just... cold. Anyway, I soon became use to it. That's how it was until I learned of the Shikon-no-Tama and Kikyou. Came up with my bright idea to become a full youkai and.... you know the rest."
"Hmm." Kagome nodded as she tucked all that he said to analyze later.
"Why the sudden interest?"
Kagome wondered if she should tell him about Sesshoumaru for a moment then decided to go ahead. Maybe Inuyasha could help her.
"Inuyasha... Do you know that Sesshoumaru blames himself for your mother's death?" At his look of surprise she told him what she was told by Ayumi and then what Sesshoumaru had told her this morning.
"Its not true. I saw her, after she was dead, when my father wasn't looking. Her body was so cut up. So was Sesshoumaru. I don't know why he says he killed her, but if there is one thing I know... it's that he didn't do it. He was only twelve and he tried to save her."
'My God, so young!' Kagome hadn't thought about how young Sesshoumaru had to have been at the time. No wonder his mind is warped!
"He cared about your mom, didn't he?"
"Yea," Inuyasha gave a small chuckle and a smile; the first he'd given the entire time she was there. "He acted like he didn't, but she knew. It was a kind of game between them. But whenever something happened he went to her first. You know, she was the one who taught him to read."
Inuyasha smiled at the memory and felt a tiny twinge in his heart. He still missed her.
"You've grown up a lot Inuyasha."
"Yeah, Hell does that to a person," he gave a half smile.
Kagome giggled as she got to her feet. She wiped off the butt of her dress then held a hand out to him.
"Come on. I want to see the others before I go back."
He grabbed her hand and let her help him up; not that he needed it. He watched her thread her arm through his as they walked to join the others.
"Don't worry Inuyasha. I'll get your home back for you, you'll see."
Inuyasha stared at her. He had a feeling that she just might do it too.
** Later At the Campsite**
"Well, you guys I have to go. I promised Sesshoumaru I wouldn't leave, not yet."
"Okay, Kagome."
"Will we see you soon?" asked Sango.
Kagome turned to the girl who'd become like a sister to her and smiled.
"Of course, you will!"
"Do you have to go Kagome-okaasan?"
"Yes, Shippou," she smiled at the kitsune as he hoped into her arms. "I also promised Rin I'd come back."
"That's the little girl, right?"
"Um hm. She's a sweet child. I don't want to break my word to her." 'To either of them' she added to herself.
"Alright Kagome. You take care and if you need us, we'll be right here," said the monk with a smile as he moved closer to her.
"Can I go with you Kagome?" asked Shippou hopefully.
Kagome smiled at his upturned face and couldn't say no.
"Sure, Shippou yo-" she stopped suddenly then swiftly turned her head to stare at Mirouku. She purposefully made her eyes glow as she looked at him. "If your hand gets any closer to my ass Mirouku, you're gonna lose it for good!"
Mirouku saw her eyes, heard her warning, and stopped his hand an inch away from her butt. He took two steps back as he put his hands in the air in a motion of peace.
Sango sighed and rolled her eyes then she smacked the houshi in the back of his head with her boomerang.
"Stupid hentai monk!"
Kagome giggled. It was nice to see some things never changed she thought. She looked down at the unconscious monk and almost laughed at the goofy grin on his face.
"Imagine them married," said Inuyasha with a shake of his head.
Kagome did bust out laughing then when she saw the deep blush on Sango's cheeks. After she pulled herself together Kagome made her goodbyes and left to return to the castle. She still carried Shippou in her arms.
Kagome opened a hole in Sesshoumaru's barrier once more and closed it behind her and Shippou. She stopped to look up at the castle for a moment.
"Is everything okay, Kagome okaasan?"
Kagome looked down at him and smiled, "Yea, Shippou. Everything's fine."
She took a deep breath and released it as she prepared herself mentally for the fight she knew was coming. Then she started walking once more in the direction of the castle.
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Review Responses: Thank you to everyone who reviewed! I'm sorry I haven't updated this recently! And thanks to those who sent me emails telling me to get off my butt and update! LOL I appreciate it! ~*Duchess