Trying to move on Chapter four, an angel fanfic

A/N : Hi sorry it took so long to update. But like I said had to take a test, and I did so now I will update more often. Thank you to everyone who reviewed. It means a lot to me.

A/N : I am not sure if during Sanctuary Tara and Willow were an item or were still just friends. In my universe they are just friends . . . I am not sure if I want Willow and Tara together or with different pairings. So review and tell me what you would like to see. Well anyway Cordelia met Tara when she was in the hospital in a Sunnydale after Lovers Walk .Cordelia doesn't know that Tara is connected to the Scooby gang now .

A/N : Thank to my betta reader alexandra .

Chapter One : The trial .

"Hello Tara." said Cordelia .She knew that she was taking a hell of a risk by calling someone from Sunnydale. After all Angel made it perfectly clear that he didn't want anyone from Sunnydale knowing about his plans -meaning Buffy. Cordelia understood where he was coming from, she could still feel his pain at his ex words .Still Cordelia was kind of surprised about the way Angel acted instead of doing nothing but brooding -and honestly Cordelia liked it. She could definitely get used to this Angel.

"Cordy is that you?" asked Tara .

"Yeah,it's me. How are you?" asked Cordelia . Her and Tara met at the hospital after Xander cheated on her. They became close friends ,and after Cordelia moved to L.A. and Tara stayed in Sunnydale they still stayed in touch .

" I'm good. Its been a long time. How are you?" replied Tara .

" I'm good. Working with a vampire with a soul/private investigator on the super natural. Oh and I now have visions. Flashes from the P.T.B of people in trouble that my boss needs to save or help. But anyway how is college life? Still practicing Wicca? " asked Cordelia trying to find right time to ask Tara .

"College is good and yeah I still practice Wicca. Cordelia how can I help you?" asked Tara knowing her friend needed her help .

"You know me too well don't you?" said Cordelia with a chuckle .

" Ok, here's the deal. Remember I told you, I worked with a vampire with a soul?" asked Cordy

" Yeah" replied Tara

" Well he was cursed by gypsies, hundred or so years ago. The problem is the curse has a loophole. He cant ever feel true and perfect happiness if he does ,he'll lose his soul and believe me we don't want that to happen. There is little that is worse than Angelus, Angel's alter ego ." concluded Cordelia .

" I understand Cor. But how can I help you?" Asked Tara .

" Well," said Cordelia "Angel decided to get rid of the loophole. We found a spell, well more like a spell for the trial and we need some one strong in magic to cast it. I was wondering if you could do it?" Cordelia asked.

After a moment of thought Tara replied " Yeah. I'll help you, just tell me when"

"Thank God " Cordelia breathed a sign of relief. "The sooner the better " she said answering Tara's question.

"I'll tell you what " said Tara " I can be in L.A. tomorrow around twelve pm. Just tell me where to meet you."

" Oh. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me. I own you one "

After Tara and Cordelia exchanged the needed information and a small chit chat, the girls hung up and Cordelia went to sleep. She already knew that tomorrow would be a hard day.

* ___------------------------------------------------------------------------------------___*

Next day when Cordelia came to the office she found Angel sleeping in his office. Not wanting to disturb him yet Cordelia closed the door, and quietly busied herself around the office .

After a while Angel came out of his office. His clothes were wrinkled, and his eyes red after so little sleep after weeks of research .

"Hey " Angel greeted Cordy.

"Good morning " replied Cordelia

"When did you come in? I didn't hear you " asked Angel

" Oh, I was really quiet and not that long ago" said Cordelia

"Oh-and-by-the-way-i-called-a-friend-from-sunnyhell-to-help-with-the-spell-she-doesnt-know-the-scooby-gang-or-anyone-who-might-know-them-areyoum-ad?" said Cordelia on one breath so fast Angel almost didn't catch what she had said.

Angel stood quiet for a few moments. He wasn't sure how to react to the new information, Angel didn't know how to feel. He loved Buffy so much, he left her so she could be with someone who could give her all the things he couldn't. He gave up his humanity so she could live and be happy even if it was with someone else, but he never expected her to rub it into his face. It had hurt him, and betrayed him, but the thing that stung the most was that she knew what she said would hurt him, she had said it to hurt him. He wanted to move on...like she did, or at least as much as he could. So was he mad at Cordelia? Well the answer was, as long as Buffy didn't know he was good, and he told Cordy so. Of course Cordy was glad .

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Tara arrived earlier than expected. She was shy and at the beginning uncomfortable, but as soon as discussion was involved with magic, that changed. By the time Wesley came they were already done. He had left again to get supplies for the spell. While he was out Wesley thought a lot about the previous year and a half that he had come to know Angel.

When he was in Sunnydale he thought of him nothing more but a vampire, who just so happened to be in a relationship with a slayer. He knew and admitted to himself that if back in Sunnydale, if he was given a choice of dusting Angel, he would have done it . But his perspectives changed since then, being fired by the Watchers Council, seeing how much Buffy cared for Angel, coming to L.A. as a rough demon hunter, being befriended by Angel and Cordelia changed him in the ways he never thought possible. Angel had become a dear friend to him and he wished that his friend would find some resemblance to peace .

They agreed to do the spell the next day, after everyone got some rest and sleep, especially Angel who would have to go through trials, and Tara who had some serious mojo to do.

___------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------___

Angel was in his bed, thinking, he couldn't help but think about the last couple of weeks. How his un-life had changed, since Buffy came to L.A., and since they had their argument. Buffy, she was the reason he was going to go through with the trial, to anchor his soul. He couldn't believe how things turned out between them. He couldn't believe things turned out this way, but then again many things didn't turn out the way he thought they would. His whole life or un-life for example, when he met Darla, when he got his soul for the first time, when he met Whistler, when Buffy and him took next step in their relationship, when he lost his soul after experiencing a moment of perfect happiness, having his soul restored for the second time, his time in a hell dimension, coming back, wanteing to kill himself, when he left Buffy,when he came to L.A. and met Doyle (Rest in peace Glenn Quinn) meeting Cordelia again, having a purpose for helping the helpless, him turning human and then giving up so Buffy would live, and now he could add Buffy and his relationship to the list. He always thought they would at least have friendly relationship, maybe be friends suddenly words once spoken by Spike came into his mind .

"You're not friends you'll never be friends . You'll love and shag and you'll hate each other 'till it makes you quiver ,but you will never be friends . Love isn't brains children ,its blood screaming inside of you to work it's will ."

Angel never realized how accurately those words described Buffy and him. Funny, he always thought that if he ever could make his soul permanent it would be because of Buffy. Well he was right, he was anchoring his soul because of her, but not for the reasons he thought he would H e made it his goal to make his soul permanent, because of what she told him, how much she hurt him. Those words still rang in his mind.

"You know what makes it different? I trust him , I know him."

Angel wanted to laugh histericly and at the same time cry his heart out . Angel fell asleep thinking about the irony of the situation .

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The next day everyone was back in the office, bright and early in the morning. Tara looked concentrated on the spell, while Angel looked relaxed, to the strangers eyes, but those who knew him could see that he was still hurting. The first part of the morning was spent preparing the spell (Tara, and Wesley ), while Angel was in his office, "reading" the book where Buffys picture was, that's when Cordelia came in .

"Hey" Cordelia said.

"Hey" Angel replied while closing his book.

C: "How are you?"

A : "Fine "

Angel knew what she wanted to talk about, but he didn't want to talk about that something. He had a feeling that Cordelia wouldn't leave him alone if he told her that.

C : " Define the word fine "

A : "Fine as in I don't want to talk about it "

C : "Sure you don't "

A : "So your not going to leave me alone are you?" Angel asked with a small smile on his face .

C : " Not a chance " said Cordelia returning his smile, with her own .

A: "I can't convince you?" asked Angel

C : "Give it up Mister " said Cordelia smirking .

Angel chuckled. Cordelia fully came into the office and sat down .

"So, what do you want to know ?" asked Angel .

"Nothing " Cordelia replied standing up and walking around the room .

Angel gave her a look, that said I don't believe you .

" Okay, Okay " said Cordelia as she rolled her eyes.

" I just wanted make sure that you want to do this. I mean we can always find another spell, and if we don't we always have this one. I'm sure Tara wouldn't mind - -"

Cordelia was cut short by Angel " I'm sure "

"I just don't want you to get hurt " said a worried Cordelia

" I know," said Angel "and I wont " Angel sais assuring her. Cordelia nodded, excepting his answer even though she knew that he couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't get hurt .

"Just tell me one thing and be honest . Why do you want to make your soul permanent I mean I get why now, but I have a feeling that there is more to the reason than what she told you in the station " asked Cordelia

Cordelia picked up the book that Angel had in his hands few minutes ago and started flipping through it.

Angel sighed. "You're right there is more to it, than her last visit." Cordelia looked him in the eyes prompting him to continue.

" Cordy" said Angel " For 100 years I brought destruction wherever I went. then for 100 years I seized to exit, crazed, maddened with guilt. Then I met her "

Cordelia sat quietly listening .

"She was my light, my sun. I never felt anything like it. In my 245 years I had loved only one woman. I loved her so much, I lost my soul." Said Angel in a horse voice. Continuing he said

"Even after 500 hundreds years in Hell, I still loved her. I remembered her long after I forgot myself. When I left her, in Sunnydale, it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, thrown across the room and broken into hundred pieces." He took an unneeded breath before he continued "What she told me at the station was like a knife in my back. God knows how much it hurt to hear her say those things." Angel chuckled "but she knew how much those things she said would hurt me, and that why she said it "

Angel closed his eyes before continuing "But I never stopped loving her. Never. Not even for a second. No matter how angry or mad I was at her or how much she had hurt me with her words. God even when I w as Angelus I felt for her."

Cordelia looked at him I shock, her mouth hanging open, eyes blinking . "What?" she asked in disbelieve .

Angel looked at her and said "Cordelia, did you ever wonder, why Angelus never took the next step with her, then suddenly decided to suck the world into hell?"

Cordelia shook her head "Angel, what's your point ?" she asked

"My point is," said Angel "Even Angelus loved her in his own twisted way, and he hated it. The way it made him feel."

"So then why was he so much with the stalking and all?"

"Like I said he loved her, but he hated the feeling. He hated even the idea of it, but yet he didn't want to kill her. If he did he could have done it a million times, her bedroom at night for example, but he didn't because he wanted to break her, not kill her, and when he couldn't he decided to end the world"

Angel could feel guilt wash over him as he talked about what happened when he lost his soul, added with Angelus's rage at Angels words, and that he was actually telling them to somebody .

Cordelia looked at him and then asked "Angel can I ask you a question?" when Angel nodded she asked "Why did you live not the popular version, but the real reason?"

Angel signed , closed his eyes and then said "Her mother, she came to the mansion and told me that there were some hard decisions ahead, and that I would have to make them, she said that she just hoped I loved Buffy enough to make them."

"So basically she told you to leave Buffy ." Cordelia replied

Angel nodded and whispered "Yeah."

"But what about the other reason?" asked Cordelia

"We were close to losing control. Too close. We could have kidded ourselves all we wanted, but facts are facts it would have happened."

Cordelia nodded in understanding "But why didn't you do the spell then?" she asked

Angel shrugged "I thought about it, but I couldn't do it at that time. This spell is for the warriors of the light, warriors to the powers that be"

"So why now?"

"Its time for me to move on " answered Angel.

Cordelia nodded, and opened the book, to the part where she knew Buffy's picture was .

She looked at the picture then into Angels eyes.

"But to move on you have you have to let go of the past. Not to stop caring, not to forget it, just don't let it hold you back. Let it be what it is the past past, to move on you just have to let go." she said in a quiet voice .

She put the book with the picture back, from where she took it. Cordelia looked at angel one more time before she left the office .

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A/N So what do you think ? Part two coming soon . The more review the sooner you have .

I just wanted to thank everyone who reviewed this story so far .Thank you ,for your support and I appreciate all your idea and suggestions , I will try to use a much of them as I can in this story . For those of you who read my other story I luv u , I try not to but I cant stop . It seems that I hit an authors block , I have ideas for the story but it seems that I just cant write confrontation between scoobies and Buffy and buffys mother , so if you have any suggestions please e-mail me .thanks don't forget to review .My e-mail is x_identaty@yahoo.com .

----- Original Message -----

From: Lyaman Izm

To: g2luvmeeh143@optonline.net

Sent: Tuesday, December 02, 2003 6:32 PM

Subject: Hi its me , x_identaty , sorry it took me so long

hi its me , sorry took so long to write this chapter , but my life has been hectic and i was under a lottttttt of stress , but everything is starting to get back to normal and i will try write next chapter soon , anyway i got writers block on my other story so any ideas will help , and thnks a lot for proofing my stories

x_identaty Thnks bye , Hope you like new chapter

ps : i dint know if you wam=nted me to put your real name or ......for my betta reader , so put whoever you want to be know as .

A/N : Hi sorry it took so long to update. But like I said had to take a test, and I did so now I will update more often. Thank you to everyone who reviewed. It means a lot to me.

A/N : I am not sure if during Sanctuary Tara and Willow are an item or still just friends. In my universe they are just friends . . . I am not sure if I want Willow and Tara together or with different pairings. So review and tell me what you would like to see. Well anyway Cordelia met Tara when she was in the hospital in a sunny dale after Lovers Walk .Cordelia doesn't know that Tara is connected to Scooby gang now .

A/N : Thank to my betta reader ----------- .

Chapter : The trial .

" Hello Tara" said Cordelia .She knew that she was taking a hell of a risk by calling someone from Sunny Dale .After all Angel mad it perfectly clear that he didn't want anyone from Sunny Dale knowing about his plans -meaning Buffy. Cordelia understood where he was coming from . She still could feel his pain at his ex words .Still Cordelia was kind of surprised about the way Angel acted instead of doing nothing but brooding -and honestly Cordelia liked it .she could defiantly get used to this Angel.

" Cordy is that you?" asked Tara .

" Yeah ,it's me . How are you?" asked Cordelia . Her and Tara met at the hospital after Xander cheated on her .They became close friends ,and after Cordelia moved to L.A. and Tara stayed in Sunny Dale they still stayed in touch .

" I'm good . Its been a long time . How are you ?" replied Tara .

" I'm good . Working with a vampire with a soul /private investigator on super natural .Oh and I now have visions . Flashes from the P.T.B of people in trouble that my boss needs to save or help. But anyway how is collage life ?Still practicing Wicca ? " asked Cordelia ,trying to find right time to ask Tara .

"Collage is good and yeah I still practice Wicca .Cordelia how can I help you?" asked Tara knowing her friend needed her help .

" You know me too well ,don't you ?" said Cordelia with a chuckle .

" O.k ,here is the deal .Remember I told you , I worked with a vampire with a soul ?" asked Cordy

" Yeah" replied Tara

" Well he was cursed by gypsies ,hundred or so years ago. The problem is ,the curse has a loophole . He cant ever fell true and perfect happiness if he does ,he will loose his soul and believe me we don't want that to happen . There is little that is worse than Angelus ,Angels alter ego ." concluded Cordelia .

" I understand Cor . But how can I help you ?" Asked Tara .

" Well" said Cordelia " Angel decided to get rid of the loophole .we found the spell , well more like a spell for the trial and we need some one strong in magic to cast it .I was wondering if you could do it?"

Asked Cordelia .

After a moment of thought Tara replied " Yeah . I'll help you ,just tell me when"

" Thank God " Cordelia breathed a sign of relief " The sooner the better " she answered Tara's question .

" I'll tell you what " said Tara " I can be in L.A. tomorrow around twelve pm . Just tell me where to meet you ."

" Oh . Thank you so much . You have no idea how much this means to me . I own you one "

After Tara and Cordelia exchanged the needed information and a small chit chat The girls hung upland Cordelia went to sleep . She already knew that tomorrow would be a hard day .

* ___------------------------------------------------------------------------------------___*

Next day when Cordelia came to the office she found Angel sleeping in his office .Not wanting to disturb him yet , Cordelia closed the door ,and quietly busied herself around the office .

After a while Angel came out of his office . His cloth were wrinkled and he had red eyes after so little sleep after weeks of research .

" Hey " Angel told Cordy .

" Good morning " replied Cordelia

"When did you come in ? I didn't hear you " asked Angel

" Oh , I was really quiet and not that long ago" said Cordelia

"Ohandbythewayicoldafriendfromsunnyhelltohelpwiththespellshedoesntknowscoobygangoranyonewhomightknowthemareyoumad?" said Cordelia on one breath so fast Angel almost didn't catch what she

said .

Angel stood quite for a few moments . He wasn't sure how to react to the new information .Angel didn't know how to feel . He loved Buffy so much . He left her so she could be with someone who could give her all the things he couldn't .He gave up his humanity so she could live and be happy even if it was with someone else .but he never expected her to rub it into his face . It hurt him ,betrayed him . But the thing that stung the most was that she knew what she said would hurt him , she said it to hurt him .He wanted to move on ... like she did . Or at list as much as he could .So was he mad at Cordelia ? Well the answer was as long as Buffy didn't know, he was good ,and he told Cordy so .She was glad .

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Tara arrived earlier than expected .She was shy and at the beginning uncomfortable ,but as soon as discussion was involved with magic ,that changed .By the time Wesley came they were already done . He was out to get supplies for the spell .While he was out Wesley thought a lot about previous year and a half he knew Angel .

When he was in Sunnydale he thought of him nothing more but a vampire ,who just so happened to be in a relationship with a slayer .He knew and admitted to himself that if back in Sunny dale he was given a choice of dusting Angel, he would have done it .But his perspectives changed since then .Being fired by the watchers council , seeing how much Buffy cared about Angel . Coming to L.A. as a rough demon hunter ,being befriended by Angel and Cordelia changed him in the ways he thought were impossible .Angel became dear friend to him and he wished that his friend would find some resemblance to piece .

They agreed to do the spell the next day ,after everyone would get some rest and sleep , especially Angel who would have to go through trials ,and Tara who has some serious mojo to do.

___------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------___

Angel was in his bed , thinking ... He couldn't help , but think about the last couple of weeks. How his un life changed ,since Buffy came to L.A. , and their argument . Buffy ... she was the reason he was going to go through with the trial , to anchor his soul .He couldn't believe how things turned out between them .He couldn't believe things turned out this way , but then again many things didn't turn out the way he thought they would .His whole life was example : when he met Darla ,when he got his soul for the first time , when he met Whistler ,when Buffy and him took next step in their relationship ,when he lost his soul after experiencing a moment of perfect happiness ,getting his soul back for the second time , his time in hell , coming back , when he wanted to kill himself , when he left Buffy ,when he came to L.A. and met Doyle Rest in peace Glenn Quinn meeting Cordelia , having a purpose helping the helpless ,him turning human and then giving up so Buffy would live ,and now he could add Buffys and his relationship to the list .He always thought they would at least have friendly relationship ,maybe be friends suddenly words once spoken by Spike came into his mind .

Angel never realized how accurately those words described Buffy and him .Funny . He always thought that if he ever would make his soul permanent it would be because of Buffy . Well he was right , he was anchoring his soul because of her ,just not for the reasons he thought he would .He made it his goal to make his soul permanent , because of what she told him , how much she hurt him . Those words still rang in his mind .

" You know what makes it different? I know him , I trust him."

Angel wanted to laugh histericly and at the same time cry his heart out . Angel fell asleep thinking about the irony of the situation .

__________----------------------------------------------------------------______________------

The next day everyone was back in the office bright and early in the morning .Tara looked concentrated on the spell ,while Angel looked relaxed ,to the strangers eyes , but those who knew him could see that he was hurting still . The first part of the morning was spent preparing the spell (Tara , Wesley ) , while Angel was in his office , "reading" the book where Buffys picture was ,;when Cordelia came in .

C: "hey"

A: "Hey" said Angel closing the book .

C: " How are you ?"

A : " Fine "

Angel knew what she wanted to talk about , bot he didn't want to talk about that something , but he had a feeling that Cordelia wouldn't leave him alone if he told her that .

C : " Define ^Fine^ "

A : " Fine as in I don't want to talk about it "

C : " Sure you don't "

A : " So you are not going to leave me alone are you ?" Asked Angel with a small smile on his face .

C : " Not a chance " said Cordelia returning his smile , with her own .

A: ". You I can't convince you ?" asked Angel

C : " Give it up Mister " said Cordelia smirking .

Angel chuckled .Cordelia fully came into the office and sat down .

A : " So , what do you want to know ?" asked Angel .

C : " Nothing " said Cordelia , standing up and walking around the room .

Angel gave her a look , — the that said I don't believe you .

C : " O.K. , O.K. " said Cordelia as she rolled her eyes ." I just wanted make sure that you want to do

this .I mean we can always find another spell ,land if we don't we always have this one .I'm sure Tara wouldn't mind ......."

Cordelia was cut short Angel said : " I'm sure "

C : " I just don't want you to get hurt " said Cordelia

A : " I know ," said Angel " and I wont " Cordelia nodded .excepting his answer even though she knew that he couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't get hurt .

C : "Just tell me one thing and be honest . Why do you want to make your soul permanent , I mean I get why now , but I have a feeling that there is more to the reason than what she told you in the station " asked Cordelia

Cordelia picked up the book that Angel had in his hands few minutes ago and started flipping through it.

Angel signed . " You're right there is ore to it than her last visit ." Cordelia looked him in the eyes prompting him to continue .

A : " Cordy" said Angel " For 100 years I brought destruction wherever I went . Then for 100 years I seized to exit , Crazed- maddened with guilt .Then I met her "

Cordelia sat quietly listening .

A : " She was my light , my sun .I never felt anything like it . In my 245 years I loved only one woman . I loved her so much , I lost my soul ." Said Angel in a horse voice .

A : " Even after 500 hundreds years in Hell and I still , loved her . I remembered her long after I forgot myself . When I left her , in Sunnydale , it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest , thrown across the room and broken into hundred pieces ." he took unneeded breath before he continued " what she told me at the station was like a knife to my back .God knows how much it hurt to hear her say those things ." Angel chuckled " but she knew how much what she said would hurt me , that why she said it "

Angel closed his eyes before continuing " But I never stopped loving her . Never .Not for a second . No matter how angry or mad I was at her , or how much hurt I was by her words .God even when I w as Angelus I felt for her "

Cordelia looked at him I shock , her mouth hanging open , eyes blinking . " What ? " she asked in disbelieve .

Angel looked at her and said " Cordelia , did you ever wonder , why Angelus never took the next step with her , then suddenly decided to suck the world in to hell ? "

Cordelia shook her head " Angel what your point ?" she asked

" my point is " said Angel "Even Angelus loved her in his own twisted way . And he hated it , the way it made him feel "

" So then why was he so much with the stalking and all ?"

"Like I said he loved her , but he hated the feeling , he hated even idea of it , but yet he didn't want to kill her , if he did he could have done it a million times . Her bedroom at night for example , but he didn't because he wanted to brake her , not kill her , and when he couldn't he decided to end the world"

Angel could feel guilt wash over him as he talked about what happened when he lost his soul , added with Angeluses rage at Angels words and that he was actually telling them to somebody .

Cordelia looked at him and then asked " Angel can I ask you a question ?" when Angel nodded she asked " Why did you live not the popular version , but the real reason ?"

Angel signed , closed his eyes and then said " her mother , she came to the mansion and told me that there some hard decisions ahead and that I would have to make them , she said that she just hoped I loved Buffy enough to make them "

So basically she told you to leave Buffy " said Cordelia

Angel nodded and whispered " Yeah "

"But what the other reason " asked Cordelia

" we were close to losing control . Too close . We could have kidded ourselves all we wanted but facts are facts it would have happened "

Cordelia nodded in understanding . " But why didn't you do the spell then ? " she asked

Angel shrugged " I thought about it , but I couldn't do it at that time . This spell weir enough I s for the warriors of the light , warriors to the powers that be "

"So why now ? "

" Its time for me to move on " answered Angel .

Cordelia nodded ,and opened the book , to the part where she knew Buffys picture was .

She looked at the picture then into Angels eyes .

" But to move on you have you have to let go of the past . Not to stop caring ,not to forget it ,just not let it hold you back , let it be what it is past .to move on you have to let go " she said in a quiet voice .

She put the book with the picture back , from where she took it , looked at angel one more time before she left the office .

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A/N So what do you think ? Part two coming soon . The more review the sooner you have .