Chapter 1 - Breaking Free
The darkness surrounded him, engulfed him, and trapped him inside his own head. Trapped him with his guilt, grief, and the treachery of his own mind.
Dumbledore had sent him back to the Dursleys to be alone with himself. He may be safe from Voldemort here, but he was never safe from himself, nor his guilt. Sirius was dead because of him. The only person he'd ever considered family was DEAD! He took Sirius's death harder than finding out the truth about his parents because he hadn't known them.
Thoughts swirled; they turned to grief, which turned to anger, which turned to fear. He was grieving Sirius's death and he was angry with himself for his reckless behaviour. But mostly he was scared. Yes, Harry was scared, terrified even. Of Voldemort, of death and life. He had always had been tough on the outside saying Voldemort's name aloud, covering up what he felt inside. Inside Harry Potter was a mess, a wreck of emotions and memories, only hanging on a thread. Sirius's death was the last straw and the string was cut. Everything Harry had been holding in his entire life, rose from the darkest depths of his soul. It rose to torment him and drive him insane. If he opened his eyes all he could see was swirling colours of black and grey. But when he closed them, he saw Sirius fall through the veil over and over again.
Harry didn't know how much time had passed since he had arrived back at the Dursleys. It could have been hours, days, and weeks for all he cared. Harry no longer cared about anything anymore. He hadn't showered in days and he couldn't remember the last time he was hungry. He just spent days sitting a corner of his room staring at the blank wall, fighting wars with himself.
"It wasn't my fault. It was an accident!"
"Of course it was my fault! Why didn't I open the mirror sooner?"
"If I hadn't gone to the ministry, Voldemort would have found someway to get the prophecy and I prevented him from hearing it."
"It doesn't matter now. Sirius is dead and it's my entire fault. I don't deserve to live."
"But I have to, don't I? I have to save the world and be the great hero for everyone to worship."
"I should go and find Voldemort. So he can finish this once and for all."
"I can't. I have to keep on trying. I can't give up after one failure. I have to save my friends."
"But, I can just end it all now and leave them to deal with it."
"Shut up! Shut up!" Harry screamed clutching his head. His hair was dirty and greasy under his hands but he didn't care. He wanted to end it, to end it all. He ignored the nasty little voice inside him that told him he couldn't even that. But Harry had to see, he just had to see exactly how much control he had over his own life. He walked towards the door with resolution. Let himself free. He hesitated before proceeding to the bathroom. He locked the bathroom door and slouched back against it. Harry took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair again. He stood up straight and made his way towards the bathtub. He turned the cold tap on and put in the plug. Then he turned around and opened the mirror cabinet above the sink. Harry shuffled through the contents knocking over several bottles until he found a clean shaver.
With shaking hands he somehow managed to pull the blade out of the plastic. He looked at it for awhile the words ...and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives... running through his head and he knew he had to do it he had to see exactly how much control he had over his own life. He eventually ran the blade down his palm to make sure it was sharp. The contact between the blade and his flesh left a thin red line on his hand. The blood ran over his palm through the lines on his hand. There was something refreshing about the pain and the blood. The physical pain almost took away the mental pain, almost, but not quite.
Harry slowly peeled his shirt off with some difficulty because he had broken out into a sweat that made his clothes cling. The tub was full so Harry turned off the tap, looking at his reflection in the icy water. The tips of his raven black hair brushed the surface of the water as he leant forwards mesmerized by the brightness of his own eyes. He blinked a few times trying to focus on what he was about to do. He put one foot into the water, letting his pants get soaked. Slowly he put his whole foot in, feeling shocked by the cold of it.
Trying to ignore the little voice in his head that said it wouldn't work, he put his other foot in and lowered to a half sitting, half lying position. His black pants felt heavy as they filled with the icy water.
Harry knew it was a cowardly thing to do and he wasn't even sure if it would work, but he had to know. He had to know whether or not he had complete control over his life.
He was shaking uncontrollably and now, like so many other things in his life that were uncontrollable, he couldn't stop shuddering. Harry didn't know whether he was shivering because of the cold or his task. He picked up the razor blade and had to fight the shudders to hold it straight. He examined his wrists looking for the vein that would release him.
His body was gone numb from the cold water. Before he could stop them, silent tears rolled down his cheeks. Harry didn't ask for this, he didn't enjoy being The Boy Who Lived. He knew that many people were jealous of him, but did they really want to be him?
Harry swiftly dragged the blade down his left wrist, crying out quietly even though it didn't hurt that much. Then he dragged the razor down his right wrist. He started to get a few doubtful thoughts but drove them away quickly.
He watched his blood seep out of his cuts, dying the water red. Suddenly he heard a thump on the bathroom door.
"Harry? Hurry up you prat!?" Dudley whine impatiently.
Harry just ignored him. Out seeped the blood. He dropped the blade and watched it float to the bottom of the tub. The water all round his wrists was splashed with red.
There were more thumps on the door. "Hurry up! I need to go! Harry? Are you in there??" Dudley called again but Harry ignored him.
Minutes passed and Harry's head began to spin a bit. His head lolled to the side and his glasses slipped off into the tub. He felt drained and sick.
Thump, thump, thump!
"HARRY? Are you okay??" Dudley's voice was panicky. "Stop messing around. GET OUT NOW!"
If it had been under different circumstances Harry would have laughed at Dudley's concern, but now he was slipping and he was beginning to have last minute panic attacks. He froze but it was too late. He was too weak to move. The water was now completely red. The last thing he saw before slipping off was Dudley finally breaking through the door horrified at the sight of his cousin sitting in a tub full of his own blood.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Harry was swimming, or so he thought. But what was he really swimming? Swimming in Blackness? Black water perhaps? Was this death?
He tried to move but he couldn't. Out of nowhere, he could see Sirius's face floating in front of him.
"Sirius", Harry tried to whisper without avail.
"Now it's not your time Harry. You must go back," a voice inside his head said. It was Sirius' voice. Harry tried desperately to explain, to say sorry but nothing came out. Harry had to explain!
"But I don't think you'll return until you've heard this. I forgive you Harry. It wasn't your fault. Now you must go back. You have to win this war Harry. You have to try. You can't give up like this," the voice said again.
All of a sudden Harry felt his guilt disappear. Maybe not completely but he felt a big weight off his shoulders. That was all he had wanted to hear.
"Harry? Harry?" He heard another voice say but it sounded very far away and faint. The voice got louder and clearer but Sirius faded away. Harry tried to reach out to him but he still couldn't move. Then all of a sudden in one big jerk, he found himself back in the bathtub, someone was holding his wrists casting a healing spell on them.
"Oh Harry… What are we going to do with you? You gave your cousin quite a scare," said an old familiar voice.
"D…Dumbledore? Whaz you choing here?" Harry heard himself saying with a raspy voice.
"Harry, haven't you listened to what I told you about your connection with Voldemort? You've just caused yourself a lot of blood loss, " he said looking at Harry with sad eyes. "This is what he wants Harry. Can't you see? Please promise me that you never are going to try this again?"
Harry didn't answer. He didn't have to promise Dumbledore anything. He had gotten what he wanted from Sirius, forgiveness. He had broken free of his guilt.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ To be continued.....~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A/N What did you think? REVIEW! PLEASE!
Thanks so MUCH Diana Snape for betaing! I love you (not in that way)!