"Hitting bottom isn't a weekend retreat. It's not a goddamn seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go!"
--Tyler Durden Fight Club
Ryan hangs up the phone and turns to find Luke standing behind him.
"So you're just going to take a shower and skip town? You're really just going to walk away?" Luke asks.
"What else can I do?" Ryan whispers.
"Why do you think you're so dangerous, Chino? I used to pummel Cohen on a regular basis and he always bounced back," Luke says quietly.
"Luke. That's not helping," Ryan sighs, stretching. He walks outside and lights a cigarette. Luke follows him. They have a mutual respect for each other that makes them able to speak without worrying about the other's feelings. Fighting is communication between them and several conversations between them have ended in bruises in the past few weeks of their friendship.
"What did Marissa say about all this?" Luke asks.
"Same thing everyone else says. I'm not thinking straight, I'm not making sense, blah blah blah," Ryan replies.
"Dude, you're jumpy as hell. I mean, I don't know what Cohen said to you, but I know that he was really drunk and you probably shouldn't take it personally. I mean…he's your brother. Don't you have a brother? Like a blood brother?" Luke asks.
"Yeah. He's in prison," Ryan mutters.
"Didn't you guys fight?" Luke waits a beat. "Didn't you guys say stuff to each other that you didn't mean?"
"Trey is nothing like Seth."
"Don't you love Trey anyway?"
"He's family, there's no choice in that," Ryan whispers.
"Isn't Cohen your family, too?" Luke asks.
Ryan sighs. "Yeah."
"It's about time he stopped tiptoeing around his words and shit to you, you know?" Luke watches him carefully. "If he's really your brother, then they're just words. You guys are family and nothing's going to change that."
"I think I hate you. I should kick your ass," Ryan states seriously.
"What? Why?"
"You make too much fucking sense to be such a…fucking…I hate you. Where's your beer?" Ryan asks, throwing his hands up in defeat.
"No beer left. Shots?" Luke picks up a half empty bottle of vodka from a cooler on the porch.
Ryan takes several generous swallows from the bottle without using a glass. "Sorry. I needed that."
"Feel free," Luke laughs, collapsing into a lounge chair. Ryan remains standing, taking desperate drags off his cigarette.
"I shouldn't have hit him."
"Depends. See, to you and me, a little punch in the eye isn't a big deal."
"We can walk it off," Ryan says quietly.
"So can Cohen. He's not made of glass. And if you're talking shit, you're asking for a punch in the eye." Luke shakes his head, amused as Ryan finishes the bottle and tosses it onto Luke's private littered beach. "Some things you shouldn't say out loud." Luke watches him silently for a long moment.
"So what is it? You feel responsible for Cohen? Like, you're his store-bought brother just here for him to play with until he gets tired of you?" Luke continues.
"What?" Ryan asks slowly.
"Something Marissa said a long time ago. Before she saw how close you guys were," Luke adds. He realizes that he's went too far when Ryan starts to walk away.
"Hey. Can I talk to you?"
Seth's voice startles both Ryan and Luke. Luke jumps out of his chair but Ryan freezes.
Seth walks onto the patio with Sandy following close behind.
"Your door was open," Sandy says to Luke. Seth has started walking toward Ryan.
"Really?" Luke asks. Sandy pulls him inside. Luke spots Marissa. "I want my keys back…" He starts before blushing red as Jimmy enters.
*****
******
"…Its only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything…"
--Tyler Durden Fight Club
"Ryan. Ryan. Goddammit…" Seth walks up to him and takes his arm, frustrated that Ryan has not acknowledged him yet.
"Don't touch me," Ryan states, pulling away and spinning around to face him.
"Look. I'm sorry," Seth says. "Are you listening? I'm fucking sorry, Ryan and I…I'll do whatever I have to do…"
"This isn't your fault. You were just telling me the truth. How you really felt. So I told you how that made me feel the only way I know how," Ryan says quickly.
Seth is silent. He opens his mouth to speak but closes it again. He tries again but can't talk. He's speechless for the first time in his life. Ryan takes several steps backward but stops.
"I…I don't know what to do, Seth…"
Seth still can't form words. His mind is working furiously but he doesn't know what to say.
Ryan turns away and starts walking away.
"Wait. Ryan, don't…don't do this to me right now…just…just stop…" Seth's voice gets steadily louder in Ryan's ears until he is shoved to the sand. Seth stands over him.
"What the fuck?" Ryan asks, rolling over.
"Just stop for a second, okay?" Seth stands over him. "We've got a serious communication problem going on, dude, and I can't talk to you if you're running away from me, alright?"
"There's nothing left to be said, man!" Ryan snaps, getting to his feet but staying still.
"Dude, what are we fighting about? I said some pretty fucked up shit to you and you hit me, that's it! Neither one of us meant it so why is this such a huge deal?" Seth asks.
Ryan shakes his head. "I can't…you don't understand…"
"Then explain it to me. Something. You're…you're different from me, Ryan…I don't understand, you're right, but I'll never understand if you don't explain it to me." Seth holds out his hands.
"I can't explain it to you, Seth…but what you said to me…" Ryan starts.
"Dad said that it was like what your dad said to you, Ryan…I'm sorry…I wasn't thinking, I was out of my head!" Seth protests.
"I know…I know and that's why I shouldn't have hit you…I…I…I just have to go," Ryan says.
"No. You don't have to go. What am I supposed to do without you?" Seth asks. "You're just going to walk away? After all we've been through, you can just walk away?"
"It's all I know how to do…everything I'm walking away from, it's not mine…it's yours."
Seth looks at Ryan, tilting his head. "It's ours, Ryan."
"It's not my life. It will never be mine, Seth. Like you said, I'm different…"
"You're my brother, Ryan. My family. Don't I get another chance?"
"Goddammit, Seth, this isn't your fault!" Ryan reacts. He walks away a few steps before turning around in frustration and crouching with his head in his hands for a long moment, rocking on his feet.
"Ryan. Just calm the fuck down and think about this, okay?" Seth asks quietly. He approaches him cautiously.
Ryan glances up at him and lights a cigarette. He sits down on the sand.
"Ryan," Seth calls.
"I just need a minute," Ryan replies quietly. He's shaking.
"Ryan…" Seth begins again.
"A fucking minute, Seth. Sixty fucking seconds."
"Is this how it's going to be with us? Fucking snaps back and forth until we can't even look at each other?" Seth retorts. "I thought we were better friends than that…"
Ryan flicks his unfinished cigarette onto the beach, getting to his feet. He doesn't look at Seth as he takes off in a sprint down the beach.
"Fuck!" Seth curses. He sits down on the beach as Sandy and Jimmy run up to him.
"Seth…"
"He's gone," Seth says. He walks away from his father's concerned voice.
*****
*****
Seth refuses to talk. Summer, Marissa, Kirsten and Sandy each come to him and try to talk to him but he doesn't speak. Finally, he locks the door to his room.
"I thought they'd work it out, Kirsten," Sandy says in the kitchen. Marissa, Summer and Jimmy are sitting at the counter.
"You should have talked to him," Kirsten replies.
"Well, you should have told me when you took him to the emergency room so I guess neither one of us has the best judgment lately.
"God, Sandy, he asked me not to say anything!" Kirsten says. "He didn't want to upset Seth and he thought you'd go off on him again!"
"Oh god…the fight at the movies, I knew he was hurt…" Marissa says. Jimmy escorts them into the other room so Kirsten and Sandy can argue in private.
No one sees Seth walk down the stairs and out of the house.
*****
Ryan is sitting on the beach smoking. He glances up indifferently as Seth sits down beside him.
"Truce," Ryan says.
"Truce."
They sit in silence.
"You really think I'm trash?" Ryan asks.
"No. I wanted…I wanted to…shit, I don't know why I said that. I was angry. I wanted to get to you," Seth replies quietly.
"You got to me."
"Yeah, have you seen my face?" Seth smiles, trying to lighten the mood.
"I'm sorry." Ryan doesn't smile or look at Seth. He stares at the ocean.
"Me, too."
Ryan takes a long drag off his cigarette.
"You didn't tell me you cracked a rib for me, Ryan," Seth states. Ryan is silent. He smokes.
"I didn't want you to feel guilty," Ryan says finally.
"You don't have to protect me," Seth replies.
"I know. But we keep dropping this 'brother' word so it comes with the territory."
"So do arguments," Seth adds.
"What about fistfights?" Ryan asks.
"No, dude. You fucking hurt me," Seth jokes. "I'm kidding, Ryan. Ryan?"
Ryan looks at him. His hair hides his eyes.
"You're not trash and we are brothers. Come home."
Ryan looks away. "I was out of my head, Seth…"
"Whatever, Ryan. It's forgotten. Let's go home." Seth stands up and holds out his hand. Ryan accepts his help up.
"So you think I'm grounded?" Ryan asks as they walk down the beach.
"Hell yes. Mom's going to smell the nicotine on you as soon as we walk in," Seth replies.
*****