Kill the Pain! (Part 4)
#
"Buffy, why don't you talk to me anymore?" Willow asks me.
We sit on my bed in my room, me and my best friend. Or is that former best friend now? I am no longer sure. I'm not sure about anything anymore except the fact that my life is all out of control and there is nothing I can do about it.
It's been a month since Angel returned from Hell. God, how often have I dreamed about this happening? He would return and everything would be right with the world once more. He would take me in his arms and the pain would go away. No more pain. Never again.
I should've known it wouldn't be that easy.
You knew, Faith, didn't you? Even now I know you are close, watching me. It used to make me feel safe, knowing you were always around, always there for me. It was a feeling like I used to have when Angel was around, always watching over me from the shadows. Now Angel is back and I wonder what that means for me. For us.
I look at Willow and try to figure out what to do about her. There is so much I can't tell her. I can't tell her or the others about Angel being back, they would kill him if they knew. They don't understand. They don't want to understand.
And Faith? I am not sure why I can't tell anyone about you, only that you want it that way. I never wondered why before, but now I do. Why don't you want my friends to know about you? Why do you make such a secret of your presence?
"You don't understand what I've been through, Willow," I simply tell my friend, hoping that she will leave well enough alone. I can't deal with this, not right now.
"I want to understand, Buffy," she keeps at it. "But how can I if you don't talk to me?"
I shake my head.
"It's ... it's complicated."
"Is it? Buffy, ever since you came back I have the feeling that you are a complete stranger. It's not just the new clothing, the new hair, it's everything. It's as if only a small part of you came back while the rest is still hiding somewhere."
I can't let her in. I can't let anyone in. They will only hurt me all over again. Only a small part of me came back? Well, yes, that is about right. The largest part of me is dead, killed when a sword was driven into flesh that might as well have been my own.
Angel's return didn't change things. He isn't the same man he was. How could he be? He spent centuries in Hell because of me. Even if he still loves me, which I am none too sure about, it can never be the same again. The curse. The memories. It all stands between us. He is back, but he might as well not be. I hate myself for thinking this way, but it's true.
Ever since he came back Faith has become more distant. It's as if she resents Angel's presence, as if she feels useless now that he's back. Was she but a replacement for him? Someone to hold on to when he wasn't there for me? I realize that, even after all these months, I know very little about her. Almost nothing, actually, except that she is a Slayer and that she is my friend.
Do I need to know more?
Maybe I do.
"Willow, I ... during my time in Los Angeles, I found a new friend."
"A new friend?"
Even as I start telling her about my first meeting with you, Faith, I suddenly realize that you are watching me from outside my window. Willow doesn't see you, but I can. I can see the anger on your face. You don't want me to tell them, but I do.
"You wanted to kill yourself?" Willow asks, aghast.
"I had to kill him, Will!" The tears are coming back. "He had his soul again and I had to kill him. It would have been hard if he'd been Angelus, but having to kill Angel was ... God ..."
Willow hugs me close and I allow myself to relax in her embrace. These are my friends and maybe ... maybe they will understand. Maybe it will not destroy me to let them back in again. Maybe ...
I can see you string at me from the window, Faith. Your eyes are full of anger.
"This other Slayer," Willow asks me after a while, "did she remain behind in LA or what?"
I look at you, Faith, and I know that if I tell her of your presence here I will lose you. I am not sure why, but I can't lose you. You are too important to me to lose. It's like you have become a part of myself in these few short months we have known each other.
"She didn't return with me," I lie to my best friend. "Just convinced me that I had to return. That seeing all of you again would make it better."
"And was she right?" Willow asks.
I think of Angel, whose presence I must keep secret. I think of Faith, whom I wonder about. I think of my messed-up life.
"Maybe," I just mutter.
#
This is not going well. What do you think you are doing, B? You think they will just accept you back? No, I won't allow it. Not after all I've already accomplished. I will not go away again. I am here to stay and you are mine.
When Willow leaves you drift off to sleep. I return to my motel room, thinking about what to do next. Angel shouldn't have returned. It really messed everything up. Maybe I should just go and stake him. He is still weak, it wouldn't be much of a problem.
Besides, Angel would never be able to fight against me.
But no, not yet. The option of killing Angel will remain open for a while longer, but I think I have an even better idea how to turn things around. Yes, that is a good plan. Oh, B, if only you knew what I have in store for you.
First, though, a little relaxation. I have so little time to myself these days. I dial a certain number and tell a certain someone to hurry on over. Ten minutes later he is there, standing in my door, ready and willing.
"Hi!" Scott Hope smiles at me. "You really are a hard girl to figure out."
I walk toward him, draping my arms around his neck.
"Is that so?" I ask him, smiling wickedly.
"Sure are. I'm never sure whether you'll jump me or brush me off."
"Well, tonight I'm gonna do the jumping part."
With that I push him on the bed and straddle his body. He's young, strong, and all too much alive. Not like the cool flesh B experienced. But for now he will do. Our clothing is removed in no time flat and I start riding him.
Don't you miss this, B? The feeling of someone coming beneath you? I know you only experienced it once so far, but you can't tell me you don't miss it.
I look down at the boy beneath me and I know that I can do anything to him. Anything I want. He is too weak to resist me. I'm the Slayer and there is no one who can tell me what to do. Following a sudden impulse I put my hands around his neck and start to squeeze.
"What are you ...?" he starts saying, then his air is cut off.
"I can do whatever I want," I whisper to him as his eyes start bulging. "You have no power, you are my toy. You're all my toys and soon everyone will know."
I come as he passes out beneath me and it feels good. So very good.
I don't let go of his neck.
TO BE CONTINUED
#
"Buffy, why don't you talk to me anymore?" Willow asks me.
We sit on my bed in my room, me and my best friend. Or is that former best friend now? I am no longer sure. I'm not sure about anything anymore except the fact that my life is all out of control and there is nothing I can do about it.
It's been a month since Angel returned from Hell. God, how often have I dreamed about this happening? He would return and everything would be right with the world once more. He would take me in his arms and the pain would go away. No more pain. Never again.
I should've known it wouldn't be that easy.
You knew, Faith, didn't you? Even now I know you are close, watching me. It used to make me feel safe, knowing you were always around, always there for me. It was a feeling like I used to have when Angel was around, always watching over me from the shadows. Now Angel is back and I wonder what that means for me. For us.
I look at Willow and try to figure out what to do about her. There is so much I can't tell her. I can't tell her or the others about Angel being back, they would kill him if they knew. They don't understand. They don't want to understand.
And Faith? I am not sure why I can't tell anyone about you, only that you want it that way. I never wondered why before, but now I do. Why don't you want my friends to know about you? Why do you make such a secret of your presence?
"You don't understand what I've been through, Willow," I simply tell my friend, hoping that she will leave well enough alone. I can't deal with this, not right now.
"I want to understand, Buffy," she keeps at it. "But how can I if you don't talk to me?"
I shake my head.
"It's ... it's complicated."
"Is it? Buffy, ever since you came back I have the feeling that you are a complete stranger. It's not just the new clothing, the new hair, it's everything. It's as if only a small part of you came back while the rest is still hiding somewhere."
I can't let her in. I can't let anyone in. They will only hurt me all over again. Only a small part of me came back? Well, yes, that is about right. The largest part of me is dead, killed when a sword was driven into flesh that might as well have been my own.
Angel's return didn't change things. He isn't the same man he was. How could he be? He spent centuries in Hell because of me. Even if he still loves me, which I am none too sure about, it can never be the same again. The curse. The memories. It all stands between us. He is back, but he might as well not be. I hate myself for thinking this way, but it's true.
Ever since he came back Faith has become more distant. It's as if she resents Angel's presence, as if she feels useless now that he's back. Was she but a replacement for him? Someone to hold on to when he wasn't there for me? I realize that, even after all these months, I know very little about her. Almost nothing, actually, except that she is a Slayer and that she is my friend.
Do I need to know more?
Maybe I do.
"Willow, I ... during my time in Los Angeles, I found a new friend."
"A new friend?"
Even as I start telling her about my first meeting with you, Faith, I suddenly realize that you are watching me from outside my window. Willow doesn't see you, but I can. I can see the anger on your face. You don't want me to tell them, but I do.
"You wanted to kill yourself?" Willow asks, aghast.
"I had to kill him, Will!" The tears are coming back. "He had his soul again and I had to kill him. It would have been hard if he'd been Angelus, but having to kill Angel was ... God ..."
Willow hugs me close and I allow myself to relax in her embrace. These are my friends and maybe ... maybe they will understand. Maybe it will not destroy me to let them back in again. Maybe ...
I can see you string at me from the window, Faith. Your eyes are full of anger.
"This other Slayer," Willow asks me after a while, "did she remain behind in LA or what?"
I look at you, Faith, and I know that if I tell her of your presence here I will lose you. I am not sure why, but I can't lose you. You are too important to me to lose. It's like you have become a part of myself in these few short months we have known each other.
"She didn't return with me," I lie to my best friend. "Just convinced me that I had to return. That seeing all of you again would make it better."
"And was she right?" Willow asks.
I think of Angel, whose presence I must keep secret. I think of Faith, whom I wonder about. I think of my messed-up life.
"Maybe," I just mutter.
#
This is not going well. What do you think you are doing, B? You think they will just accept you back? No, I won't allow it. Not after all I've already accomplished. I will not go away again. I am here to stay and you are mine.
When Willow leaves you drift off to sleep. I return to my motel room, thinking about what to do next. Angel shouldn't have returned. It really messed everything up. Maybe I should just go and stake him. He is still weak, it wouldn't be much of a problem.
Besides, Angel would never be able to fight against me.
But no, not yet. The option of killing Angel will remain open for a while longer, but I think I have an even better idea how to turn things around. Yes, that is a good plan. Oh, B, if only you knew what I have in store for you.
First, though, a little relaxation. I have so little time to myself these days. I dial a certain number and tell a certain someone to hurry on over. Ten minutes later he is there, standing in my door, ready and willing.
"Hi!" Scott Hope smiles at me. "You really are a hard girl to figure out."
I walk toward him, draping my arms around his neck.
"Is that so?" I ask him, smiling wickedly.
"Sure are. I'm never sure whether you'll jump me or brush me off."
"Well, tonight I'm gonna do the jumping part."
With that I push him on the bed and straddle his body. He's young, strong, and all too much alive. Not like the cool flesh B experienced. But for now he will do. Our clothing is removed in no time flat and I start riding him.
Don't you miss this, B? The feeling of someone coming beneath you? I know you only experienced it once so far, but you can't tell me you don't miss it.
I look down at the boy beneath me and I know that I can do anything to him. Anything I want. He is too weak to resist me. I'm the Slayer and there is no one who can tell me what to do. Following a sudden impulse I put my hands around his neck and start to squeeze.
"What are you ...?" he starts saying, then his air is cut off.
"I can do whatever I want," I whisper to him as his eyes start bulging. "You have no power, you are my toy. You're all my toys and soon everyone will know."
I come as he passes out beneath me and it feels good. So very good.
I don't let go of his neck.
TO BE CONTINUED