Kill the Pain! (Part 5)
#
Something is wrong. Why do I have the feeling that something is off between us, Faith? Ever since Angel came back you have been avoiding me. I always see you at the edge of my vision, but when I turn to look, you are gone. I miss you, Faith. Why have you abandoned me?
Mom, Giles, and Willow finally convinced me to go back to school again. Maybe it was a mistake. Everything here reminds me of the way things were. In the past. When the world was still right.
When I go into the library I see Kendra's dead body lying on the ground. In the corridors I hear Angel's taunting words, see him holding Willow by the neck, playing with me. In computer class I have to think of Miss Calendar and how it must have sounded when Angel broke her neck. The sound echoes through the corridors.
Added to that I have heard that Scott is in the hospital, lying in a coma after someone attacked him. The police had to nerve to question me, referring to me as his girlfriend. How the hell did they get that idea? I never even gave that loser the time of day.
Still, going back to school, hanging with the gang, it makes it seem possible to reclaim what I have lost. To be, once again, the girl I was before I struck Angel down and sent him to Hell.
Angel. After school I go to visit him and somehow it makes me feel better. He doesn't blame me for what I did. Did to him. Somehow that makes it better, even though I can't stop blaming myself. Things between Angel and me can never be the same again, but I feel safe when I'm with him. The old feelings are still there.
Why are you avoiding me, Faith? Aren't you happy that I'm finally starting to put my life back in order, if slowly? Wasn't that why you practically dragged me back here to Sunnydale? I didn't want to come back, but you convinced me and now things actually seem to be working out for a change. What is wrong now?
No answers are forthcoming.
#
Time to put plan B into motion. B, my dear, you are in for one hell of a surprise. Even as you're leaving the school, telling everyone you'll go home, making your mother think you're training with Giles, I am putting things into high gear. Don't you know that lies have a habit of being revealed, B?
It doesn't take much, you know? Just a few words spoken where somebody is sure to overhear. You walk down the corridor toward the school's exit, unaware that Xander is passing close by. Xander, who suddenly hears someone utter words that make his blood run cold.
"Off to see my Angel."
Boy, they sure had an off day when they put Xander together. He's so predictable. The word "Angel" alone would have sufficed, I believe. No one here's got a mad-on for Angel the way he has. Fuck, he hated Angel even before he turned evil, figuring that the Vampire was the only reason you didn't fall for him, B. As if!
So what does this idiot boy do? He starts following you, B, and you are too lost in thought to notice. Too easy, really. Much too easy. By the way, you haven't figured it out yet, have you? What Xander did? What he didn't tell you on the day you sent Angel to Hell? Oh, you are so trusting, B. So very trusting. Beware that it doesn't become your undoing!
Xander follows you all the way to Angel's mansion and when you go inside he sees who is waiting for you. Oh, this is going even better than I planned it. For a moment both you and Angel forget what has happened and just fall into each other's arms, kissing like the world around you is gone. Xander really doesn't need to see anymore.
Off he goes, my bearer of bad news. So easy to get these idiots to do my work for me. Enjoy the kiss while it lasts, B! You'll not feel like it for a good long while to come.
#
"Don't you think you have to tell us something?"
Those are the first words I hear as I walk into the library. Giles, Willow, Xander, Cordelia, Oz, the entire gang is here and staring at me as if I committed the most heinous of crimes. What is going on here?
"What do you mean?" I ask them, walking closer.
Xander's face is clouded by fury. That ain't half as scary as the cold chill I can see in Giles' eyes. I have a feeling I know very well what they are talking about and Giles' next word confirms it.
"Angel!"
I stare at them, wondering how they found out. Does it really matter, though? I don't think denying everything will work, they seem pretty certain. I look into their faces and something inside me flinches. Something that was almost back among the living but now curls up and dies all over again. I know they don't understand me, none of them. Even Willow looks like I just stabbed her in the back.
I should have known. Faith! You told me it would be that way. Why didn't I listen to you?
"Angel is none of your business," I tell them. They can't hurt me if I don't let them in. No one can hurt me unless I let them.
"I beg to differ," Giles replies coldly, "considering what happened the last time Angel was around."
I look at the people that are supposed to be my friends and I see nothing but hatred and distrust. They see me, see my new look, my changed attitude, and they're afraid. They're never going to accept me the way I am now.
I see myself reflected in the window of Giles' office. Dressed in black leather, dark brown hair falling across my shoulders, no smile on my lips. That isn't the Buffy they know and want. But it's me, the only me there is and will be. For better or worse, that's the way it is.
"Learn to live with it!" I tell them, not just referring to Angel, and turn to walk out the door without another word. Screw them. Screw school. Fuck it, what was I thinking? They wanted to pretend everything was back to normal and I actually started to believe them. Started to believe that the pain would go away.
I can feel the tears fall down my cheeks. I should have stayed away from Sunnydale. There is nothing but pain here, pain of the kind I can't kill by ramming a stake into a vampire's heart. Angel's return, the thing I have dreamed of for so long, has turned into a living nightmare.
Angel. I need to talk to him. I need to figure out what to do now.
And Faith. I need to talk to you, Faith! Please!
#
Yes, B! You need me! Soon you will realize that you don't need anyone but me. I still don't like that Angel is back, but judging from what just happened in the library, it might even be to my advantage.
We'll see. It doesn't hurt that Angel still has the nicest piece of ass around. I will just have to give it a test drive soon. Real soon.
TO BE CONTINUED
#
Something is wrong. Why do I have the feeling that something is off between us, Faith? Ever since Angel came back you have been avoiding me. I always see you at the edge of my vision, but when I turn to look, you are gone. I miss you, Faith. Why have you abandoned me?
Mom, Giles, and Willow finally convinced me to go back to school again. Maybe it was a mistake. Everything here reminds me of the way things were. In the past. When the world was still right.
When I go into the library I see Kendra's dead body lying on the ground. In the corridors I hear Angel's taunting words, see him holding Willow by the neck, playing with me. In computer class I have to think of Miss Calendar and how it must have sounded when Angel broke her neck. The sound echoes through the corridors.
Added to that I have heard that Scott is in the hospital, lying in a coma after someone attacked him. The police had to nerve to question me, referring to me as his girlfriend. How the hell did they get that idea? I never even gave that loser the time of day.
Still, going back to school, hanging with the gang, it makes it seem possible to reclaim what I have lost. To be, once again, the girl I was before I struck Angel down and sent him to Hell.
Angel. After school I go to visit him and somehow it makes me feel better. He doesn't blame me for what I did. Did to him. Somehow that makes it better, even though I can't stop blaming myself. Things between Angel and me can never be the same again, but I feel safe when I'm with him. The old feelings are still there.
Why are you avoiding me, Faith? Aren't you happy that I'm finally starting to put my life back in order, if slowly? Wasn't that why you practically dragged me back here to Sunnydale? I didn't want to come back, but you convinced me and now things actually seem to be working out for a change. What is wrong now?
No answers are forthcoming.
#
Time to put plan B into motion. B, my dear, you are in for one hell of a surprise. Even as you're leaving the school, telling everyone you'll go home, making your mother think you're training with Giles, I am putting things into high gear. Don't you know that lies have a habit of being revealed, B?
It doesn't take much, you know? Just a few words spoken where somebody is sure to overhear. You walk down the corridor toward the school's exit, unaware that Xander is passing close by. Xander, who suddenly hears someone utter words that make his blood run cold.
"Off to see my Angel."
Boy, they sure had an off day when they put Xander together. He's so predictable. The word "Angel" alone would have sufficed, I believe. No one here's got a mad-on for Angel the way he has. Fuck, he hated Angel even before he turned evil, figuring that the Vampire was the only reason you didn't fall for him, B. As if!
So what does this idiot boy do? He starts following you, B, and you are too lost in thought to notice. Too easy, really. Much too easy. By the way, you haven't figured it out yet, have you? What Xander did? What he didn't tell you on the day you sent Angel to Hell? Oh, you are so trusting, B. So very trusting. Beware that it doesn't become your undoing!
Xander follows you all the way to Angel's mansion and when you go inside he sees who is waiting for you. Oh, this is going even better than I planned it. For a moment both you and Angel forget what has happened and just fall into each other's arms, kissing like the world around you is gone. Xander really doesn't need to see anymore.
Off he goes, my bearer of bad news. So easy to get these idiots to do my work for me. Enjoy the kiss while it lasts, B! You'll not feel like it for a good long while to come.
#
"Don't you think you have to tell us something?"
Those are the first words I hear as I walk into the library. Giles, Willow, Xander, Cordelia, Oz, the entire gang is here and staring at me as if I committed the most heinous of crimes. What is going on here?
"What do you mean?" I ask them, walking closer.
Xander's face is clouded by fury. That ain't half as scary as the cold chill I can see in Giles' eyes. I have a feeling I know very well what they are talking about and Giles' next word confirms it.
"Angel!"
I stare at them, wondering how they found out. Does it really matter, though? I don't think denying everything will work, they seem pretty certain. I look into their faces and something inside me flinches. Something that was almost back among the living but now curls up and dies all over again. I know they don't understand me, none of them. Even Willow looks like I just stabbed her in the back.
I should have known. Faith! You told me it would be that way. Why didn't I listen to you?
"Angel is none of your business," I tell them. They can't hurt me if I don't let them in. No one can hurt me unless I let them.
"I beg to differ," Giles replies coldly, "considering what happened the last time Angel was around."
I look at the people that are supposed to be my friends and I see nothing but hatred and distrust. They see me, see my new look, my changed attitude, and they're afraid. They're never going to accept me the way I am now.
I see myself reflected in the window of Giles' office. Dressed in black leather, dark brown hair falling across my shoulders, no smile on my lips. That isn't the Buffy they know and want. But it's me, the only me there is and will be. For better or worse, that's the way it is.
"Learn to live with it!" I tell them, not just referring to Angel, and turn to walk out the door without another word. Screw them. Screw school. Fuck it, what was I thinking? They wanted to pretend everything was back to normal and I actually started to believe them. Started to believe that the pain would go away.
I can feel the tears fall down my cheeks. I should have stayed away from Sunnydale. There is nothing but pain here, pain of the kind I can't kill by ramming a stake into a vampire's heart. Angel's return, the thing I have dreamed of for so long, has turned into a living nightmare.
Angel. I need to talk to him. I need to figure out what to do now.
And Faith. I need to talk to you, Faith! Please!
#
Yes, B! You need me! Soon you will realize that you don't need anyone but me. I still don't like that Angel is back, but judging from what just happened in the library, it might even be to my advantage.
We'll see. It doesn't hurt that Angel still has the nicest piece of ass around. I will just have to give it a test drive soon. Real soon.
TO BE CONTINUED