Kill the Pain! (Part 6)

#

We are walking through a cemetery at night and I find myself lost in thought. It's been two weeks since the gang found out about Angel being back and I have barely exchanged a word with any of them since. I haven't been to school, either. Snyder probably got his jollies when he told my mom I was out again.

Mom. I haven't talked much with her, either. Ever since I came back she seems afraid to say something wrong, something that will make me leave again. I have thought about it. Leaving, I mean. What is there for me here in Sunnydale? Only the pain. Only the memories.

And Angel.

"You're thinking of lover boy again," you tease me with a smile on your lips.

"How can you tell, Faith?"

"Come on! Like you get that dreamy smile thinking about anyone else."

You came back when I needed you most, Faith. When the gang refused to understand, when I needed someone to talk about. Talking to Angel is incredibly awkward these days. All I want to do when he's around is walk into his arms and to hell with the world. I know what will happen when we're together, and part of me doesn't care.

We have staked over a dozen Vampires these last few nights and it's not enough. Not enough to regain that feeling of pleasant numbness I crave. Somewhere, somehow, I have lost the ability to kill the pain by killing Vampires. It's not enough anymore.

"Want to do something new?" you ask me, guessing at my thoughts again. How do you do that?

"Like what?"

You just smile that wicked smile of yours and drag me off to a place I know only too well. Willy's bar, where demons hang out. This place has always been a kind of neutral ground. The demons hang out here, but don't kill anyone, even though there are human patrons as well. I have more or less respected that cease-fire rule, except when it came to beating up the double-dealing snitch himself.

"What are we doing here?" I want to know.

"Ever been in a good bar brawl?"

"What? No, I ... you honestly want to ..."

"I haven't been either."

With that you walk into the bar and I hurry after you, wondering how you always manage to get me into situations like this.

#

There are over two dozen or so demons in the bar when we walk in, you and I. Mostly Vampires, but some more exotic ones, too. Everyone looks up and everyone recognizes you, even with the new hair and outfit. How could they not? You have quite a reputation in this town, B.

Me? I'm still working on it.

"The Slayer!" Willy sees B and comes over. "What a great pleasure to have the Slayer visit my humble establishment."

Some of the patrons are rising to leave, but I give them a long, hard stare and they sit down again. Over two dozen, they probably figure they can overcome us by sheer numbers, yet no one wants to be the first.

"Hi, Willy," I greet the snitch. "We're looking for something."

He leans in closer to whisper to B, like he always does. He smells of sweat and fear. He fears us. It feels great.

"You know I can't just supply you with information in front of my customers. It wouldn't be ..."

"Don't worry, Willy," I tell him. "We've already found what we were looking for."

"You did?" he asks, surprised. "What?"

I give him a smile.

"A good fight!"

Before any of the patrons know what's happening we're all over them. The first Vampire crumbles into dust when I impale it with my wooden heel. The others rise to fight us. Come and get it boys!

A blur of fighting, arms and legs flying, dishing it out and taking it. You love it, B, I can see that, you love the thrill of violence. This is better than the usual dusting in the cemeteries. Close quarters, overwhelming numbers, nothing but fists, fangs, and stakes. This is what you need right now, B!

I can see that some of the fighting doesn't center on us. What do you know. Bar brawls, gotta love them. Get it started and you're sure to see some people forget who started it and just start brawling for the hell of it. Humans and demons do have some character traits in common after all.

Half the patrons are dead or unconscious when some of them manage to get a hold of us and we find ourselves airborne. The front window of the bar shatters as we fly through it, landing on the street in a shower of glass, beer, and blood. We're both laughing out loud. Fuck, when was the last time you had this much fun, B?

#

I am bruised all over, glass shards a sharp pain in my back, but I feel great. Here it is, that feeling I've been looking for. No time to think or remember, just the thrill of physical violence and the pleasant numbness inside where the pain usually resides.

From the sound of things the fight inside is going on without us. Bar brawls. I thought it was only this way in the movies. I rise from the street, aching, and smile at you as you lie beside me, giggling.

"Want to go back inside for another round?" I ask you.

"Thought you'd never ask."

We both rise and prepare to dive back into the thick of things when someone else is there without warning. Willow. What the hell is Willow doing here?

"Buffy, thank God I found you."

I really don't need this right now. What does she want anyway? Faith? I look around and you're not there anymore. What is it with you and those spooky exits?

"Buffy, are you listening?"

I turn to look at Willow, brushing glass shards off my clothes.

"What do you want, Will? Come to bitch about Angel again?"

Her face darkens and I feel fine. You can't hurt me anymore, Will, but I can hurt you. It feels good. God, it feels good.

"Buffy, please! There is ... Giles found out that a demon is in town, looking for some kinda glove that will make it really powerful. We need you. I mean, no matter what happened between us, you're ... you're still the Slayer. Right?"

I can hear the doubt in her voice and I don't like it. How can she doubt that I would do my duty just because I'm angry at her and the others? I wonder if they ever knew me at all.

"Lead the way, Willow," I tell her.

"Buffy, about what happened ..."

"Will! You said there is a demon looking for a really powerful whatever, right? Get your priorities in order!"

She looks like I slapped her and part of me almost flinches. Why do I hurt her this way? But ... damn, they hurt me, didn't they? Turn around is fair play, isn't it? Faith, where are you? Help me figure out this shit!

We make our way across town to a crypt where Giles' research said the glove would be. Even from far away I can hear the sound of fighting. Shit!

"Stay back, Will," I order her and take off toward the fighting. Faith, I could really use you right now. How come you are right by my side for a bar brawl, but nowhere in sight when it comes to saving the world? Questions for another day, I suppose.

The sounds of fighting have stopped. I can see the crypt and skid to a stop. Giles is there, as well as Xander, Cordy, and Oz. The entire gang, minus Willow who is approaching behind me. All of them.

And Angel.

"What the hell?"

There is a dead demon lying on the ground, its head nowhere in sight. Angel leans on a sword, looking exhausted, several scratches all over his body. He looks up at me and his eyes alone suffice to make my knees weak. I have to physically restrain myself from running to him, checking his injuries, making sure he is all right.

"We didn't know where to find you," Giles says, his voice carefully neutral, "and the demon was too close to finding the glove. So I ... I asked Angel for help."

Giles went to Angel for help? Giles of all people? After Jenny? After the torture?

"A pleasure," Angel mumbles, favoring his side. He is hurt. Hurt because he had to do my job when I wasn't around. God, why do I always mess up this way?

Everyone is staring at me, even Angel. How did this happen? How did everything get so fucked up?

"That's what I wanted to say, Buffy," Willow starts. "Maybe ... maybe we were wrong. We ... we shouldn't have judged you the way we did. I mean ... he's Angel, not Angelus."

Giles walks toward me.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Sorry that I couldn't see how much all of this hurt you, Buffy. Talking with Angel, it ... it made me see how badly we treated you ever since you came back. Please believe me, we still want to be your friends."

I see them look at me and I feel the barriers I have built around me crack. Damn it, I can't let them in, not again. They will only hurt me all over again.

Angel walks over and touches my shoulder, sending shivers down my spine.

"I know how much you're hurting, Buffy," he says, "but closing yourself off from the world doesn't help. Believe me, I know it doesn't."

I can feel tears on my cheeks and don't know where they come from. Damn it, I don't want this! I can't be hurt again! Not again!

Faith? Where are you? I need you!


TO BE CONTINUED