Kill the Pain! (Part 9)

#

Today I am eighteen years old. An adult, or so the law says. I never expected to feel all that different turning eighteen, but I was wrong. Very wrong.

I'm no longer the Slayer. At least for the moment. Giles told me it would only be temporary. He slipped me a drug that turned my muscles to jelly and made me about as strong as I look, which isn't all that much. Especially when you're locked into a house with a serial killer turned vampire who has kidnapped my mother.

I only got away from him the first time by sheer luck and now, now it looks like my luck is running out fast. God, I can't believe this is happening to me. Not Giles of all people. How could he do this? How could he endanger me and my mother this way? I don't understand it.

Angel is not here. The Scoobies are not here. My strength is gone. I don't know what to do. How can I beat this guy? He almost killed me already and I can't get out. Mom is here and unless I can kill Kralik she is dead, too. As I will be if he catches me.

Giles betrayed me.

"Tough, isn't it?"

I hear your voice, hear it for the first time in months. I thought you were gone after what happened in that alley. I turn around and find you standing behind me, leaning against the wall, your arms crossed, smiling.

"Faith," I mutter your name.

"You haven't forgotten me. I can't help myself. I'm touched."

Last time we met you tried to have me killed. Are you here to finish the job? Or do you want to watch again? Watch Kralik kill me like Spike almost did. I thought you were my friend and you betrayed me. Just like Giles.

"You're in big trouble, B," you say as you walk toward me. "Locked into a house with an insane serial-killer vampire, no powers, betrayed by your Watcher. I wonder how you're gonna get out of this."

"Like you care," I snarl at you.

"Oh, but I do care," you say as you stand directly before me, your hand touching my shoulder. "B, I would never want anything bad to happen to you, don't you know that?"

"Could've fooled me."

What are you playing at, Faith? I no longer have my strength, so if you want to kill me, get it over with! I can't fight you like this. I can't fight Kralik this way. Damn it, I'm helpless.

"I can help you, B! More than that, I want to help you. Didn't I save you before, when you tried to end it all? Didn't I help you deal with the pain when we were in LA? Didn't I tell you that you needed to come back to Sunnydale?"

"Why did you just watch when Spike almost killed me? Why did you lie to me about being a Slayer? Who are you?"

You shake your head as if I'm asking dumb questions. I wish I could wring your neck right now. I wish I could fight you. I'm not sure I could, though, even if I had my strength.

"You don't understand, B! Kralik will be here in a few minutes. He will kill you and then he'll kill your mother. The only way out for you, for your mom, is for you to let me help. Either that or you're both dead."

You are standing so close that I can feel the heat trailing off your skin. You are not a vampire, but I knew that much before. I saw you in sunlight, I touched you and you were warm. What are you? How come you're as strong as me, maybe stronger, if you're not a Slayer?

"I'm your friend, B," you whisper in my ear, your breath tickling my skin. "You know that. I kept you alive when you wanted to kill yourself. You never told the others about that, ain't I right? Because you know they wouldn't understand. But I do, B! I understand you, better than anyone else. You'll just have to let me help and everything will be all right again."

I want to. God, how much I want to let you back into my life. Having you close made me feel good. You made the pain go away, you always put everything into perspective for me. But why did you betray me? Why does everyone betray me over and over again?

I can hear Kralik's heavy footsteps close by. I can hear his taunting voice, calling me out. I can't fight him. Not alone. Not like this.

"Let me help," you murmur to me and I can feel my resolve break. I don't want to die. God, I don't want to die!

"Help me," I ask you and a big smile spreads on your face.

"You only needed to ask!"

#

I have to thank you, Giles. Putting B through this stupid test was just what the doctor ordered for Yours Truly. No one knows you like I do, B. I know how very afraid you are of death, especially now that you have no hope of meeting Angel on the other side. It took the complete loss of hope to make you consider suicide and even then you didn't really want to go through with it.

Kralik is finished. It wasn't easy, he's a tough customer, but together the two of us are unbeatable. Holy water and a little trickery, that's all we needed. You might have gotten him on your own, B, if you hadn't been so afraid. So confused by being betrayed.

Giles tries to explain himself, but you don't listen. Against your own better judgment you have let them into your heart once more and they stabbed you in the back all over again. How often can you forgive them, B? How often can you rebuild your trust in them when they continue to shatter it?

Giles is fired. Too bad, you no longer have a Watcher. What a shame. Then again, how could he continue to be your Watcher? There has to be a certain amount of trust between Slayer and Watcher. There is no longer any between the two of you. Never again.

Angel wasn't there. When you needed him, when you needed his strong arms the most, he was not there. No one came to help you, B. No one but me.

You still don't know who I am? Shame on you! You still don't know what I want? Tough luck. The only thing that matters is that you need me, B. Now you know, I hope. You won't get rid of me again. I'm here to stay.

You won't tell your friends about my return, I know that. You're too scared I will go away again. Leave you alone the next time you can't make it on your own and none of your friends are there to help. There will be a next time, do not doubt that! There is always a next time.

For the moment I am content with the way things are. We will grow much closer, though, you and I. Just wait and see.

I have only just begun.


TO BE CONTINUED