"Shadows"

By: Otaku Tess



CHAPTER SIX
kuragari




Darkness....

Hazy....

I sat bolt upright in my bed. I heard a scream tear from my throat. My body tensed... But I could not feel it. I could only watch in terror... I could only watch.... from outside my body....









Then I was awake...!

I ran a hand across my sweat soaked face and paused to catch my breath. "What in the--" I gasped to myself, as I lifted my hand to my ear without really thinking.

My CODEC beeped. I waited for a response. She'd left her CODEC on, but was taking some time in answering it.

"Yes...?" Came her voice at last.

"Wolf..." I gasped.

"Otacon?" She questioned, "What are you doing?"

"I... I don't know... I... I-- ah..." I stammered. What was I doing? "I don't know... I just woke up. I'm sorry if I bothered you..."

"It's almost 3:00..." She pointed out, "What are you doing?"

"I don't know..." I repeated.

"I'm busy." She insisted.

"I ... I had this -- this dream..." I forced myself to continue, "I'm sorry I called you... But... I can't get back to sleep. I needed to talk to someone..."

There was a long silence.

"Wolf...?"

"What ... was this dream like?" She asked after a moment.

I swallowed, "It was ... unlike anything I've ever had... I know that..." I began to explain, "Someone ... was talking to me, I would flashback to things.... I-it told me I was just like everyone else--... i-it wouldn't--"

"What?" She thankfully interrupted me, I didn't particularly want to continue, "Did you feel like you were watching yourself from outside of your body?"

"H-how did you know....." I gasped, in awe.

"Mantis..." She growled, "Try not to worry about it." She continued, soothingly, "It won't happen again. I'm glad you told me. I will ... take care of this."

"Take care of this...?" I blurted, in utter confusion, "What are you talking about? What's--"

"I will contact you later." She interrupted, as she disconnected.

"...Going on...?" I finished, letting out a sigh. "So much for getting 8 hours of sleep..." I grumbled, my whole body was still screaming for sleep, but my mind just couldn't sit still...

I tried to get back to sleep, anyway, but all I could really manage was laying there with my eyes closed as my mind wandered in all possible directions.

What had Wolf been talking about? She had acted as though something had caused my dream ... like a person. What had she said? "Mantis..." It didn't make sense...

"Ravens, Sniper Wolf, Spurs... Nightmares ... mantises.... What's going on on this island?" I sighed to myself, turning over onto my side.

Huh... She probably was just looking for an excuse to get rid of me. My stomach tightened at that thought and so I shook it off.

Maybe it was something I ate? Food poisoning or something. That might explain how Wolf had seemed to know what it was that had caused my bad dream. Yes, that must have been it.

Maybe something the rats dragged in...?

Blech.... That's a disgusting thought. I shuddered slightly.

Well, whatever it was, Wolf had seemed concerned. And that was really a comforting thought, considering how terrible that nightmare had left me feeling.

Yet, despite the logical assumption that it had been something I'd ate.... I couldn't help but feel ... violated. ... Something about that dream was almost ... inhuman. I couldn't shake the feeling that whatever induced that dream ... now ... knew me. It knew my past... It knew my feelings.... Part of that dream was definitely not me. Not even my subconscious mind. Something knew my thoughts.... Something knew my excuses...

It knew about her. It knew about Julie. My stepmother.

I didn't want to think about her -- Julie. I had ignored the thoughts for so long... But the dream had provoked in me the memories which were even now streaming through my head.

Julie...

"I ... love you...." I uttered, starring to my bedroom's textured ceiling. The bumps and indentations created patterns and shapes in the darkness.

"Go to sleep." Was the groggy response from beside me.

"Julie.... I can't sleep." I shut my eyes. The patterns remained plastered on my eyelids.

"Why not?" Julie questioned. "I'd think you'd be tired..." She purred slyly, turning her head slightly to look at me.

I turned away from her, rolling onto my side. I pulled my legs up to my chest, wrapping my arms around myself, tightly, as I reverted to the fetal position... I pulled my naked body into a tight ball ... but I could never get it small enough. All I wanted to do was disappear, squeeze myself so small that I just vanished. Then I wouldn't have to think about this, I wouldn't have to live this... I'd be gone. Darkness.

While it was happening... I could disappear. I could imagine I was someplace else. I could pretend I wasn't there. Then it would all be okay. My body would be doing what it was supposed to and my mind would go somewhere else.... It was easy enough. She would lead...

I was her toy... She could do what she wanted with me ... all I had to do was comply. It got to be mechanical. She kissed me, I kissed back. She touched me, my hands moved to her. And through it all, my mind would be somewhere else...

Sometimes I would think of a place I'd seen in my dreams. It was typical dreamscape. Grassy fields, trees, blue sky... I would go there sometimes, when I wanted to disappear ... other times I would think of my mother, my real mother... I remembered her only vaguely... She too, was like a dream ... almost as hazy and perfect as my dreamscape... Then, occasionally, I would go nowhere at all. My mind would blank completely ... that was always the easiest. Disappearing into the dark....

Most often, however... I thought of Emma. I would think of something she'd done that day. Something she'd said. Some game we had played. It was all I could really do to keep my mind off of what I was doing.

Not to say that the feel of it was not enjoyable... I knew that it was, I was never fully gone. My body knew what it was feeling. Ecstasy is the only word for it. But, despite that, I couldn't help but feel the very action was ... wrong, somehow...

Yet, maybe that was why I never fully dedicated myself to stopping all of this... I could never be completely sure what I was thinking during these times. Everything was an unintelligible swirl of emotions, feelings, thoughts, feelings, questions and more feelings... I never quite knew what to do or think. It was easier to just not be there. To mentally leave myself...

One of the reasons this felt so wrong to me, one reason that I am absolutely sure of, anyway ... was the fact that I had always imagined I would meet someone special, and we could take this step together. But instead it was forced on me.... I knew shouldn't have allowed her to take me so easily... But she was too over powering... And as long as I could go somewhere else...--

Yet, despite all that... I still loved her. Or at least I assured myself I did. At least if I loved her what we did ... would be okay...

"He knows, you know...." I said, after a long silence.

"No, he doesn't." She yawned, dismissively.

"Maybe you're right.... But ... he's been upset lately. More than usual..."

"Don't worry about it." She yawned, "He's always like that. It's how he is."

"He's my dad. I've... known him longer than you... I can tell when something's wrong."

"So? He's my husband." She laughed, it was sharp, almost cruel... "You think I don't know him well enough? Trust me ... he doesn't know a thing..."

She seemed so confident, so complacent. I wish I could have been. She didn't know my father. She didn't know how he'd been when he lost my mother... If she knew him half as well as she thought she did she would have realized he knew about us, about what we were doing ... and had known for a while now.

"This is destroying the family...." I mumbled after another silence.

She remained silent for a moment before speaking, "No it's not."

"How can you say that..." I whimpered.

"This family was destroyed long ago. This family was destroyed before I got here, I'll tell you that. I don't mean to be harsh, but isn't that painfully obvious to you?" She laughed again.

I inadvertently slid my shoulders closer to my ears in an attempt to block out her piercing laugh. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, come on. You're father's a workaholic. He never had time for you, and you know it. You can't tell me you ever felt like you had a real family. My GOD, he missed you're graduation. Are you too naive to realize how that man behaves? This is his fault. I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you blame this on us." She grumbled, sitting up to lean against the wall. I remained curled in the fetal position. She sighed and reached over me to take a cigarette out of her box that sat on my night stand.

"Please don't smoke in my room." I sighed.

"Oh, it's not gonna hurt anything." She snorted, lighting it. "You really need to relax." There was a long pause, "Why do you do that, anyway?"

"Do what?"

"You curl into a ball like that. I wish you wouldn't. It makes me uncomfortable." She sighed, as the hazy noxious smoke of her cigarette began to fill my nostrils.

"You keep you're smoke and I'll keep my ball...." I mumbled, squeezing myself into a tighter lump.

"Feh... fine... What do I care..." She snorted.

"If ... you hate my father so much ... why did you marry him?" I asked, almost immediately after she'd finished her comment.

"I never said I hated him." She stated. There was a long silence.

"But ... do you ... love him?" I asked at last, realizing she wasn't going to elaborate.

"Once I did." She sighed. "I loved him. Then I saw what he was ... and ... when I finally told him what I saw ... it caused nothing but fighting. Pain... -- But that's over now."

"Then ... why don't you leave him?" I grumbled.

She paused for a long time, deep in thought. Her cigarette momentarily forgotten for a minute or two. Then at last she returned it to her lips, took in a deep breath and laughed that piercing laugh again, "Because -- Now I have you."

"Then ... Do you ... love me?" I ventured after a pause.

She didn't respond. She never does.

"Because... I love you..." I muttered, rolling out of my ball, and over to her. I wrapped an arm around her waist, leaning against her. She moved a hand to rub my back in an attempt to be comforting.

"I know..." She sighed as a plume of smoke escaped her lips ... but that was all she offered me. "I know..."

I sighed, sitting up again... "5:00..." I mumbled looking to my clock... Shoving my thoughts out of my head. "Might as well head down to the labs..." I grumbled, getting out of bed. I took my time getting dressed and heading out for breakfast.

I was the first one in the lab again, and the day moved on much like it had the day before, for a few hours, anyway... At about 3:30 everyone who had showed up was sent out.

Our messenger said we would be called individually if we were needed... So at 3:35 I headed back to my room, already dreadfully tired. I went to bed almost as soon as I got into my bedroom.

I was asleep...

"Otacon!" A voice slowly made its way to me, "Wake up, Emmerich! Otacon, get up!"

"Huhn?" I questioned, groggily, sitting up in my bed. "What's going on-- Wolf?" I exclaimed in surprise and happiness. "What are you doing here?"

"Shut up." She snapped, "Be quiet, and you'll be all right." She added, somewhat apologetically.

"What's going on~~?" I asked again, as she pulled me out of bed.

"I said quiet." She repeated, giving me a look that could freeze water.

I shut my mouth. She led me into the hall. Several uniformed guards were there.

"Is he the one the Boss wanted?" One of them asked.

"Yes. Dr. Hal Emmerich. He's the only one we need from here-on-out. Everyone else is expendable." She smirked slightly.

"Wolf...?" I uttered softly, "What's happening? Is everything all right?"

She looked to me sadly for a moment. "We need you..." She started, "Please, just do as you're asked." She sighed, as a guard stepped up behind me and cloth slipped in front of my nose.

"What's... going ... on....?" I slowly faded out, Wolf's startled and angry features floating in and out of my vision as she growled something I couldn't quite pick up to the guard. "...Chloro...form? ... Wolf...?"

The world Darkened....

....Darkness....

Blackout.







NOTES: Yeah, another short one. Kind of a filler chapter. Mostly flash back... The next chapter is when it gets goin'....
Otacon is mighty messed up in my interpretation. I believe he was pretty much raped, molested, whatever. As least as much raped as a man can be by a woman. I also think he was pretty young when it happened ... this adds to the harm done to him. So, yes, I think he did believe he loved Julie ... but I also think a part of him knew full well he'd been taken advantage of... I would have liked his feelings to have been a little easier to describe ... but I also think that's what makes this human. The fact that he can't say exactly what's going on in his head, let alone why.
This is how Otacon acts in my head... 9_9 No, I'm not crazy. I'm an actor (Yes, there's a difference.) Before I write for any character I try and develop an entire life for them in my mind. This makes writing for them almost unconscious, if you will. I just give myself over to the character, and he types. No, I'm not crazy.
But, seriously. He's a person, with his own problems, just like everyone else. Far be it for me to diagnose my own mind... Far be it for me to have him analyze his.