Kill the Pain! (Part 11)

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What is it with Xander lately? I'm not sure whether it's the new sense of dress he has developed or that strange look he always gets in his eyes when we are together. He looks at me as if there's something he wants to talk about, but doesn't know how to approach.

"You're thinking again," you admonish me playfully.

I look at you, walking beside me, and try to figure out my feelings. Ever since I asked you for your help on my birthday you have been there, always at my side, always close. Except when the others are around. You still don't allow them to see you.

Why haven't I told them about you? I mean, I did tell them about you, that you didn't help me fight Spike, but I could just tell them that it was a mistake, a misunderstanding. You saved me from Kralik, you have been helping me fight ever since. Why don't you want them to know you're here?

"It's a bad habit, I know. I can't seem to break it, though."

There is so much to think about. The new Watcher, Wesley, is a stiff idiot, but at least he's not Giles. Giles. I still can't believe he did what he did. Willow and Xander want me to at least try and forgive him, but how can I? After everything that happened, after letting him into my heart again, he stabbed me in the back. How can I ever trust him again?

"Come on, B," you try to cheer me up. "We took out an entire nest of Vampires earlier today and now we got this big demon fucker Angel told you about. Balthasar or whatever his name was. Let's work some of the stress out of your skinny body!"

"I'm not skinny," I protest.

We both laugh. Being with you is so easy, Faith. So comfortable. None of the pain, none of the awkwardness I feel whenever I'm around the others. I still don't know who you really are, but somehow it doesn't matter to me. It doesn't matter at all while I feel so very good around you.

We make our way toward the abandoned warehouse where Angel told us the demon is hiding. Was it Balthazar? I'm not sure. Who cares what it calls itself? We're just going to dust it. While we walk through the alleys I find myself lost in thought once more.

"Thinking about Angel again?" you ask me.

"Among other things, yes. He has been so distant as of late. I thought after that affair with the First Evil things would be all right between us, but it still feels like he doesn't ... doesn't want me anymore."

"I know someone else who definitely does want you," you giggle. I don't think I've ever heard you giggling before.

"Who?"

"Xander, of course!"

I shake my head, smiling.

"Xander has had a crush on me since we first met, but I think he's gotten over it."

"You sure about that?"

I look at you and that gleam in your eyes tells me you're up to something again.

"What are you talking about, Faith?"

You shrug, trying to look innocent. It's not something you're good at, Faith.

"Spill it," I urge you.

"Well, when I met him a few nights ago ..."

"You met him?"

"Chill, B! He didn't know it was me. Your friends never saw me, remember?"

I don't like this. I don't like this at all. I just know this isn't gonna be good, whatever you're gonna say next.

"So anyway, we were doing the dirty and ..."

"You did what?" With Xander? You and Xander? No, that's just not possible.

"Chill, B! I know you're not growing hot and bothered for anyone but Angel, but a girl sometimes needs a little distraction, you know? It's not like I'm gonna marry him or something. We just had sex."

They had sex? Faith and Xander? I can't ... no, that's just too ...

"He was screaming your name when he came!"

You couldn't have gotten a better reaction with a hard slap, Faith! First you inform me that you slept with Xander and now you're telling me that he ... he was thinking of me while he ... God, what is going on here?

"Could make a girl really jealous," you remark when I can't think of anything to say.

"You ...," I manage after a while, "you didn't tell him your name, did you? I mean, he doesn't know who you are, right?"

"Well, I didn't introduce myself before we hit the sheets."

I sigh in relief.

"But I think I remember telling him just before he first came."

My head snaps around to look at you again.

"Are you mad?" I yell. "My friends have been looking for you for months now and you go sleep with Xander and tell him your name?"

Before you have a chance to reply the night suddenly turns alive around us. Vampires, at least half a dozen of them. We fall into our fighting rhythm, no more thinking about friends or sex. No time for that. We're fighting for our lives and that's the important thing right now.

The fight passes us by in a blur and suddenly we're alone again, the only sound that of settling dust. I look at you again, all flush with the heat of battle and grinning so broadly it threatens to split your face in two.

"How could you be so stupid?" I yell at you, trying to pick up the earlier conversation.

Suddenly there is another sound. Someone else is close. We both tense, hearing it. Directly ahead. Moving forward without making a sound we see a shadow on the wall. Thought and action become one. I grab the figure suddenly appearing in front of me and throw it against a nearby garbage container.

You leap toward the prone figure and drive your stake into its chest. Too easy. I think the Vamps are starting to slip. Why isn't he turning to dust already? Is that ... blood?

"My God," I hear myself mutter as I crouch down beside the man. A man. Not a Vamp. Alive. A human being. Blood is pumping from the gaping hole in his chest and he's looking at me with a look of total surprise.

A moment later he is gone. The eyes are still open, but no one is looking out of them anymore. He's gone. There is blood on my hands. Human blood.

"Tough luck," I hear you say behind me. My entire body is rigid with shock. How could this happen? We aren't supposed to kill humans.

"Come on, B! We have to get out of here!"

"But ... but we ... we killed him. He's human ... he ..."

"He is dead. Wrong place, wrong time! Now let's get out of here!"

I'm too much in shock to do anything but go along as you drag me out of that alley, away from something that can't have been a living, breathing human being. It just can't. We are the Slayers. We don't kill humans. We just don't. It's not even possible.

There is still blood on my hands. So much blood.

"Stop, Faith," I scream, throwing off your hand that dragged me along. I look at you and you just look back, not looking any different than before. Doesn't this touch you?

"We have to ... we have to tell someone!"

"Yeah," you mock me. "Hi, officer. We were looking for some Vampires and this poor fellow got into the way, so we staked him. I'm sure you understand. They'll lock us up in the lunatic ward faster than you can say 'nutcase'!"

"But ... but we killed a man, Faith! We can't just leave him there and ..."

"Why not? I'm sure he doesn't mind."

I'm speechless. You're behaving like it doesn't matter at all.

"I have to tell the others."

"The others, yeah? Who? Giles, who stabbed you in the back? Your new Watcher, that stiff idiot? Your friends, whom you lied to about me all these months? Your mom, whom you hardly talk to anymore? Who're you gonna talk to, B? Who will understand what happened here today?"

I shake my head. No, I can't just let this pass me by.

"I have to tell them. Faith, we have to tell them. I can't keep your presence a secret any longer. Not after what you ... what we just did."

You just shrug.

"Fine! Go tell your friends all about me! Tell them what happened! See how they will react! But don't come crying back to me and say I didn't warn you!"

With those final words you're gone, vanished into the darkness. I gather my resolve, what little there is of it. I have to tell the others. I've let this go much too far.

God, there is so much blood on my hands.


TO BE CONTINUED