Chapter 4
~ One Week Ago ~
Looking up at her curiously, but seriously, Catherine asked. "How can you sit by and watch, Sara? I thought you two had something?"
"You always want what's best for your friends." She started shakily, but cleared her throat gently. "I've known Jess since I came here and she's had nothing but grief from boyfriends, family and work. She deserves happiness like everyone else."
"What about you? Don't you deserve happiness?" Catherine asked softly.
Sara leaned forward and stared down at the carpet. "It's like when I was a kid. You go through life and your friends always get the things you want, but after a while of losing your friends to the things you want, you don't get use to it, but it becomes naturally. I don't need anything. I just try and live my life without disrupting those around me."
Catherine listened and was disappointed that she had avoided her question, but she seemed to understand that Sara just told her something that was part of who she was because of it. She'd lost to her friends for years and was now withdrawn so much that it happened naturally. She wanted everyone around her to be happy and if it meant she was left behind, then she'd live with it. "You can't think like that Sara. You deserve to have someone like everyone else."
"No." She breathed. "I'm not like my friends, I don't have what it takes to get what I want. I don't like to mess with people."
"But it's ok for them to mess with you?" Catherine asked angrily. She stood up and stared down at her friend. "I hope you'd stop me if it meant you being happy Sara. I wouldn't want to get in your way if it meant happiness."
Sara looked up at her and smiled wanly. "You can't say that, because if you were in a position that meant your happiness, what would you do to stop me from ruining your life?" She shook her head. "Believe it or not, I've lost many friends because of what you just suggested. If you pursued a man I liked, I'd let you. I'm not stupid enough to ruin three lives, when it's easier to bare one burden alone than hate and anger from two others."
"You're telling me your not going to stop Jessie because she's had a hard life and now she's found someone and she's happy, you're going to sit by and watch." Catherine's voice was rough and full of disappointment.
Sara sighed and stood up. "I'm not saying anything. Its her life, not mine."
"It could be yours." Catherine suggested more gently.
Avoiding her eyes, Sara couldn't help but think for a moment that it would be nice to actually have what she wanted for once, but like the other day, she doesn't believe in wishes, fate or meant-to-be's anymore. She needed to forget what she was feeling and get on with life, her life. Work and surviving each day was what she had left. She'd always dreaded that someone like Catherine would point out that she deserved every bit of happiness everyone else does, but truthfully, she wouldn't know what to do if that were true.
"We better get to work Catherine." She dismissed any further discussion and headed for the door as the locker room door opened.
Warrick and Nick walked in with solemn looks on their faces, pinning her escape and closing the door. "You really think you don't deserve happiness, Sara?" Nick asked painfully.
She looked at them with sorrow in her eyes. "I've never known what that is Nicky."
Catherine stood behind her and lightly touched her shoulder. "You have Sara. We've all seen you happy, you just have to follow it." She advised.
Warrick agreed and stepped forward to take her hand. "Over the past four months we've seen you supporting a relationship you never wanted to witness."
"You mean Jess and Grissom?" She asked, knowing exactly what they were talking about and they knew she was avoiding the topic even more.
Nick stood by her. "It could be different Sara. It's not permanent."
She laughed lightly and shook her head as she pushed past them. "You are telling me that I should break up something just so I can be happy?" She asked in disbelief. She turned back to them as she pulled on her jacket. "Have you seen either of them as happy as they are now? No." She answered for them. She was becoming more agitated by the second. "I will not ruin their lives because I have a crush on Grissom." She turned away at her sudden admission, but was more surprised when she started to cry.
Catherine and Warrick walked towards her, but it was Nick who pulled her into a hug. "We've known that for years Sar."
"It doesn't make it right." She sobbed into his shirt. Warrick held Catherine's hand as they watched their friends. Nick held Sara tightly as she cried. She'd never admitted she had a crush and to be honest, they all knew it was more.
~ Present ~
Shift was nearing its end and Jessie stood in reception, waiting. She saw Sara and called her over. Sara put on her smile and hugged her, but the smell of after-shave made her smile fade. "You smell like after-shave Jess."
Jessie grinned. "I know. This guy was so cute. I went to a bar last night and came home with a gorgeous policeman."
Sara's eyes widened. "Are you cheating on Grissom?" She asked with a hint of anger. Although she couldn't have him, she wouldn't stand by and let Jess hurt him by cheating.
~ One Week Ago ~
Looking up at her curiously, but seriously, Catherine asked. "How can you sit by and watch, Sara? I thought you two had something?"
"You always want what's best for your friends." She started shakily, but cleared her throat gently. "I've known Jess since I came here and she's had nothing but grief from boyfriends, family and work. She deserves happiness like everyone else."
"What about you? Don't you deserve happiness?" Catherine asked softly.
Sara leaned forward and stared down at the carpet. "It's like when I was a kid. You go through life and your friends always get the things you want, but after a while of losing your friends to the things you want, you don't get use to it, but it becomes naturally. I don't need anything. I just try and live my life without disrupting those around me."
Catherine listened and was disappointed that she had avoided her question, but she seemed to understand that Sara just told her something that was part of who she was because of it. She'd lost to her friends for years and was now withdrawn so much that it happened naturally. She wanted everyone around her to be happy and if it meant she was left behind, then she'd live with it. "You can't think like that Sara. You deserve to have someone like everyone else."
"No." She breathed. "I'm not like my friends, I don't have what it takes to get what I want. I don't like to mess with people."
"But it's ok for them to mess with you?" Catherine asked angrily. She stood up and stared down at her friend. "I hope you'd stop me if it meant you being happy Sara. I wouldn't want to get in your way if it meant happiness."
Sara looked up at her and smiled wanly. "You can't say that, because if you were in a position that meant your happiness, what would you do to stop me from ruining your life?" She shook her head. "Believe it or not, I've lost many friends because of what you just suggested. If you pursued a man I liked, I'd let you. I'm not stupid enough to ruin three lives, when it's easier to bare one burden alone than hate and anger from two others."
"You're telling me your not going to stop Jessie because she's had a hard life and now she's found someone and she's happy, you're going to sit by and watch." Catherine's voice was rough and full of disappointment.
Sara sighed and stood up. "I'm not saying anything. Its her life, not mine."
"It could be yours." Catherine suggested more gently.
Avoiding her eyes, Sara couldn't help but think for a moment that it would be nice to actually have what she wanted for once, but like the other day, she doesn't believe in wishes, fate or meant-to-be's anymore. She needed to forget what she was feeling and get on with life, her life. Work and surviving each day was what she had left. She'd always dreaded that someone like Catherine would point out that she deserved every bit of happiness everyone else does, but truthfully, she wouldn't know what to do if that were true.
"We better get to work Catherine." She dismissed any further discussion and headed for the door as the locker room door opened.
Warrick and Nick walked in with solemn looks on their faces, pinning her escape and closing the door. "You really think you don't deserve happiness, Sara?" Nick asked painfully.
She looked at them with sorrow in her eyes. "I've never known what that is Nicky."
Catherine stood behind her and lightly touched her shoulder. "You have Sara. We've all seen you happy, you just have to follow it." She advised.
Warrick agreed and stepped forward to take her hand. "Over the past four months we've seen you supporting a relationship you never wanted to witness."
"You mean Jess and Grissom?" She asked, knowing exactly what they were talking about and they knew she was avoiding the topic even more.
Nick stood by her. "It could be different Sara. It's not permanent."
She laughed lightly and shook her head as she pushed past them. "You are telling me that I should break up something just so I can be happy?" She asked in disbelief. She turned back to them as she pulled on her jacket. "Have you seen either of them as happy as they are now? No." She answered for them. She was becoming more agitated by the second. "I will not ruin their lives because I have a crush on Grissom." She turned away at her sudden admission, but was more surprised when she started to cry.
Catherine and Warrick walked towards her, but it was Nick who pulled her into a hug. "We've known that for years Sar."
"It doesn't make it right." She sobbed into his shirt. Warrick held Catherine's hand as they watched their friends. Nick held Sara tightly as she cried. She'd never admitted she had a crush and to be honest, they all knew it was more.
~ Present ~
Shift was nearing its end and Jessie stood in reception, waiting. She saw Sara and called her over. Sara put on her smile and hugged her, but the smell of after-shave made her smile fade. "You smell like after-shave Jess."
Jessie grinned. "I know. This guy was so cute. I went to a bar last night and came home with a gorgeous policeman."
Sara's eyes widened. "Are you cheating on Grissom?" She asked with a hint of anger. Although she couldn't have him, she wouldn't stand by and let Jess hurt him by cheating.