Kill the Pain! (Part 12)

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When I arrive at High School I'm surprised to find that everyone is already there. Angel, Willow, Xander, Giles, Wesley, Oz, even Cordelia. I could hear their voices from the outside, but now everyone is quiet and looking at me.

Why do I get the feeling they were talking about me?

Angel's eyes catch mine and the worry I find there chills me to the bone. His eyes travel lower and I realize that my hands are still covered in blood. Human blood.

"Buffy? You all right?" Willow asks, moving as if to come closer, then deciding against it. Why do they all look at me this way? Do they ... do they know what happened? What we did?

"I'm ... I'm okay, this ... this isn't my blood."

I try to wipe my hands clean on my pants, but that only manages to stain the leather. It won't come off. It just won't come off.

"Tell us what happened," Wesley says, his voice sounding neither whining nor pompous for a change. He sounds deeply worried, though.

"Something ... I have to tell you. I ... I kept something from you. All of you." I look at Angel. "Again."

No one is saying anything, just looking at me. I can't meet their gazes and study the floor.

"It's ... it's about Faith."

I can see Xander flinch from the corner of my eye. Apparently you told me the truth, Faith, why else would he look at me this way? God, I can't believe he slept with you. Is it also true that he screamed my name when he ... you know?

"She ... she came back when ... on my eighteenth birthday. She helped me defeat Kralic and so I ... I started hanging out with her again. We went on patrol together, we went to parties."

"You didn't tell us," Angel says, never taking his eyes off me. Giles is keeping in the background and the bare mention of my birthday seems to make him feel miserable. Good. He deserves every bit of it.

"No, I ... I didn't. I'm not sure why, I just ... I don't know. It felt so good to hang with her again. So right. She understands me, she helped me when no one else was there."

Angel moves a step forward and I have to hold myself back from falling into his arms. We might not be what we once were, but I still know I can trust him. Which is more than I can say for the rest of the people here.

"You said you first met Faith in LA. Under what circumstances?"

"What has that got to do with anything? I'm talking about tonight. Tonight Faith and I ... we ..."

"What did you do?" Wesley asks, paler than I've ever seen him.

"We were going after that demon Angel told us about. Some Vampires ambushed us in an alley and we fought. We thought we'd gotten them all, but then we both sensed someone else. We attacked, I threw him against the wall and Faith ... she staked him. Only it ... it wasn't ..."

"It wasn't a Vampire," Angel states. Seeing my surprised look, he adds, "that is human blood on your hands."

"Yes," I say, my voice barely audible. Stunned silence falls over the room.

"We need to handle this somehow," Wesley says after a long moment. "We need to make sure this accident can not be traced back to you, Buffy."

"Me? Wesley, didn't you listen? It wasn't me. It was Faith! She staked him. I didn't even see the guy properly."

Angel comes closer and puts a hand on my shoulder. Only now do I realize I'm trembling. God, why do they keep looking at me this way?

"Buffy, please! Tell us how you first met Faith! We need to know everything if we're to help you!"

"What are you talking about? Faith is the one who needs help. She killed a human and doesn't even feel guilty about it. She just shrugged and said tough luck!"

"Buffy," Giles begins, nervously cleaning his glasses. "If we are to ... to find this ... Faith, then we ... we need to know everything about her. How you met, what you did together, everything."

I'm about five seconds away from exploding. How dare Giles tell me what I have to do? After what he ... Angel gently drapes his arms around me and I can feel myself growing calmer. Right, Faith. We need to find you. You need help.

"Okay. Sure. When I was in LA after ... after sending Angel ... I was miserable. All broken pieces. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore and I was hurting so much. Every day seemed to be harder than the next one, just waking up took more than I wanted to give."

I sigh. I never told them this, but maybe they deserve to hear it. Maybe once they know they'll finally try to understand.

"Then one night I wanted to kill myself." Everyone falls silent, staring at me in shock. "I had a knife and was about to slice my own wrists. Only it didn't happen. Faith appeared and held me back."

Giles and Angel are looking at each other. I can almost feel some sort of silent communication between them. What is going on here?

"After meeting her ... it got easier. The pain didn't go away, but she helped me push it aside. We went out slaying, partying, and for brief moments I didn't feel anything. Then she convinced me to go back to Sunnydale."

I tell them the entire story. Our talks, our going hunting together, everything. It comes pouring out of my mouth and I no longer care whether you like it or not, Faith! You killed someone and you don't even see that it's wrong. I'm not like that. I can never be like that.

Again there are those significant looks exchanged between Angel and Giles.

"What were you guys talking about when I came in?" I remember them suddenly falling silent. Something is not right here and I shake off Angel's arms. "What is going on here?"

"Buffy," Willow comes closer, "it's good ... good that you told us. Don't you ... don't you think you should take it a bit easy now? Just a good night's sleep and we can talk about what we'll do about ... about Faith tomorrow."

"No, Will! You don't know Faith! When I told her that we had to tell someone about this, she just laughed. I need to find her before she does something stupid. You have to help me find her."

Again with the looks.

"What is wrong with you?" I yell at them. "You're behaving like you don't believe me. Faith is dangerous, we have to find her!"

I see the uncertain expression on their faces and turn to Xander.

"Xander, you met her! She told me that you ... you and she, I mean ... well, what do you think? Couldn't you tell that she is dangerous?"

"Buffy, I...," he starts, but then falls silent. Is he embarrassed that he slept with you? Willow is looking at him, but there is none of the outrage I expected. Did she know? Did he tell her? Why didn't he tell me? He had to think I was still looking for you. Why didn't he tell me he saw you?

"Xander, what is happening here? Why didn't you tell me about your little nightly encounter with Faith? Why are you all looking at me as if I was insane?"

I realize that I'm screaming, but I don't care. Someone died tonight and they don't seem to listen to me. We have to find you, Faith, don't they see that?

"Buffy, please," Angel comes closer again. "Just wind down a little, please! We'll handle this."

"By standing around and giving me funny looks?" I yell at them, moving away from Angel.

"Buffy, let us help you," Giles says.

"You're the last one I need help from," I scream at him. "Where were you when Kralic tried to eat me and my mom? Where were you when I had to kill Angel and send him to Hell? None of you were there to help me when I needed you. It's always just me helping you, me sacrificing everything to save this fucking world. And what happens on those few occasions when I need help? I'm stabbed in the back over and over again!"

I look at all of them, seeing the shocked expressions on their faces. Can't take the truth, is that it? You were right, Faith! You are wrong about the killing, but you were right about my friends.

Angel is reaching for me again, but I understand now. They can't help me. They won't. All of them, even Angel, will never be able to understand me. I need to find you, Faith. Somehow I have to salvage this situation, we can help each other. We don't need anyone else.

Together the two of us are unstoppable.


TO BE CONTINUED