Disclaimer: All characters are property of Square. No profit is being made from their use.
Author's Note: I actually started this fic last Christmas, but never finished it. It was intended as a follow-up to 'Christmas Spirit,' and the start of a yearly holiday tradition. But I failed… To make up for it, this year you get this story, along with the forthcoming 'Holiday Spirit.' This fic is short and pointless, and it kinda sucks, despite efforts to make it better, but I hope you have fun with it. I apologize if this offends anyone religiously. For anyone curious about the continuity, 'Christmas Spirit' takes place two years before the movie. 'X-mas Spirit' is on year before.
X-MAS SPIRIT
"I win." Neil's singsong voice grated on Jane's nerves as she stared in horror at the cards he held in his hand.
"But… you never win poker!" Jane choked out. Her cards dropped from her numb fingers.
"Must be one of those holiday miracles," Neil laughed, and began to scrape his winnings into his hand. Ryan looked solemn as several crinkled bills disappeared into Neil's possession. The lucky tech began to hum, "It's the most wonderful time of the year," as he began to count his winnings.
"Why does that song make me shudder?" Ryan muttered.
Neil ignored them as he sorted the bills, but when he paused, holding up a slip of notebook paper in his hand, Jane felt her heart freeze. Uh-oh…
"An IOU?" Neil said incredulously, staring at Jane. "I thought we were dealing with real cash!"
"I thought you were bluffing and that I was going to win," Jane said defensively. "I used up the last of my cash Christmas shopping for my family."
"So you owe me," Neil said, steepling his fingers. There was a sinister gleam in his eyes that chilled her.
"I can pay you with my next check," Jane said hurriedly, before Neil could get any crazy ideas.
"You owe me…" he repeated. "Sarge, don't you think I should get what's coming to me now?" he asked.
Ryan pulled away. "Hey, leave me out of this," the sergeant said.
"You owe me," Neil said again. "And if you don't have any money now, then there are other ways to pay me."
Jane sighed. "If you want me to take over kitchen patrol for you this Christmas, you're going to have to clear that with a higher authority."
Neil looked offended. "Jane, I would never dream of putting you in a kitchen," he said. "You'd probably poison my Christmas gruel. No…" his smile widened. "I want you to be my virgin."
* * *
Neil lightly touched the swollen lump above his left eye and winced. Maybe I should have phrased that better, he thought. Oh, well. At least she agreed to it. "Does it fit, Jane?" he called through the door.
A series of curses unfit for a lady and a horrifying tearing noise were the only responses for a moment, then, "I'm not going through with this."
"Sure you are," Neil said encouragingly. "You owe me, remember?"
More swearing greeted his reply but then the door opened and, with a swirl of skirts, Jane came out. "What do you think?" she asked through clenched teeth.
She stood before him clad in a long, loose dress and robe. Her shoulder-length hair was loose about her face, softening her features. He gave an appreciative whistle. "You'd be the very image of Virgin Mary if it weren't for that scowl. Not very heavenly, Jane."
Jane's scowl only deepened. "Neil, I'm not an actress. I'd never have agreed to this stupid Christmas pageant if it weren't for that IOU. I'd almost swear you rigged the game so I'd lose."
Neil's face was the picture of innocence. "Now, Jane, where's your holiday spirit? I volunteered to direct the pageant. Is it so hard for you to participate in it? Think about the children! They'll be so happy."
"Yeah, they'll really love it when I pull a Nocturne out from under my dress and nail you with it." She brushed at the dress, then grabbed the loose cloth over her abdomen and stretched it outward. "Do I have to wear a beach ball underneath?" she asked resignedly.
"Baby Jesus didn't arrive by stork," Neil said dryly. But he smiled. Now that Jane was over her initial protests, she would hopefully be more accepting of her role. He hoped. "It'll be fun," Neil said, allowing a plaintive note to creep into his voice. "And the children really do love the pageant."
Jane sighed. "All right. I'll do whatever you say, Mr. Director. Within reason," she added quickly. "Who knows? Maybe this will be fun."
* * *
It was probably a bad sign when the man playing her husband nearly wet himself when he first saw her. Jane hadn't believed there were men so scrawny and short that they made Neil look buff, but when Jane met Rupert, the man playing Joseph, she'd burst out laughing. The tiny man with the thick glasses and frizzy black hair was just too much. No wonder Mary was still a virgin, Jane thought irreverently.
Neil saw her look and gave her a crooked grin. "He's all I could get," he whispered. "I had one of the 307's, but General Hein took him away. I don't think he's forgiven me for the snowball thing last year."
"Or the time you took his coat to the Halloween party," Jane added.
"That was an accident!"
"And then there was that one incident," Jane continued, a devilish gleam in her eyes, "you know, when you accidentally crashed the entire USMF computer systems when you spilled coffee on that computer console…"
"You can't prove that was me!" Neil yelped. Then, "We don't have time for this. There are only three days until the pageant, and we need all the rehearsals we can get."
"Right," Jane said, plastering a serene smile on her face as Neil directed her to stand next to Rupert. The man blinked owlishly at her, then cringed away. She didn't that forbidding, did she? She gave the man what she hoped was a reassuring grin, but from the way he backed away from her, she wondered if the expression had looked more predatory than she'd intended. This, she thought with a sigh, was going to be a long couple of days.
* * *
Rehearsals: Day One
"Cut!" Neil's voice was raw as he screamed the word for what must have been the millionth time in the past half hour. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see the chaos on the stage before him. Was it really that hard to work with a donkey? Irritated, he stood up from his chair and stalked across the stage, where Rupert was eyeing the donkey he was leading as if it was going to devour him, and Jane was beneath the donkey's hooves, her skirts tangled around her. The donkey, a normally sedate creature named Ernie, had a bemused expression on his long face.
"What's the problem now?" Neil asked, glaring down at Jane. He considered casting a nasty glance towards Rupert, as well, but the man already looked scared enough to run off and bury his head under the covers and not come out until the holidays were over. "Jane, this is the fifteenth time we've tried this. How hard is it to ride a donkey ten feet to the stables over there?"
Jane stared up at him from her awkward position. "You sounded like General Hein just now," she said, her face almost awed. Then she scowled. "Neil, this… beast doesn't like me!" she gestured at the donkey angrily. "He does this thing while he's walking that throws me off balance, and with this damned beach ball up my skirt, I can't do anything to catch myself! And Mr. Too-Scared-Of-His-Own-Shadow here," she gestured sharply towards Rupert, "doesn't do anything to stop the donkey!"
"So the donkey is out to get you," Neil said musingly. "Jane, you're getting paranoid. Have you considered seeing the therapist about this? It could be Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder."
Angrily, Jane tried to get up, but the beach ball strapped to her middle made it awkward, and her cursing made Ernie flatten his ears and plant one hoof on Jane's robe. It tore when Jane attempted to jerk it loose, and Neil groaned. The dress had been used for Christmas pageants for the past ten years with a minimum of wear and tear. Now, it was starting to look as if the dress wouldn't even survive until the pageant.
"Here," Neil sighed. "Let me help you up." Jane couldn't seem to get to her feet, and she grudgingly took Neil's proffered hand.
"This settles it," Jane said, smacking the bulge from the beach ball. "I am never having children." The force of the blow detached the ball, and it hit the floor with a hollow noise that spooked Ernie. The donkey brayed, lunging forward and knocking Rupert into the cardboard façade that represented the stable. The wall collapsed atop the hapless man as Jane sprinted past him to catch the donkey before he could escape the stage.
Neil closed his eyes and pressed his hand to his forehead. It can only get better after this. It can only get better after this. Please, God, let it get better after this!
* * *
Rehearsals: Day Two
Rupert looked as if his nerves were shot. Jane watched him from her high perch out of the corner of her eye as he cautiously led Ernie towards the inn. The donkey seemed more subdued today, as if his rampage yesterday had taken a lot out of him. Or maybe he had more insidious plans in mind, and was only biding his time.
Oh, good, I'm trying to guess at the machinations of a donkey. Maybe Neil's right, and I am suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Jane tightened her grip on the donkey's neck, however, just in case he was planning something.
Jane suppressed her sigh as, for the fifth time that day, they met with the innkeeper. The man performed his lines with a bored air, and Jane held her breath in anticipation, hoping that, this time, Neil would find their performance perfect. She'd had no idea he'd be such an… anal director.
Her hope was shattered when she heard a groan of the direction of Neil's seat. What did we do now? she thought angrily. That's it, I've had it…
"I'm sorry," the innkeeper was saying, though he didn't sound as if he meant it. "We have no empty rooms. All I can offer you is the use of my stables."
"We'll accept-" Rupert began, but Jane cleared her throat.
"Are you out of your mind, honey?" Jane asked sweetly. "There's no friggin' way I'm having this child in a stable. Stand up to the man! Demand a room!"
The innkeeper started, and Rupert gave her a baffled look. "Jane, what are you doing?" she heard Neil call, but she ignored him.
"What kind of man would make a woman give birth in a stable?" Jane continued. "You should be ashamed of yourself. Ru – I mean, Joseph, make this man give me a room!" The two men squirmed uncomfortably, but Jane was having too much fun to quit now. "If you don't, then I will!" She slid off Ernie, and was rather proud that she didn't fall on her face while doing so. "I'm going to kick your ass if you don't give me a room!" Jane yowled, lunging for the innkeeper.
She was caught in a surprisingly strong grip by Neil. She hadn't expected him to come after her, and her flailing hand collided with his nose. "Sorry," she said contritely, as Neil cupped his hand over his bleeding nose. "I didn't see you there."
"I've been doing this role for five years," the innkeeper said, a bemused expression on his face, "and I have never seen Virgin Mary go on a rampage."
Jane tried her best to look serene, and smoothed the dress over the bulge of the beach ball. "It's the hormones," she said.
* * *
Rehearsals: Day Three
"Okay, Jane, the three wise men here have agreed that, if you try to assault the innkeeper again, they're going to tackle you." Neil's voice was slightly nasal because of his broken nose; he was actually rather amazed she could understand him at all.
The three wise men consisted of Ryan, Gray, and Jason, a guy Neil liked to think of as Random Deep Eyes Soldier #3. Unlike Jane, Ryan and Gray had agreed to participate in the pageant of their own free will. After Neil got down on his knees and begged, of course.
"I'll behave," Jane said, sighing. "After all, the pageant is tonight, right?"
Neil winced at the reminder. There was no way they'd be ready in a few hours… Not without a Christmas miracle. He rolled his eyes heavenward. I could really, really, use a miracle right around now, he thought.
"Has it really been so bad?" Ryan asked curiously.
"Knowing Jane, I'm shocked it hasn't been worse," Gray said.
Jane grinned crookedly. "This will go better. I promise," she said.
Something about those words gave Neil a chill. "All right," he said. "Let's begin. We'll do a complete rehearsal – we're going to run through the entire thing without stopping, and see how we do."
"So no dealing with the innkeeper twenty times in a row?" Jane asked, disappointed.
"Thank God," Gordon, the innkeeper, muttered to Jason. "This woman scares me."
Neil ignored their remarks as he retrieved Ernie from where the donkey was patiently waiting. He wondered if he dared slip the donkey another pill to mellow the beast out, as he had yesterday, but then decided that Jane had had enough time with the donkey to handle it without help from drugs.
He handed the donkey's lead line to Rupert, who took it with shaking fingers. "You okay?" Neil asked. Rupert nodded, and led Ernie towards Jane. He was pleased to see that Jane mounted the donkey like a pro, even with the awkwardness of the beach ball. Given a few more days, this pageant would have had a chance.
It was a shame they didn't have those few days.
With a feeling of dread, Neil took a seat in the director's chair he'd been so proud of earning after four years of playing a sheep in the pageant (the kids had loved his performance, and Neil was always willing to make an idiot of himself if it meant making children happy.) And it wasn't all Jane's fault, he was forced to admit. He was the one who hadn't been able to assemble a quality cast, after all. And he'd procrastinated; everyone knew the story of the Christmas pageant, after all. Why would he have to get everyone together a whole month before Christmas to rehearse something they already knew? It was a waste of time. Stupid, stupid, stupid…
"Places everyone," Neil yelled. Everyone shuffled to their assigned spots with a minimum of fuss. At least he'd worked out the kinks there… "And… action."
Things started out smoothly. Though he saw things that irked his perfectionist nature, he let it go. If he was going to correct every goof the actors made, he'd need a few more years. He held his breath as Rupert spoke to the innkeeper, and Jane kept silent the whole time. Neil sighed with relief. The sigh made his broken nose throb.
They made it to the stable safely, and Neil began to hope. As Ernie was placed in the nearest stall, and Jane removed the beach ball from her dress, Neil began to relax. The scenes with the donkey had been the worst – everything from this point on would be smooth sailing.
Or not. As the wise men made their appearance, Rupert picked up the swaddled bundle that represented Baby Jesus. And dropped it.
Everything seemed to happen in slow motion, from Rupert's yelp of shock, to Ryan's surprised guffaw, to Jane diving to the ground to catch the bundle seconds too late, her fingers grazing the swaddling… the bundle hit the ground and exploded in a cloud of white powder that covered Jane, Rupert, the three wise men, and a startled donkey. Neil was suddenly very, very glad he'd used a sack of flour instead of a real baby for the pageant.
"You klutz!" Jane howled, getting to her feet. The dress, Neil noticed as he slowly got to his feet, had ripped again, a slit along the side that showed Jane's shapely thigh. Odd; he'd never thought of her as the type to wear pantyhose. "What the hell were you doing?"
Rupert shrank back. "I was following the script! It's not my fault it fell!"
"Look at this mess!" Jane continued, not even listening to the other man's protests. "The pageant is in a few hours, and the set… the dress… ruined! I've had enough-"
"No, I've had enough," Rupert countered. His unexpected rage made Jane draw back. "You've been harassing me since you joined the cast. Well, I won't take it any more! I quit!" He stormed off, his footsteps raising white puffs with every step. Jane, quite unaware of how ridiculous she looked with her face and hair coated with the white powder, could only stare after him. Then, as if the deciding the situation weren't bad enough, Ernie leaned over the stall partition and began to eat the hay in what they'd used for Jesus' manger, making a mess as he slobbered over the props.
The other cast members had gathered around, watching the drama unfold with glee. Ryan had a camera out, and he snapped a picture of the scene. Jane whirled around, and Ryan backed away, suddenly realizing his life could be in danger. "You'll look back at this and laugh one day!" he said defensively. "We can get it out after really bad Phantom missions."
"Or it's good blackmail material," Gray said, arching his brow. Ryan looked abashed, but didn't defend himself.
"Or you could sell it to a newspaper, where it can accompany an article called 'Worst Pageant Ever,'" Neil said dully. The others looked at him, shocked at the normally cheerful man's gloom. "The pageant's in a few hours, and now I don't even have a Joseph. What am I going to do?" Shoulders slumped, he left the gymnasium without looking back.
* * *
The Pageant
She had no idea if the pageant was even going to happen. She'd gotten no message from Neil calling it off, and the seats set up in the gym were already filling up with excited children. It would seem as if the show must go on… but no one had been able to get a hold of Neil since his departure. He could be holed up somewhere, too depressed to even speak to anybody.
The entire cast was there, sans Rupert, of course. They milled around backstage, wondering what was going to happen. "We could do this ourselves," Jane offered tentatively.
"Without a Joseph? I know you're a liberated woman, Jane, but Mary wasn't." Gray rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Maybe I could play Joseph."
Jane wrinkled her nose before she could stop herself. "Or not," Gray said, sounding offended.
"Sorry, sir," Jane said. "It's just…" She shrugged, leaving Gray none the wiser.
"Well, we have to do something," Ryan said, after peering out at the audience. "They're getting restive out there. I think if we don't do something, the kids are going to attack. It's like a mass of Phantoms." His eyes were wide.
"I dunno, maybe we can put it off 'til tomorrow?" Jane suggested.
"It's Christmas Eve. If we delay the pageant any further, it won't be quite so timely." Gray glanced at his watch. "I'm going to go look for Neil," he said. "Ryan, go out there and distract them."
"Me, sir?" Ryan asked.
"If I sent Jane out there, she'd scare the kids," Gray said, shrugging. True, Jane acknowledged to herself.
"You know," the third wise man broke in, "there are other people here. You could ask one of us-"
Gray ignored him. "Just… sing Christmas carols or something."
"Sir, have you heard his singing voice?" Jane protested. "It sounds like a dying Phantom."
"We have no time for this," Gray scowled. "Just do something while I-"
"While you do what?" a voice interrupted. "Captain, you can't leave now, the pageant's about to start!" Neil had come up behind them, a strange grin on his bandaged face.
"Where have you been?" the Deep Eyes cried in unison.
Neil shrugged. "Well, I spent about an hour curled into a fetal position with a bottle of vodka for about an hour, then I thought I'd go try to convince Rupert to come back and play Joseph, only I was a bit tipsy and begged the wrong person to play the role. Fortunately, General Hein was kind enough to sober me up by shoving my head into the toilet. Then I took a shower," he added quickly when he saw the others back away, "and, well, here I am."
"Yeah, great," Jane said, "but aren't you forgetting something?"
"Huh?"
"Unless General Hein agreed to play Joseph – " Jane had to pause to suppress a giggle at the image that sprang to mind, "we don't have anyone in that role."
Neil's broad grin made her wonder if he was still "a bit tipsy." "No problem. It took me awhile to realize, but there's only one other person besides Rupert who knows the part by heart." He stepped back and gestured to the dark blue robe he wore. "Me." He peeled the bandage off his nose, wincing as the tape stretched his bruised skin as it pulled away. "As long as I put that right back on afterwards, I should be all right," he said, when he saw their concern. "So what are we waiting for, people? Places, everyone!"
* * *
For a brief period, he and Jane were husband and wife. He could hold her hand and touch her more intimately than he'd ever been able to before. Her skin felt surprisingly soft under his hands, and her face was sweet as he first led her to the inn, then to the stables. He knew it was all an act, and that once the pageant was over, she'd be back to her abrasive self again. But for now, he could pretend.
When it ended, he stood beside Jane and bowed to the clapping children. This, he decided, is much more satisfying than playing a sheep. But I don't think they could get me drunk enough to agree to do this again next year…
As the kids were guided out, Neil crossed his arms and watched. "That went well," Neil said to no one in particular. Most of the cast had already left to change out of their costumes. "They didn't even notice that the captain flubbed his one line."
He was surprised to feel a hand on his shoulder. "No one saw the safety pins holding my dress together, either," Jane said. In her free hand, she offered Neil the bandage for his nose. "Or the fact that your voice is more nasal than usual."
Neil grinned, a painful expression that made his eyes water. "You weren't too bad."
"Thanks. I think. I should have taken it more seriously, though. You did put a lot of effort into this."
"True," Neil said. "But you've given me some interesting memories. The Amazing Exploding Jesus will live forever in my mind. And my photo album; Ryan's gonna give me a copy of that pic." He smiled wickedly. "I think it would make a great Christmas card photo. Do you think your parents will like one?"
She smacked his shoulder playfully. "Don't you dare," she said, mock angrily. Then, "So, what now?"
"The props are going to be returned to the church, after I find someone to repair that dress. And Ernie needs to go home tonight." Neil turned away from the now-empty bleachers and walked towards the stable, where Ernie was again contentedly munching the hay around the swaddled bag of flour. The swaddling itself had holes where the donkey had chewed it. "Monster," Neil said, lightly swatting the donkey's head. "Listen, Jane," he said after a moment, turning to face her. "Thanks for doing this. I mean, I know it's not your thing and all."
"Yeah, but I did owe you something. And this way was relatively painless."
Neil touched his nose and raised his eyebrows. "Painless for me," she added quickly. "Sorry about the nose. Is… I probably shouldn't ask this… Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
"You can kiss it and make it better," Neil joked. "Actually, you could-" he tried to amend, but couldn't, because her lips were on his. He couldn't do anything but reciprocate, and when they parted, he was a little breathless – after he, he couldn't breath through his nose. "That wasn't my nose," he said. "What was that for? There's not another ice cube down my back, is there?"
"I almost ruined everything. Consider it a promise that next year, I'll be a much better wife." With that, she gracefully strode away.
"Well, it looks like I'm going to be doing this again next year, after all," Neil commented to Ernie. Next year, I'll be a much better wife… Was that a promise of something more? "You know, I can't wait until next Christmas," he told the donkey, who rolled his eye as if he understood what Neil was saying and was exasperated by it. "Ah, what do you care? I think next year, I'm going to have the captain play your role. I don't think he could flub that."
Neil just grinned, the wheels already spinning as he thought about what he'd change for next Christmas.
It was a shame, really, that he wouldn't live to put those plans into action.
The End