Kill the Pain! (Part 15)

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I'm looking at you, Faith, and suddenly it all becomes clear.

We're in Los Angeles and I'm about to kill myself. You appear, sitting down on the bed, bending the iron railing with your hand to show me that you're a Slayer like me. From the corner of my eye I can see the mirror hanging above the small cupboard on the other side of the room and there is only one person sitting on the bed. My own hand is bending the railing, then putting the knife away.

Back in Sunnydale I brush Scott Hope away, not interested in his advances. On that same night, though, you are calling him, my voice speaking into the receiver, inviting him into your motel room, throwing him on the bed and fucking his brains out. I'm sitting astride his body, riding him, seeing my own face reflected in his eyes as he comes and screams my name. Not Faith. Buffy.

Angel has come back and you are furious. You don't want him here, because you're afraid his return will destroy my need for you. You fear it will end your existence. In your fury you call Scott to your bed again and then my hands close around his neck, choking the life out of him, while my lips curve into a smile.

I'm leaving school to visit Angel and for a brief moment my lips move, speaking your words, reaching Xander's ears. You make him follow us to Angel's mansion and when Angel and me are lost in our kiss, a side glance with my eyes shows you Xander, standing outside and watching with rage visible on his face.

In Willy's bar you talk to the snitch, but he is always looking at me, only talking to me. In the mirror behind the bar there is only me, not you. Only one body flies out the window when I think we're both thrown through it. Only one body hits the street in a puddle of beer, blood, and glass shards, one mouth laughing like crazy and talking to itself.

You are sitting in the Bronze, talking to Spike. He is amused that I'm calling myself Faith, but plays along when you propose a little play-acting for Angel's sake. He thinks I want him to beat me up so Angel can ride to my rescue, when all you really planning is for me to beg you for help.

When the fight happens you're holding me back and I'm sluggish, barely able to fight while Spike thinks I'm just playing along. You're waiting for me to plead, planning to stake Spike as soon as I give in. Only Angel arrives too early, Spike thinks the plan worked and leaves, probably off to reclaim Drusilla like you told him, not before blowing me a kiss.

Caught and alone in Kralic's house, my desperation gives you a new opening. I'm begging for your help and you take over again, beating Kralic and saving my ... our life. I guess you didn't lie to me. You really did want to help me, because if I die then you're dead as well.

I always wake up tired and not the least bit rested because I don't go to sleep anymore. I go out to party with you in the driver's seat, using my body to dance, fuck, and fight, enjoying your life without my knowing about it.

Xander! He sees me fighting demons and comes to my rescue, not knowing that it's not me. When you drag him to your room it must feel like a dream come true for him. He's had a crush on me for so long and here I am, throwing him on the bed to mount him. Only it's not me. When you use my voice to tell him to call me by your name, he's confused. He doesn't talk to me about it because he thinks he slept with me. God, he did sleep with me.

In the dark alley I'm fighting Vampires, imagining a ghost fighting by my side, yet there is no one else. I think my slaying is slipping because I need your help when faced with numbers I should be able to handle by myself. And I do. I'm fighting alone, thinking you're there to help me.

Then I hear another sound and we both spring into action. I grab the man that suddenly appeares before me and throw him against the trash container, then you kill him when my hand drives my stake into his heart. The blood is on my hands and you just laugh, daring me to tell my friends about you. About Faith. My eyes saw that Angel was nearby, saw me kill, yet I never saw him. I never knew he was there. Only you.

I'm running from the school, but it's you that arrives at the motel room, you that Xander finds when he comes looking for me. He tries to help me and you almost kill him. Angel throws his fist into my face and knocks us both unconscious. One body in chains, but we are both prisoners here.

I look into your face and all I see is myself.

"This is not possible," I whisper.

"Isn't it?" you ask me. "Face it, B! You couldn't handle your life, couldn't handle being the Slayer. I can, though. I am what you want to be."

"No! I'm not like you," I scream at her.

"Oh, that would be quite a trick! Thinking about it, though, you're right. You're not like me. I'm like you. I'm like you want yourself to be. Poor, innocent Buffy doesn't kill humans. Poor, innocent Buffy doesn't go out drinking, dancing, fucking. But Faith does! I do!"

This can't be happening. Maybe ... maybe you're some kind of demon that took over my body. An apparition like the ones the First Evil conjured up to drive Angel nuts. This is the Hellmouth, such things happen here.

"You'd like that, don't ya?" you smirk. "Would be far easier to believe. Some kind of demon did all those things, Buffy. Not you, no way! No way can something like me spring from your innocent little mind!"

You crouch down beside me as my friends watch me. Do they see something? Can they hear me talking to you? To myself?

"Come on. B! You saved the world. You did the duty. Now it's time for you to rest. Just go to sleep. I will take care of you, don't worry about it!"

I know what you're doing! You're me and you want to be me 24/7. Take over for good. No, that will never happen! It won't! I won't allow it!

Every muscle in my body surges with energy and the chains that hold me snap. Everyone is flinching back, everyone except Angel who moves in to do ... what? Help me? Chain me up again? You don't give him the chance and snap kick him in the face. He falls to the ground and I know that *I* struck him down.

"There is some fight left inside you, it seems," you yell, flush with excitement.

"I won't become you," I yell back, trying to grab you. My hands close around your neck and I can feel my fingers bruise my own flesh.

"Much too late for that, B!" Your fist hits me in the face and those are my knuckles hurting even as blood sprouts from my nose. I punch you in the belly and fold over with the pain myself, even as you stumble back. This is insane! I'm fighting myself here!

Your forearm catches me across the throat and we collide with the stone wall, my own flesh pressing itself into the hard concrete. I see your arm pressing down on my throat, choking me, but I can feel the pressure on my own arm, feel the tension in my own muscles. My vision flickers and you're gone, instead I see my own hands choking me.

"You can't win, B!" Your nonexistent breath touches my cheeks. "I'm you! I will never go away! You're too weak to fight me! You need me!"

"NO!"

I shake you off, shake off whatever hold you have over me, and run away from the mansion, out into the night.

"You can't run from me!" I hear your screams and recognize the voice as my own. "I'm you!"

"No, you're not!"


TO BE CONTINUED