Kill the Pain! (Part 16)

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How can I run from something that isn't real? How can I defeat someone who only exists inside my own head? If you were a demon I could exorcise you, Faith, but you aren't. I remember the day you were born and I know why.

Everything seemed over. Angel was gone and might as well have tumbled down into Hell with him. My life was finished, I wanted to die, and so I put a knife to my own wrists. Yet a part of me was afraid. A part of didn't want to die. I wanted to escape from the Hell my life had become thanks to being the Slayer.

And so I became someone who would be a better Slayer than me.

"Glad you finally realize that I'm better," you shout into my ears. Suddenly you are there again, running beside me. You're not real. You're not there!

"Of course I'm not there. I'm in here," you throw a punch to my head and the fact that I know it to be my own fist doesn't lessen the pain. I stumble and fall to the hard concrete of the street. This is insane. I've gone nuts!

"Nuts is so dirty a word! But fitting!"

"What are you trying to accomplish?" I scream at you. "Every time you hit me you're hurting yourself as well!"

"I can take a little hurting." You shrug. "Can you?"

Once again my own fist is hitting me in the face and I tumble against a nearby wall. I can see you, Faith, coming for me. You're not real! If I can just get myself to realize that you'll go away.

"Think so?" you smirk at me and land another punch that drives me to my knees, gasping for air through the pain of a broken rib.

"I'll beat you to a bloody pulp, B! You're gonna beg me to take over so you'll no longer feel the pain!"

I hear your words and I realize what you're saying. My lips start to spread in a smile and it's my own this time.

"You can't take over unless I let you! That's why I always had to beg for your help. You can only come out when I want you to. I'm still in the driver's seat."

Your boot catches me in the face and I can feel blood sprouting from my nose. I wonder how I managed to kick myself in the face. I think I'm starting to go into shock because I have to giggle thinking about how this has to look to someone watching me right now. Look here! The mad girl is beating herself up!

I feel your hands grabbing me, lifting me up against the wall. Your face is just inches away from mine. No, no it isn't! Mustn't forget! This isn't real! None of it.

"It's real enough, B," you whisper to me. "And what if you're right? It won't make a difference. I know you, little girl. Who could possibly know you better? You can't take this! You can't take being the Slayer! It's only a matter of time until you beg me to take over again. You'll be kissing my feet when I relieve you of all this pain."

You throw me halfway across the street and I can feel another rib break as I impact against another wall. I can't take this much longer. I know you will not kill me, but how can I fight against you when you're not there? When every blow against you will only hurt me?

"Just give up, B! Time to kill the pain once and for all! I'll be a much better Slayer than you ever could be and you'll finally find that pleasant numbness you were looking for so desperately. Just lie back and fade into nothingness."

"No! You ... you're a murderer. You killed that guy in the alley. You almost killed Scott."

"No, B! We did. We killed them. And there are other people we have to kill. You know, I got a much larger part of your brain than you do. Remember when Xander came to you on the day you sent Angel to Hell? How he told you that Willow wanted you to kick Angel's ass? Funny, isn't it? If she said that, why did she redo the curse?"

Xander? No! No, he wouldn't do something like this! He wouldn't. Just like Giles wouldn't betray me? Just like my mother wouldn't kick me out of my own home when I needed her the most? No! This is just not possible.

"See?" you ask me. "They all betray you. You're just a glorified yard dog. No one cares about your feelings. No one cares what you want. They only want you around to save the world now and then. Between that you better be a good girl and do like you're told!"

Tears are rolling down my cheeks. Is that all there is? Pain? Just because of this stupid destiny I never asked for?

"You don't have to carry that burden any longer, B!" Your voice turns almost soft. "I'll do it gladly! Just lean back and enjoy the ride!"

The ride? Like you rode Scott Hope? Like you rode through that alley and killed that guy? No! Never! I'm back on my feet, starting to run! I know I can't run away from you, but neither can you run away from me, Faith! Wherever I go, you'll have to follow me.

"What do you think you're doing?" you scream with my own voice.

"You know me so well, don't you? Take a guess!"

I jump up the fire escape of a nearby building, quickly climbing up the ladders. You are right beside me, kicking and punching me, but those blows no longer mean anything, just smoke and mirrors. I'm doing this to myself and whatever happens to me will happen to you as well.

Fine!

"B! No, you can't do this!"

I reach the top of the building. Four stories straight down. Should be enough. Has to be enough. I don't have time to look for a better way. You are strong, Faith! In time you might overwhelm me. Not yet, though. Not yet!

"Tonight I'm still in charge," I yell at you.

"You couldn't go through with this the last time," you yell back, grabbing me by my torn blouse. "You made me because you were too afraid to die! You're too weak to do it!"

My own hands are clenched into your top, holding on to you. It feels so real, you feel so real, but you're not. None of this is real. Except the fact that I made you. That I'm responsible for what you did. What I did. It was me! It was always me! And now it's time to pay the price!

"I won't allow it," you scream, throwing a punch that almost knocks me unconscious. I manage to remain on my feet, stumbling towards the edge of the roof. You're trying to hold me, trying to trip me, but you're just a ghost. You have no power over me! And you never will!

I stand at the edge of the roof and you scream, running toward me. Yes! I throw a punch at your face, feeling the impact against my nose, and grab you by the hair. Momentum is with me and the next moment you find yourself flung over the edge, looking at me with wide eyes as you tumble down towards the unforgiving street.

You look up at me as you fall, I'm still standing at the edge of the roof. You're falling and I'm up here. I blink. I'm falling and no one is standing on the roof. I can feel the wind rush past me and no one is there to watch me fall. No one at all.

No one but me.


TO BE CONCLUDED