Disclaimer: I don't own anything that isn't mine.
Fanfic Key: This is how the MiST is set up:
Outside Theatre: Third Person Story Mode
Inside Theatre (insert name here): = The heckler says this. *action*=Indicates a heckler doing something or how their saying something.
The Story: (skip down to where you see "*****" if you don't care).
Three minor land masses can be found sitting on a highly polished floor. The room the floor is in is mostly constructed of chrome, stainless steel, and a highly advanced form of white plastic. In it's design (fundamentally simple, but slightly elegant), the room managed to look futuristic, which of course it was. It was part of an intricate prison unit set up on a space ship in orbit around the Earth.
The prison was built to contain the most horrendous, villainous, devious, and unkind demons to ever walk across the realms: The Backstreet Boys. Er, I mean the Prime Evils, the ringleaders of Hell. Well, former ringleaders.
The Prime Evils were cast inside of a special unit called the soulstone, in the hopes that they could be contained. They couldn't. In fact, their imprisonment only gave them a solid foothold into the mortal realm. It was only after a group of seven warriors killed them and destroyed their soulstones that the Prime Evils were truly gone.
Kind of.
As it turns out, their complete and total disillusionment from the realm of Sanctuary really just pushed them into a different realm, that of ham and cheese sandwiches. Heaven, deciding that they wanted to be sure that the Prime Evils wouldn't return, pulled them through yet another dimensional portal and deposited them neatly into the futuristic space craft, to be looked after by a dirty old man. Er...I meant to say Deckard Cain, the last of the Horadrim. Yea.
Anyway, the aforementioned landmasses in the aforementioned room are about to wake up to meet their punishment: To be forced to read terrible stories, often about their own realm! Raise your hand if you didn't see that one coming.. One...two...ok, about five people. The rest of you get a pat on the head.
***** Que the band!
In the not to distant sequel, Somewhere in Diablo Three, Mephy, Baal, and Big D, Are in as much trouble as can be.
Entrapped by an elder, Whose name is Cain. A Horadric Mage Of ancient fame.
After all their soulstones were destroyed, The Prime Evils are about to have their minds toyed!
"I'll send them real bad Fanfics, Of the horrible, I'll send the worst, They'll have to sit and read them all Until their brains become bratwurst"
Now keep in mind the Prime Evils Must read weather a story's small, or the size of a truck, They'll try to keep from going nuts, With sarcastic comments and such
Demon Roll Call: Baal: My Brothers Will Not Have Died in Vain! Mephy: Is My Spinal Column Showing? Deckard Cain: Weren't expecting me in this list, were you? Diablooooo: I'm Afraid of Fire!
If your wondering how this will work, The technology and all that crap, Just repeat to yourself it's just a joke, So just kick back and relax!
Oh Miserably Sad Theatre, 3000!
1,2,3,4,5,6,7:
A large creature slowly rised from his rather uncomfortable position on the floor. Squinting, he looked over and saw his two brothers, also splayed out on the floor around him. Propping himself on one elbow, he tried to determine his surroundings. "Where in Hell am I?" he asked, mumbling.
"We aren't in Hell anymore, Diablo," replied Baal, quickly trying to get up on his many legs. As they continued to struggle to their feet...er, lower appendages...er, means of support, a vision screen unfolds itself from the wall and gracefully slides down. After a slight flicker, the visage of a kindly old man appears on the screen.
"Why hello! Stay a while, and listen!" the elder greeted earnestly. His eyes seemed to capture the light in a manner that reflected all of his vast experience, and the gentle smile playing on his lips seemed to serve as a reminder of all the times in life you thought things were hopeless and suddenly you were all right again, through a simple matter of chance or luck.
Mephisto rose up on his smoke stack, scratching his head and frequently checking to see which direction was up. He craned his neck towards the vision screen and asked, "Anything in particular you had in mind?".
"Well now, let's see..." murmured Cain, gently tugging as his beard. "Well, I suppose I should start with the fact that I've got you all here trapped on this space ship thing and I get to play with your heads."
Diablo, finally freeing himself of his head ache long enough to look at the screen and promptly wished he hadn't. "Ah, hi Cain, how are things...?"
"Oh, you mean since you destroyed my village, turned my best friend into a brainless zombie, and stuck me in a cage to rot?" asked Cain, the graceful peace leaving his face like a group of startled birds, to be replaced with a look of blazing fury. The edge cutting into the old mans voice was enough to make all three Prime Evils wince.
"Er, yea, since then," replied Diablo nervously.
"Oh, fine, fine," replied Cain, returning to a more neutral attitude.
"Right, so, uh...how about us leaving now?" asked Baal, looking around the small room and seeing no doors. How had they gotten in here?
"Ah, but you haven't even read your first story!" replied Cain enthusiastically. "You see, your punishment involves the reading of poorly written texts describing events in our home realm!"
"Er, rain check?" asked Mephisto nervously.
"Nope, sorry, you're stuck here. I'm sending you your first story now. It's called The Childish Trap, and you'll have to see it to believe it." As Cain finished speaking those words, the small room was suddenly ablaze with various colored lights, as bells and whistles blared into the cabin. While all this was going on, a door opened up on one side of the room, and all three Prime Evils felt beckoned towards it.
"We've got fanfic sign!" they called, launching themselves through the door and disappearing into the darkness.
7,6,5,4,3,2,1:
*The three demons walk in and sit in the following order, left to right: Mephisto, Diablo, Baal*
Diablo: You know, I say, if we have to read these pieces of garbage, we at least have fun doing it. Baal: I second that notion. Meph: Did somebody mention seconds?!? Seconds of what?!?
The Childish Trap
Baal: I'm forced to assume that was THE BEST title that the author could think of.
By Gdog4evr
Meph: We can only assume.
CYA Style Disclaimer: Any copy-righted material mentioned in the following story is property of whomever owns them, including but not limited to Blizzard Entertainment and Jim Henson Productions.
Diablo: That covers a lot of territory, now doesn't it?
This story is not in any way meant to insult, degrade, slander, libel, put down, or in any other way offend anybody or anything. If anybody or anything is offended at something in the story, I offer them my apologies.
All: WE DON'T ACCEPT!
If that is not accepted, please work out your aggressions in a form that does not involve contacting a lawyer.
Diablo: Does violence work?
You may feel free to share this story with anyone for any reason as long as it is done freely (meaning you can't charge anything for it) and is the text is kept in its entirety, including this disclaimer. Thank you.
Baal: You're not welcome.
Meph: Does he actually think people would PAY to read this?
Diablo: People pay BY reading this, for Peat's sake!
Feedback is always welcome, which includes suggestions, comments, corrections, personal insults about my mother, or anything else! Please send to instant_feedback@yahoo.com, and maybe you'll get a cookie.
Meph: How about a "get out of fanfic free" card?
The gang of seven warriors ran, skipped, hopped, and occasionally tripped over and past the rubble lining the bottom of the tunnels. The assassin was in front, followed closely by the paladin, who in every other sense of the word was leading the party.
Diablo: Leading them to their doom, that is.
He was also using his Vigor aura to ease their rush. His weapon was sheathed, and his armor dented, and he carried a mysterious bag over his shoulder.
Baal: Could we add just a few more "and"s to that sentence please? Thanks.
The others clamored along behind, trying to make good time.
Meph: I don't know, sounds like a pretty bad time to me.
"Why are we rushing?" yelled out the Necromancer, tailed by several resurrected minions.
Meph: Tailed by? What, were they pinning it on him?
"We have to vanquish the Butcher before the ceremony is completed!" the Paladin called over his shoulder.
Baal: I can't tell if this is the wrong game or the wrong characters. Diablo: Both
The sorceress, beginning to fall behind slightly, teleported a few times and caught up to the Paladin, then resumed running.
"What do you mean, vanquish the Butcher? He died long ago beneath Tristram!" She exclaimed.
Diablo: But only cuz' he was to stupid to move away from the staircase leading down.
"Indeed, but we must now defeat a creature of similar origin but infinitely more devious and powerful.
Baal: Ok the "Devious" part isn't so hard.
Not only that, but he is to be accompanied by creatures even more powerful than the prime evils.
All: HEY!
That is, if we don't get to him first."
Diablo: Wait, who's saying this line? Baal: The necromancer, maybe?
"How you know?" called the barbarian, from several meters back. He was glad he had invested some skill points in Increased Stamina and Increased Speed, even if it did seem like a waste of points at the time.
Meph: So everyone is aware that they can just hit a button and get a new skill then? Diablo: Yup, and every person in this thing decided to max out SUCK.
His Battle Orders howl had, for some inexplicable reason, encouraged them all and had increased their stamina almost as much as the paladin's Vigor. He had to stop occasionally though to recast it, hence he fell behind.
Baal: You can recast a yell?
"I received word from our spies about it," called out the assassin, who was using her Burst of Speed skill to stay ahead of the others.
Diablo: Greedy wench, WHY CAN'T SHE SHARE!?!
"And your sure this is worthy information?" called out the amazon, nimbly stepping between loose rocks that might otherwise trip her as she ran. A large wolf behind her growled, then stopped and melted into a human form before running again.
Meph: He finally gave up on sniffing her butt.
"Yes," called the druid at last after his last attempt.
Baal: If that was his last attempt how is he attempting it now?
"My people and her's worked together to find out exactly what was going on and where. Sentient vines and wolves come in handy for that form of research."
Diablo: Yea, 'cause those vines do anything outside of snarfing down corpses and poisoning people.
The paladin stopped and held up a hand, signaling the others to stop as well. The assassin, not seeing this, nearly ran directly into the wall.
Meph: If this is the same assassin that keeps shutting down my Durance of Hate, I'm going to be so bitter.
As she grunted, the paladin turned to the majority of the group and said, "re-equip. Now."
Diablo: What if they didn't bring swimming trunks?
They all paused a second to allow their stamina to recover, and then pulled off the Vidala's Fetlocks and pulled on their normal footwear.
Baal: They all happened to come across identical set items, what a coincidence.
The paladin walked over and brushed his hand along the wall, looking for something. It was completely black, and seemingly formless. His hand reached up higher, than tapped the wall. He looked at the druid and nodded, tapping the area of the wall again.
Diablo: *In Paladin voice* Right here, this is where we'll hook up the illegal cable box.
The druid walked over and swung his heavy maul in an overhead arch, smashing a hole in the wall towards the ceiling.
Baal: Wait, what? The hole was pointing upwards or something?
He hacked again, and more rocks tumbled loose and fell, opening up a good sized hole.
Diablo: As opposed to a bad sized hole, kind of like the ones filling this plot.
The paladin looked over at the barbarian as the druid finished opening up a gap in the wall. "You remember the plan?" he asked, and the barbarian nodded.
The huge muscle bound figure walked up to the hole as the druid stepped aside, wiping his brow. The barbarian the leaped up and through the space allotted him, and came down the other side.
Meph: Right into a stinking pile of...
He looked at the barrier he had just passed, and found the huge lever he was looking for. He tried forcing the lever up, but it was stuck. He put down his weapon and pulled the lever as hard as he could. "Is jammed!" he called back through the wall. "I need help!"
At this, the sorceress sighed and teleported first into the hole, then looking down, into the room itself. The necromancer jumped up and grabbed at the edge of the hole, and with the help of the paladin lifting him,
Baal: Doesn't that imply that the paladin was above him or something?
got high enough to summon a Blood Golem on the other side. He then fell back to the ground, his armor clinking heavily. They tried repeating the process with the druid so he could summon a grizzly to aid them, but he was much heavier and besides, a grizzly wouldn't help much anyway.
Diablo: Unless he summoned it right on top of the necro.
The three lifted, pulled, and hefted the lever as hard as they could. Then the sorceress stepped back, looked at the lever, gasped, and shouted, "Wait! Hold on a second! Get off the lever!"
Baal: I hate when a girl tells me that. Diablo: Would it have been so hard to think of another word to call it besides "Lever" from time to time?
The two others clamored away from the stone switch, and the sorceress stepped forward and lightly pushed down on it. The switch slid easily downwards, and the wall parted and slid into the ceiling and floor.
Meph: Complicated toilet...
The necromancer summoned a fire golem, his of choice, as the barbarian turned red and mumbled apologies.
"Good work everyone, let's keep going," the paladin said, making sure to pat the barbarian and sorceress on the shoulder.
Baal: *Mimicking barbarian* Bad touchie bad touchie!
He stepped up to the lone door that the fake wall had protected. He tried the handle. "Locked," he informed, then turned to the assassin and raised an eyebrow.
Diablo: Locked doors always get me in a flirty mood too.
"Didn't you mention that your group had determined a way to open virtually any lock, no manner how complicated, effortlessly?"
"Yes,..." she paused, then stepped forward. "But you must swear that if I perform this technique in front of you," she spun on her heel to face all of the group, "Then you must all swear that you shall never tell a soul how it works, for if the secret were let out, it would mean every thief could get into any place and no one would be safe."
Baal: Well, the thieves would be...
The others nodded in mutual, grave agreement. She squared her shoulders, walked to the door, wielded her claws in a flashy manner, then rammed the blades deeply into the keyhole of the door, the twisted her hand and flicked her wrist to rip the lock completely out. Six hands simultaneously slapped the heads of their owners as they saw the secret method of opening locks safe guarded by the assassins and defended fiercely. "What?" she asked out loud, seeing their reaction.
Diablo: Oh no, this one is going to try to be funny, isn't it? Meph: Heavenly Father... Diablo and Baal: HEY! Meph: Sorry. Hellish Father, we ask that you give us the strength to bear these attempts at humor Baal: Much better.
"Nothing!" replied the paladin, rubbing his temples. "That was very..." he stopped short of finishing with "stupid". "...effective" he finished instead. The assassin nodded sharply and stood back, still confused by the numerous rolling eyes.
Baal: And where were they rolling to, exactly? Diablo: All right, I need a break already, let's ditch this place.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7:
Diablo is practicing some yoga exercises as his brothers explore the space ship they are on. This, naturally, dosn't take long. "Find anything interesting?" asked The Lord of Terror, coming out of a peaceful trance of relaxation and bliss.
"Yea, the doors are locked," replied Baal, flopping down on an innocent couch and nearly destroying it.
"You guys call yourselves Prime Evils?" Diablo mocked, who then got up and rammed his fist into the door. He was instantly met with 1.21 gigawatts of electricity and instantly jumped one second into the future.
"We also found out about that," added Mephisto, once Diablo had reappeared, smoking slightly.
A screen opened and the face of a grouchy old man appeared. "Hello, my demons!" the old man called out.
"Hello, Cain!" the Prime Evils called out in falsetto.
"So how are we enjoying our little fan fiction, HMMM?" Cain asked, smiling wickedly.
"Only morbidly less than I enjoyed being electrocuted. What's the deal? How come were only allowed to be in this one room?" asked Diablo.
"You'll gain access to other area's of the ship when I'm danged good and ready to give them too you," replied Cain, shaking a finger. "And I wouldn't advise you to try hacking your way into the other levels..."
"Is that a pun?" Baal whispered to Mephisto.
"...because one of them might be the airlock system. Now get back in that theatre!" Cain yelled in his shaky old man voice as red lights flashed.
7,6,5,4,3,2,1:
*the Prime Evils go into the theatre and sit in their usual places.*
Diablo: Ah great, we're going to be stuck in here for a while now. Baal: I'm just hoping the next room we earn will be the bath room.
The paladin removed his sword from his scabbard, and clicked on Fanaticism for a moment to increase the attack speed and power of his allies and their minions.
Meph: But he screwed something up and they all died; The End. Can we go now? Diablo: Er, I don't think we can...
He then opened the door as quietly as possible, until is squeaked loud enough to make them all grimace. The creature within heard it, and tilted his head to one side, as if considering what to do with it.
Baal: Yea, because there are so many things you can do with your own head.
The beast had horribly yellow skin, bushy brown hair, and wore clothing and a matching hat that were, shockingly, sparkling white. All the warriors and otherwise
Meph: Is that meant to imply some of them were wussies?
poured into the room, weapons and spells readied. The necromancer already launched a curse at the being, a sparkling light dazzling lightly over his head.
Diablo: *in narrator's voice* It was the curse of disco ball! Baal: John Travolta got hit by that once, didn't he?
The creature did not react, as they all slowly noticed. In fact, it seemed to be doing something on a table that they could not see, and very well didn't want to either.
Meph: What's wrong with seeing a table? Diablo: And how did they know it was a table if they couldn't see it?
It was also, for the most part, facing the exact opposite direction of them. It worked busily on the table with a large selection of instruments, pouring, mixing, and cutting. It seemed to be almost completely unaware of their presence.
Diablo: So he can just ignore this whole thing? Jeez I envy him...
Seconds dragged by like minutes. The curse laden on the beast fizzled away and disappeared. Minutes dragged by like hours. The assassin began to straiten from her crouch, as her leg was starting to cramp up. The amazon eased off the tension in her bow, slowly.
Meph: So the amazon is going to let her hair down now?
The others likewise began to relax. Hours didn't drag by.
Baal: Sure as hell feels like it though.
This was because after five full minutes of nothing happening, the paladin finally cleared his throat to get the creatures attention. As he did so, everyone tensed up again once more, the sweat beading down their faces with anticipation and fear.
Diablo: You know, a little prune juice might help relax their problem...
Afterwards, nothing continued to happen. Well, that's not true. The creature began to sing as it worked. It to, was truly hideous, and sounded almost child like, in it's tune.
Meph: *Waving his hands in the air and in a high pitched voice* La la la lalala, la la la la!
The sorceress glanced sharply at the paladin, to signify the message of "What the @#$% are we doing here?" with only her face.
Baal: By mouthing the words out.
The barbarian nudged the druid and pointed at his wrist as if he had a watch, to signify it was lunch time.
Diablo: Which for him, I know for a fact, occurs on an hourly basis.
The paladin decided to do something. "Er, hello?" he asked uncertainly. This elected a small snicker from the group he was meant to be leading. More defiantly and authoritatively, he tried again, after the creature again failed to acknowledge his presence.
Meph: Do you think we could worship this monster guy? I mean he's managed to get seven warriors to stand around looking stupid for a full five minutes, we've never done that. Diablo: Yea, but Durial has, him and his cold enchanted aura. Meph: Oh yea...
"Hello!". The beast finally stopped singing for a moment, but that was only because he had reached the end of the song, and began again after a few moments.
Meph: *waiving his arms in the air and in a high pitched voice* La la la! Baal: Don't make me hurt you.
The amazon lost her patience and rapped the ground sharply with her bow, saying, "What the heck are we doing here? He'll kill us with boredom before he tries to harm us!"
Meph: Fair is fair, you're doing it to us!
"Maybe that's his intention," chimed in the necromancer, "He plans on killing us that way so that he'll have our bodies whole for the cooking pot." The barbarian, recognizing this as a joke, laughed a little along with everyone else, without actually getting it. The paladin, however, was getting fed up.
Diablo: He was feeling bloated?
He marched up to the beast, who was separated from the party by a counter and called out, "Hey buddy, what's your problem?"
Baal: Odds are, you don't want to know.
he reached out across the counter to grab the beast by the shoulder, just as it was finishing another chorus of it's horrid song. Just before he made contact, the creature whirled around, facing the paladin. The paladin gave a high pitched screech and jumped back, dropping his sword to the ground and tripping over it in the process.
Diablo: Hey Mephisto, I'll join you in worshiping this guy if you can just tell me this isn't the same paladin that beat the crap out of ME fifty times.
"Woa, he screams just like you do," the amazon muttered over to the sorceress.
"Shut up, I'm not that bad," the sorceress whispered back. The paladin snatched his sword up and rolled into a defensive/offensive crouch,
Baal: Gotta love dem' all purpose crouches.
as the others re-readied their weapons, preparing to strike at a hair trigger notice.
Diablo: When the amazon flips her hair, that means GO!
"Hellu!" said the creature after regarding his audience. Everyone tensed up even more, muscles bulging, spells shinning, fingers straining around the hilts of weapons.
"Hoo ere-a yuoo?" asked the evil creature. His bushy eyebrows were so overgrown and disgusting that it was impossible to see his eyes. His deformed nose bulged out in a massive triangle. His sinister mouth stretched across his face. All were hesitant to answer the beast's question. Finally, the paladin spoke up.
Diablo: *in paladin's voice*: Um, where' the bath room?
"I am a paladin of the holy order, sent here on a mission..." the paladin was cut off, as the beast spoke overtop of him.
Meph: He jumped on the paladin's head and started talking?
"Nut vhu, hoo. Hoo ere-a yuoo?" the hideous creature corrected.
Meph: I think I should change my mind about worshiping this guy... Baal: Better than worshipping yourself. Meph: Dangit Baal! Stop reading my diary!
"Wait, does he... does he mean how are we?" asked the sorceress in a puzzled tone. The chief nodded happily and repeated his question once more.
Diablo: And so now we are accidentally informed by the author the guy's a cook. Meph: Kinda did that already, with the Necro's joke back there.
The barbarian scratched his head, partly out of confusion, partly to look for fleas.
Baal: He must be stupid. He's bald, no flees would be there!
The druid's tongue was hanging out, partly because of the heat, partly out of confusion.
Meph: Duy!
The paladin slowly stood at his full height, eyeing the creature before him carefully. He said, in a shaky sort of tone, "Um, all right I guess..."
Diablo: *in paladin's voice* Except for the fact I'm a wuss...
"Thet is guud!" applauded the creature, clapping happily.
Meph: Well at least HE'S happy with how this fanfic is going.
He turned his back to them, and then turned back around, holding a mixing bowl in one hand and stirring the contents with the other. The contents of the bowl looked like mud, only more...evil.
Diablo: And how evil is mud by itself, then?
But the smell was almost overpowering, and especially effected the assassin, who was nearing a specific point in her lunar cycle and would soon desire this concoction.
Meph: This is starting to get to much. Baal: Yea, let's go see if the bathroom is available yet
1,2,3,4,5,6,7:
Baal was in the restroom freshening up as Diablo and Baal were playing with the air hockey table. Baal came out just as Diablo scored a point against Mephisto. "How's it look in there?" Mephisto asked as he set up the next puck.
"Pretty basic, a john and a sink. Where did this come from?" inquired Baal, gesturing to the air hockey table.
"Dunno, Cain said that if we were good little demons we'd get more of the same," replied Diablo, concentrating on he game. All of a sudden a trap door opened up beneath the table and it dropped away. The floor sealed itself behind it. Diablo whirled around towards the vision screen showing Cain's smiling face. "Hey, I was about to score another point!" he whined.
"Oh please! I was about to beat your..." Mephisto countered, but Cain cut them both off.
"Silence! I was just gave you a little preview so that you'll behave! Now get back in there, you're almost to the half way mark!" the mage bellowed. 7,6,5,4,3,2,1:
*Everyone walks into the theature and sits in their usual spots. A loud crash is heard, and ??? lands in the seat to the left of Mephisto*
???: Ah dangit, I pushed the wrong lever... Meph: What the blazes? ???: Er, hello... Diablo: Who are you? ???: Er, no one... Baal: Why isn't the fanfic starting? ???: Because I hit the wrong button, instead of starting it up again I was launched here. Diablo: CAIN?!? Oh, you're in trouble now pal. Cain: Tell you what, I'll join you in mocking this thing for a bit, then I'll give you access to the entertainment system. Cool beans? Baal: And why don't we kill you? Cain: Because then you're stuck here. Meph: Fair enough. Cain: Right. *pulls out remote controll* let's get started then...
"Tudey ve-a meke-a zee chuculete-a muuse-a!" cried the beast. "Furst, zee chuculet!" he informed them as he mixed the contents with even stronger strokes of the ladle.
Diablo: Do you guy's remember hireing a demon that was on something bizare? Meph: If he was on something he'd be on my pay check, and I don't think I hired anyone like that. Baal: Why you specifically? Meph: You never noticed all the smoke?
"Candy food..." drooled the barbarian, lumbering up to the beast, wishing to partake of the chocolate.
Cain: Ah, I see now. Chuclet is equal to chocolate. He seems to be speaking in a heavily Sweedish accent. Diablo: If that's the best heckling job you can do then we really ARE going to kill you.
"No! It may be poison!" yelled the paladin, who desperately wanted to dive into the fudge himself.
Cain: I do not think the bowl is deep enough, young one! Diablo: Er, a little better, I suppose...
"I'm an expert in poisons, thus I shall be first to sample said substance to determine it's safety," said the necromancer, licking his lips.
Meph: Oh please, the only poison he studies is booze. Cain: And I beleive "it's" means "it is", thus only "its" should have been written. Baal: Cain, just STOP and watch us for a while, then jump in when you think you got the idea.
He started moving, but was quickly blocked by the amazon and sorceress as they surged forward to get there first.
Cain: Personally, I think I'd rather be blocked like that than have the chocolate anyhow. Diablo: *Blinking* Dang...And you're how old, Cain?
The assassin was already reaching across the counter top towards the bowl, only to have her hand slapped away by the devious creature holding it.
Meph: *In Creatures voice* Only ONE piece of halloween candy-ah! Baal: That impersonation blows Meph: So does this fanfic, but that's not stopping it! Cain: Given the Katar blade she bears on her wrist, wouldn't this beast just lacerate his own hand? Diablo:Getting better, now just drop anything more than two syllables.
"Stop! All of you stop!" the paladin yelled.
Cain: *In paladin's voice* Now drop and roll! Oh, this is the worst fire saftey class ever!
"This is exactly what he wants! He wants us to eat that stuff!"
Baal: That could be taken so wrong...
"We want that too!" cried the barbarian, who had his great sword raised to knock two of his fellow warriors out of the way.
All: Do it! Do it! Do it!
"But it might kill you!" the paladin nearly shouted through clenched teeth, which is somewhat difficult.
Cain: Especially if you don't have any teeth, believe me I know.
The assassin had begun pleading with the beast, but he was ignoring her. The paladin reached over and grabbed her wrist, pulling her away from the creature, begging her to regain herself.
Cain: Again, how are people able to touch her hands without losing their own?
"Zeere-a! Zee chuculete is-a dune-a!" called the beast suddenly. He sat down the bowl as the assassin regarded it with purely naked lust.
Baal: Not even going to touch that one.
The paladin was having to forcibly restrain her, and was beginning to fail.
Diablo: Mostly because as a monk he isn't allowed to touch women.
The amazon and the sorceress came forward and aided in prying away the assassin, slipping her a small block of fudge beyond the sight of the barbarian, who still was looking at the chocolate with shinning eyes.
Meph: I'll bet anything the turtle wax stung.
While all this was going on, the chief proudly proclaimed, "Und noo, zee muuse-a!", and brought forth, from the next room, a live, full grown, Canadian moose.
Cain: But the barbarian was already there!
As the sounds of ravenous smacking sounds of the warriors could be heard, the creature began smearing the chocolate from the bowl unto the quadruped.
Baal: "As the sounds of the ravenous smacking sounds"? Sounds like the title of a horrible poem! Diablo: Oh, will we be mocking that next? Cain: I'm not THAT cruel.
The assassin discreetly munched on her fudge and began to recover herself, while the barbarian satisfied himself with a chew toy that the druid had loaned him.
Meph: And the chew toy tasted like fudge?
The paladin was holding a meeting as the creature sang while working.
Cain *In paladin's voice* Who wants what on your pizza?
"All right, so he's an idiot. What's the move?" asked the sorceress.
Diablo: Oh come on, the barbarian isn't THAT bad.
"Is it possible we have the wrong coordinates?" asked the necromancer, leaning against the wall.
Cain: ...which promptly collapsed.
"We've had spies in the area for weeks, this is where we're supposed to be," the assassin informed.
Meph: And the spy's couldn't do anything about it?
"This may be a divisional tactic, trying to hold us off until the opportune moment," the paladin mused.
"What moment would that be? When to sample the cheese cake?" the necromancer snipped snidely, twirling his sacred bone wand between his fingers.
Baal: Bone wand? I guess that's just what he calls it...
"Ooo, we eat that, can't we?" asked the barbarian, removing the chew toy from his mouth, briefly.
Cain: What, the bone wand?
The druid had assured him that he could keep it, in that not even the wolves wanted it back.
Diablo: But only because they had laced it with cyanide, just for the barbarian.
"No, we can't eat anything he cooks, he might poison it," explained the paladin once more, patiently.
"He's preparing it right in front of us, if he tried putting anything in anything, we'd see it," said the amazon, who deeply enjoyed cheese cake.
Meph: Ok, I'm the Lord of Hatred and even I think this is starting to get offensive towards women.
"What if he added poison to the ingredients before hand?" asked the druid, regretfully. He, also, deeply appreciated both chocolate and cheese cake.
Diablo: There there, dear brother, the author compensates...sort of.
The various masters of the conversational arts were interrupted as the creature called out "Zeere-a, zee chuculete-a muuse-a is dune-a!"
Cain: *in creatures voice* allow me to eat, er, seat you!
"How nice for you," the paladin said to him, and turned back to the others.
Diablo: *in paladin's voice* Now, about that pizza...
The assassin looked sadly upon the chocolate-coated moose. "All that chocolate, all wasted,..." she murmured, and the amazon patted her hand.
Cain: Thus slicing her own hand open, AGAIN.
"Noo it is teeme-a tu secreeffice-a zee chuculete-a muuse-a!" the beast shouted, lifting a pruning knife above his head. The necromancer suddenly straitened.
Baal: *in necro's voice* Yea! take it off!
"Secree...secree...sacrifice?" the paladin asked, confusion drawing over his face.
Cain: That happens a lot with him, believe me.
"I sense a curse being invoked!" the necromancer barked out, as he lifted his bone wand and prepared to launch a curse in return.
Diablo: Ok now that's just disturbing.
The entire group watched in horror as the moose glowed in a brilliant blue light, then vanished.
Meph: That has to be the least horrific sacrifice I've ever seen...
"Noo yuoo veell deee-a! Bork bork bork!" the creature hefted up a good sized butcher knife and hurled it at the paladin.
Cain: Shouldn't there have been something about who said that and how? Diablo: Bork bork bork? What the... Got any weird translations for that one, Cain?
The paladin leapt and twisted to the side, just barely avoiding being carved into. It sailed through the air and sliced off the end of the barbarians new prize, his chew toy. The barbarian removed it and stared at it blankly before throwing it down.
Meph: Please, like he'd even notice.
"You hurt whistly-bone!" the barbarian yelled, then leaped into the air towards the counter, whilst raising his weapons over his head to smash them down on the beasts head.
Cain: "head" was repeated twice in the same sentence... Diablo: STOP WITH THE GRAMMER!
"Soock it, beeg buy!" the beast retorted, picking up a knife and throwing it upwards at the barbarian, then flipping backwards just in time to avoid his swings as he landed heavily on the counter top a bashed downwards.
Meph: Huh? Baal: What the hell just happened?
The barbarian pulled the small knife out of his side without difficulty and took a swig of a minor healing potion to avoid bleeding problems.
Diablo: Because blood stains are hard to get out.
He was about to jump down again when a fire arrow sailed right above his head, barely missing. He twisted backwards to avoid severe injury, and promptly fell off the counter.
Cain: Why is he twisting about AFTER the arrow has safely passed him?
The seven warriors looked in stunned silence at the origin of the arrow, a small creature with a pig nose and pink cloths. She tossed her golden hair back as she readied her next arrow into a rather absurd looking bow. She drew it back and shouted, "Die, bitch!"
Diablo: Is this...No, it can't be. Cain: Oh it is.
"Bork bork bork?" the assassin said to herself. There was only one creature in all the cosmos who had that laugh. "You must be...The Swedish Chef!"
All: AIIIIIIE!
"Yuoo gut it hut stooffff! Bork bork bork!" the Chef called out, inexplicably winking at her as the amazon knocked the next arrow out of the air with an arrow of her own.
Diablo: *still reeling in shock* They're fighting the friggin' MUPPETS? Cain: We can only assume.
"Miss. Piggy, I presume?" the amazon called over to the pig like creature.
"One would expect nothing less!" the lady pig replied, flicking her hair again.
Baal: Wouldn't say that...
"You!" sneered the assassin, raising her claws at Miss. Piggy.
Diablo: Woa, the assassin just has issues with everybody today, jeez.
"Yes, haha!" the pig chirped, tilting her head to one side and smiling at her former comrade.
Baal: *spills his rootbeer* Cain: What, you didn't know about that?
She then tossed her bow across the room to it's rightful owner, Animal.
"ANIMAL!" Animal cried, quickly readying his bow with a lime green arrow.
Diablo: Some people just like their own names way to much...
It was only then that the group became aware that the bow was made out of drum sticks, shoelaces, and duck tape.
Cain: But not necessarily in that order.
"Be careful, it's poisoned!" the amazon cried out, noticing the type of arrow it was. The shot landed at the paladins feet, as he rolled away, holding his breath.
Meph: After being around the druid's wolves for prolonged periods, you'd think he'd have smelled worse.
The necromancer summoned a fire golem out of the air next to Sam the eagle, as he sent various skeletons to clamor over the counter top to get at the Chef, who was holding them back with a frying pan.
Diablo: Where did Sam come from?
The fire golem raised its arm to punch the eagle, but his arm was grabbed by another fire golem who suddenly crackled to life next to it. "Your not the only master of summoning and curses!" yelled a long nosed and very weird individual who was hanging from a ceiling beam.
Cain: Ah, so now I make an appearance in this fic.
"Gonzo!" growled the necromancer. He recast his fire golem, causing his previous one to vanish as another one appeared on top of the beams that supported Gonzo the Great.
"No!" cried the amazon, quickly lobbing a freeze arrow up at the fire golem, knocking it off the beams and putting out the fire it had started. "You idiot!" she snapped as she whirled around at the necromancer. "You'll get us killed!"
Diablo: For some reason the thought of a fire golem flaming in midair strikes me as funny. Baal: Yea, to bad that's the only thing that comes close to funny in this thing
"Ah! That's what you think, but it's actually US who's going to get you killed!" replied a small, somewhat fuzzy bear-like creature. The druid whirled around at the sound of his voice.
"Fozzie! Your supposed to be dead!" he exclaimed.
All: Figures
"Ah! No, I merely scuttled off when I couldn't get out of wear bear form. And it wasn't even a very good form, but I've become very powerful in it!" the bear explained, raising a finger for who knows what reason.
Cain: Uh, which finger? Meph *patting Cain on the head* It's all right, just don't worry about it.
"You are still out numbered!" the sorceress informed the demonic creatures. "There is seven of us, and five of you!"
"Nah uh! Now there is six! Hahaha!" came a shrill, high pitched voice.
Diablo: Look out, it's Kathy Lee Gifford!
The sorceress turned and saw a ridiculously short creature covered in bright red fur. "My name is Elmo, and I'm going to make you die like a pig in hell! Hahahaha!" it laughed again.
Cain: And how exactly do pigs die in hell? Meph: I didn't start up any slaughter houses, did you guys? Baal&Diablo: Nope. Meph: We'd better look into this...
"Which leaves only one remaining," the paladin said, turning around, looking for the one he knew must be here.
Diablo: McCloud! Meph: There can be only one!
"Correct, and I'm it!" came an answering voice. The owner of the voice stepped forward on his horribly long legs, his entire body a sickly green color.
Cain: Stop using the same word over and over again! Baal: Stop using long words!
"Kermit the Frog!" growled the paladin. "Why am I not surprised, you pathetic whelp!"
"Mmm, strong talk, but can your blade mach mine!" the frog replied, pulling out a long sword.
Meph: Ewwie.
"I can do more than match, I'll easily surpass!" shouted the paladin, as he began to charge. Then he, and everyone else in the room, disappeared.
Diablo: This is getting ridiculous, I'm leaving. Cain: Might as well, we've hit the half way mark. Meph: I need to stretch my remaining limbs. *Cain sneaks off to the left as everyone exits to the right* Baal: Wait, where's he going? *Baal tries door Cain exited with, finding it locked* Baal: Son of a... Cain: *over loudspeaker* Hehehe!
1,2,3,4,5,6,7:
"All right Cain, where's that entertainment system you promised us?" Diablo yelled at the vision screen.
"Oh fine, it's over there," replied the mage, waving a hand as a wall lifted into the ceiling, revealing an Atari hooked up to an eight inch black & white TV.
"That's friggin' IT?!?" yelled Baal, his pincer like feet clicking irritably.
"That's right, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow to play with it. Time to go to bed now, kiddies!" Cain said, opening a door to yet another room. The three Prime Evils began to whine and complain as they entered the bedroom, then began to fight over who got the top, middle, and bottom bunk.
********************** End of Part One, you'll get the second half of the feature story next MiST. The'll also be a guest MiSTer, so that should make things interesting...
If you're still not very familier with the whole Diablo world thing, you can get some bonus info here, at www.elitegames.8m.com , then go down to the appropriate link. It's a litte page I set up by basically stealing pictures of the Prime Evils off the official site.
Any comments, questions, or anything of the like can be sent to instant_feedback@yahoo.com , where i'll be happy to respond just as soon as I think to check that account.
Fanfic Key: This is how the MiST is set up:
Outside Theatre: Third Person Story Mode
Inside Theatre (insert name here): = The heckler says this. *action*=Indicates a heckler doing something or how their saying something.
The Story: (skip down to where you see "*****" if you don't care).
Three minor land masses can be found sitting on a highly polished floor. The room the floor is in is mostly constructed of chrome, stainless steel, and a highly advanced form of white plastic. In it's design (fundamentally simple, but slightly elegant), the room managed to look futuristic, which of course it was. It was part of an intricate prison unit set up on a space ship in orbit around the Earth.
The prison was built to contain the most horrendous, villainous, devious, and unkind demons to ever walk across the realms: The Backstreet Boys. Er, I mean the Prime Evils, the ringleaders of Hell. Well, former ringleaders.
The Prime Evils were cast inside of a special unit called the soulstone, in the hopes that they could be contained. They couldn't. In fact, their imprisonment only gave them a solid foothold into the mortal realm. It was only after a group of seven warriors killed them and destroyed their soulstones that the Prime Evils were truly gone.
Kind of.
As it turns out, their complete and total disillusionment from the realm of Sanctuary really just pushed them into a different realm, that of ham and cheese sandwiches. Heaven, deciding that they wanted to be sure that the Prime Evils wouldn't return, pulled them through yet another dimensional portal and deposited them neatly into the futuristic space craft, to be looked after by a dirty old man. Er...I meant to say Deckard Cain, the last of the Horadrim. Yea.
Anyway, the aforementioned landmasses in the aforementioned room are about to wake up to meet their punishment: To be forced to read terrible stories, often about their own realm! Raise your hand if you didn't see that one coming.. One...two...ok, about five people. The rest of you get a pat on the head.
***** Que the band!
In the not to distant sequel, Somewhere in Diablo Three, Mephy, Baal, and Big D, Are in as much trouble as can be.
Entrapped by an elder, Whose name is Cain. A Horadric Mage Of ancient fame.
After all their soulstones were destroyed, The Prime Evils are about to have their minds toyed!
"I'll send them real bad Fanfics, Of the horrible, I'll send the worst, They'll have to sit and read them all Until their brains become bratwurst"
Now keep in mind the Prime Evils Must read weather a story's small, or the size of a truck, They'll try to keep from going nuts, With sarcastic comments and such
Demon Roll Call: Baal: My Brothers Will Not Have Died in Vain! Mephy: Is My Spinal Column Showing? Deckard Cain: Weren't expecting me in this list, were you? Diablooooo: I'm Afraid of Fire!
If your wondering how this will work, The technology and all that crap, Just repeat to yourself it's just a joke, So just kick back and relax!
Oh Miserably Sad Theatre, 3000!
1,2,3,4,5,6,7:
A large creature slowly rised from his rather uncomfortable position on the floor. Squinting, he looked over and saw his two brothers, also splayed out on the floor around him. Propping himself on one elbow, he tried to determine his surroundings. "Where in Hell am I?" he asked, mumbling.
"We aren't in Hell anymore, Diablo," replied Baal, quickly trying to get up on his many legs. As they continued to struggle to their feet...er, lower appendages...er, means of support, a vision screen unfolds itself from the wall and gracefully slides down. After a slight flicker, the visage of a kindly old man appears on the screen.
"Why hello! Stay a while, and listen!" the elder greeted earnestly. His eyes seemed to capture the light in a manner that reflected all of his vast experience, and the gentle smile playing on his lips seemed to serve as a reminder of all the times in life you thought things were hopeless and suddenly you were all right again, through a simple matter of chance or luck.
Mephisto rose up on his smoke stack, scratching his head and frequently checking to see which direction was up. He craned his neck towards the vision screen and asked, "Anything in particular you had in mind?".
"Well now, let's see..." murmured Cain, gently tugging as his beard. "Well, I suppose I should start with the fact that I've got you all here trapped on this space ship thing and I get to play with your heads."
Diablo, finally freeing himself of his head ache long enough to look at the screen and promptly wished he hadn't. "Ah, hi Cain, how are things...?"
"Oh, you mean since you destroyed my village, turned my best friend into a brainless zombie, and stuck me in a cage to rot?" asked Cain, the graceful peace leaving his face like a group of startled birds, to be replaced with a look of blazing fury. The edge cutting into the old mans voice was enough to make all three Prime Evils wince.
"Er, yea, since then," replied Diablo nervously.
"Oh, fine, fine," replied Cain, returning to a more neutral attitude.
"Right, so, uh...how about us leaving now?" asked Baal, looking around the small room and seeing no doors. How had they gotten in here?
"Ah, but you haven't even read your first story!" replied Cain enthusiastically. "You see, your punishment involves the reading of poorly written texts describing events in our home realm!"
"Er, rain check?" asked Mephisto nervously.
"Nope, sorry, you're stuck here. I'm sending you your first story now. It's called The Childish Trap, and you'll have to see it to believe it." As Cain finished speaking those words, the small room was suddenly ablaze with various colored lights, as bells and whistles blared into the cabin. While all this was going on, a door opened up on one side of the room, and all three Prime Evils felt beckoned towards it.
"We've got fanfic sign!" they called, launching themselves through the door and disappearing into the darkness.
7,6,5,4,3,2,1:
*The three demons walk in and sit in the following order, left to right: Mephisto, Diablo, Baal*
Diablo: You know, I say, if we have to read these pieces of garbage, we at least have fun doing it. Baal: I second that notion. Meph: Did somebody mention seconds?!? Seconds of what?!?
The Childish Trap
Baal: I'm forced to assume that was THE BEST title that the author could think of.
By Gdog4evr
Meph: We can only assume.
CYA Style Disclaimer: Any copy-righted material mentioned in the following story is property of whomever owns them, including but not limited to Blizzard Entertainment and Jim Henson Productions.
Diablo: That covers a lot of territory, now doesn't it?
This story is not in any way meant to insult, degrade, slander, libel, put down, or in any other way offend anybody or anything. If anybody or anything is offended at something in the story, I offer them my apologies.
All: WE DON'T ACCEPT!
If that is not accepted, please work out your aggressions in a form that does not involve contacting a lawyer.
Diablo: Does violence work?
You may feel free to share this story with anyone for any reason as long as it is done freely (meaning you can't charge anything for it) and is the text is kept in its entirety, including this disclaimer. Thank you.
Baal: You're not welcome.
Meph: Does he actually think people would PAY to read this?
Diablo: People pay BY reading this, for Peat's sake!
Feedback is always welcome, which includes suggestions, comments, corrections, personal insults about my mother, or anything else! Please send to instant_feedback@yahoo.com, and maybe you'll get a cookie.
Meph: How about a "get out of fanfic free" card?
The gang of seven warriors ran, skipped, hopped, and occasionally tripped over and past the rubble lining the bottom of the tunnels. The assassin was in front, followed closely by the paladin, who in every other sense of the word was leading the party.
Diablo: Leading them to their doom, that is.
He was also using his Vigor aura to ease their rush. His weapon was sheathed, and his armor dented, and he carried a mysterious bag over his shoulder.
Baal: Could we add just a few more "and"s to that sentence please? Thanks.
The others clamored along behind, trying to make good time.
Meph: I don't know, sounds like a pretty bad time to me.
"Why are we rushing?" yelled out the Necromancer, tailed by several resurrected minions.
Meph: Tailed by? What, were they pinning it on him?
"We have to vanquish the Butcher before the ceremony is completed!" the Paladin called over his shoulder.
Baal: I can't tell if this is the wrong game or the wrong characters. Diablo: Both
The sorceress, beginning to fall behind slightly, teleported a few times and caught up to the Paladin, then resumed running.
"What do you mean, vanquish the Butcher? He died long ago beneath Tristram!" She exclaimed.
Diablo: But only cuz' he was to stupid to move away from the staircase leading down.
"Indeed, but we must now defeat a creature of similar origin but infinitely more devious and powerful.
Baal: Ok the "Devious" part isn't so hard.
Not only that, but he is to be accompanied by creatures even more powerful than the prime evils.
All: HEY!
That is, if we don't get to him first."
Diablo: Wait, who's saying this line? Baal: The necromancer, maybe?
"How you know?" called the barbarian, from several meters back. He was glad he had invested some skill points in Increased Stamina and Increased Speed, even if it did seem like a waste of points at the time.
Meph: So everyone is aware that they can just hit a button and get a new skill then? Diablo: Yup, and every person in this thing decided to max out SUCK.
His Battle Orders howl had, for some inexplicable reason, encouraged them all and had increased their stamina almost as much as the paladin's Vigor. He had to stop occasionally though to recast it, hence he fell behind.
Baal: You can recast a yell?
"I received word from our spies about it," called out the assassin, who was using her Burst of Speed skill to stay ahead of the others.
Diablo: Greedy wench, WHY CAN'T SHE SHARE!?!
"And your sure this is worthy information?" called out the amazon, nimbly stepping between loose rocks that might otherwise trip her as she ran. A large wolf behind her growled, then stopped and melted into a human form before running again.
Meph: He finally gave up on sniffing her butt.
"Yes," called the druid at last after his last attempt.
Baal: If that was his last attempt how is he attempting it now?
"My people and her's worked together to find out exactly what was going on and where. Sentient vines and wolves come in handy for that form of research."
Diablo: Yea, 'cause those vines do anything outside of snarfing down corpses and poisoning people.
The paladin stopped and held up a hand, signaling the others to stop as well. The assassin, not seeing this, nearly ran directly into the wall.
Meph: If this is the same assassin that keeps shutting down my Durance of Hate, I'm going to be so bitter.
As she grunted, the paladin turned to the majority of the group and said, "re-equip. Now."
Diablo: What if they didn't bring swimming trunks?
They all paused a second to allow their stamina to recover, and then pulled off the Vidala's Fetlocks and pulled on their normal footwear.
Baal: They all happened to come across identical set items, what a coincidence.
The paladin walked over and brushed his hand along the wall, looking for something. It was completely black, and seemingly formless. His hand reached up higher, than tapped the wall. He looked at the druid and nodded, tapping the area of the wall again.
Diablo: *In Paladin voice* Right here, this is where we'll hook up the illegal cable box.
The druid walked over and swung his heavy maul in an overhead arch, smashing a hole in the wall towards the ceiling.
Baal: Wait, what? The hole was pointing upwards or something?
He hacked again, and more rocks tumbled loose and fell, opening up a good sized hole.
Diablo: As opposed to a bad sized hole, kind of like the ones filling this plot.
The paladin looked over at the barbarian as the druid finished opening up a gap in the wall. "You remember the plan?" he asked, and the barbarian nodded.
The huge muscle bound figure walked up to the hole as the druid stepped aside, wiping his brow. The barbarian the leaped up and through the space allotted him, and came down the other side.
Meph: Right into a stinking pile of...
He looked at the barrier he had just passed, and found the huge lever he was looking for. He tried forcing the lever up, but it was stuck. He put down his weapon and pulled the lever as hard as he could. "Is jammed!" he called back through the wall. "I need help!"
At this, the sorceress sighed and teleported first into the hole, then looking down, into the room itself. The necromancer jumped up and grabbed at the edge of the hole, and with the help of the paladin lifting him,
Baal: Doesn't that imply that the paladin was above him or something?
got high enough to summon a Blood Golem on the other side. He then fell back to the ground, his armor clinking heavily. They tried repeating the process with the druid so he could summon a grizzly to aid them, but he was much heavier and besides, a grizzly wouldn't help much anyway.
Diablo: Unless he summoned it right on top of the necro.
The three lifted, pulled, and hefted the lever as hard as they could. Then the sorceress stepped back, looked at the lever, gasped, and shouted, "Wait! Hold on a second! Get off the lever!"
Baal: I hate when a girl tells me that. Diablo: Would it have been so hard to think of another word to call it besides "Lever" from time to time?
The two others clamored away from the stone switch, and the sorceress stepped forward and lightly pushed down on it. The switch slid easily downwards, and the wall parted and slid into the ceiling and floor.
Meph: Complicated toilet...
The necromancer summoned a fire golem, his of choice, as the barbarian turned red and mumbled apologies.
"Good work everyone, let's keep going," the paladin said, making sure to pat the barbarian and sorceress on the shoulder.
Baal: *Mimicking barbarian* Bad touchie bad touchie!
He stepped up to the lone door that the fake wall had protected. He tried the handle. "Locked," he informed, then turned to the assassin and raised an eyebrow.
Diablo: Locked doors always get me in a flirty mood too.
"Didn't you mention that your group had determined a way to open virtually any lock, no manner how complicated, effortlessly?"
"Yes,..." she paused, then stepped forward. "But you must swear that if I perform this technique in front of you," she spun on her heel to face all of the group, "Then you must all swear that you shall never tell a soul how it works, for if the secret were let out, it would mean every thief could get into any place and no one would be safe."
Baal: Well, the thieves would be...
The others nodded in mutual, grave agreement. She squared her shoulders, walked to the door, wielded her claws in a flashy manner, then rammed the blades deeply into the keyhole of the door, the twisted her hand and flicked her wrist to rip the lock completely out. Six hands simultaneously slapped the heads of their owners as they saw the secret method of opening locks safe guarded by the assassins and defended fiercely. "What?" she asked out loud, seeing their reaction.
Diablo: Oh no, this one is going to try to be funny, isn't it? Meph: Heavenly Father... Diablo and Baal: HEY! Meph: Sorry. Hellish Father, we ask that you give us the strength to bear these attempts at humor Baal: Much better.
"Nothing!" replied the paladin, rubbing his temples. "That was very..." he stopped short of finishing with "stupid". "...effective" he finished instead. The assassin nodded sharply and stood back, still confused by the numerous rolling eyes.
Baal: And where were they rolling to, exactly? Diablo: All right, I need a break already, let's ditch this place.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7:
Diablo is practicing some yoga exercises as his brothers explore the space ship they are on. This, naturally, dosn't take long. "Find anything interesting?" asked The Lord of Terror, coming out of a peaceful trance of relaxation and bliss.
"Yea, the doors are locked," replied Baal, flopping down on an innocent couch and nearly destroying it.
"You guys call yourselves Prime Evils?" Diablo mocked, who then got up and rammed his fist into the door. He was instantly met with 1.21 gigawatts of electricity and instantly jumped one second into the future.
"We also found out about that," added Mephisto, once Diablo had reappeared, smoking slightly.
A screen opened and the face of a grouchy old man appeared. "Hello, my demons!" the old man called out.
"Hello, Cain!" the Prime Evils called out in falsetto.
"So how are we enjoying our little fan fiction, HMMM?" Cain asked, smiling wickedly.
"Only morbidly less than I enjoyed being electrocuted. What's the deal? How come were only allowed to be in this one room?" asked Diablo.
"You'll gain access to other area's of the ship when I'm danged good and ready to give them too you," replied Cain, shaking a finger. "And I wouldn't advise you to try hacking your way into the other levels..."
"Is that a pun?" Baal whispered to Mephisto.
"...because one of them might be the airlock system. Now get back in that theatre!" Cain yelled in his shaky old man voice as red lights flashed.
7,6,5,4,3,2,1:
*the Prime Evils go into the theatre and sit in their usual places.*
Diablo: Ah great, we're going to be stuck in here for a while now. Baal: I'm just hoping the next room we earn will be the bath room.
The paladin removed his sword from his scabbard, and clicked on Fanaticism for a moment to increase the attack speed and power of his allies and their minions.
Meph: But he screwed something up and they all died; The End. Can we go now? Diablo: Er, I don't think we can...
He then opened the door as quietly as possible, until is squeaked loud enough to make them all grimace. The creature within heard it, and tilted his head to one side, as if considering what to do with it.
Baal: Yea, because there are so many things you can do with your own head.
The beast had horribly yellow skin, bushy brown hair, and wore clothing and a matching hat that were, shockingly, sparkling white. All the warriors and otherwise
Meph: Is that meant to imply some of them were wussies?
poured into the room, weapons and spells readied. The necromancer already launched a curse at the being, a sparkling light dazzling lightly over his head.
Diablo: *in narrator's voice* It was the curse of disco ball! Baal: John Travolta got hit by that once, didn't he?
The creature did not react, as they all slowly noticed. In fact, it seemed to be doing something on a table that they could not see, and very well didn't want to either.
Meph: What's wrong with seeing a table? Diablo: And how did they know it was a table if they couldn't see it?
It was also, for the most part, facing the exact opposite direction of them. It worked busily on the table with a large selection of instruments, pouring, mixing, and cutting. It seemed to be almost completely unaware of their presence.
Diablo: So he can just ignore this whole thing? Jeez I envy him...
Seconds dragged by like minutes. The curse laden on the beast fizzled away and disappeared. Minutes dragged by like hours. The assassin began to straiten from her crouch, as her leg was starting to cramp up. The amazon eased off the tension in her bow, slowly.
Meph: So the amazon is going to let her hair down now?
The others likewise began to relax. Hours didn't drag by.
Baal: Sure as hell feels like it though.
This was because after five full minutes of nothing happening, the paladin finally cleared his throat to get the creatures attention. As he did so, everyone tensed up again once more, the sweat beading down their faces with anticipation and fear.
Diablo: You know, a little prune juice might help relax their problem...
Afterwards, nothing continued to happen. Well, that's not true. The creature began to sing as it worked. It to, was truly hideous, and sounded almost child like, in it's tune.
Meph: *Waving his hands in the air and in a high pitched voice* La la la lalala, la la la la!
The sorceress glanced sharply at the paladin, to signify the message of "What the @#$% are we doing here?" with only her face.
Baal: By mouthing the words out.
The barbarian nudged the druid and pointed at his wrist as if he had a watch, to signify it was lunch time.
Diablo: Which for him, I know for a fact, occurs on an hourly basis.
The paladin decided to do something. "Er, hello?" he asked uncertainly. This elected a small snicker from the group he was meant to be leading. More defiantly and authoritatively, he tried again, after the creature again failed to acknowledge his presence.
Meph: Do you think we could worship this monster guy? I mean he's managed to get seven warriors to stand around looking stupid for a full five minutes, we've never done that. Diablo: Yea, but Durial has, him and his cold enchanted aura. Meph: Oh yea...
"Hello!". The beast finally stopped singing for a moment, but that was only because he had reached the end of the song, and began again after a few moments.
Meph: *waiving his arms in the air and in a high pitched voice* La la la! Baal: Don't make me hurt you.
The amazon lost her patience and rapped the ground sharply with her bow, saying, "What the heck are we doing here? He'll kill us with boredom before he tries to harm us!"
Meph: Fair is fair, you're doing it to us!
"Maybe that's his intention," chimed in the necromancer, "He plans on killing us that way so that he'll have our bodies whole for the cooking pot." The barbarian, recognizing this as a joke, laughed a little along with everyone else, without actually getting it. The paladin, however, was getting fed up.
Diablo: He was feeling bloated?
He marched up to the beast, who was separated from the party by a counter and called out, "Hey buddy, what's your problem?"
Baal: Odds are, you don't want to know.
he reached out across the counter to grab the beast by the shoulder, just as it was finishing another chorus of it's horrid song. Just before he made contact, the creature whirled around, facing the paladin. The paladin gave a high pitched screech and jumped back, dropping his sword to the ground and tripping over it in the process.
Diablo: Hey Mephisto, I'll join you in worshiping this guy if you can just tell me this isn't the same paladin that beat the crap out of ME fifty times.
"Woa, he screams just like you do," the amazon muttered over to the sorceress.
"Shut up, I'm not that bad," the sorceress whispered back. The paladin snatched his sword up and rolled into a defensive/offensive crouch,
Baal: Gotta love dem' all purpose crouches.
as the others re-readied their weapons, preparing to strike at a hair trigger notice.
Diablo: When the amazon flips her hair, that means GO!
"Hellu!" said the creature after regarding his audience. Everyone tensed up even more, muscles bulging, spells shinning, fingers straining around the hilts of weapons.
"Hoo ere-a yuoo?" asked the evil creature. His bushy eyebrows were so overgrown and disgusting that it was impossible to see his eyes. His deformed nose bulged out in a massive triangle. His sinister mouth stretched across his face. All were hesitant to answer the beast's question. Finally, the paladin spoke up.
Diablo: *in paladin's voice*: Um, where' the bath room?
"I am a paladin of the holy order, sent here on a mission..." the paladin was cut off, as the beast spoke overtop of him.
Meph: He jumped on the paladin's head and started talking?
"Nut vhu, hoo. Hoo ere-a yuoo?" the hideous creature corrected.
Meph: I think I should change my mind about worshiping this guy... Baal: Better than worshipping yourself. Meph: Dangit Baal! Stop reading my diary!
"Wait, does he... does he mean how are we?" asked the sorceress in a puzzled tone. The chief nodded happily and repeated his question once more.
Diablo: And so now we are accidentally informed by the author the guy's a cook. Meph: Kinda did that already, with the Necro's joke back there.
The barbarian scratched his head, partly out of confusion, partly to look for fleas.
Baal: He must be stupid. He's bald, no flees would be there!
The druid's tongue was hanging out, partly because of the heat, partly out of confusion.
Meph: Duy!
The paladin slowly stood at his full height, eyeing the creature before him carefully. He said, in a shaky sort of tone, "Um, all right I guess..."
Diablo: *in paladin's voice* Except for the fact I'm a wuss...
"Thet is guud!" applauded the creature, clapping happily.
Meph: Well at least HE'S happy with how this fanfic is going.
He turned his back to them, and then turned back around, holding a mixing bowl in one hand and stirring the contents with the other. The contents of the bowl looked like mud, only more...evil.
Diablo: And how evil is mud by itself, then?
But the smell was almost overpowering, and especially effected the assassin, who was nearing a specific point in her lunar cycle and would soon desire this concoction.
Meph: This is starting to get to much. Baal: Yea, let's go see if the bathroom is available yet
1,2,3,4,5,6,7:
Baal was in the restroom freshening up as Diablo and Baal were playing with the air hockey table. Baal came out just as Diablo scored a point against Mephisto. "How's it look in there?" Mephisto asked as he set up the next puck.
"Pretty basic, a john and a sink. Where did this come from?" inquired Baal, gesturing to the air hockey table.
"Dunno, Cain said that if we were good little demons we'd get more of the same," replied Diablo, concentrating on he game. All of a sudden a trap door opened up beneath the table and it dropped away. The floor sealed itself behind it. Diablo whirled around towards the vision screen showing Cain's smiling face. "Hey, I was about to score another point!" he whined.
"Oh please! I was about to beat your..." Mephisto countered, but Cain cut them both off.
"Silence! I was just gave you a little preview so that you'll behave! Now get back in there, you're almost to the half way mark!" the mage bellowed. 7,6,5,4,3,2,1:
*Everyone walks into the theature and sits in their usual spots. A loud crash is heard, and ??? lands in the seat to the left of Mephisto*
???: Ah dangit, I pushed the wrong lever... Meph: What the blazes? ???: Er, hello... Diablo: Who are you? ???: Er, no one... Baal: Why isn't the fanfic starting? ???: Because I hit the wrong button, instead of starting it up again I was launched here. Diablo: CAIN?!? Oh, you're in trouble now pal. Cain: Tell you what, I'll join you in mocking this thing for a bit, then I'll give you access to the entertainment system. Cool beans? Baal: And why don't we kill you? Cain: Because then you're stuck here. Meph: Fair enough. Cain: Right. *pulls out remote controll* let's get started then...
"Tudey ve-a meke-a zee chuculete-a muuse-a!" cried the beast. "Furst, zee chuculet!" he informed them as he mixed the contents with even stronger strokes of the ladle.
Diablo: Do you guy's remember hireing a demon that was on something bizare? Meph: If he was on something he'd be on my pay check, and I don't think I hired anyone like that. Baal: Why you specifically? Meph: You never noticed all the smoke?
"Candy food..." drooled the barbarian, lumbering up to the beast, wishing to partake of the chocolate.
Cain: Ah, I see now. Chuclet is equal to chocolate. He seems to be speaking in a heavily Sweedish accent. Diablo: If that's the best heckling job you can do then we really ARE going to kill you.
"No! It may be poison!" yelled the paladin, who desperately wanted to dive into the fudge himself.
Cain: I do not think the bowl is deep enough, young one! Diablo: Er, a little better, I suppose...
"I'm an expert in poisons, thus I shall be first to sample said substance to determine it's safety," said the necromancer, licking his lips.
Meph: Oh please, the only poison he studies is booze. Cain: And I beleive "it's" means "it is", thus only "its" should have been written. Baal: Cain, just STOP and watch us for a while, then jump in when you think you got the idea.
He started moving, but was quickly blocked by the amazon and sorceress as they surged forward to get there first.
Cain: Personally, I think I'd rather be blocked like that than have the chocolate anyhow. Diablo: *Blinking* Dang...And you're how old, Cain?
The assassin was already reaching across the counter top towards the bowl, only to have her hand slapped away by the devious creature holding it.
Meph: *In Creatures voice* Only ONE piece of halloween candy-ah! Baal: That impersonation blows Meph: So does this fanfic, but that's not stopping it! Cain: Given the Katar blade she bears on her wrist, wouldn't this beast just lacerate his own hand? Diablo:Getting better, now just drop anything more than two syllables.
"Stop! All of you stop!" the paladin yelled.
Cain: *In paladin's voice* Now drop and roll! Oh, this is the worst fire saftey class ever!
"This is exactly what he wants! He wants us to eat that stuff!"
Baal: That could be taken so wrong...
"We want that too!" cried the barbarian, who had his great sword raised to knock two of his fellow warriors out of the way.
All: Do it! Do it! Do it!
"But it might kill you!" the paladin nearly shouted through clenched teeth, which is somewhat difficult.
Cain: Especially if you don't have any teeth, believe me I know.
The assassin had begun pleading with the beast, but he was ignoring her. The paladin reached over and grabbed her wrist, pulling her away from the creature, begging her to regain herself.
Cain: Again, how are people able to touch her hands without losing their own?
"Zeere-a! Zee chuculete is-a dune-a!" called the beast suddenly. He sat down the bowl as the assassin regarded it with purely naked lust.
Baal: Not even going to touch that one.
The paladin was having to forcibly restrain her, and was beginning to fail.
Diablo: Mostly because as a monk he isn't allowed to touch women.
The amazon and the sorceress came forward and aided in prying away the assassin, slipping her a small block of fudge beyond the sight of the barbarian, who still was looking at the chocolate with shinning eyes.
Meph: I'll bet anything the turtle wax stung.
While all this was going on, the chief proudly proclaimed, "Und noo, zee muuse-a!", and brought forth, from the next room, a live, full grown, Canadian moose.
Cain: But the barbarian was already there!
As the sounds of ravenous smacking sounds of the warriors could be heard, the creature began smearing the chocolate from the bowl unto the quadruped.
Baal: "As the sounds of the ravenous smacking sounds"? Sounds like the title of a horrible poem! Diablo: Oh, will we be mocking that next? Cain: I'm not THAT cruel.
The assassin discreetly munched on her fudge and began to recover herself, while the barbarian satisfied himself with a chew toy that the druid had loaned him.
Meph: And the chew toy tasted like fudge?
The paladin was holding a meeting as the creature sang while working.
Cain *In paladin's voice* Who wants what on your pizza?
"All right, so he's an idiot. What's the move?" asked the sorceress.
Diablo: Oh come on, the barbarian isn't THAT bad.
"Is it possible we have the wrong coordinates?" asked the necromancer, leaning against the wall.
Cain: ...which promptly collapsed.
"We've had spies in the area for weeks, this is where we're supposed to be," the assassin informed.
Meph: And the spy's couldn't do anything about it?
"This may be a divisional tactic, trying to hold us off until the opportune moment," the paladin mused.
"What moment would that be? When to sample the cheese cake?" the necromancer snipped snidely, twirling his sacred bone wand between his fingers.
Baal: Bone wand? I guess that's just what he calls it...
"Ooo, we eat that, can't we?" asked the barbarian, removing the chew toy from his mouth, briefly.
Cain: What, the bone wand?
The druid had assured him that he could keep it, in that not even the wolves wanted it back.
Diablo: But only because they had laced it with cyanide, just for the barbarian.
"No, we can't eat anything he cooks, he might poison it," explained the paladin once more, patiently.
"He's preparing it right in front of us, if he tried putting anything in anything, we'd see it," said the amazon, who deeply enjoyed cheese cake.
Meph: Ok, I'm the Lord of Hatred and even I think this is starting to get offensive towards women.
"What if he added poison to the ingredients before hand?" asked the druid, regretfully. He, also, deeply appreciated both chocolate and cheese cake.
Diablo: There there, dear brother, the author compensates...sort of.
The various masters of the conversational arts were interrupted as the creature called out "Zeere-a, zee chuculete-a muuse-a is dune-a!"
Cain: *in creatures voice* allow me to eat, er, seat you!
"How nice for you," the paladin said to him, and turned back to the others.
Diablo: *in paladin's voice* Now, about that pizza...
The assassin looked sadly upon the chocolate-coated moose. "All that chocolate, all wasted,..." she murmured, and the amazon patted her hand.
Cain: Thus slicing her own hand open, AGAIN.
"Noo it is teeme-a tu secreeffice-a zee chuculete-a muuse-a!" the beast shouted, lifting a pruning knife above his head. The necromancer suddenly straitened.
Baal: *in necro's voice* Yea! take it off!
"Secree...secree...sacrifice?" the paladin asked, confusion drawing over his face.
Cain: That happens a lot with him, believe me.
"I sense a curse being invoked!" the necromancer barked out, as he lifted his bone wand and prepared to launch a curse in return.
Diablo: Ok now that's just disturbing.
The entire group watched in horror as the moose glowed in a brilliant blue light, then vanished.
Meph: That has to be the least horrific sacrifice I've ever seen...
"Noo yuoo veell deee-a! Bork bork bork!" the creature hefted up a good sized butcher knife and hurled it at the paladin.
Cain: Shouldn't there have been something about who said that and how? Diablo: Bork bork bork? What the... Got any weird translations for that one, Cain?
The paladin leapt and twisted to the side, just barely avoiding being carved into. It sailed through the air and sliced off the end of the barbarians new prize, his chew toy. The barbarian removed it and stared at it blankly before throwing it down.
Meph: Please, like he'd even notice.
"You hurt whistly-bone!" the barbarian yelled, then leaped into the air towards the counter, whilst raising his weapons over his head to smash them down on the beasts head.
Cain: "head" was repeated twice in the same sentence... Diablo: STOP WITH THE GRAMMER!
"Soock it, beeg buy!" the beast retorted, picking up a knife and throwing it upwards at the barbarian, then flipping backwards just in time to avoid his swings as he landed heavily on the counter top a bashed downwards.
Meph: Huh? Baal: What the hell just happened?
The barbarian pulled the small knife out of his side without difficulty and took a swig of a minor healing potion to avoid bleeding problems.
Diablo: Because blood stains are hard to get out.
He was about to jump down again when a fire arrow sailed right above his head, barely missing. He twisted backwards to avoid severe injury, and promptly fell off the counter.
Cain: Why is he twisting about AFTER the arrow has safely passed him?
The seven warriors looked in stunned silence at the origin of the arrow, a small creature with a pig nose and pink cloths. She tossed her golden hair back as she readied her next arrow into a rather absurd looking bow. She drew it back and shouted, "Die, bitch!"
Diablo: Is this...No, it can't be. Cain: Oh it is.
"Bork bork bork?" the assassin said to herself. There was only one creature in all the cosmos who had that laugh. "You must be...The Swedish Chef!"
All: AIIIIIIE!
"Yuoo gut it hut stooffff! Bork bork bork!" the Chef called out, inexplicably winking at her as the amazon knocked the next arrow out of the air with an arrow of her own.
Diablo: *still reeling in shock* They're fighting the friggin' MUPPETS? Cain: We can only assume.
"Miss. Piggy, I presume?" the amazon called over to the pig like creature.
"One would expect nothing less!" the lady pig replied, flicking her hair again.
Baal: Wouldn't say that...
"You!" sneered the assassin, raising her claws at Miss. Piggy.
Diablo: Woa, the assassin just has issues with everybody today, jeez.
"Yes, haha!" the pig chirped, tilting her head to one side and smiling at her former comrade.
Baal: *spills his rootbeer* Cain: What, you didn't know about that?
She then tossed her bow across the room to it's rightful owner, Animal.
"ANIMAL!" Animal cried, quickly readying his bow with a lime green arrow.
Diablo: Some people just like their own names way to much...
It was only then that the group became aware that the bow was made out of drum sticks, shoelaces, and duck tape.
Cain: But not necessarily in that order.
"Be careful, it's poisoned!" the amazon cried out, noticing the type of arrow it was. The shot landed at the paladins feet, as he rolled away, holding his breath.
Meph: After being around the druid's wolves for prolonged periods, you'd think he'd have smelled worse.
The necromancer summoned a fire golem out of the air next to Sam the eagle, as he sent various skeletons to clamor over the counter top to get at the Chef, who was holding them back with a frying pan.
Diablo: Where did Sam come from?
The fire golem raised its arm to punch the eagle, but his arm was grabbed by another fire golem who suddenly crackled to life next to it. "Your not the only master of summoning and curses!" yelled a long nosed and very weird individual who was hanging from a ceiling beam.
Cain: Ah, so now I make an appearance in this fic.
"Gonzo!" growled the necromancer. He recast his fire golem, causing his previous one to vanish as another one appeared on top of the beams that supported Gonzo the Great.
"No!" cried the amazon, quickly lobbing a freeze arrow up at the fire golem, knocking it off the beams and putting out the fire it had started. "You idiot!" she snapped as she whirled around at the necromancer. "You'll get us killed!"
Diablo: For some reason the thought of a fire golem flaming in midair strikes me as funny. Baal: Yea, to bad that's the only thing that comes close to funny in this thing
"Ah! That's what you think, but it's actually US who's going to get you killed!" replied a small, somewhat fuzzy bear-like creature. The druid whirled around at the sound of his voice.
"Fozzie! Your supposed to be dead!" he exclaimed.
All: Figures
"Ah! No, I merely scuttled off when I couldn't get out of wear bear form. And it wasn't even a very good form, but I've become very powerful in it!" the bear explained, raising a finger for who knows what reason.
Cain: Uh, which finger? Meph *patting Cain on the head* It's all right, just don't worry about it.
"You are still out numbered!" the sorceress informed the demonic creatures. "There is seven of us, and five of you!"
"Nah uh! Now there is six! Hahaha!" came a shrill, high pitched voice.
Diablo: Look out, it's Kathy Lee Gifford!
The sorceress turned and saw a ridiculously short creature covered in bright red fur. "My name is Elmo, and I'm going to make you die like a pig in hell! Hahahaha!" it laughed again.
Cain: And how exactly do pigs die in hell? Meph: I didn't start up any slaughter houses, did you guys? Baal&Diablo: Nope. Meph: We'd better look into this...
"Which leaves only one remaining," the paladin said, turning around, looking for the one he knew must be here.
Diablo: McCloud! Meph: There can be only one!
"Correct, and I'm it!" came an answering voice. The owner of the voice stepped forward on his horribly long legs, his entire body a sickly green color.
Cain: Stop using the same word over and over again! Baal: Stop using long words!
"Kermit the Frog!" growled the paladin. "Why am I not surprised, you pathetic whelp!"
"Mmm, strong talk, but can your blade mach mine!" the frog replied, pulling out a long sword.
Meph: Ewwie.
"I can do more than match, I'll easily surpass!" shouted the paladin, as he began to charge. Then he, and everyone else in the room, disappeared.
Diablo: This is getting ridiculous, I'm leaving. Cain: Might as well, we've hit the half way mark. Meph: I need to stretch my remaining limbs. *Cain sneaks off to the left as everyone exits to the right* Baal: Wait, where's he going? *Baal tries door Cain exited with, finding it locked* Baal: Son of a... Cain: *over loudspeaker* Hehehe!
1,2,3,4,5,6,7:
"All right Cain, where's that entertainment system you promised us?" Diablo yelled at the vision screen.
"Oh fine, it's over there," replied the mage, waving a hand as a wall lifted into the ceiling, revealing an Atari hooked up to an eight inch black & white TV.
"That's friggin' IT?!?" yelled Baal, his pincer like feet clicking irritably.
"That's right, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow to play with it. Time to go to bed now, kiddies!" Cain said, opening a door to yet another room. The three Prime Evils began to whine and complain as they entered the bedroom, then began to fight over who got the top, middle, and bottom bunk.
********************** End of Part One, you'll get the second half of the feature story next MiST. The'll also be a guest MiSTer, so that should make things interesting...
If you're still not very familier with the whole Diablo world thing, you can get some bonus info here, at www.elitegames.8m.com , then go down to the appropriate link. It's a litte page I set up by basically stealing pictures of the Prime Evils off the official site.
Any comments, questions, or anything of the like can be sent to instant_feedback@yahoo.com , where i'll be happy to respond just as soon as I think to check that account.