Jerry helps out George, Kramer gets food poisoning and Elaine steals and
idea.
I own no Seinfeld characters.
Ted Williams
Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the couch, Jerry is on the phone.
Jerry: Yes, I'll be there in an hour. Ok, Yes, Yes, I understand.
He hangs up
Elaine: What was that all about.
Jerry: Oh George wants to buy his father a signed Ted Williams baseball.
Elaine: What for.
Jerry: You know I didn't ask but I'm sure there is something in it for George.
Elaine: It must be setting him back a few pennies.
Jerry: A few pennies. Does any one even use penny's any more.
Elaine: I do as book marks.
Jerry: I'm sure Abe Lincoln would be proud to know that his face graces the inside of your Cosmopolitan magazines.
Elaine: Well right now his face is between, Cameron Diaz's Breasts and Jennifer Lopez's ass.
Jerry pauses and tilts his head.
Jerry: Any way a manger at a comedy club told me up about this guy. Get this his name is Fritz Bingle.
Elaine: Fritz Bingle, what is that some sort of joke.
Jerry: I know you don't see many people named Fritz anymore.
Kramer bursts through the door carrying two big shopping bags.
Kramer: Jerry, I just came from the new dollar store on the corner, Wow Everything's a Dollar. And you know what everything's a dollar.
Jerry: The name didn't give it away.
Elaine stands up and walks over to the bags Kramer is holding.
Elaine: What'd you get.
Kramer: I got lots of good stuff, tuna two cans for a dollar got eight cans. A pack of twenty lighters one dollar. Candles, candy, bread, a few statues, wrapping paper, 500 hundred feet of tinfoil.
Jerry: That'll come in handy.
Kramer: Jerry, you know what I'm going do to with the tin foil put it on all my walls like wallpaper.
Jerry: Should I even ask why?
Kramer: To make sure the government isn't spying on me. You know they spy on us every day and night. They know what we watch, what we eat, who we talk to, they even know what we do when we're alone in our beds.
Elaine: Sleep.
Kramer: Maybe for you.
Elaine takes one of the cans of tuna out of the shopping bags.
Elaine: Kramer this tuna expired two years ago, no wonder it's so cheap.
Kramer: That's what I thought but the guy who works there said they were just miss-printed, he said they are just perfect.
Jerry: And you just take his word for it.
Kramer: Of course, he represesnts a major American corporation, those guys don't lie. Know do you have a can opener because I feel like some tuna.
Kramer walks into the kitchen and shuffles trough some draws until he finds the can opener. He proceeds to open the can of tuna, then takes a big fork full and eats it.
Kramer: OH MAMA that's bad, tastes like rotten fish.
Elaine walks over and looks in the open can.
Elaine: You know Kramer there's little black bugs enjoying your lunch also.
Kramer: OH, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Kramer runs to Jerry's bathroom and throws up.
Jerry: That's lovely.
In The bathroom they hear Kramer throwing up and coughing.
Elaine: Think he'll be ok.
Jerry: I don't think he's found his kryptonite yet.
Elaine: Except work.
The buzzer goes off.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: It's George.
Jerry press's the button and opens his door. Kramer walks out of the bathroom, all disheveled, he sees Jerry getting ready to throw the tuna in the garbage.
Kramer: Jerry, stop! That's evidence, I'm going to sue "Wow Everything's a Dollar", I'm calling Jackie.
Kramer is getting ready to leave the apartment holding the open can of Tuna, as he's just about to exit George walks in.
George: Kramer what's in the bags, and why does it smell like rotten fish in here.
Kramer: That's the smell of a big fat settlement.
Jerry: Our man Kramer here has just discovered that two year old tuna isn't really that good to eat.
George: Yeah. Any way Jerry, did you make arrangements to get the ball.
Jerry: Yes, I said we would pick up in an hour. The one thing though when we get there don't tell him you work for the Yankees.
George: Why.
Jerry: Well, I found out he made a very substantial bet on the game where Bucky Dent hit the Homerun and ever since then he has hated everything to do with the Yankees. Supposedly he lost everything.
George: What do you mean everything.
Jerry: I mean, he lost all his money, his wife, kids, house, dog, car everything.
George: No problem, I can always pass my self off as an architect.
Jerry: Yeah you know George, I think its time to make up a new occupation to lie about.
George: Jerry, my whole life is based on lies and this one lie is the basis of so much in my life.
Jerry: Well be something else, ok.
George: Fine.
Elaine: Tell George the guys name.
Jerry: Fritz Bingle.
Elaine: That's almost as funny Art Vandelay
Jerry: Almost.
George: Fritz Bingle you know it sounds like Chris Kringle, you think it's really Santa in disguise.
Jerry: Yeah George, Santa pass's him self off between Christmas's as a lunatic selling autographed Ted Williams baseballs.
George: It's possible.
Jerry: Just don't mention you work for the Yankee's the guy's a little out there.
George: I'll try.
Elaine: Look I'm out of here, Peterman wants me come up with a name for a new product for the fall catalog.
Jerry: What is it.
Elaine: Goose down filled pants.
Jerry: What like ski pants.
Elaine: No, like every day pants.
Jerry: Isn't that going to be a little bulky to walk in.
Elaine: I had a pair on last night it's like walking in a straight jacket for your legs.
Jerry: How is he still in business.
Elaine: Your telling me.
George: You should call them, "Winter Wonder Pants"
Elaine: Yeah George.
Elaine walks out of the apartment and stops in the hallway she takes out a pad and writes in it, Winter Wonder Pants.
Jerry: You ready, lets go and remember don't mention you work for the Yankee's.
George: Fine. George doesn't like this.
George and Jerry leave apartment.
****
Inside Jackies office, Jackie is on the phone.
Jackie: Yes, send him to Dr. Johnson on 86th street, and make him walk there it should really aggravate his leg. Slam Dunk.
Jackie's secretary walks in.
Madge: Mr. Childs there is a Cosmo Kramer outside to see you .
Jackie: Tell him to leave, I don't want to see him.
Kramer sticks his head in.
Kramer: Jackie! Come on I need your help!
Jackie: Kramer do you know how many cases your stupidity lost for me.
Kramer: I think I have a case against Wow Everything's a Dollar stores.
Jackie: The same Wow Everything's a Dollar Store, that's the biggest dollar store in the country, sales in the billions, stock dividends.
Kramer: Yeah Jackie them.
Jackie: Come in sit down. That'll be all Madge.
Kramer sits in a chair opposite Jackie.
Jackie: What happened.
Kramer: I bought some tuna fish that had expired two years ago and the guy said it was fine because the date was misprinted.
Jackie: What brand of tuna.
Kramer: Great White.
Jackie: White or light.
Kramer: White.
Jackie: Oil or water.
Kramer: Water.
Jackie: Then you ate some and got sick, causing you a fear of not only tuna but all foods that come in cans along with a fear and distrust of all store employee's
Kramer: Yes, exactly!
Jackie: Do you still have the evidence.
Kramer pulls out a can of opened tuna from his pocket sealed in a Tupperware.
Kramer: Here's the can I ate from.
He opens the lid and the smell overtakes the room.
Jackie: Close it, close it. You ate that, there's bugs in there.
Kramer: I know, I ate bugs. I can feel them crawling all up in me.
Jackie: How do you feel now.
Kramer: Nauseous, crampy, not good.
Jackie: Excellent, I might have you eat some more of the tuna, you know just for effect.
Kramer: What ever you think Jackie.
Jackie picks up his phone.
Jackie: Madge, call Doctor Leeman at JT Labs I need some tuna analyzed. Also get some one from the Bronx Zoo on the line I want him to tell me what kind of bugs Mr. Kramer ingested and if it's life threatening?
Kramer: Life threatening, Oh Mama.
Jackie: You never know, if you die we could be looking at millions.
Kramer gives the thumb up to Jackie and then runs out of his office to the bathroom.
****
Elaine is sitting at her desk starring at the white goose down pants when Peterman walks in.
Peterman: Well Elaine have you come up with a name and paragraph for these goose down filled pants.
Elaine: I think so. (Elaine looks at the pad on her desk and all that's written is Winter Wonder Pants)
Winter Wonder Pants, they are big, warm and wonderful to wear. It's
like wearing your comforter on your legs. When you take that journey
in the dead of winter why not wear some pants that are 100% goose down.
After a pause of a few seconds.
Peterman: Elaine, that is superb, outstanding put it to print.
Elaine: Ok (saying very hesitantly)
Peterman: Elaine some times you just floor me, know get a model and let's get it in our new catalog.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, that's going to print in two days.
Peterman: That's why you better get started right away.
Elaine: But sir.
Peterman: Please Elaine lets not spoil this moment. Know I have to leave I'm meeting a man from Sri Lanka, whose looking to sell his inventory of ascot's. Oh the ascot, I remember It was 1976 the old ladies two hundredth birthday, I was strolling down Fifth Ave wearing my stars and stripes 100 % polyester leisure suit on my way to Studio 54. I had purchased that suit it in a small store in San Francisco. I felt a cool breeze hit my neck, so I pulled out my maroon, 100% Chinese silk ascot and nipped that breeze right in the but.
Peterman leaves, Elaine is sitting there amazed he liked the idea.
Elaine: (To her self) Know where am I going to get a model.
****
Jerry and George are standing out side an apartment door, George knocks.
George: Are you sure he said he was going to be here. (George knocks again)
Jerry: yeah.
The door opens and standing there is an over weight man in his fifties with white hair and a long white beard. George leans in to whisper to Jerry.
George: I could have just asked him to bring it to me on Christmas.
Jerry snickers.
Fritz: What do you want!
Jerry: Fritz it's Jerry Seinfeld I'm here to get the ball, remember we spoke on the phone.
Fritz: Seinfeld no relation to Ed Seinfeld The Yankee's Janitor from 1968 to 1978.
Jerry: No, no janitors in my family.
Fritz: Who's this guy.
George: Hi I'm George.
Fritz: You work for the Yankee's, they have a guy their his name is George Costanza some sort of assistant in the front office. I saw his picture you look a lot like him, beady eyes, bald.
George: Balding, not bald! And no, it's George .. VanDelay, I'm (Jerry looks at George and opens his eyes wide) a Doctor, work over at Mt Sinai.
Fritz: What kind of Doctor, you don't look like a Doctor.
George: I'm a gynecologist.
Fritz: You don't look like a gynecologist, more like an architect.
George gives Jerry a snide look.
George: That's was my first choice but my father always wanted me to be a doctor.
Jerry: Anyway do you have the ball.
Fritz: Yeah, yeah I have it.
George: Wow a Ted Williams signed ball. Is my father going to be surprised, you know Ted Williams was his favorite player.
Jerry: I'm surprised your dad actually likes baseball, I always took him for the wrestling or roller derby fan.
Fritz hands George the ball and George in return hands him cash.
George: How do I know this is authentic and not some forgery.
Fritz: Are you calling me a thief Doc!
George: No, just a simple question no need to get upset.
Fritz: It's real (Fritz walks over to a wall and takes down photo showing him and Ted Williams).
Jerry: You satisfied. Can we leave know I think you have a pap smear scheduled for 2pm Doctor.
The two leave the apartment.
Jerry: Why are you getting this for your father, you're not the giving type.
George: Well, I just wanted to give him something, to show him some appreciation for being my dad.
Jerry: Georgy.
George: Ok, ok, you see I figure if I keep the ball I'll just sell it in a few days or lose it. Well if I give it to my dad he'll hold it till he dies then I take it back and sell it for like two or three times the amount I paid.
Jerry: So in other words your investing in your dads death. Why not just take out an insurance policy on him.
George: You don't think I did that already. So long as he doesn't commit suicide I'll be a very rich man and it'll be George's time baby!
Jerry: You never cease to amaze me.
George goes back with Jerry to his apartment.
George: So you want to go see a movie.
Jerry: No I cant I have a date.
George: With who.
Jerry: The spitter, Lisa.
George: Oh yeah, every time she says words with the letter P in it she spits.
Jerry: Yeah, I'm going to break it off with her tonight.
George: Why.
Jerry: Lets put it this way last night we went to an Italian restaurant she ordered the pasta with pesto sauce and aside of spinach. There was so much spit coming out people thought they were ring side at a Mike Tyson fight. Then we go back to her place and were on the couch she whispers in my ear that she had on pink panties.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Well the spitting then didn't really bother me. But it's like dating old faithful.
George: Well I'm going to get a nice box for this ball then go give it to my dad. Besides he just had a stress test today so I want to see if I'm any closer to my investment maturity date.
As George is about to leave Kramer walks in.
Kramer: Hey buddy.
Jerry: How's the case going.
Kramer: Jackie says it's a slam dunk.
Jerry: I can't believe he's actually representing you after the other times you blew it for him.
Kramer: Yeah well, we cant loose, I have the bad tuna, the doctors report and two witness's who saw me eat it, you and Elaine.
Jerry: Oh yeah slam dunk, the minute they offer you a 50% discount on all items purchased in there stores you'll fold like a deck of cards. Or maybe if you hold out they can get you an honorary Admiralship on all the Great White Tuna fishing boats.
Kramer: Admiral Cosmo Kramer! I like the way it sounds.
Jerry: See.
Kramer: Well not this time.
George: You know what, I'm leaving .
Kramer: What do you have there George.
George: It's a Ted Williams autographed baseball for my dad.
Kramer: Let me see that.
George: Be careful it wasn't cheap.
Kramer: Yeah this is a fake.
George: How can you tell.
Kramer: It's simple Ted Williams always made the cross on the T extend over his whole name.
Jerry: And you know this because.
Kramer: Jerry, I used to be a big collector of sports memorabilia.
Jerry: Oh yeah, it consisted four Steve Balboni baseball cards.
Kramer: Signed Steve Balboni cards, which I sold for a substantial profit.
Jerry: You sold them to the ten-year-old down stairs for a pack of gum and a stamp from Lithuania.
Kramer: I'm telling you this is a fake.
He sees Newman walking by.
Kramer: Newman come in here.
Newman: Hello Jerry.
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Kramer: Look at this.
Newman: Yeah it's a fake Ted Williams signed ball.
George: Are you sure Newman.
Newman: Don't question me Costanza, I know all your dirty laundry.
George: Yeah like there's some one in NY who doesn't know my dirty laundry, I don't think so.
Newman: Good Point. Ted Williams always extended the cross on his T over his whole name.
Kramer: Thanks Buddy.
Jerry: Your going to take Newman's word for it.
George: I knew it was to good to be true.
Kramer: Just take it back, what's the big deal.
Newman: Yeah Costanza what's the big deal.
George: The big deal is the guy's a nut.
Newman: Does he look like Santa Clause, last name is Bingle.
Jerry: Yeah how'd you know.
Newman: He used to be a postal carrier, had the upper West Side, sold forged sports memorabilia on the side.
George: Great so you know him lets go get my money back.
Newman: No way. When I was rookie he was my trainer. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a cool autumn day, we were walking up 6th Ave, he's listening to the Yankee game, next thing I know Dent hits the homerun and he jumps on me and bites my neck. Even for a mail carrier he's nuts. To this day I can't watch that highlight without having flashbacks.
Jerry: Cant be that bad of a guy.
Newman: Forget it, even a Postal Employee has his limits.
Kramer: Thanks Newman.
He slaps him on the back.
George: Just great, George always gets screwed. Not this time baby, I'm going back there and getting my money.
George goes running out of the apartment holding the ball.
Elaine walks in.
Elaine: What's that all about.
Jerry: About 230 pounds of failure.
Elaine: Listen Kramer, you did some modeling for Calvin Klein.
Kramer: Oh yeah, I still get comments on how nice my buttocks are.
Elaine: Yeah, how would you like to be in the new J. Peterman catalog modeling some goose down pants.
Kramer: Can I keep the pants.
Elaine: I guess.
Kramer: Giddyup. When do we shoot.
Elaine: Tomorrow at 12 noon.
Kramer: But we have to be done by 2:30 I have a meeting with the Wow Every Things a Dollar people and Jackie at three to discuss my settlement.
Elaine: Just be at this address at 12.
Jerry: Hey, how come you didn't ask me.
Kramer: Jerry, come on know! Your not model material your all flabby and hanging, me on the other hand I'm the perfect example of a sculpted male body (posing).
Jerry: Good luck Elaine.
Elaine: Oh one thing the name of the product is The Winter Wonder Pants.
Jerry: That's George's idea. Did you tell him you went with his idea? You know he's going to want to be paid for the idea.
Elaine: No and either are you or you (pointing at the two of them).
Jerry: Like he's not going to find out.
Elaine: George look at the Peterman catalog, Ha. The same George who buys his clothes from the kids department off the husky rack.
Jerry: Good point.
Kramer: Jerry, look at my back it feels like something is crawling on me.
Kramer lifts his shirt and turns around, Jerry takes a look.
Jerry: I don't see anything.
Kramer: It's those bugs there all inside me multiplying. Eating me alive from the inside out. It's like that movie Alien, one day some huge bug is going to explode out of my stomach.
Jerry: You're crazy.
Kramer: I'm calling Jackie to see if they figured out what type of bugs they are.
Jerry: Believe me Kramer if you do have any bugs inside you there probably mooching off the ones already there.
****
Jerry is siting at a restaurant across from Lisa the spitter.
Jerry: So what are you going to order.
Lisa. I think the sautéed Perch with mashed Potatoes and asParagus.
Jerry wipes his face.
Jerry: It figures.
Lisa. And for desert the Peach Pie.
Jerry watches as a spitball goes into his water.
Jerry: Yeah you know what I'm out a here.
Lisa: Jerry where are you going.
Jerry: To get a rain coat and umbrella.
Lisa: What's that mean.
Jerry: It means every time you say a word with the Letter P in it you spit on me!
Lisa: It didn't bother you when I said I was wearing Pink Panties.
Jerry pauses for a moment.
Jerry: Are you wearing pink panties now.
Lisa: No, PurPle Panties.
Jerry pauses for a moment.
Jerry: ALRIGHT, I'll stay.
Jerry wipes his face
****
A photographer is taking Kramer's picture while wearing the Winter Wonder Pants, Elaine is watching from behind the photographer.
Photog: Work it Kramer, work it.
Kramer is posing in all different positions, it looks as if he is wearing pillows for pants. He keeps tripping over his legs.
Photog: That's it, that's the one hold it hold it.
Kramer falls over knocking the lights down with him. He sees it's two thirty.
Kramer: I got to go.
Kramer runs out of the studio, in the pants.
Elaine: Did you get a good one.
Photog: Yes. You know his buttocks are incredible.
****
Kramer stumbles in to Jackie's office all out of breathe wearing the Winter wonder Pants. Sitting around a table are Jackie, and two lawyers representing the Dollar store.
Jackie: Kramer are you all right.
Kramer: Yeah, Yeah I was just doing a modeling gig for J. Peterman.
Jackie: Mr. Thompson, Mr. Jared this is Cosmo Kramer, the gentlemen who was severally food poisoned by one of the products you have for sale.
Kramer: I ate bugs. And I can feel them crawling inside me.
Mr. Thompson: I love the J. Peterman catalog, I just bought the urban sombrero. Are those a new product.
Kramer: Yes, I believe they are going to be in the new catalog.
Thompson: What are they called.
Kramer: The winter wonder pants, because they're a wonder.
Kramer leans into Jackie and whispers.
Kramer: Any one can walk in them
Jackie: Can we get down to business, I have a man who is severely traumatized, suffered unneeded intestinal distress, and has an ant farm growing in his stomach, from a can of tainted tuna purchased at your store.
Mr. Jared: Ok, we're ready to settle this out of court for.
Kramer was about to speak when Jackie stepped on his foot.
Kramer: Owwwwwwwwww.
Jared: for one hundred fifty thousand dollars, a fifty percent off discount on all purchases at any of our stores for the rest of your life.
Jackie: The man ate bugs, a bug that three insect experts couldn't recognize, their probably eating away at his stomach lining right know. Is there any justice, should we just go to trial and make sure all of America knows that your store sells expired food.
Thompson: Two hundred thousand and 60% off final offer.
Kramer leans into Jackie and whispers in his ear.
Jackie: Mr. Kramer would also like to be an honorary Admiral for the Great White tuna fishing boat fleet.
Thompson: I don't see why not.
Thompson and Jared leave the office. Kramer and Jackie shake hands.
Jackie: Slam Dunk.
Kramer: They didn't know what kind of bugs I ate, I knew it, its just a matter of time before it pops out my stomach.
Jackie: Kramer those bugs you ate where harmless.
Kramer: Anchors away.
****
Jerry's apartment, Jerry is watching TV when the buzzer goes off.
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: It's Elaine.
Jerry press's the button opens the door. Elaine walks in after a few seconds.
Elaine: Jerome.
Jerry: Lanie. So how did the big shoot go.
Elaine: I got to tell you Jerry, Kramer worked out just great. Here I have the picture right here.
Elaine takes out a big envelope and hands Jerry the picture in it.
Jerry: Wow our man Kramer here really does have a sculpted body.
Elaine: Even the photographer commented on him.
Jerry: Has Kramer seen it yet.
Elaine: No he ran to Jackies office right from the shoot.
Kramer enters in his usual way still wearing the winter wonder pants a naval hat and smoking a cigar.
Kramer: Hey buddy.
Jerry: Oh no Kramer you didn't blow the settlement.
Kramer: Quite the contrary, not only am I an honorary Admiral in the Great White fishing boat fleet, I was given a 60% discount card on all future purchase for my entire life.
Jerry: But no money.
Kramer: I was also handed a check, for two hundred thousand dollars!
Elaine: GET OUT!
Elaine push's Kramer who falls down.
Jerry: Two hundred thou.
Kramer: Two hundred thou.
Jerry: That's unbelievable. What are you going to do with the money.
Kramer: Oh I spent it already.
Jerry: How the hell could you spend two hundred thousand dollars in two hours.
Kramer: I bought the original Bat Mobile.
Jerry: The original Bat Mobile. Why.
Kramer: It's part of American history Jerry.
Elaine: Kramer, you're an idiot.
Kramer: Idiot! I'm already booked for two parades one car dealership opening and Stewart Mendelbaums Bar Mitvah.
George comes in all disheveled, shirt ripped, glass's cracked, hair standing up, bite mark on his neck, holding what once was a baseball and is now just a ball of string.
Jerry: What happened to you?
George: You want to know what happened to me!
Jerry: No not really.
George: I went back to get my money, so I go in Fritz's apartment I tell him the ball's a fake, we get into a little argument I tell him I'm calling the cops, he then decides to give me a refund. I hand him the ball and he hands me back my cash. The money drops I go down to pick it up and my Yankee I.D. card falls out. Well, the crazy old man jumps me, tries to bite my neck.
Elaine: Oh my god.
George: I know, I'm in the fetal position cowering like I was back in high school. So I grab his beard stand up and run, I still have some of his hair in my fingernails.
Jerry: At least you got your money back
George looks at the table and sees the picture of Kramer in the Winter Wonder Pants.
George: What's this
Elaine: It's nothing.
George picks up the picture.
George: Winter Wonder Pants. Winter Wonder Pants! Hooooooo hooooooooo. George is getting angry.
Before Elaine can answer theirs a knock on the door, Jerry answers it. Standing there are two police officers.
Officer #1: Is there a George Costanza here?
George: That's me, what's the problem officers.
Officer #2: We're placing you under arrest for assault and battery.
They place the cuffs on him.
George: He attacked me first. Jerry help me. Kramer Call Jackie.
They take George out of the apartment. Jerry pauses for a moment then turns to Kramer.
Jerry: So Kramer let me take the Bat Mobile out for a spin.
****
Here's where the commercial would come in right before the last minute of the show.
****
Kramer is dressed in a Batman costume sitting behind the wheel of the bat mobile honking the horn.
Kramer: Come on Newman we're going to be late.
Newman comes running out from behind a bush dressed as Robin.
Newman: Sorry I had to go, Its not easy squeezing into this costume.
All of a sudden a lady yells.
Lady: Help, Stop thief, that man just stole my purse.
Kramer: Which man?
Lady: The one wearing the Winter Wonder Pants.
Kramer: Hold on old Chum.
Kramer looks over at Newman then guns the engine.
The End
Ted Williams
Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the couch, Jerry is on the phone.
Jerry: Yes, I'll be there in an hour. Ok, Yes, Yes, I understand.
He hangs up
Elaine: What was that all about.
Jerry: Oh George wants to buy his father a signed Ted Williams baseball.
Elaine: What for.
Jerry: You know I didn't ask but I'm sure there is something in it for George.
Elaine: It must be setting him back a few pennies.
Jerry: A few pennies. Does any one even use penny's any more.
Elaine: I do as book marks.
Jerry: I'm sure Abe Lincoln would be proud to know that his face graces the inside of your Cosmopolitan magazines.
Elaine: Well right now his face is between, Cameron Diaz's Breasts and Jennifer Lopez's ass.
Jerry pauses and tilts his head.
Jerry: Any way a manger at a comedy club told me up about this guy. Get this his name is Fritz Bingle.
Elaine: Fritz Bingle, what is that some sort of joke.
Jerry: I know you don't see many people named Fritz anymore.
Kramer bursts through the door carrying two big shopping bags.
Kramer: Jerry, I just came from the new dollar store on the corner, Wow Everything's a Dollar. And you know what everything's a dollar.
Jerry: The name didn't give it away.
Elaine stands up and walks over to the bags Kramer is holding.
Elaine: What'd you get.
Kramer: I got lots of good stuff, tuna two cans for a dollar got eight cans. A pack of twenty lighters one dollar. Candles, candy, bread, a few statues, wrapping paper, 500 hundred feet of tinfoil.
Jerry: That'll come in handy.
Kramer: Jerry, you know what I'm going do to with the tin foil put it on all my walls like wallpaper.
Jerry: Should I even ask why?
Kramer: To make sure the government isn't spying on me. You know they spy on us every day and night. They know what we watch, what we eat, who we talk to, they even know what we do when we're alone in our beds.
Elaine: Sleep.
Kramer: Maybe for you.
Elaine takes one of the cans of tuna out of the shopping bags.
Elaine: Kramer this tuna expired two years ago, no wonder it's so cheap.
Kramer: That's what I thought but the guy who works there said they were just miss-printed, he said they are just perfect.
Jerry: And you just take his word for it.
Kramer: Of course, he represesnts a major American corporation, those guys don't lie. Know do you have a can opener because I feel like some tuna.
Kramer walks into the kitchen and shuffles trough some draws until he finds the can opener. He proceeds to open the can of tuna, then takes a big fork full and eats it.
Kramer: OH MAMA that's bad, tastes like rotten fish.
Elaine walks over and looks in the open can.
Elaine: You know Kramer there's little black bugs enjoying your lunch also.
Kramer: OH, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Kramer runs to Jerry's bathroom and throws up.
Jerry: That's lovely.
In The bathroom they hear Kramer throwing up and coughing.
Elaine: Think he'll be ok.
Jerry: I don't think he's found his kryptonite yet.
Elaine: Except work.
The buzzer goes off.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: It's George.
Jerry press's the button and opens his door. Kramer walks out of the bathroom, all disheveled, he sees Jerry getting ready to throw the tuna in the garbage.
Kramer: Jerry, stop! That's evidence, I'm going to sue "Wow Everything's a Dollar", I'm calling Jackie.
Kramer is getting ready to leave the apartment holding the open can of Tuna, as he's just about to exit George walks in.
George: Kramer what's in the bags, and why does it smell like rotten fish in here.
Kramer: That's the smell of a big fat settlement.
Jerry: Our man Kramer here has just discovered that two year old tuna isn't really that good to eat.
George: Yeah. Any way Jerry, did you make arrangements to get the ball.
Jerry: Yes, I said we would pick up in an hour. The one thing though when we get there don't tell him you work for the Yankees.
George: Why.
Jerry: Well, I found out he made a very substantial bet on the game where Bucky Dent hit the Homerun and ever since then he has hated everything to do with the Yankees. Supposedly he lost everything.
George: What do you mean everything.
Jerry: I mean, he lost all his money, his wife, kids, house, dog, car everything.
George: No problem, I can always pass my self off as an architect.
Jerry: Yeah you know George, I think its time to make up a new occupation to lie about.
George: Jerry, my whole life is based on lies and this one lie is the basis of so much in my life.
Jerry: Well be something else, ok.
George: Fine.
Elaine: Tell George the guys name.
Jerry: Fritz Bingle.
Elaine: That's almost as funny Art Vandelay
Jerry: Almost.
George: Fritz Bingle you know it sounds like Chris Kringle, you think it's really Santa in disguise.
Jerry: Yeah George, Santa pass's him self off between Christmas's as a lunatic selling autographed Ted Williams baseballs.
George: It's possible.
Jerry: Just don't mention you work for the Yankee's the guy's a little out there.
George: I'll try.
Elaine: Look I'm out of here, Peterman wants me come up with a name for a new product for the fall catalog.
Jerry: What is it.
Elaine: Goose down filled pants.
Jerry: What like ski pants.
Elaine: No, like every day pants.
Jerry: Isn't that going to be a little bulky to walk in.
Elaine: I had a pair on last night it's like walking in a straight jacket for your legs.
Jerry: How is he still in business.
Elaine: Your telling me.
George: You should call them, "Winter Wonder Pants"
Elaine: Yeah George.
Elaine walks out of the apartment and stops in the hallway she takes out a pad and writes in it, Winter Wonder Pants.
Jerry: You ready, lets go and remember don't mention you work for the Yankee's.
George: Fine. George doesn't like this.
George and Jerry leave apartment.
****
Inside Jackies office, Jackie is on the phone.
Jackie: Yes, send him to Dr. Johnson on 86th street, and make him walk there it should really aggravate his leg. Slam Dunk.
Jackie's secretary walks in.
Madge: Mr. Childs there is a Cosmo Kramer outside to see you .
Jackie: Tell him to leave, I don't want to see him.
Kramer sticks his head in.
Kramer: Jackie! Come on I need your help!
Jackie: Kramer do you know how many cases your stupidity lost for me.
Kramer: I think I have a case against Wow Everything's a Dollar stores.
Jackie: The same Wow Everything's a Dollar Store, that's the biggest dollar store in the country, sales in the billions, stock dividends.
Kramer: Yeah Jackie them.
Jackie: Come in sit down. That'll be all Madge.
Kramer sits in a chair opposite Jackie.
Jackie: What happened.
Kramer: I bought some tuna fish that had expired two years ago and the guy said it was fine because the date was misprinted.
Jackie: What brand of tuna.
Kramer: Great White.
Jackie: White or light.
Kramer: White.
Jackie: Oil or water.
Kramer: Water.
Jackie: Then you ate some and got sick, causing you a fear of not only tuna but all foods that come in cans along with a fear and distrust of all store employee's
Kramer: Yes, exactly!
Jackie: Do you still have the evidence.
Kramer pulls out a can of opened tuna from his pocket sealed in a Tupperware.
Kramer: Here's the can I ate from.
He opens the lid and the smell overtakes the room.
Jackie: Close it, close it. You ate that, there's bugs in there.
Kramer: I know, I ate bugs. I can feel them crawling all up in me.
Jackie: How do you feel now.
Kramer: Nauseous, crampy, not good.
Jackie: Excellent, I might have you eat some more of the tuna, you know just for effect.
Kramer: What ever you think Jackie.
Jackie picks up his phone.
Jackie: Madge, call Doctor Leeman at JT Labs I need some tuna analyzed. Also get some one from the Bronx Zoo on the line I want him to tell me what kind of bugs Mr. Kramer ingested and if it's life threatening?
Kramer: Life threatening, Oh Mama.
Jackie: You never know, if you die we could be looking at millions.
Kramer gives the thumb up to Jackie and then runs out of his office to the bathroom.
****
Elaine is sitting at her desk starring at the white goose down pants when Peterman walks in.
Peterman: Well Elaine have you come up with a name and paragraph for these goose down filled pants.
Elaine: I think so. (Elaine looks at the pad on her desk and all that's written is Winter Wonder Pants)
Winter Wonder Pants, they are big, warm and wonderful to wear. It's
like wearing your comforter on your legs. When you take that journey
in the dead of winter why not wear some pants that are 100% goose down.
After a pause of a few seconds.
Peterman: Elaine, that is superb, outstanding put it to print.
Elaine: Ok (saying very hesitantly)
Peterman: Elaine some times you just floor me, know get a model and let's get it in our new catalog.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, that's going to print in two days.
Peterman: That's why you better get started right away.
Elaine: But sir.
Peterman: Please Elaine lets not spoil this moment. Know I have to leave I'm meeting a man from Sri Lanka, whose looking to sell his inventory of ascot's. Oh the ascot, I remember It was 1976 the old ladies two hundredth birthday, I was strolling down Fifth Ave wearing my stars and stripes 100 % polyester leisure suit on my way to Studio 54. I had purchased that suit it in a small store in San Francisco. I felt a cool breeze hit my neck, so I pulled out my maroon, 100% Chinese silk ascot and nipped that breeze right in the but.
Peterman leaves, Elaine is sitting there amazed he liked the idea.
Elaine: (To her self) Know where am I going to get a model.
****
Jerry and George are standing out side an apartment door, George knocks.
George: Are you sure he said he was going to be here. (George knocks again)
Jerry: yeah.
The door opens and standing there is an over weight man in his fifties with white hair and a long white beard. George leans in to whisper to Jerry.
George: I could have just asked him to bring it to me on Christmas.
Jerry snickers.
Fritz: What do you want!
Jerry: Fritz it's Jerry Seinfeld I'm here to get the ball, remember we spoke on the phone.
Fritz: Seinfeld no relation to Ed Seinfeld The Yankee's Janitor from 1968 to 1978.
Jerry: No, no janitors in my family.
Fritz: Who's this guy.
George: Hi I'm George.
Fritz: You work for the Yankee's, they have a guy their his name is George Costanza some sort of assistant in the front office. I saw his picture you look a lot like him, beady eyes, bald.
George: Balding, not bald! And no, it's George .. VanDelay, I'm (Jerry looks at George and opens his eyes wide) a Doctor, work over at Mt Sinai.
Fritz: What kind of Doctor, you don't look like a Doctor.
George: I'm a gynecologist.
Fritz: You don't look like a gynecologist, more like an architect.
George gives Jerry a snide look.
George: That's was my first choice but my father always wanted me to be a doctor.
Jerry: Anyway do you have the ball.
Fritz: Yeah, yeah I have it.
George: Wow a Ted Williams signed ball. Is my father going to be surprised, you know Ted Williams was his favorite player.
Jerry: I'm surprised your dad actually likes baseball, I always took him for the wrestling or roller derby fan.
Fritz hands George the ball and George in return hands him cash.
George: How do I know this is authentic and not some forgery.
Fritz: Are you calling me a thief Doc!
George: No, just a simple question no need to get upset.
Fritz: It's real (Fritz walks over to a wall and takes down photo showing him and Ted Williams).
Jerry: You satisfied. Can we leave know I think you have a pap smear scheduled for 2pm Doctor.
The two leave the apartment.
Jerry: Why are you getting this for your father, you're not the giving type.
George: Well, I just wanted to give him something, to show him some appreciation for being my dad.
Jerry: Georgy.
George: Ok, ok, you see I figure if I keep the ball I'll just sell it in a few days or lose it. Well if I give it to my dad he'll hold it till he dies then I take it back and sell it for like two or three times the amount I paid.
Jerry: So in other words your investing in your dads death. Why not just take out an insurance policy on him.
George: You don't think I did that already. So long as he doesn't commit suicide I'll be a very rich man and it'll be George's time baby!
Jerry: You never cease to amaze me.
George goes back with Jerry to his apartment.
George: So you want to go see a movie.
Jerry: No I cant I have a date.
George: With who.
Jerry: The spitter, Lisa.
George: Oh yeah, every time she says words with the letter P in it she spits.
Jerry: Yeah, I'm going to break it off with her tonight.
George: Why.
Jerry: Lets put it this way last night we went to an Italian restaurant she ordered the pasta with pesto sauce and aside of spinach. There was so much spit coming out people thought they were ring side at a Mike Tyson fight. Then we go back to her place and were on the couch she whispers in my ear that she had on pink panties.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Well the spitting then didn't really bother me. But it's like dating old faithful.
George: Well I'm going to get a nice box for this ball then go give it to my dad. Besides he just had a stress test today so I want to see if I'm any closer to my investment maturity date.
As George is about to leave Kramer walks in.
Kramer: Hey buddy.
Jerry: How's the case going.
Kramer: Jackie says it's a slam dunk.
Jerry: I can't believe he's actually representing you after the other times you blew it for him.
Kramer: Yeah well, we cant loose, I have the bad tuna, the doctors report and two witness's who saw me eat it, you and Elaine.
Jerry: Oh yeah slam dunk, the minute they offer you a 50% discount on all items purchased in there stores you'll fold like a deck of cards. Or maybe if you hold out they can get you an honorary Admiralship on all the Great White Tuna fishing boats.
Kramer: Admiral Cosmo Kramer! I like the way it sounds.
Jerry: See.
Kramer: Well not this time.
George: You know what, I'm leaving .
Kramer: What do you have there George.
George: It's a Ted Williams autographed baseball for my dad.
Kramer: Let me see that.
George: Be careful it wasn't cheap.
Kramer: Yeah this is a fake.
George: How can you tell.
Kramer: It's simple Ted Williams always made the cross on the T extend over his whole name.
Jerry: And you know this because.
Kramer: Jerry, I used to be a big collector of sports memorabilia.
Jerry: Oh yeah, it consisted four Steve Balboni baseball cards.
Kramer: Signed Steve Balboni cards, which I sold for a substantial profit.
Jerry: You sold them to the ten-year-old down stairs for a pack of gum and a stamp from Lithuania.
Kramer: I'm telling you this is a fake.
He sees Newman walking by.
Kramer: Newman come in here.
Newman: Hello Jerry.
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Kramer: Look at this.
Newman: Yeah it's a fake Ted Williams signed ball.
George: Are you sure Newman.
Newman: Don't question me Costanza, I know all your dirty laundry.
George: Yeah like there's some one in NY who doesn't know my dirty laundry, I don't think so.
Newman: Good Point. Ted Williams always extended the cross on his T over his whole name.
Kramer: Thanks Buddy.
Jerry: Your going to take Newman's word for it.
George: I knew it was to good to be true.
Kramer: Just take it back, what's the big deal.
Newman: Yeah Costanza what's the big deal.
George: The big deal is the guy's a nut.
Newman: Does he look like Santa Clause, last name is Bingle.
Jerry: Yeah how'd you know.
Newman: He used to be a postal carrier, had the upper West Side, sold forged sports memorabilia on the side.
George: Great so you know him lets go get my money back.
Newman: No way. When I was rookie he was my trainer. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a cool autumn day, we were walking up 6th Ave, he's listening to the Yankee game, next thing I know Dent hits the homerun and he jumps on me and bites my neck. Even for a mail carrier he's nuts. To this day I can't watch that highlight without having flashbacks.
Jerry: Cant be that bad of a guy.
Newman: Forget it, even a Postal Employee has his limits.
Kramer: Thanks Newman.
He slaps him on the back.
George: Just great, George always gets screwed. Not this time baby, I'm going back there and getting my money.
George goes running out of the apartment holding the ball.
Elaine walks in.
Elaine: What's that all about.
Jerry: About 230 pounds of failure.
Elaine: Listen Kramer, you did some modeling for Calvin Klein.
Kramer: Oh yeah, I still get comments on how nice my buttocks are.
Elaine: Yeah, how would you like to be in the new J. Peterman catalog modeling some goose down pants.
Kramer: Can I keep the pants.
Elaine: I guess.
Kramer: Giddyup. When do we shoot.
Elaine: Tomorrow at 12 noon.
Kramer: But we have to be done by 2:30 I have a meeting with the Wow Every Things a Dollar people and Jackie at three to discuss my settlement.
Elaine: Just be at this address at 12.
Jerry: Hey, how come you didn't ask me.
Kramer: Jerry, come on know! Your not model material your all flabby and hanging, me on the other hand I'm the perfect example of a sculpted male body (posing).
Jerry: Good luck Elaine.
Elaine: Oh one thing the name of the product is The Winter Wonder Pants.
Jerry: That's George's idea. Did you tell him you went with his idea? You know he's going to want to be paid for the idea.
Elaine: No and either are you or you (pointing at the two of them).
Jerry: Like he's not going to find out.
Elaine: George look at the Peterman catalog, Ha. The same George who buys his clothes from the kids department off the husky rack.
Jerry: Good point.
Kramer: Jerry, look at my back it feels like something is crawling on me.
Kramer lifts his shirt and turns around, Jerry takes a look.
Jerry: I don't see anything.
Kramer: It's those bugs there all inside me multiplying. Eating me alive from the inside out. It's like that movie Alien, one day some huge bug is going to explode out of my stomach.
Jerry: You're crazy.
Kramer: I'm calling Jackie to see if they figured out what type of bugs they are.
Jerry: Believe me Kramer if you do have any bugs inside you there probably mooching off the ones already there.
****
Jerry is siting at a restaurant across from Lisa the spitter.
Jerry: So what are you going to order.
Lisa. I think the sautéed Perch with mashed Potatoes and asParagus.
Jerry wipes his face.
Jerry: It figures.
Lisa. And for desert the Peach Pie.
Jerry watches as a spitball goes into his water.
Jerry: Yeah you know what I'm out a here.
Lisa: Jerry where are you going.
Jerry: To get a rain coat and umbrella.
Lisa: What's that mean.
Jerry: It means every time you say a word with the Letter P in it you spit on me!
Lisa: It didn't bother you when I said I was wearing Pink Panties.
Jerry pauses for a moment.
Jerry: Are you wearing pink panties now.
Lisa: No, PurPle Panties.
Jerry pauses for a moment.
Jerry: ALRIGHT, I'll stay.
Jerry wipes his face
****
A photographer is taking Kramer's picture while wearing the Winter Wonder Pants, Elaine is watching from behind the photographer.
Photog: Work it Kramer, work it.
Kramer is posing in all different positions, it looks as if he is wearing pillows for pants. He keeps tripping over his legs.
Photog: That's it, that's the one hold it hold it.
Kramer falls over knocking the lights down with him. He sees it's two thirty.
Kramer: I got to go.
Kramer runs out of the studio, in the pants.
Elaine: Did you get a good one.
Photog: Yes. You know his buttocks are incredible.
****
Kramer stumbles in to Jackie's office all out of breathe wearing the Winter wonder Pants. Sitting around a table are Jackie, and two lawyers representing the Dollar store.
Jackie: Kramer are you all right.
Kramer: Yeah, Yeah I was just doing a modeling gig for J. Peterman.
Jackie: Mr. Thompson, Mr. Jared this is Cosmo Kramer, the gentlemen who was severally food poisoned by one of the products you have for sale.
Kramer: I ate bugs. And I can feel them crawling inside me.
Mr. Thompson: I love the J. Peterman catalog, I just bought the urban sombrero. Are those a new product.
Kramer: Yes, I believe they are going to be in the new catalog.
Thompson: What are they called.
Kramer: The winter wonder pants, because they're a wonder.
Kramer leans into Jackie and whispers.
Kramer: Any one can walk in them
Jackie: Can we get down to business, I have a man who is severely traumatized, suffered unneeded intestinal distress, and has an ant farm growing in his stomach, from a can of tainted tuna purchased at your store.
Mr. Jared: Ok, we're ready to settle this out of court for.
Kramer was about to speak when Jackie stepped on his foot.
Kramer: Owwwwwwwwww.
Jared: for one hundred fifty thousand dollars, a fifty percent off discount on all purchases at any of our stores for the rest of your life.
Jackie: The man ate bugs, a bug that three insect experts couldn't recognize, their probably eating away at his stomach lining right know. Is there any justice, should we just go to trial and make sure all of America knows that your store sells expired food.
Thompson: Two hundred thousand and 60% off final offer.
Kramer leans into Jackie and whispers in his ear.
Jackie: Mr. Kramer would also like to be an honorary Admiral for the Great White tuna fishing boat fleet.
Thompson: I don't see why not.
Thompson and Jared leave the office. Kramer and Jackie shake hands.
Jackie: Slam Dunk.
Kramer: They didn't know what kind of bugs I ate, I knew it, its just a matter of time before it pops out my stomach.
Jackie: Kramer those bugs you ate where harmless.
Kramer: Anchors away.
****
Jerry's apartment, Jerry is watching TV when the buzzer goes off.
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: It's Elaine.
Jerry press's the button opens the door. Elaine walks in after a few seconds.
Elaine: Jerome.
Jerry: Lanie. So how did the big shoot go.
Elaine: I got to tell you Jerry, Kramer worked out just great. Here I have the picture right here.
Elaine takes out a big envelope and hands Jerry the picture in it.
Jerry: Wow our man Kramer here really does have a sculpted body.
Elaine: Even the photographer commented on him.
Jerry: Has Kramer seen it yet.
Elaine: No he ran to Jackies office right from the shoot.
Kramer enters in his usual way still wearing the winter wonder pants a naval hat and smoking a cigar.
Kramer: Hey buddy.
Jerry: Oh no Kramer you didn't blow the settlement.
Kramer: Quite the contrary, not only am I an honorary Admiral in the Great White fishing boat fleet, I was given a 60% discount card on all future purchase for my entire life.
Jerry: But no money.
Kramer: I was also handed a check, for two hundred thousand dollars!
Elaine: GET OUT!
Elaine push's Kramer who falls down.
Jerry: Two hundred thou.
Kramer: Two hundred thou.
Jerry: That's unbelievable. What are you going to do with the money.
Kramer: Oh I spent it already.
Jerry: How the hell could you spend two hundred thousand dollars in two hours.
Kramer: I bought the original Bat Mobile.
Jerry: The original Bat Mobile. Why.
Kramer: It's part of American history Jerry.
Elaine: Kramer, you're an idiot.
Kramer: Idiot! I'm already booked for two parades one car dealership opening and Stewart Mendelbaums Bar Mitvah.
George comes in all disheveled, shirt ripped, glass's cracked, hair standing up, bite mark on his neck, holding what once was a baseball and is now just a ball of string.
Jerry: What happened to you?
George: You want to know what happened to me!
Jerry: No not really.
George: I went back to get my money, so I go in Fritz's apartment I tell him the ball's a fake, we get into a little argument I tell him I'm calling the cops, he then decides to give me a refund. I hand him the ball and he hands me back my cash. The money drops I go down to pick it up and my Yankee I.D. card falls out. Well, the crazy old man jumps me, tries to bite my neck.
Elaine: Oh my god.
George: I know, I'm in the fetal position cowering like I was back in high school. So I grab his beard stand up and run, I still have some of his hair in my fingernails.
Jerry: At least you got your money back
George looks at the table and sees the picture of Kramer in the Winter Wonder Pants.
George: What's this
Elaine: It's nothing.
George picks up the picture.
George: Winter Wonder Pants. Winter Wonder Pants! Hooooooo hooooooooo. George is getting angry.
Before Elaine can answer theirs a knock on the door, Jerry answers it. Standing there are two police officers.
Officer #1: Is there a George Costanza here?
George: That's me, what's the problem officers.
Officer #2: We're placing you under arrest for assault and battery.
They place the cuffs on him.
George: He attacked me first. Jerry help me. Kramer Call Jackie.
They take George out of the apartment. Jerry pauses for a moment then turns to Kramer.
Jerry: So Kramer let me take the Bat Mobile out for a spin.
****
Here's where the commercial would come in right before the last minute of the show.
****
Kramer is dressed in a Batman costume sitting behind the wheel of the bat mobile honking the horn.
Kramer: Come on Newman we're going to be late.
Newman comes running out from behind a bush dressed as Robin.
Newman: Sorry I had to go, Its not easy squeezing into this costume.
All of a sudden a lady yells.
Lady: Help, Stop thief, that man just stole my purse.
Kramer: Which man?
Lady: The one wearing the Winter Wonder Pants.
Kramer: Hold on old Chum.
Kramer looks over at Newman then guns the engine.
The End