Ch. 13: Desperado
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow
Don' you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get
Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone
Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're loosin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late
(Start Music Background: Eagles-Desperado)
"You know, Shinji, if you had any serious problem to deal with, I would have thought that you'd go to Touji or Kensuke first."
"Yes, but they've just been inducted into the band. They don't understand the importance of this like we do. I don't even know if they'll fit on stage."
"True. But what about Rei? Isn't she your best friend?"
"I already talked to her."
"Oh."
"I just want to know," Shinji said as both he and Asuka made their way down the straight neighborhood sidewalks, "If you think what Misato did recently was for the best. I know that to create production quality music, we need a huge technical team, not to mention keyboards, organs, back-up guitars, two percussionists, and a rapper. But…" he paused. "Why split the money with so many people? And why Gendo?"
"Well, you may not like it when I say this, but Misato believes that you need a chance to make things up with Gendo. She told me not to tell you that, but, for your own sake, I…just hope you'll learn to put a little more trust in your father. It's, something I wish…well, you know about my Mother, don't you, Shinji?"
"No. You've…never talked about her."
Asuka turned her face so Shinji couldn't see the look of anguish that crossed it.
"When I was young, I thought my Mother was the nicest mom I could ever have. She always had this-grace, this kindness-something I couldn't pinpoint, but it was there. I could count on her. And…you know, I've been thinking a lot about this lately, but there are people you meet who can grow closer than family. I don't believe that blood runs thicker than water. Misato, for example. I love her. She's not nice in the way my mom was. She's so clumsy. And dirty. My mother was… immaculate. But when I was five, she went crazy. She stopped talking to me, talked to some sort of doll. She-that doll-looked EXACTLY like Rei. I guess that's why I have some sort of subconscious grudge against her, even though she never did anything to me, really. But I can't forgive my mom. She loved me, but…she…she…never gave me a chance to show her who I really was. She never respected me. She didn't want me. At least not the real me. I was nothing more than an object to her."
Shinji couldn't speak. He never realized Asuka thought about these things. She was ordinarily so…happy, so dominating. To see her this weak, this revealing, at first disgusted him. Not the hate-disgust that people have for an enemy. Not even the disgust one has for someone incompetent or unfulfilled. He was disgusted with her for holding all this from him for so long, when she knew he was always there to listen. She had waited until she thought he was comfortable enough, open enough to talk about her mom and his dad. She had made herself suffer for this long, all because she was afraid of what he'd think. It was her cowardice. That she loved herself that little-it sickened him. SHE had always been the one to yell at him. He'd always accepted her-but after a full year of living together, she didn't even have the guts to tell him what she really thought. And she knew that.
"Shinji…look at me. I…you know that we've known each other for so long.
Am I…nothing more than an object to you?"
Shinji found himself unable to look into her face. Perhaps he was afraid of what he'd find there. This can't be her, he kept thinking. This is just a dream. A stupid dream where she'll yell at me suddenly for no reason and then toss me in somebody's yard, and then great big bull-dog will come charging at me, biting my head off.
"Shinji! Tell me. Please."
Shinji couldn't open his mouth. He simply stared at the side-walk, the lines slowly passing them by. They walked like this for minutes. She kept peering up at his face, but, somehow, she didn't find anything.
Shinji was burning. He tried to focus on the lines in the sidewalk. This…this couldn't be. Why couldn't he say anything?
After having felt so disgusted with her, so incensed, he could not deny a burning sense of shame at his own hypocrisy. After all he had gone through with her, he couldn't dishonor her by walking away the very moment she reached out for him. He mustered every sliver of courage in his soul to move his hand through the air, past her nearest shoulder, over to her other side, and settle it on her other shoulder.
She shuddered for a moment, but she continued walking, and slowly she leaned her head until her cheek rested on his shoulder.
They walked this way for a long while, but neither knew how long.
Neither spoke; they walked on and on, mouths closed, dreaming.
At the edge of Tokyo 3, they stood watching the sunset.
"Asuka, don't you think it's a little late?"
Asuka looked wistful.
"Never too late for love," she mumbled.
"I-what'd you just say?"
She clasped his face in her hands.
"Shinji, I… I need you. And I always want to be with you. No matter what you do or where you go. And even if I do get mad at you, or if you fail me, I'll love you. I don't care who you become. I love you, because…of you."
She looked into his blue eyes, penetrating them, burrowing into his soul. Her eyes are also blue, he thought. Perhaps cool like the stars at night, but as bright as the sun. He couldn't imagine anything more lovely.
He didn't remember how they got home. But it was dark outside by the time Misato parted the curtains to reveal two children walking up the driveway.
She didn't bother to scold them. She'd never seen them this peaceful. They didn't say a word to each other was they climbed the stairs, their shadows falling down all the way to the kitchen floor.
Misato looked at their long-gone shadows longingly.
"Good-bye, Desperado," she whispered.
Rei was in the corner, watching the ambers fall from the fire. She didn't know what to tell them. Shinji nodded to her. She gave no indication that'd she'd noticed him.
Asuka tugged at his shoulder, and they went to their separate rooms to sleep, but neither one dreamed. Perhaps they didn't need to. The sunset was the most beautiful they'd ever seen.
*Lyrics for "Desperado" were taken from Leoslyrics.com*
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow
Don' you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get
Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone
Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're loosin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late
(Start Music Background: Eagles-Desperado)
"You know, Shinji, if you had any serious problem to deal with, I would have thought that you'd go to Touji or Kensuke first."
"Yes, but they've just been inducted into the band. They don't understand the importance of this like we do. I don't even know if they'll fit on stage."
"True. But what about Rei? Isn't she your best friend?"
"I already talked to her."
"Oh."
"I just want to know," Shinji said as both he and Asuka made their way down the straight neighborhood sidewalks, "If you think what Misato did recently was for the best. I know that to create production quality music, we need a huge technical team, not to mention keyboards, organs, back-up guitars, two percussionists, and a rapper. But…" he paused. "Why split the money with so many people? And why Gendo?"
"Well, you may not like it when I say this, but Misato believes that you need a chance to make things up with Gendo. She told me not to tell you that, but, for your own sake, I…just hope you'll learn to put a little more trust in your father. It's, something I wish…well, you know about my Mother, don't you, Shinji?"
"No. You've…never talked about her."
Asuka turned her face so Shinji couldn't see the look of anguish that crossed it.
"When I was young, I thought my Mother was the nicest mom I could ever have. She always had this-grace, this kindness-something I couldn't pinpoint, but it was there. I could count on her. And…you know, I've been thinking a lot about this lately, but there are people you meet who can grow closer than family. I don't believe that blood runs thicker than water. Misato, for example. I love her. She's not nice in the way my mom was. She's so clumsy. And dirty. My mother was… immaculate. But when I was five, she went crazy. She stopped talking to me, talked to some sort of doll. She-that doll-looked EXACTLY like Rei. I guess that's why I have some sort of subconscious grudge against her, even though she never did anything to me, really. But I can't forgive my mom. She loved me, but…she…she…never gave me a chance to show her who I really was. She never respected me. She didn't want me. At least not the real me. I was nothing more than an object to her."
Shinji couldn't speak. He never realized Asuka thought about these things. She was ordinarily so…happy, so dominating. To see her this weak, this revealing, at first disgusted him. Not the hate-disgust that people have for an enemy. Not even the disgust one has for someone incompetent or unfulfilled. He was disgusted with her for holding all this from him for so long, when she knew he was always there to listen. She had waited until she thought he was comfortable enough, open enough to talk about her mom and his dad. She had made herself suffer for this long, all because she was afraid of what he'd think. It was her cowardice. That she loved herself that little-it sickened him. SHE had always been the one to yell at him. He'd always accepted her-but after a full year of living together, she didn't even have the guts to tell him what she really thought. And she knew that.
"Shinji…look at me. I…you know that we've known each other for so long.
Am I…nothing more than an object to you?"
Shinji found himself unable to look into her face. Perhaps he was afraid of what he'd find there. This can't be her, he kept thinking. This is just a dream. A stupid dream where she'll yell at me suddenly for no reason and then toss me in somebody's yard, and then great big bull-dog will come charging at me, biting my head off.
"Shinji! Tell me. Please."
Shinji couldn't open his mouth. He simply stared at the side-walk, the lines slowly passing them by. They walked like this for minutes. She kept peering up at his face, but, somehow, she didn't find anything.
Shinji was burning. He tried to focus on the lines in the sidewalk. This…this couldn't be. Why couldn't he say anything?
After having felt so disgusted with her, so incensed, he could not deny a burning sense of shame at his own hypocrisy. After all he had gone through with her, he couldn't dishonor her by walking away the very moment she reached out for him. He mustered every sliver of courage in his soul to move his hand through the air, past her nearest shoulder, over to her other side, and settle it on her other shoulder.
She shuddered for a moment, but she continued walking, and slowly she leaned her head until her cheek rested on his shoulder.
They walked this way for a long while, but neither knew how long.
Neither spoke; they walked on and on, mouths closed, dreaming.
At the edge of Tokyo 3, they stood watching the sunset.
"Asuka, don't you think it's a little late?"
Asuka looked wistful.
"Never too late for love," she mumbled.
"I-what'd you just say?"
She clasped his face in her hands.
"Shinji, I… I need you. And I always want to be with you. No matter what you do or where you go. And even if I do get mad at you, or if you fail me, I'll love you. I don't care who you become. I love you, because…of you."
She looked into his blue eyes, penetrating them, burrowing into his soul. Her eyes are also blue, he thought. Perhaps cool like the stars at night, but as bright as the sun. He couldn't imagine anything more lovely.
He didn't remember how they got home. But it was dark outside by the time Misato parted the curtains to reveal two children walking up the driveway.
She didn't bother to scold them. She'd never seen them this peaceful. They didn't say a word to each other was they climbed the stairs, their shadows falling down all the way to the kitchen floor.
Misato looked at their long-gone shadows longingly.
"Good-bye, Desperado," she whispered.
Rei was in the corner, watching the ambers fall from the fire. She didn't know what to tell them. Shinji nodded to her. She gave no indication that'd she'd noticed him.
Asuka tugged at his shoulder, and they went to their separate rooms to sleep, but neither one dreamed. Perhaps they didn't need to. The sunset was the most beautiful they'd ever seen.
*Lyrics for "Desperado" were taken from Leoslyrics.com*