Author's Notes/Disclaimer: Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Season's Greetings, and any other winter holiday salutation you can think of. This is a gift to my sister as well as to all the Transformer fans out there. The original story (How the Grinch Stole Christmas), which I followed pretty closely, was written Dr. Seuss. No infringement or insult was meant, just a bit of holiday fun. Oh, subtitles I considered for this were: Yet Another Plan That Failed or A Tale to Make Prowl's Head Explode. Anyway, enjoy and have a lovely winter festival of choice. ^_^

How Megatron Stole Christmas

Every Autobot in the Ark liked Christmas a lot…

But Megatron, watching Laserbeak's findings, did NOT!

Megatron hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason. It could be his cannon didn't sit just right or maybe his head was screwed on just a little too tight. But I think the most likely reason of all may have been that his spark was two sizes too small.

(Starscream: A huge f*cking cannon on his arm and I'm the only one who notices he has compensation issues.)

For tomorrow, Megatron knew, all the Autobots would wake bright an early. They'd rush to Teletran-1 in a hurry. They'd see all the little presents and toys. And then, Soundwave cassettes would record all the noise. Oh, the Noise! That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

(Soundwave: Christmas recording. Unnecessary.)

Then the Autobots, from Ironhide to Bumblebee, would sit down to feast. And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! They would feast on energon-pudding and rare energon-beast. Which was something Megatron couldn't stand in the least.

And then they'd do something he liked the least of all. Every Autobot in the Ark, from the tall to the small, would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing. They'd stand hand-in-hand and the Autobots would start singing.

(Frenzy: Yeah, them lame, pansy-aft Backstreet Boy carols.
Rumble: And off key at that.)

They'd sing! And They'd sing! And They'd SING! SING! SING! SING! And the more Megatron thought of this Autobot Christmas-Sing, the more Megatron thought, "I must stop the whole thing!"

"Why, for five million point three years I've put up with it now! I must stop Christmas from coming… But how?"

Then he got an idea. An awful idea. Megatron got a wonderful, awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" Megatron laughed in his metal throat. And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and coat. And he chuckled and clucked, "What a great Decepticon trick! With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"

"All I need is some reindeer…" Megatron looked around. But, since reindeer are scarce, there were none to be found. Did that stop old Megatron? No! The Decepticon simply said, "If I can't find any reindeer, I'll make some instead!"

So he called his seekers in a breem: Skywarp, Thundercracker, and Starscream.

(Skywarp: Is he actually wearing a fake beard?
Thundercracker: Oh. Dear. Primus. Everyone, back away slowly.
Starscream: Forget the backing! Skywarp! Teleport us out of here immediately!)

Then he took some threads and tied horns on top of their heads. Hitched a sleigh to their backs, then loaded it up with some bags and old empty sacks.

Then Megatron said, "Giddap!" And the sleigh stared on - toward the spaceship where the Autobots lay in recharge 'til dawn.

The volcano was dark and quiet snow filled the night air. The Autobots were dreaming celluloid dreams with no care. "This is stop number one," Megatron hissed, whipping at Starscream with a flick of his wrist.

(Starscream: This gets more and more humiliating and degrading.)

Then he slid down the volcano cone; a rather tight fit for the 'Con. But, if Santa could do it, so could Megatron. He got stuck only once, grumbling and mumbling doom. Then he stuck his head out in the rumpus room where not-so-little Autobot stocking all hung in a row. "These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant, around the whole room, and he took every present! Laser guns! Grenades that stun! Games! Winter chains! Rocket packs! Roller wax! And paint and polish for Sunstreaker and Tracks!

Then he slunk to the lounge. He took the Autobot's feast. He took the energon-pudding! He took energon-beast. He cleaned out that lounge as quick as a flash. Why, Megatron took the last of their energon-hash!

Then he stuffed it all up the volcano with glee. "And now!" Grinned Megatron, "I will stuff up the tree!"

And Megatron grabbed the tree, and started to shove when he heard a small sound like the coo of a turbo-dove.

He turned around fast, and he saw a large Autobot! The leader of the army, Optiums Prime, who was taller than he thought.

Megatron had been caught by this large Autobot, who'd come looking for a cup of energon when got out of his cot. He stared at Megatron and said, "Santy Clause, why… why are you taking our Christmas tree?"

But, you know, that Megatron was so smart and slick. He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick. "Why, my sweet little Aubobot," the fake Santa lied, "There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side. So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear. I'll fix it up there and I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the Autobot leader. Then he patted Prime's head and got him a drink and he sent him to bed. Then when Optimus Prime when to bed with his cup, Megatron went to the volcano and stuffed the tree up! Then he went up the volcano cone, himself, the old liar. On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.

And the one bit of energon he left in the Ark, was a pool even too small for a metallic-aardvark.

(Skywarp: Aardvark?
Starscream: Why not? We have dammed turbo-foxes and retro-rats.
Thundercracker: Uh… I don't think we're supposed to be listening to the narration.)

It was a quarter past dawn… all the Autobots still a-bed, all the 'bots still a-snooze when he packed up his sled, packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings! The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up he flew with his load, up over the dormant St. Hillary he rode. "Pooh-Pooh to the Autobots!" he was decepticon-ly humming. "They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming! They're waking up. I know just what they'll do. Their mouths will hang open a minute or two, then each Autobot down in the Ark will all cry, a great lot."

"That's a noise," grinned Megatron, "that I simply must hear!" So he paused. And Megatron put a hand to his metaphoric ear. And he did hear a sound rising over the snow. It started low. Then it started to grow…

But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded glad.

Megatron wiped his optics and stared down in surprise, while Starscream and his jets let out a couple of sighs.

(Starscream: And here's where another brilliant plan unravels.)

Every Autobot in the Ark was singing, even Gears and Huffer. Despite the lack of presents they didn't seem to suffer.

He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming. It came. Somehow or other, it came just the same.

And Megatron, stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags." And he puzzled three hours, 'til his seekers could soar no more. Then Megatron thought something he hadn't before. "Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more."

And what happened then? Well… in the Ark they say that Megatron's small spark grew three sizes that day.

And the minute his spark didn't feel quite so slight, he whizzed with his load through the bright morning light, and brought back the toys and the energon for the feast. And he… Megatron himself… carved the energon-beast.

Optimus Prime: *coughs* I wasn't fooled for a moment!

Starscream: If I were leader of the Decepticons… Oh, never mind… *thud*
Thundercracker: Three hours flying in circles and he brings it all back.
Skywarp: My engines hurt…

Sunstreaker: I was not singing!
Sideswipe: Aw, c'mon bro, you know you like it. *thwap!* Ow…

Everyone: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!