I'll Stand By You
Author: Me of course, Emily :D
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, I also do not own the lines in the scene, they were not written by me. I do this simply for pleasure and make no money what so ever. The song "I'll Stand By You" is written by The Pretenders, and I also don't own that.
Summary: Sleepless in Chicago, Carol's POV.
A/N: Okay, I know many of you are Carter/Abby fanatics, but lets go back to Doug and Carol just for a moment. They give me faith in JC/AL, so please, just give my fic a try! I swear, I fell in love with them, you will too! The chemistry between the two of them is like a science experiment about to explode! I would recommend watching some re-runs on TNT of early seasons if you haven't yet, you'll find out what I mean. No spoilers unless you haven't seen season one, which I would assume most of you have :D
***
Mindlessly walking, my heart throbbed. How was it possible that I couldn't adopt her, I loved Tatiana, shouldn't that be enough? It was moments like these where I wish that I had succeeded in the suicide, or that I had not done it at all.
The cement pathways seemed to go on forever. The cold bit my face and dug into my skin as if it were millions of sharp knives. Tears that had emerged as I walked seemed to freeze in their spot. There was no luminous moon in the sky tonight, for the dark clouds overshadowed it. I came upon a familiar meeting of two streets. As I stood on the corner, I stared up at the apartment building that lay before my eyes, watching and looking for a particular window and any sign of life inside of it. I saw none, so slowly and cautiously; I walked up the steps and inside the building.
The door stared me in the face as I debated whether or not I should attempt to knock. I knew he would take me in, ask no questions, and fill me with the sweet love that I was in need of, something no other person could fulfill. His tenderness would get me through; I needed the softness of his skin to brush against mine one last time.
I quietly knocked on the door. "Please be alone tonight."
I continued the rapid soft knocking and heard a few grunts and him stumbling a bit, but my hand sustained with the motion. The doorknob twisted and I came face to face with him. His expression was surprised, but warming.
"Hi," I said almost silently.
"Carol." He stated quietly. I think he was trying to figure out if this was reality or a dream.
I paused for a moment, but quickly regained my confidence, asking, "Can I come in?"
Gesturing to move inside he said, "Yeah sure, come on in."
I had been holding on to everything and I needed to spill all the emotions that had been building up. I couldn't think of anyone else who would understand, he just, knew. "I lost her, I've been in therapy, I've worked hard for nine months and it doesn't matter, all they care about is that I took some pills." I managed to spit all this out while walking in, with him trailing behind. I looked up for a brief moment to see he looked a little dazed and confused.
"Who?"
"Miss Brown, foster care." I said disgusted. I felt like a reject, my hopes were so high and I never saw a barrier in the way. The crashing of everything I had worked for startled and confused me; it hit me before I had a clue what was even coming. And now it was all settling in, the reality that once again, I had screwed up and I would have to look at all the faces.
The faces that had pity and so called 'sympathy,' but no one truly realized the amount of pain that had been inflicted upon me. All the faceless people that gave their regrets to me, only one stood out, and he was standing in front of me.
"Tatiana?" he questioned, he was still perplexed at what was happening.
I nodded my head, almost in disgrace, and tears sprung out of their hiding spot and appeared for a second time that night. "They won't let me have her."
He could tell I was trying to fight the water that was about to come cascading down my face, he just knew. Soothingly, he took his hands and placed them on my arms, gently moving them up and down, sending chills through my body. The electricity that was always present between us had ignited once more. "Oh Carol." He said genuinely, he felt the pain inside of me.
And finally, everything let out of me. I couldn't hold it back anymore; I felt the huge drops dribble down my face and I quickly wiped them away. "It's like I'm defective or something."
"No, no, no." he said forcefully. He looked deeply inside me waiting for me to say more, he couldn't read my thoughts.
"I'm so… god, I'm kidding myself that I could do this, I'm so stupid." Words were just spilling out and I had no control, I didn't even know if I was making sense.
"You're as cold as ice." He slipped in, but I continued, my mind would not let me stop. It needed to release everything.
"You should have seen her Doug, she's only seven years old, when I tried to explain to her…" I was working myself into a frenzy, nothing seemed to get through to me, I could not comprehend anymore what was going on, but I felt his tender hands upon my hair and caress my face.
"Hey, hey, listen to me, it is not your fault, okay?" he looked at me with such an energy that I didn't have. He held the nurturing and compassion I needed and wanted right inside of his eyes. He was all I wanted.
I slowly began to regain a bit of composure, but my unwavering emotions, still so raw and bewildered, stayed at the surface. "I promised her I'd be there, and now I'm not gonna be there, god. Maybe… maybe…"
But he cut me off quickly and with forcefulness, he quietly and caringly said, "No, you were exactly what she needed."
I looked at him in amazement, how is it that this man who had pained and hurt me so much and yet still understood me this well. I always knew he recognized my emotions, but never before had he done it like this, why now Doug, why? But his face would not let me be upset with him. The angelic like appearance made me want him more. "You're the only person who thinks that." I stated.
Smiling at me, he simply replied, "I know you." And he did, while we communicated very little with words when we were together, he did know me. And that's what scared him I think, he didn't just know my body, he knew my mind too.
And I desired just for that night to lose myself completely in the sanctuary of his eyes where he could guide me to peace. Where if I fell, he would catch me. "Can I stay here?" I whispered quietly.
For a brief moment he looked intrigued, but quickly erased whatever thoughts he had. And to dismiss it and ask, "Has Tag heard yet?" took every effort inside his body. I knew he wanted me just as much I sought him, I wasn't ready to give up yet.
But there was another reality that began to set in. "Tag never wanted her." I whispered, barely audible for him to hear because I sank my head. But I tilted it back up and knew I had to feel the softness and warmth of his lips upon mine.
Sweetly, he held my head back and whispered, "Carol, don't."
"Please." But he knew what I was really saying, Don't make me beg Doug, give in, let us drown in our sorrows together.
Placing a gentle kiss on my forehead he delicately whispered, "Why don't I drive you home?"
I knew he was trying with every last bone in his body not to collapse into the trap that I had set, so I slowly nodded my head in acceptance, but the droplets of tears began to stain my face again, and soon I felt him pull me in close and hold my trembling body against his.
The realization of the situation was just beginning to dawn on, me. "Oh god." He held me delicately and gave me the comfort I was seeking, and whispered into my ear, "I know." His fingers ran through the mass of curls on my head, his body inhaled deeply while he rested his face inside my hair, and his one arm secured me closely inside of his body.
He held me closely, like I was his.
And for that moment, I was.
***
Tears are in your eyes,
Come on and come to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry,
Let me see you through,
'Cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you,
You don't know what to do.
Nothing you confess,
Could make me love you less.
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you.
I'll stand by you.
And when the night falls on you baby,
You're feelin' all alone,
You won't be on your own.
I'll stand by you.
***
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Thanks.
Also, sorry for any misspelled words or incorrect grammar!!