Title: Brown-Eyed Christmas
Rating: PG, to be safe.
Disclaimer. Don't own; don't sue.
Author's Note: The song "Christmas Through Your Eyes" by Gloria Estefan inspired this story, which is a Christmas present for all my fellow Snickers, especially my Golden Girls. You know who you are.
Last Christmas I wrote a story that was pure, 100%, no-questions-asked fluff. Well, all I can say is, this sure as hell ain't fluff!
~*~*~*~
Red and green Christmas lights flashed past her eyes as Sara maneuvered her dark blue Denali through the quiet streets of suburban Las Vegas. Inflatable snowmen, plastic reindeer, and electronic Santas stood proudly on her neighbors' lawns, and Sara cringed at the tacky decorations of a particular corner house. She was friendly with the couple that lived there alone, and although they were two sweet elderly people, they were famous for overdoing it on Christmas.
She pulled the SUV into the driveway of her house, the only one on the block completely void of holiday spirit. She just hadn't had the energy to pull out all the Christmas decorations that year. Actually, she hadn't had the energy for any of the traditional holiday preparations, and shopping for Danielle's presents alone had been a chore.
Christmas had always been Nick's favorite holiday. Her husband had been the one who got her into the holiday spirit. The one who hung the mistletoe in the doorway and demanded a kiss whenever she crossed the threshold. The one who forced her to go shopping on Black Friday and blasted Christmas music from December 1st until New Year's. The one who dressed up as Santa at their daughter's third Christmas.
Sara sighed as she grabbed the plastic bag from the passenger seat, the product of her final holiday shopping trip, and threw open the car door. She quickly ascended the steps to the front door and shoved the key in the lock, grateful for the welcoming blast of heat that washed over her as she walked into the family room and closed the door tightly behind her. She threw her keys on the end table and placed the bag on the top shelf of the hall closet before walking towards the red checked sofa and gently shaking the red-haired girl asleep on the couch.
She woke with a start and quickly sat up, her eyes darting around the room and taking in her surroundings, before sighing audibly and rubbing her eyes when she realized where she was.
"Hey, Mrs. Stokes," she greeted sleepily. "Did you get everything you needed?"
"Yeah, I think so," Sara replied. "Thanks for watching her, Mallory. How was she?"
"She was great," Mallory said through a yawn. "Like always. We watched Frosty."
Sara nodded and pulled her wallet from the purse slung on her shoulder. She peeled two twenty's from the wad of bills and handed it to the girl, who was standing and stretching her back. "Thanks again, Mal. You're a lifesaver."
Mallory stuffed the bills in her pocket and smiled at the older woman. "Don't mention it. I love watching Danielle."
"Do you need a ride home?" Sara asked.
Mallory shook her head. "No thanks. It's only two blocks; I can walk."
Sara raised an eyebrow at her. "You sure? It's freezing and it's late."
Mallory shook her head again with a smile. "I'll be fine, Mrs. Stokes. It'll get me ready for cross-country," she explained as she donned the jacket that was lying on the arm of the couch.
"Only if you're sure," Sara said cautiously.
"Positive. 'Night, Mrs. Stokes," she said as she headed for the door, wrapping a blue and white scarf around her neck as she went. "Tell Danielle I left my Frosty tape for her."
"I will," Sara promised. "Bye, Mal." Mallory waved and then she was gone, leaving Sara alone, the only sound that of the crackling fire as the embers burned bright orange through the dim light from the Christmas tree positioned in one corner of the room.
Sara shrugged off her jacket and hung it on the coat rack, next to the small blue one that belonged to her five-year old daughter. She slipped off her black boots and rubbed her feet, grateful to finally be able to take off the shoes that had been killing them all night. She slowly walked down the hall and pushed open the first door on the right, the door to Danielle's room.
Her daughter lay in the twin sized bed in the far corner of the room, the pink and white floral comforter pulled up to her chin, her arms wrapped around the pink pig she had made at Sweet Creatures the summer before.
Sara smiled as she crossed the room, careful not to trip over the dolls and doll clothes strewn across the cream-colored carpet. She smoothed the blankets that covered her daughter and gently brushed away a stray wisp of chestnut hair. She pulled a small chair from the table in the center of the room, the table where Danielle had tea parties with Mallory whenever the older girl babysat, and where it was evident that they had one that night, because plastic cups and saucers were spread across the table top messily.
Watching her daughter sleep had become almost a nightly ritual for Sara. Ever since the shooting, she had realized just how precious her tiny daughter's life was, and she cherished every moment spent with her. Danielle was loving and innocent, and absolutely beautiful. She had her father's chocolate eyes and light brown hair, as well as his outgoing personality. From her mother she inherited her endearing smile and determination. The bridge of her nose was sprinkled with tiny freckles that danced when she laughed, and her laughter revealed small dimples in her cheeks.
Sara knew that she was blessed to have such a wonderful daughter, and she thanked God every day for her angel. Her daughter was her world, and she knew she wouldn't be able to survive if Danielle, too, was taken from her. Danielle made everything in her life seem okay, and was the reason she had gotten through the past eighteen months without breaking down completely.
~*~
Till I had youDidn't know that I was missing out
Had to grow up
And see the world through different shades of doubt~*~
Sara let her gaze travel across the room. The walls were painted a soft yellow, and her name was stenciled in flowing cursive above the bed, compliments of her Aunt Laurie, the only one of Nick's sisters who Sara had become close to, and the only one to come to Las Vegas when Danielle had been born. Stuffed animals held a place of honor in the opposite corner of the room, and three framed Disney movie posters were hung above her white dresser.
Sara quickly looked back at her daughter when the young girl stirred in her sleep, and she smiled as Danielle's eyes fluttered open. Long, dark lashes framed the chocolate orbs that squinted curiously at her.
"When did you get home, Mommy?" she asked, her voice soft and sleepy.
A smile curved Sara's lips as she ran her hand across her daughter's forehead, brushing away her wispy bangs. "Just a little while ago, sweetie. I wanted to say good-night."
Danielle seemed satisfied with her answer and let her head sink back into the pillows. "Me and Mallory watched Frosty," she said through a long, drawn out yawn as she snuggled farther under the sea of blankets.
"I heard," Sara replied, a smile still playing across her features. "Go back to sleep, sweetie. I love you."
Danielle's eyes were drooping as she pulled the blankets up to her chin. "I love you too, Mommy."
"Good-night," Sara said as she kissed her daughter's forehead. She heard Danielle repeat the sentiment in a tired whisper as she walked out of the room and closed the door silently behind her.
~*~*~*~
Sara stood against the wall in fear as a man in a black ski cap held a gun to her forehead. All she could think about was her tiny daughter sleeping at home, about what would happen to Danielle if she died.
"Please don't hurt me," she whispered, her voice trembling with unmasked fear. "Please don't hurt me."
This only caused him to let out a cold, mirthless laugh and press the gun harder against her head. "Where is she?" he demanded.
Sara shook her head as silent tears spilled from her eyes and traced tiny paths down her cheeks. "Please don't hurt me."
Her thoughts drifted from Danielle to Nick. She couldn't imagine how her husband would go on if she died. She couldn't bear to think of the heartache he would suffer if she died.
His eyes opened wide, as did hers, when they heard the squealing of tires outside. Sara quickly stole a glance through the curtains and instantly recognized Nick's dark blue Denali, before the man hit her across the face with the gun, causing more tears to spring to her eyes as her cheeks stung wildly.
"Sara!" Nick's voice rang loudly through the house, and he quickly entered the room they were in, gun drawn.
The man grabbed Sara and pulled her against him, digging the barrel of the gun into her head. "One more move, and she's dead."
Nick's eyes darted from the masked man to his wife to the gun pointed at his wife's head, and he took in a sharp breath. "Put the gun down."
The man let out a small, surrendering laugh and turned his body to place the gun down, loosening his grip on Sara, as if to let her go. But he quickly turned the gun on Nick and pulled the trigger, sending an ear-shattering crack through the room. It was just enough time for Sara to pull her own gun and fire one round at the man, who crumpled to the ground with a soft thud.
She looked over to the other side of the room and her eyes grew wide with fear as she saw her husband lying in a heap on the floor, crimson blood flowing steadily through the bullet wound in his chest. She rushed over to him and took him in her arms, letting his head rest in her lap as she kissed his forehead, sobs racking her body as she clung to him.
He strained to open his eyes, his chest heaving, and he smiled as best he could at her. "I love you," he whispered.
"I love you too," she replied, bringing her lips to his for a kiss. He smiled at her again, and then squinted his eyes closed and took in a final deep breath. A moment later his breathing stopped, and his head fell limp in her lap.
She screamed.
~*~*~*~
Sara sat up in bed, her chest heaving with sharp breaths, the sheets wet and tangled around her. She brushed away a piece of hair plastered to her sweaty face and closed her eyes, begging the images of Nick's lifeless body to leave her.
It was the same nightmare as always. The same horrible memory that played over and over in her head relentlessly. The nightmare that forced her to watch Danielle sleep, to ward off the demons and make sure her daughter was safe.
Sara slipped out of bed and walked down the hall towards the kitchen, the house silent except for her padded footsteps. She grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it with cold water from the sink. She downed it in three large gulps, and wiped her mouth with her sleeve as she collapsed onto one of the four kitchen chairs.
The glass clinked on the tile tabletop as she set it down, and Sara let her head fall to her hands, which were propped up on the table's edge. Her chest rose and fell steadily with each precise breath she took until her heart rate had returned to normal and her breaths slowed.
She didn't know how much longer she could do this. Facing death every day at work and then coming home and facing it in her dreams while she slept was draining, and she didn't know how much longer she could hold out before the pain of it all would consume her completely. It had been over a year ago, and yet the memories still plagued her mind, from the sickening sound of the gunfire, to Nick's final words to her, to his lifeless body lying on the ground.
She didn't know if they would ever go away.
She didn't know if she wanted them to.
She had contemplated suicide once. She had even gotten to the point of holding the bottle of painkillers in her hand, before breaking down and crying on the bathroom floor as she dumped them all down the sink. She hated herself when she felt like that. She hated the selfishness of it, because she knew Nick would never want that.
In her heart, Sara knew she had only one thing worth living for, but that one thing overshadowed all the bad things in her life. Danielle. Danielle was her saving grace. She was the reason she got up in the morning and faced the world. She was the reason she had gotten this far, and she was the reason Sara would continue to move on.
~*~
Give me one more chance to dream again
One more chance to feel again
Through your young heart
If only for one day
~*~
Danielle was innocent and pure, and although she didn't fully understand her father's death, she believed that he was in heaven and that he was watching over her and her mother. Sara recalled a time right after Nick's funeral, when she had asked her daughter if she missed her father. Danielle had replied that she wished he were still with them, but that she couldn't be sad, because he could look after them better where he was in heaven with God. Sara hadn't known what to say in response, but she spent the night crying in her bed while Danielle slept in the other room, oblivious to her mother's tears.
~*~
I see the rain
You see the rainbow hiding in the clouds
Never afraid
To let your love show
Won't you show me how?
~*~
Sara lifted her head up and wiped her eyes, letting them drift slowly across the length of the room. The white lights of the tree twinkled softly, and the ornaments hung delicately on the branches cast comforting shadows on the walls. Wrapped presents were lovingly placed under it's boughs, and Sara smiled when she saw the gift that Danielle had painstakingly wrapped the day before, forcing Sara out of the dining room for twenty minutes while she covered the small box in half a roll of paper and three feet of red ribbon.
Sara knew that her daughter's love of the holiday season had been another thing inherited from Nick; Sara would be much happier if Christmas was skipped altogether, and if the calendar pages flew from November to January, passing over December entirely. Danielle's exuberance and liveliness surrounding the holidays was something that Sara found herself resenting at times, because it brought back too many painful memories, memories that she wanted to forget.
But Sara also knew that Danielle deserved Christmas. She deserved the happiness and joy associated with the holiday, and Sara couldn't bear to take that away from her. She just wished she could understand why something that made her daughter so happy could cause her so much pain and suffering.
Sara knew that Danielle's childhood would fly by so quickly, and she wanted to cherish every moment of it, but the responsibility felt overwhelming at times. She often wondered how things would have been if Nick was still with them. If Danielle would have been happier had Nick shared in her life.
Last Christmas had been heartbreaking for both of them, although Sara had tried to hide her pain for Danielle's sake. It had been their first Christmas without Nick. The first Christmas with no music, no mistletoe, and no laughter at Nick's Santa costume. This year was much the same, with the holidays springing up on them without the usual traditions associated with it.
Sara knew that she was denying her daughter one of the happiest things in life by ignoring Christmas, but she also knew that things would never be the same, and she didn't see any reason to pretend that they would. The one thing she wished for the most was that she could turn back time, that Nick would still be alive and that Christmas would bring blissful elation instead of torturous pain. She wished she had Danielle's heart, and that she could once again see the world as anything but the cruel and harsh place she knew it to be. She wished she could see Christmas through Danielle's eyes.
~*~
Want to see Christmas through your eyes
Want everything to be
The way it used to be
Back to being a child again
Thinking the world was mine
Want to see Christmas
Christmas through your eyes
~*~
Sara sighed, realizing that sleep wouldn't come to her any time soon, and she rose, refilling the glass with water before settling once again on the hard chair, legs tucked underneath her. She grabbed the stack of letters from the opposite end of the table and quickly flipped through them as she sipped her water. Three bills, a Macy's flyer, and two Christmas cards from Nick's family were among the them, but it was one envelope in particular that caught her attention. It was a standard white envelope, with no stamp, and a 'returned to sender' notification printed in black ink on top of the return address. She glanced at the address, and smiled softly when she recognized the wobbly chicken scratch that was her daughter's handwriting.
Santa ClausWorckshop
North Pol
Sara slipped her finger under the seal and pulled out the crumpled piece of notebook paper, deciphering Danielle's handwriting as she read what it contained.
Dear Santa Claus,How ar you? I am good. I no its Crissmus and you are verry buzy but that is why I am riting to you. Mommy sed you will com to my hose soon and bring me lots of pressens, but you don't have to. I have lots of toys aredy and I don't need ane more. I only want one thing for Crissmus. I jus want my Mommy to be hapy again. She misses Daddy lots and is sad lots and that makes me sad. Somtims I heer Mommy crying at nite when I am sposed to be sleeping. It maks me sad when Mommy crys. I no that Daddy is in heven and that is why Mommy is sad and he can't com bak but can you mak her hapy agan? I miss my old Mommy and I miss wen she smiles and laffs and I want her to be hapy agan. I drew her a picshur for Crissmus but Mallory sed it mite mak her more sad so I am giving it to you.
Pleeze mak my Mommy hapy agan. Mallory sed you mak all the kids hapy on Crissmus, so mayb you can mak Mommy hapy to.
Mery Crissmus from,
Danielle Elizabeth Stokes
Sara felt the tears stinging her eyes as she read her daughter's beautiful message to Santa Claus and she wiped them away as she pulled a second sheet of paper from the envelope. She took in a sharp breath and the tears fell full force as she stared at the image messily scribbled in crayon.
Two people were standing in a green valley, surrounded by tiny, indistinguishable flowers. One was much taller than the other, and both were in long blue dresses and smiling. The taller girl was labeled 'Mommy' and the shorter labeled 'Danielle'. Above mother and daughter was a figure in shimmering white robes and wide wings extended downward and wrapped around them, smiling. This was labeled 'Daddy'.
Sara stared at the picture as tears blurred her vision, but she found herself unable to tear her eyes away. Her daughter was wise beyond her years, but behind the wisdom was innocence and faith.
~*~
Want to learn how to believe again
Find the innocence in me again
Through your young heartHelp me find the way
~*~
Nick had always said that he would protect his family no matter what. He had given his life for Sara, and now he would watch over his family as their guardian angel. Sara knew that Nick was with her, if not physically. And she also knew that he would hate what she was doing, both to herself and to their daughter. He would hate they way she was missing Christmas.
Sara rose from the chair, leaving the empty glass on the table, and walked towards the refrigerator. She grabbed a plastic orange 'D' magnet, as well as a blue 'S' one, and used them to affix the picture to the door.
When she finished, Sara glanced at the clock on the counter, the red lights telling her that it was a little after midnight.
"Christmas Eve," she whispered to herself.
~*~
Want to see Christmas through your eyes
Want everything to be
The way it used to be
Back to being a child again
Thinking the world was kind
I want to see Christmas
Christmas through your eyes
~*~
Sara turned and padded down the hall to her daughter's room, quietly pushing the door open when she reached it. She took soft steps as she walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge of it and gently rubbed the little girl's shoulder. Danielle stirred in her sleep and slowly opened her eyes, looking up at her mother with a puzzled expression.
"What's wrong, Mommy?" she mumbled sleepily.
Sara smiled softly at her daughter. "Nothing, sweetie," she said as she brushed away a stray piece of hair. "I just wanted to tell you how much I love you."
Danielle smiled back at her. "I love you too, Mommy."
"And guess what?" Sara whispered, her eyes possessing a playful glint that they hadn't in what seemed like an eternity.
"What?"
Sara bent her head lower and whispered in the little girl's ear, "It's Christmas Eve."
When she pulled away and looked at her daughter's face, she saw that Danielle was grinning. The dimples were visible in her cheeks, and the freckles on her nose danced merrily. Her deep brown eyes shone brightly, and for a moment Sara saw Nick reflected in them. Her daughter's smile warmed her heart, and Sara knew that this Christmas would be different than last years, because already she had gotten the only present she needed. And it was sure to be a brown-eyed Christmas.
~*~*~*~
A/N~ The song lyrics are out of order, because they dovetailed with the plot of the story better that way. Also, not all of the lyrics are used. Only the ones that I found relevant to this story. If anyone is offended by that, I apologize. If you want to listen to the song with the correct lyrics, download the song or buy the CD. It's an amazing song, and Gloria has a beautiful voice, so you won't regret it.
Reviews are appreciated, because they let me know that people are reading and enjoying what I write. So drop me a line and let me know what you thought. All constructive criticism is welcomed and encouraged.
Happy Holidays!!
~Emily