Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate and I never will. Just...Just leave me
alone! *sniff sniff* *huddles in corner*
~*~*~*~*~*
Apophis: Ok, let's get started. We'll start with Sam asking each bachelor a question. *hands Sam a bunch of cards*
Sam: *shuffles them and starts dealing* Ok boys, the name of the game is Poker. Let me give you a demonstration. *pokes Apophis*
Apophis: Ow! What the hell?! Just read them!
Sam: *giggles and pokes him again*
Apophis: *whining* Quit it!
Sam: *giggles*
Guys: Yeah Samantha!
Apophis: Ok, STOP IT NOW!
Sam: *stops and looks like she's about to cry*
Apophis: Now, start!
Sam: Ok! *clears throat* Bachelor #1, if I was a vegetable, I would be a squash. *giggles* What would you be?
Apophis: *whips out notebook again and jots it down*
Bachelor #1: Vegetable... I am not familiar with that term.
Sam: Uh...ok. Bachelor #2, my interests include kicking Goa'uld butt-
Apophis: *grits teeth*
Sam: --Saying things overly complicated that could be summed up in one sentence, and acting like I don't even know Jack's love exists!
Guys: *grin*
Jack: ...
Sam: What are your interests?
Bachelor #2: I also enjoy defeating the Goa'uld. I also enjoy dreaming about-
-train runs by-
Bachelor #2: Man she was pretty. *eyes glaze over*
Sam: *pouts* Prettier than me?
Bachelor #2: Well, I do have a soft spot for brunettes, but of course not!
Sam: ...
Bachelor #2: Samantha, as I have often said, I think you would make a wonderful-
Jack: Can we get this on the road? This is really boring.
Apophis: *sighs* Yes, you're right. I'm not learning anything good anyway.
Sam: Ok, Bachelor #3, my idea of a romantic evening is-
Bachelor #3: A candlelit dinner with red wine.
Sam: *surprised* Yes!
Jack: Hey! I coulda told you that!
Sam: *giggles* What's yours?
Bachelor #3: Not being alone and not eating dirt and old machinery.
Apophis: Oddly specific.
Sam: Ok. Bachelor #4, if we were stuck on a desert island together with no food, no water, and nothing to help us get out, what would you say to me?
Jack: I'd say, FINALLY WE'RE ALONE SO I CAN PROPOSE WITHOUT BEING INTERRUPTED BY YOU [BEEP] PEOPLE!
Sam: O.O
Jack: Uh...*nervous* And, that uh...let me do the work while you work on your tan?
Sam: Ooh, nice answer! *giggles*
Guys: ...
Jack: *smirks*
Apophis: Wow, this is better than a soap opera. Wait, what am I saying? Anything is better than a soap opera!
Daniel: Except Teletubbies!
Apophis: Teletubbies isn't a soap opera, you nitwit.
Daniel: *grins evilly* That's what they think...*eyes flash*
Everyone: WHOA!
Daniel: *sees everyone looking at him* Uh, um...I can explain!
Jack: *stern voice* Daniel? Have you been into the lab again?
Daniel: *looks at the floor*
Jack: And have you been eating the plutonium again?
Daniel: No! I haven't been *eating* it! I was just...sniffing it.
Jack: *crosses arms* You mean snorting.
Daniel: No! I mean, yes! I mean, *looks guilty* I have to be over there now. *runs into corner and rocks back and forth, holding life-size plush Tinkey Winkey doll (from Daniel and the Magical La La Land. lol new fic, please read!)*
Jack: *rubs forehead*
Sam: Ok, next question. Bachelor #1, I like boybands. *giggle* What kind of music do you like?
Bachelor #1: Whatever music you prefer. *stares through separating wall at her*
Jack: Oh puh-lease.
Sam: Oooh, I like N'SYNC. Except for Lance, he's ugly. I love Justin. *dreamy sigh* What about you?
Bachelor #1: Uh...yes. I feel the same...
Sam: *giggle* Bachelor #2, My favorite movie is Bring It On *giggle* . What's your favorite movie?
Bachelor #2: Uh...I like the movie...*looks around for help*
Jack: *leans past Bachelor #3 and whispers* Roots. Say Roots, she loves that movie too!
Bachelor #2: Um...I like the movie Roots. *smiles*
Sam: Oh god! That was the worst movie ever! The book was bad, too! Oh, ew! *looks at Apophis* Can I?
Apophis: *puts away notebook* Be my guest. But you have to wear this. *hands her a blindfold*
Sam: Thanks...*puts it on* *takes a bat* *walks over to the guys' side* Where are you Number Two? I'm coming...heh heh...Roots my ass. *swings bat and barely misses Jack*
Jack: Hey! Watch where you're swingin' that thing!
Sam: *giggles* Oops, sorry Jackie!
Guys: *snort* Jackie?
Jack: *red* ...be quiet! It's a relationship thing! *You* wouldn't know! *smirks*
Guys: *glare*
Sam: *swings again and hits Apophis*
Guys: *hoot*
Apophis: *eyes flash* Dare you touch me?!
Jack: I think she dares. *snorts*
Sam: *swings and hits Apophis again*
Apophis: I said, STOP!
Jack: Yeah Sam!
Sam: Am I getting him?
Jack: Yea!
Apophis: No!
Daniel: Uh, Sam? I hate to be a buzzkill, but you're kind of beating my Teletubbies buddy.
Jack: Daniel, shut up!
Sam: *swings again*
Apophis: *whining* Stop it!
Daniel: ...
Sam: *giggles*
Daniel: Sam, PLEASE stop beating Apophis.
Sam: *sticks tongue out and whacks him again*
Apophis: *huddled in a corner, whimpering*
Daniel: Sam, please!
Sam: What'll you do for me?
Daniel:... I'll do your reports for a month?
Sam: *shakes head and whacks Apophis*
Daniel: I'll be your slave for a week!
Sam: *pauses, but shakes head*
Daniel: Uh...um...I'll draw a beard, moustache, and unibrow and put shaving cream and honey on Anise while she's sleeping!
Sam: Done! *sits back down*
Jack: Damn! Oh well.
Apophis: *stands up* *brushes himself off*
Jack: Dude, whatever dignity you had left is gone.
Apophis: *glares*
Sam: Bachelor #3, my favorite animal is a cat. What's yours?
Bachelor #3: I do not know what an animal is.
Bachelor #1: Oh they are quite nice. I am fond of cats too. *smiles*
Jack: Ok, a), she can't see you, and b), she didn't ask you!
Bachelor #1: *ignores him*
Sam: *brushing hair* 1...2...3...4...
Apophis: *sighs*
Jack: Is this over yet?
Daniel: *holding mini-TV* Oooh, it's that episode I was telling you about, Apophis!
Apophis: *runs hands over face* I think it's time to go to commercials.
Big Voice: We'll be back right after these poorly paid commercials!
~*~*~*~*~*
Liss: Well, I hope that was...fairly amusing. I have a really great idea for next chapter.
Apophis: *backs away slowly*
Liss: Don't worry, Cockroach Man, it doesn't involve you.
Apophis: Phew.
Liss: Much.
Apophis: ARGH!
Liss: MWAHAHAHAHA! We'll be back soon!
~*~*~*~*~*
Apophis: Ok, let's get started. We'll start with Sam asking each bachelor a question. *hands Sam a bunch of cards*
Sam: *shuffles them and starts dealing* Ok boys, the name of the game is Poker. Let me give you a demonstration. *pokes Apophis*
Apophis: Ow! What the hell?! Just read them!
Sam: *giggles and pokes him again*
Apophis: *whining* Quit it!
Sam: *giggles*
Guys: Yeah Samantha!
Apophis: Ok, STOP IT NOW!
Sam: *stops and looks like she's about to cry*
Apophis: Now, start!
Sam: Ok! *clears throat* Bachelor #1, if I was a vegetable, I would be a squash. *giggles* What would you be?
Apophis: *whips out notebook again and jots it down*
Bachelor #1: Vegetable... I am not familiar with that term.
Sam: Uh...ok. Bachelor #2, my interests include kicking Goa'uld butt-
Apophis: *grits teeth*
Sam: --Saying things overly complicated that could be summed up in one sentence, and acting like I don't even know Jack's love exists!
Guys: *grin*
Jack: ...
Sam: What are your interests?
Bachelor #2: I also enjoy defeating the Goa'uld. I also enjoy dreaming about-
-train runs by-
Bachelor #2: Man she was pretty. *eyes glaze over*
Sam: *pouts* Prettier than me?
Bachelor #2: Well, I do have a soft spot for brunettes, but of course not!
Sam: ...
Bachelor #2: Samantha, as I have often said, I think you would make a wonderful-
Jack: Can we get this on the road? This is really boring.
Apophis: *sighs* Yes, you're right. I'm not learning anything good anyway.
Sam: Ok, Bachelor #3, my idea of a romantic evening is-
Bachelor #3: A candlelit dinner with red wine.
Sam: *surprised* Yes!
Jack: Hey! I coulda told you that!
Sam: *giggles* What's yours?
Bachelor #3: Not being alone and not eating dirt and old machinery.
Apophis: Oddly specific.
Sam: Ok. Bachelor #4, if we were stuck on a desert island together with no food, no water, and nothing to help us get out, what would you say to me?
Jack: I'd say, FINALLY WE'RE ALONE SO I CAN PROPOSE WITHOUT BEING INTERRUPTED BY YOU [BEEP] PEOPLE!
Sam: O.O
Jack: Uh...*nervous* And, that uh...let me do the work while you work on your tan?
Sam: Ooh, nice answer! *giggles*
Guys: ...
Jack: *smirks*
Apophis: Wow, this is better than a soap opera. Wait, what am I saying? Anything is better than a soap opera!
Daniel: Except Teletubbies!
Apophis: Teletubbies isn't a soap opera, you nitwit.
Daniel: *grins evilly* That's what they think...*eyes flash*
Everyone: WHOA!
Daniel: *sees everyone looking at him* Uh, um...I can explain!
Jack: *stern voice* Daniel? Have you been into the lab again?
Daniel: *looks at the floor*
Jack: And have you been eating the plutonium again?
Daniel: No! I haven't been *eating* it! I was just...sniffing it.
Jack: *crosses arms* You mean snorting.
Daniel: No! I mean, yes! I mean, *looks guilty* I have to be over there now. *runs into corner and rocks back and forth, holding life-size plush Tinkey Winkey doll (from Daniel and the Magical La La Land. lol new fic, please read!)*
Jack: *rubs forehead*
Sam: Ok, next question. Bachelor #1, I like boybands. *giggle* What kind of music do you like?
Bachelor #1: Whatever music you prefer. *stares through separating wall at her*
Jack: Oh puh-lease.
Sam: Oooh, I like N'SYNC. Except for Lance, he's ugly. I love Justin. *dreamy sigh* What about you?
Bachelor #1: Uh...yes. I feel the same...
Sam: *giggle* Bachelor #2, My favorite movie is Bring It On *giggle* . What's your favorite movie?
Bachelor #2: Uh...I like the movie...*looks around for help*
Jack: *leans past Bachelor #3 and whispers* Roots. Say Roots, she loves that movie too!
Bachelor #2: Um...I like the movie Roots. *smiles*
Sam: Oh god! That was the worst movie ever! The book was bad, too! Oh, ew! *looks at Apophis* Can I?
Apophis: *puts away notebook* Be my guest. But you have to wear this. *hands her a blindfold*
Sam: Thanks...*puts it on* *takes a bat* *walks over to the guys' side* Where are you Number Two? I'm coming...heh heh...Roots my ass. *swings bat and barely misses Jack*
Jack: Hey! Watch where you're swingin' that thing!
Sam: *giggles* Oops, sorry Jackie!
Guys: *snort* Jackie?
Jack: *red* ...be quiet! It's a relationship thing! *You* wouldn't know! *smirks*
Guys: *glare*
Sam: *swings again and hits Apophis*
Guys: *hoot*
Apophis: *eyes flash* Dare you touch me?!
Jack: I think she dares. *snorts*
Sam: *swings and hits Apophis again*
Apophis: I said, STOP!
Jack: Yeah Sam!
Sam: Am I getting him?
Jack: Yea!
Apophis: No!
Daniel: Uh, Sam? I hate to be a buzzkill, but you're kind of beating my Teletubbies buddy.
Jack: Daniel, shut up!
Sam: *swings again*
Apophis: *whining* Stop it!
Daniel: ...
Sam: *giggles*
Daniel: Sam, PLEASE stop beating Apophis.
Sam: *sticks tongue out and whacks him again*
Apophis: *huddled in a corner, whimpering*
Daniel: Sam, please!
Sam: What'll you do for me?
Daniel:... I'll do your reports for a month?
Sam: *shakes head and whacks Apophis*
Daniel: I'll be your slave for a week!
Sam: *pauses, but shakes head*
Daniel: Uh...um...I'll draw a beard, moustache, and unibrow and put shaving cream and honey on Anise while she's sleeping!
Sam: Done! *sits back down*
Jack: Damn! Oh well.
Apophis: *stands up* *brushes himself off*
Jack: Dude, whatever dignity you had left is gone.
Apophis: *glares*
Sam: Bachelor #3, my favorite animal is a cat. What's yours?
Bachelor #3: I do not know what an animal is.
Bachelor #1: Oh they are quite nice. I am fond of cats too. *smiles*
Jack: Ok, a), she can't see you, and b), she didn't ask you!
Bachelor #1: *ignores him*
Sam: *brushing hair* 1...2...3...4...
Apophis: *sighs*
Jack: Is this over yet?
Daniel: *holding mini-TV* Oooh, it's that episode I was telling you about, Apophis!
Apophis: *runs hands over face* I think it's time to go to commercials.
Big Voice: We'll be back right after these poorly paid commercials!
~*~*~*~*~*
Liss: Well, I hope that was...fairly amusing. I have a really great idea for next chapter.
Apophis: *backs away slowly*
Liss: Don't worry, Cockroach Man, it doesn't involve you.
Apophis: Phew.
Liss: Much.
Apophis: ARGH!
Liss: MWAHAHAHAHA! We'll be back soon!