DISCLAIMER: I own not ye Legend of Zelda. WAIT A SECOND!!! Why the legend
of ZELDA?! SHOULDN'T IT BE LEGEND OF LINK?! OR LEGEND OF...MIDO!!!!!!!!
My first fic of anything other than Fruits Basket. Enjoy. With donuts. And coffee. And roasted Epona chips.
It was a dark and un-stormy night. A foul stench filled Hyrule Field's air. Link the YOUNG (see it?! SEE IT?! Now you know he's not BIG so don't ask me stupidly in your reviews "How old is he?" cuz I'll get mad and I'll...I'll...EAT MIDO!!! *pets her Mido who is staring at her nervously*) Hylian rolled over in his sleep. Don't ask me why he's sleeping in the middle of Hyrule Field when he knows those Stalchilds (children?) could get him. His nostrils began to quiver. "..what's...that smell?" he mumbled, opening his eyes slowly. What he saw made him gasp.
NAVI WAS FARTING IN HER SLEEP!!!
"HOLY TRIFORCE, NAVI!" he said, coughing and sputtering up blood it was so horrible. "GO SOMEWHERE ELSE AND LET OFF YOUR GAS!"
So Navi obeyed fetishly. And I DO realize fetish isn't the word to use right there. She glided over to a nearby Peahat and decided to let off some of her treasured gas. There is NOTHING as bad as a fairy's fart. Poor Peahat.
Now if you don't exactly use that handy-dandy Z Button to find out monster's names, I'll tell you what a Peahat is. They're those things that only appear when you're child Link and they don't look alive til you run up to one like a curious stupid person then they sprout forth from the ground and attack you and make you scream like a moron even though they're really lame and unscary. But I scream in terror at them anyway.
The Peahat took about a half hour before it realized that it was dying. Why was it dying you ask? Because, Navi's terrible fart was eating away at it like acid. It hopped up out of the ground and began spinning around in circles and hovering wildly at the foul odor.
Now a Peahat is a very boring creature. So we're going to go away now and leave the poor thing in its helpless glory.
Navi flew ONWARD. ONWARD as in zooming crazily through the air crashing into everything within a five mile radius of her and blowing it up. I pity the running Bunny Mask man.
Eventually Navi crashed into a person. BUT NOT JUST ANY PERSON!!!!! This person was a Gerudo person. Who didn't blow up because she was immune to Navi's explosions.
"AAAAAAH WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU UGLY FAT GERUDO!!!" Navi shrieked like the moronic moth she is.
"Fat?! UGLY?!" the Gerudo woman exclaimed, apparently baffled. "I AM NOT EITHER OF THOSE THINGS! I'M SEXEH!!!" And just to prove her sexiness, the Gerudo burped.
"Wow, you really ARE sexy!" Navi said in a freakish way that makes her sound like a lesbian fairy. "We should work together! How bout it?"
The Gerudo lifted an eyebrow. "What am I working together with you at? What's your goal?"
"I dunno," Navi said, shrugging her non-existing shoulders. "I just realize that you would make a wonderful asset to my completely pointless team! Oh, and cuz you burped."
"Oh, well in that case, sure!" the Gerudo said, smiling with a scary freakish smile that belongs on Akito Sohma.
And so, the two latched their arms together like on the Wizard of Oz and pranced away. It wasn't long before they came to Kakariko Village. "YAY LET'S DESTROY THIS CITY!!" Navi screamed in a high-pitched voice, immediately forgetting she had ever been partners with Link.
"Okay!" the Gerudo squealed like a poppalur girl. And with that, the two "heroines" took torches and lit the village on fire with little children screaming and hurt people running everywhere. ^_^
It was right at that precise moment that the Narrator realized she needed a storyline. So she stretched her super stretchy rubber Luffy arm into Kokiri Forest and kidnapped that bratty kid Mido. "Save me," Mido pleaded unenthusiastically as he was pulled into a dark abyss.
"Okay, let's save Mido who for some reason is very special!" Navi yelled at the top of her lungs like nails on a chalkboard. So Navi and Gerudo plunged into the abyss, leaving the hapless Kakariko people to cope with their own problems.
"I'm faaaaaaaalliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing...." Gerudo whispered randomly. It wasn't really random though cuz she really was falling. And although this was a neverending black abyss, AND although Navi has no hands, Navi grabbed onto something jutting out of the wall. Not noticing it was a frozen Goron head, she clung tightly to it to prevent from falling downward anymore. Even though she could fly up to the top anyhoo if she wanted to escape. And even though she jumped into this neverending black hole of her own free will.
To prevent from plummeting any further into the abyss either, Gerudo grabbed onto Navi's...uhm...hook. Yes, Navi has a hook. But it only protrudes out her ass in special emergency situations like this one.
They stay hanging there for a moment, til eventually the frozen Goron head shattered into a million tiny Goron droplets. And Navi and Gerudo fell.
They fell............and fell.......and fell...and fell..and fell..and fell and fell andfellandfellandfelland YEAH.
Then the world went black. Everything did. Even Haru the schizophrenic cow.
Navi and Gerudo unnhed and opened their eyes slowly. They were..IN THE MIDDLE OF LAKE HYLIA! Since they're stupid they put on their Iron Boots but no Zora Tunic so they just sank and sank but couldn't breathe. Eventually they both passed out.
When they unnhed and opened their eyes slowly again, they were inside the Lakeside Laboratory. With the scary scientist dude leaning over them ominously.
"Hello!" the scientist dude helloed. "My name is.." He said his name but Bonooru the dancing scarecrow just freaked out and went WOOOOHOOO right when he said it so nobody heard. "and I'm here to revitalize you." So, with Pokemon Center background music a-blaring, he shoved fifteen Recovery Hearts down their throat.
"Yay! I feel good as new!" Navi shouted loudly cuz she's just so damn noisy with all her HEYs and LISTENs. "Now I think we should be on our way to find Mido who tumbled down the abyss now. Ta-ta!"
"WAIT!" the scientist screamed, with a voice like Vicky from Fairly Oddparents. "TAKE ME WITH YOU!!"
"Why?" asked the Gerudo.
"BECAUSE I WILL BE A VALUABLE ASSET TO YOUR TEAM!!!" he skreekled loudly.
Navi and the Gerudo looked the scientist over carefully. They looked him up and down so many times that their heads got all jiggly and wanted to fall off. But the Professional Bobblehead People of Thailand came in and fixed them. With crobars.
"Yes, your ugly elderly features and scary face pleases us. Welcome to the group." Navi declared triumphantly. Gerudo nodded.
So our band of heroes began their journey to find Mido who had tumbled into an abyss! Everyone knows that perilous adventures are bound to lie ahead, but don't tell them that! We want them to get caught by surprise and defy the force of gravity by jumping ten feet up in the air! Yay!
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!
My first fic of anything other than Fruits Basket. Enjoy. With donuts. And coffee. And roasted Epona chips.
It was a dark and un-stormy night. A foul stench filled Hyrule Field's air. Link the YOUNG (see it?! SEE IT?! Now you know he's not BIG so don't ask me stupidly in your reviews "How old is he?" cuz I'll get mad and I'll...I'll...EAT MIDO!!! *pets her Mido who is staring at her nervously*) Hylian rolled over in his sleep. Don't ask me why he's sleeping in the middle of Hyrule Field when he knows those Stalchilds (children?) could get him. His nostrils began to quiver. "..what's...that smell?" he mumbled, opening his eyes slowly. What he saw made him gasp.
NAVI WAS FARTING IN HER SLEEP!!!
"HOLY TRIFORCE, NAVI!" he said, coughing and sputtering up blood it was so horrible. "GO SOMEWHERE ELSE AND LET OFF YOUR GAS!"
So Navi obeyed fetishly. And I DO realize fetish isn't the word to use right there. She glided over to a nearby Peahat and decided to let off some of her treasured gas. There is NOTHING as bad as a fairy's fart. Poor Peahat.
Now if you don't exactly use that handy-dandy Z Button to find out monster's names, I'll tell you what a Peahat is. They're those things that only appear when you're child Link and they don't look alive til you run up to one like a curious stupid person then they sprout forth from the ground and attack you and make you scream like a moron even though they're really lame and unscary. But I scream in terror at them anyway.
The Peahat took about a half hour before it realized that it was dying. Why was it dying you ask? Because, Navi's terrible fart was eating away at it like acid. It hopped up out of the ground and began spinning around in circles and hovering wildly at the foul odor.
Now a Peahat is a very boring creature. So we're going to go away now and leave the poor thing in its helpless glory.
Navi flew ONWARD. ONWARD as in zooming crazily through the air crashing into everything within a five mile radius of her and blowing it up. I pity the running Bunny Mask man.
Eventually Navi crashed into a person. BUT NOT JUST ANY PERSON!!!!! This person was a Gerudo person. Who didn't blow up because she was immune to Navi's explosions.
"AAAAAAH WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU UGLY FAT GERUDO!!!" Navi shrieked like the moronic moth she is.
"Fat?! UGLY?!" the Gerudo woman exclaimed, apparently baffled. "I AM NOT EITHER OF THOSE THINGS! I'M SEXEH!!!" And just to prove her sexiness, the Gerudo burped.
"Wow, you really ARE sexy!" Navi said in a freakish way that makes her sound like a lesbian fairy. "We should work together! How bout it?"
The Gerudo lifted an eyebrow. "What am I working together with you at? What's your goal?"
"I dunno," Navi said, shrugging her non-existing shoulders. "I just realize that you would make a wonderful asset to my completely pointless team! Oh, and cuz you burped."
"Oh, well in that case, sure!" the Gerudo said, smiling with a scary freakish smile that belongs on Akito Sohma.
And so, the two latched their arms together like on the Wizard of Oz and pranced away. It wasn't long before they came to Kakariko Village. "YAY LET'S DESTROY THIS CITY!!" Navi screamed in a high-pitched voice, immediately forgetting she had ever been partners with Link.
"Okay!" the Gerudo squealed like a poppalur girl. And with that, the two "heroines" took torches and lit the village on fire with little children screaming and hurt people running everywhere. ^_^
It was right at that precise moment that the Narrator realized she needed a storyline. So she stretched her super stretchy rubber Luffy arm into Kokiri Forest and kidnapped that bratty kid Mido. "Save me," Mido pleaded unenthusiastically as he was pulled into a dark abyss.
"Okay, let's save Mido who for some reason is very special!" Navi yelled at the top of her lungs like nails on a chalkboard. So Navi and Gerudo plunged into the abyss, leaving the hapless Kakariko people to cope with their own problems.
"I'm faaaaaaaalliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing...." Gerudo whispered randomly. It wasn't really random though cuz she really was falling. And although this was a neverending black abyss, AND although Navi has no hands, Navi grabbed onto something jutting out of the wall. Not noticing it was a frozen Goron head, she clung tightly to it to prevent from falling downward anymore. Even though she could fly up to the top anyhoo if she wanted to escape. And even though she jumped into this neverending black hole of her own free will.
To prevent from plummeting any further into the abyss either, Gerudo grabbed onto Navi's...uhm...hook. Yes, Navi has a hook. But it only protrudes out her ass in special emergency situations like this one.
They stay hanging there for a moment, til eventually the frozen Goron head shattered into a million tiny Goron droplets. And Navi and Gerudo fell.
They fell............and fell.......and fell...and fell..and fell..and fell and fell andfellandfellandfelland YEAH.
Then the world went black. Everything did. Even Haru the schizophrenic cow.
Navi and Gerudo unnhed and opened their eyes slowly. They were..IN THE MIDDLE OF LAKE HYLIA! Since they're stupid they put on their Iron Boots but no Zora Tunic so they just sank and sank but couldn't breathe. Eventually they both passed out.
When they unnhed and opened their eyes slowly again, they were inside the Lakeside Laboratory. With the scary scientist dude leaning over them ominously.
"Hello!" the scientist dude helloed. "My name is.." He said his name but Bonooru the dancing scarecrow just freaked out and went WOOOOHOOO right when he said it so nobody heard. "and I'm here to revitalize you." So, with Pokemon Center background music a-blaring, he shoved fifteen Recovery Hearts down their throat.
"Yay! I feel good as new!" Navi shouted loudly cuz she's just so damn noisy with all her HEYs and LISTENs. "Now I think we should be on our way to find Mido who tumbled down the abyss now. Ta-ta!"
"WAIT!" the scientist screamed, with a voice like Vicky from Fairly Oddparents. "TAKE ME WITH YOU!!"
"Why?" asked the Gerudo.
"BECAUSE I WILL BE A VALUABLE ASSET TO YOUR TEAM!!!" he skreekled loudly.
Navi and the Gerudo looked the scientist over carefully. They looked him up and down so many times that their heads got all jiggly and wanted to fall off. But the Professional Bobblehead People of Thailand came in and fixed them. With crobars.
"Yes, your ugly elderly features and scary face pleases us. Welcome to the group." Navi declared triumphantly. Gerudo nodded.
So our band of heroes began their journey to find Mido who had tumbled into an abyss! Everyone knows that perilous adventures are bound to lie ahead, but don't tell them that! We want them to get caught by surprise and defy the force of gravity by jumping ten feet up in the air! Yay!
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!