The same.... it all looked exactly the same. It-the veil- was still there,
rippling slightly from some unseen force. It was almost as if it were
mocking him.... daring him to come closer. Images of that night came
flooding back as he sat on one of the stone benches near the top of the
room. The Order sweeping into the room where Harry and Neville stood,
battling Death Eaters left and right, Harry screaming Sirius' name,
watching his beautiful, graceful body arch back into blackness.... He
sighed heavily and stood once again. He noticed the aurors and officials
had cleared out of the room, giving him some time alone.
He made his way down the steps to the dais. The walk down there seemed to take forever and with each step Remus' breath became shorter. Finally in front of the dais, the veil rippled once again and Remus sank to his knees.
"Sirius..." his voice was rough and shaking
It had been a month since that night...but that did nothing to dim the pain. If nothing else... it seemed so much worse now, after the shock and the denial wore off, all that was left was pain.
"Sirius" he said again "I... I don't know if you can hear me, but I'd like to believe you can. There are some things I need to say"
He stopped to clear his voice and to will away the tears that were close to escape. Composure regained, he continued.
"I don't really know much about this veil, but I'm reading all the books I can on it. It's not a topic discussed openly and I'm finding it hard to do research on, but I won't give up. If there's a way to get you out, I'll find it" he said with determination "I have to."
He stopped to shift into a more comfortable position. Sitting, he crossed his legs in front of him and rested his head in one hand.
"It's been really tough without you Siri. Not just for me, for Harry too. He's a wreck. Dumbledore told me Harry made a right mess of his office last month, said that you would get a good laugh of the mess he left if you were there. I'm going to visit him in a few weeks, make sure Lily's horrid family are treating him all right. I know you'd want me too."
He stood and began to pace the front of the room, still speaking, but softer now
"I can't sleep without you there anymore. The bed is so cold. I moved out of your house and got my own little cottage outside of Hogsmead, with Dumbledore's help. I couldn't wash the linens, not just yet. They still smell like you, and in some strange way it's comforting. Like, if I just close my eyes, it's almost as if you're still there. I used to wake up sometimes to reach for you, wishing that just one night I would feel you there...felt anything. Lately I've stopped myself. I don't know when it got to the point that I stopped wondering why you weren't in bed and realized you weren't there to begin with."
A small sob escaped his mouth and he stopped pacing and sat once again.
"Twelve years I lived without you Sirius, twelve! When you came back I was so happy, it was all I could do to refrain from kissing you right there in front of Harry, Ron, and Hermione that night. Here, not even two years later you've left me again. I can't do it again... I need you."
He stopped to take a shaking breath
"I love you"
Tears escaped his eyes before he could hold them back. He sat in front of the dias and cried into his hands. Not in the month that Sirius had been gone did he admit any of this out loud, and it hurt more than he thought it would. The cold that filled his chest made him clutch his threadbare robes around himself.
A gentle hand was placed on his shoulder and he looked up to meet Nymphadora's gaze
"Remus.." she said softly
"I'm almost finished." he whispered "Just give me another minute"
She nodded and left as quietly as she came. Remus stood and caressed the stone archway gently.
"I bet your laughing at me for blubbering like that." he said with a small smile, his face still shining with tears. "I'm going back to my research, I think I found a promising book in Dumbledore's office. I will be back sometime, hopefully with good news. Love you padfoot."
He turned slowly and walked back up the cold stone steps. One last look back and he was gone
He made his way down the steps to the dais. The walk down there seemed to take forever and with each step Remus' breath became shorter. Finally in front of the dais, the veil rippled once again and Remus sank to his knees.
"Sirius..." his voice was rough and shaking
It had been a month since that night...but that did nothing to dim the pain. If nothing else... it seemed so much worse now, after the shock and the denial wore off, all that was left was pain.
"Sirius" he said again "I... I don't know if you can hear me, but I'd like to believe you can. There are some things I need to say"
He stopped to clear his voice and to will away the tears that were close to escape. Composure regained, he continued.
"I don't really know much about this veil, but I'm reading all the books I can on it. It's not a topic discussed openly and I'm finding it hard to do research on, but I won't give up. If there's a way to get you out, I'll find it" he said with determination "I have to."
He stopped to shift into a more comfortable position. Sitting, he crossed his legs in front of him and rested his head in one hand.
"It's been really tough without you Siri. Not just for me, for Harry too. He's a wreck. Dumbledore told me Harry made a right mess of his office last month, said that you would get a good laugh of the mess he left if you were there. I'm going to visit him in a few weeks, make sure Lily's horrid family are treating him all right. I know you'd want me too."
He stood and began to pace the front of the room, still speaking, but softer now
"I can't sleep without you there anymore. The bed is so cold. I moved out of your house and got my own little cottage outside of Hogsmead, with Dumbledore's help. I couldn't wash the linens, not just yet. They still smell like you, and in some strange way it's comforting. Like, if I just close my eyes, it's almost as if you're still there. I used to wake up sometimes to reach for you, wishing that just one night I would feel you there...felt anything. Lately I've stopped myself. I don't know when it got to the point that I stopped wondering why you weren't in bed and realized you weren't there to begin with."
A small sob escaped his mouth and he stopped pacing and sat once again.
"Twelve years I lived without you Sirius, twelve! When you came back I was so happy, it was all I could do to refrain from kissing you right there in front of Harry, Ron, and Hermione that night. Here, not even two years later you've left me again. I can't do it again... I need you."
He stopped to take a shaking breath
"I love you"
Tears escaped his eyes before he could hold them back. He sat in front of the dias and cried into his hands. Not in the month that Sirius had been gone did he admit any of this out loud, and it hurt more than he thought it would. The cold that filled his chest made him clutch his threadbare robes around himself.
A gentle hand was placed on his shoulder and he looked up to meet Nymphadora's gaze
"Remus.." she said softly
"I'm almost finished." he whispered "Just give me another minute"
She nodded and left as quietly as she came. Remus stood and caressed the stone archway gently.
"I bet your laughing at me for blubbering like that." he said with a small smile, his face still shining with tears. "I'm going back to my research, I think I found a promising book in Dumbledore's office. I will be back sometime, hopefully with good news. Love you padfoot."
He turned slowly and walked back up the cold stone steps. One last look back and he was gone