An occasional feature exclusively in the Ankh-Morpork Times
To the General Public:
My press secretary has informed me that the new, "modern" way for a ruler to remain at the forefront of political trends is to make himself more available to the general public. I do not deny that this is a highly suspicious theory. However, the current disinformation about my private life has made it necessary, in the opinion of Ms. Mercator, for me to take the bull by its nether regions and personally address you, the citizens, in open dialogue. Ms. Mercator – whose job, among other things, hangs by a short piece of piano wire if this experiment goes awry – spent some time in one of our democratic neighboring countries and has opinions on the necessity for transparency between politicians and the polis. These days, the rulers of Pseudopolis, Ephebian and other nations make an effort to show their "humanity," "character," and "values" by interacting directly with the populace. Though much of the Ankh-Morpork citizenry has none of the previously listed characteristics, I am, as all who know me will testify, a man willing to embrace new ideas.
The original suggestion was a so-called town meeting, in which random members of the public meet with me to discuss whatever is on their minds. I found this idea impracticable because of the lack of chairs and sufficient ventilation in the Oblong Office. Thus, I decided to offer the public a chance to ask questions through the format of the Times. I will not answer all questions. However, my press secretary has urged me to address political, social, as well as personal queries. This will reveal me to be, as I've been informed, "well-rounded." I had always applied this term to people with too much bacon in their diets but apparently, I was mistaken.
These first two questions were gathered last week from random Morporkians in Sator Square. In future, queries must be sent to the Press Office.* Do not harass me or the Times if your question is not answered or not answered quickly enough. I'm a busy man.
Havelock Vetinari
(Patrician)
Your Lordship,
Boxers or briefs?
-- Just Curious
---------Dear Mr. or Ms. Curious,
I'm sure it will come as no surprise when I tell you that your question is as intelligent as a bit of moss. However, I have decided to oblige you. As Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, I demand comfort, support and freedom of movement in an undergarment. It does no good to chafe during long official dinners, or to find oneself restricted, so to speak, if it is suddenly necessary to put down a rebellion or avoid an assassination attempt. That is why I prefer simple briefs of light, stretchable cotton. For more information, I suggest you refer to the illustrated pamphlet of the Guild of Pajamas, Lingerie and Undergarments entitled "Panties and You." Scintillating reading, I assure you.
Your Lordship,
The sales tax is too high. What'll you do to ease the burden of the common businessman?
---- An Honest Tradesman
---------Dear Honest,
You have two choices. Either pay the very reasonable four percent sales tax by passing the burden onto the consumer, or start a class war, in which the small tradesmen band together with pitchforks, dull knives and flaming bits of wood, rush over the bridges to Ankh and demand that the nobles and larger guilds pay their income taxes in full. The downside to the class war is the inevitable disruption of business; it is hard to sell sausages with a pitchfork in one hand.
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* If you have a question for the Patrician, please send it to Ms. Mercator by Clacks (Fanfic review system), or Royal Mail (msmercator@yahoo.com) Questions should be in the above format and may be on all topics, though the Office of the Patrician and the Times reminds questioners that inappropriate topics may not be answered (but then again, they might). All inquiring minds will remain anonymous. After selection and compilation, the questions will be forwarded to his Lordship, who will answer them at his leisure. He's especially looking forward to the inevitable question about Pixie Stix.