The Ankh-Morpork Times presents…
The first full edition of Ask the Patrician.
(The editors of the The Times, in cooperation with the palace Press Office, thanks the public for a series of enlightening, interesting, and at times, puzzling questions. We also thank his Lordship for taking the time out of his busy schedule to participate.)
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Dear Patrician,
What kind of bread do you prefer? I for one favor honey-wheat, cornbread, and various dinner roll mixes. But what is your favorite?
--Sitting by a Breadmaker
Dear Sitting,
Ah, bread. Most basic of edible substances. When once our ancient forefathers roamed about with crude arrows shooting woolly mammoths, high school wrestlers and other dumb animals for food, now we have the benefits of the domesticated grains. I once contributed a recipe for bread and water to a cookbook written by a Lancre Witch. It has proved so popular that I've been asked to do a Palace Cookbook. If I ever lift my pen for such an endeavor, there will certainly be a wide range of bread recipes, including one for my very favorite: pumpernickel. It is a Bad Ass bread, which I used to have imported until the Palace baker and a few guards convinced the holder of the recipe to divulge his secret.
Your Lordship,
If running the city is so much trouble that you can't form relationships, how do you find the time to look after Wuffles?(Not that I'm implying in any way that either your earlier comments were untrue, or your care of the dog is less than exemplary. Really. Please don't hurt me).
---Diabhid
Dear Diabhid,
Of course I won't hurt you. Heavens no. It is truly distressing how people seem to think that I am in any way a violent man. I am the very opposite of violent. If I was a violent man, I might take offence at your implication that running the city is somehow….yes, the quaint word you used was "trouble." Instead of considering that Citizen Diabhid merely worded his question with rather less forethought than he should have, perhaps a truly violent man would have simply dispatched the guards to show what trouble in Ankh-Morpork is really like.
However, I am a man of peace and will thus proceed to the root of your question. It is true that a dog requires some amount of attention. With his unfortunate skin disease and pesky bladder problem, Wuffles is perhaps higher maintenance than most. It is to my great shame that I must leave a good deal of his care to others. Yet his basket has a permanent place in the Oblong Office and I walk him in the garden once a day. Wuffles has the advantage that one can speak to him and receive in return the understanding thump of a tail or intelligent bark. Which is more than one can expect from most humans.
Your Lordship,
Regarding Mr. Drumknott's comments, I'd like to say that you can take advantage of me anytime. I can assure you this will not be an inconvenience… Ahem. As to my question: Who or what the hell is Pixie Stix? And are you going to see Lady Margolotta again anytime soon? Am I being too damn nosy? Thank you for your time, sir.
-----Miss Merrymoll
P.S. You really can take advantage of me, you know... Please?
Dear Miss Merrymoll,
Thank you for the advantage taking offer. You are obviously a Seamstress Guild member and I must admit that I've been having some problems lately with my robes of office. Chafing, hems fraying, buttons falling off and so forth. I would certainly take advantage of your offer if it wasn't for one small problem…
…You are obviously a hopelessly overexcited, disorganized young lady. The instructions were to ask one question of me at a time. Someone who can not follow simple directions can not be expected to properly sew the hem of a robe. Quite disappointing. I will, however, answer your questions in a rational, organized way as an example for your future reference. Observe.
1) Since I have received several inquiries regarding Pixie Stix, they will be dealt with together at a later time.
2) It is quite interesting to hear how the public circulates certain rumours about Lady Margolotta. I can assure you that I have not heard from her in some decades nor do I expect to. She had certain tastes that had nothing whatsoever to do with vampirism and everything to do with a desperate attempt to regain a youth that passed a couple hundred years ago. Quite sad, really. If I saw her again, I'd offer her a Pixie Stix.
3) Yes.
Milord The Honourable Havelock Vetinari,
What is your position on the Guild of Actors? A notably rowdy and anti-authoritarian bunch, naturally their satires of your governing techniques must give you some trouble? How do you deal with people who are really only a quick makeup job away from mimes?
--Sam
Dear Sam,
I am put in mind of a comment once made in my presence by one of the Palace staff. I believe it went thus: "I don't hold with the theatre. All of that sex and violence. I get enough of that at home. Well, except for the sex."
I couldn't agree more. The Guild of Actors tends to promote a questionable standard of morality. There is a morbid number of stabbings, poisonings, suffocations, garottings, beheadings, disembowlments and bad puns, all of which lead, I suspect, to a desensitization of the audience to violence.
This is a disservice to the public. It has forced me to take a very particular position on individual members of the Guild of Actors, that is, three steps behind and one step to the left. As I am normally right-handed, this position allows freer movement of my stick if it should be necessary to remind said actor of the real consequences of violence. Or, for that matter, political satire.
*** The last letter for today, from a citizen known only as "Twist," forced me to respond in a slightly different format than the others. I trust the readership of The Times will forgive the breach of continuity. – LV, P
Ola Havvie!
I must pause here to give my reaction upon first reading this greeting. I believe everyone is aware that I have eyebrows. The left one is raised when I am amused, the right one when I am displeased, and both together only during extreme emergencies. I leave the readers to guess which reaction I had to the term "Havvie."
So glad you've decided to answer some pressing questions. *cue evil laugh* I do know a lot about you from previous ventures, however, I would like to ask you a question that I believe is vital to the survival of Ankh-Morpork. Brace yourself.
I prefer others to do that for me. I normally dispense with the usual metal brace in exchange for a series of leather straps secured with iron buckles.
What was you favorite child activity? Now, remember that I do know you and I do hold the stash of Pixie Stix, so I want no answer like "I liked staring at people so I could figure out how to manipulate them." I know you better. *evil grin*
Ahem. Miss Twist, I must clear the record and state publicly that you do not, in fact, know me. Our business has always been conducted with the strict impersonality necessary to trafficking in sugary substances. If anything, you know Drumknott quite a lot better. I've had to discipline him twice for skimming off the Pixie Stix supply. The poor man is addicted. He licked the tiny paper ends and pinched them closed in hopes I wouldn't notice.
To your question: It has been suggested in some circles that my favourite child activity involves the importation from a tropical island of tanned, pre-pubescent boys with liquid brown eyes and no sense of right and wrong for Special Service at the palace. This is, of course, ridiculous. I've had boys brought in who were as old as 16.
If you meant childhood activity: I collected stamps.
Sincerely,
Lord Vetinari
(Patrician)
p.s. Your remaining Pixie Stix question will be answered in a special Pixie Stix edition of Ask the Patrician
p.s.s. FROM MS. MERCATOR: We at the Press Office beg the readers' forgiveness for the above answer from his Lordship to Citizen Twist. There are, of course, no boys imported to the palace; his Lordship was simply demonstrating his idiosyncratic sense of humour. He has been under a great deal of pressure lately. Even when we asked the other day, he would not allow us to loosen his leather straps.