Dearest Inuyasha
A/N: I always have such difficult time writing. What sort of mess have I gotten myself into in starting to write fanfiction? I'll never learn from my mistakes. =__=;; This story didn't really turn out the way I want it to, because… well, because I'm not adequate with words. If you think it's crap, please pretend that it's April Fools, and you have just been tricked.
Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah. Okay, let's get on with it. ^__^ Nah~ I don't own Inuyasha.
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I knelt by your side, too shaken to speak. You looked so pale; your eyes were closed tightly; your laboured breathing was barely detectable except for the slight upheaval of your chest.
I cradled your head gently in my lap, tenderly brushing away blood-streaked hair that was once silvery white. The beautiful, beautiful hair. You were so proud of it once. Now… now it was hardly distinguishable from your red kimono, because it was tainted. Tainted with your blood.
I could have cried right then, but I didn't want you to see me doing that when you wake up, so I held back the tears that were threatening to fall. Instead, my fingers began tracing your masculine feature gingerly, imprinting every line and curve of your face into my memory. Did anyone ever tell you that you looked so peaceful and so full of innocence when you sleep? Like a baby. No, like an angel. Except that you would probably never find out, because the person would cringe from the tough and cold demeanour that you constructed around you. But I knew the real you. Miroku, Sango, Shippo, and I, we all knew that you had one of the gentlest hearts in the world. I was just luckier than the rest of them, because I had the chance to see deeper into your mind.
You frowned in your sleep, moaning slightly. You were waking up.
"Inuyasha," I called softly.
Those piercing golden fires of yours remained the same despite your current condition. There were many times that I had thought that I could stare into them, and be lost forever in their mesmerizing depth.
"Kagome," you whispered.
"I'm here."
"You dope, didn't I tell you to stay in the shelter because you were in no condition to fight? You never listen to me, do you?" Even though you were scolding me, your voice was tender, the corner of your lips curling upward.
I had to smile, although my heart was heavy. "I said that I would stay by your side no matter what. I'm only keeping my promise."
You managed to smile back at me, but it was apparent that it hurt you to do so. "Did I kill him?"
"Yes, you got rid of him for good. Miroku and Sango are cleansing his remains with sacred fire."
"Hmph…" You closed your eyes for a moment.
"Inuyasha?" I hesitated.
"Un?" You looked at me.
"You're going to be alright, aren't you?"
You fell silent. A hand reached up to touch my face. "I'm sorry, Kagome."
I could only stare, my throat too clutched with a big salty lump that I wasn't able to say anything. I would surely let out all my emotions had I attempted to open my mouth.
"Don't cry, Kagome. It breaks my heart to see you cry." You gently wiped my tears away.
Had I been crying? I had not noticed. I didn't want you to remember me as a puffy-eyed girl. I thought I could hold in my sorrow, but the pain… it was simply too strong. Oh, Inuyasha…..
As though reading my thought, you said while tugging a loose strand of hair behind my ear, "You're beautiful."
"Inuyasha…" I cried. "Don't…don't leave. Don't leave me alone."
"Kagome, look at me." Your voice was quiet, deep, yet held a note of determination.
"I promise you that I'll find you. I'll be gone for now, but I'll find you again 500 years later, in your time. I will never leave you behind. Never."
I looked into your eyes, deep as the ocean, and believed. "Inuyasha, I…"
You put your finger lightly on my lips. "Shh…say it when I find you again. That will be the special signal between us. Until then, be strong."
I watched helplessly as your hand dropped, the last of your breath signifying the rest of your life slipping away.
Right then and there, my heart died along with you.
Kaede, Miroku, Sango, Shippo, and I performed the burial. Along with Tetsusaiga, we buried you deep in the heart of Inuyasha's Forest, your forest. A small altar was built by the villagers to commemorate you, the hero who slew Naraku. It also served as your gravestone.
I stayed by the altar, by your grave, for three entire days. Then I packed up all my belongings and bid farewell to everyone.
Sango had originally wanted to cremate you and let me bring back your remains to the present, but I shook my head. I told her that you'd be much happier resting in the forest so full of memories, both sad and sweet. It was the place where we first met, after all.
I hugged each of them goodbye by the Bone Eater's Well. It wasn't that I really wanted to part with them, but because I felt the magic of the well diminishing rapidly.
"Kagome, I'll never ever forget you." Shippo, tearful, held on to me tightly.
The others nodded in agreement, solemnly. Sango was dabbing at her eyes.
My eyes, which had shed too much tears in the past few days, were burning again. "I will always keep you in my heart. Always."
With that, I jumped into the well and came back. I came back to my present, forever locked away from Inuyasha's past, my past as well.
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Dearest Inuyasha:
I dreamed last night, about what happened five years ago. I dreamed of my last moment with you, the final days of my time in the Feudal Era.
After that day, my life returned to normal. No more demons, no more jewel, no more Naraku. And no more you. I went to school, hang out with friends, and helped Grandpa at the shrine. On the surface, I joked and laughed as usual, but deep inside, there was this empty spot, a black hole, that simply refused to be filled up. Why?
Mom never questioned me about what happened after I got back, but I suspect that she knew, and she was just waiting for me to tell her. I couldn't and I still can't, because it feels as if you'll never come back to me if I told anyone.
Have you forgotten about your promise? I've kept my end of it. I have stayed strong, like you asked me to. It's hard to believe, but yes, I haven't cried in the last five years. The wells to my eyes are dried up.
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Dearest Inuyasha:
Don't you think it's funny how we've never really exchanged a vow or spoken openly about our feelings towards each other? Yet we both knew. We knew the unspoken words between us; this ambiguous yet luring aura lingering in the air whenever we're together. I had wanted to speak the words then, but you stopped me. Yes, I know, it's our secret signal. Amazing how a few words can mean the whole world to me… I have these magic words and your promise to keep me going.
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Dearest Inuyasha:
I dreamed again last night. Yes, it was about you. I think… I think I have just found another promise that you made to me that I could add to my secret treasure box. I had not realized that it was a promise back then when you said it.
Remember that night when I wandered off on my own because I couldn't sleep? You came after me and we both lay on the field. We chatted. We told each other about our childhood memories. After the conversation lapsed off, we watched the stars, with neither of us speaking for a time, both enjoying each other's company.
"Let's grow old together." You said suddenly.
"Huh? What did you say?" I wasn't quite sure of what I had heard. I must be dozing off.
You didn't repeat the phrase. You simply stood up and held out your hand for mine.
It was then that I realized your eyes are brighter than the brightest of stars in the dark.
"Let's grow old together." Can I take this as an oath, sworn to me by you?
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Dearest Inuyasha:
Do you know that I had gone out with Houjo once after I came back? Back then, the hollowness within my chest was too hard to bear, so I tried desperately to fill it up by going out with him. I thought maybe, just maybe, that I could forget the ache in my heart.
Our first date was disastrous. Every time he talked or smiled, I couldn't help but start recalling the smirk on your face, the way you always growled when displeased about something, and one of those rare but breathtaking smiles you showered upon me. I practically fled in the end. Wasn't that pathetic? You must be laughing at me, shaking your head, asking me why I couldn't be more patient. I want to laugh myself too, but only along with you.
How can I love another, when I'm still hopelessly in love with you?
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Dearest Inuyasha:
Oh, Inuyasha, you won't believe what happened today! While grocery shopping, I saw someone who looked exactly like you! Not the you in your hanyou form, but the exact way you looked when it's the new moon, your human form.
I felt my heart stop, then beat at an unbelievable speed that drummed in my ears. All I could do was simply stare and tell myself to remember to breathe.
He noticed me because I blocked his way.
Do you know what the first thing he said to me was? He yelled, "Move out of the way, wench."
He sounded so much like you!!!
I must have acted like a nutcase then, for I pointed at his face and laughed. I laughed until my stomach hurt and he stood there in uttermost bewilderment. Then I cried.
Inuyasha. Inuyasha. Could he be you?
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Dearest Inuyasha:
I met him again at the mall today, quite by accident. We had coffee afterwards
I found out his name. It is Inuyasha.
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Dearest Inuyasha:
I've been seeing him for three months now. The more I get to know him, the more confused I am. The way he talks, scowls, and every other little detail is exactly the same as yours. Even the feel of him staying by my side is the same as you by me. Oh, but, just how can I be sure that he is you? I have brought him home and Mom looked at him with mild surprise. I know she was surprised by the resemblance between you two. The only thing is that he doesn't remember me, from the past. Have you really found me?
Is he you? Are you him?
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Dearest Inuyasha:
I have decided now. I went down to the well and sat there from morning till night. I meditated; I thought; I remembered the time we shared together and the time since I met him.
My heart tells me that you and him are one, the exact same in essence. You are him. He is you. My Inuyasha.
How can I tell him of our past? Maybe I won't.
I think it is perhaps time now, to say our little secret. I love you, Inuyasha, with all my heart and soul.
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I come home from work to find my mom preparing supper in the kitchen. "Hey mom, what's on the menu tonight?"
"Oh, Kagome dear, you're home." She turns and beams at me. "Inuyasha has come by to see you. I asked him to stay for dinner and he is waiting for you up in your room."
"Okay, I'll go upstairs to find him then."
I whistle. My heart is light. Inuyasha's here. Today, I'll tell him. I'll let him know the feelings that I have for him ever since the day we met.
"Hey! Inuyasha!" I open the door, grinning, expecting to see him smile in return. But he doesn't.
He sits in my chair, a stack of letters that I've written to you in hand, no, written to him, for he is you and you are him.
Your eyes are cold. You are not smiling.
I blink.
"This Inuyasha that you write to in your letters, who is he to you?" You ask slowly, lips tight.
"He is…someone very important to me." I don't want to lie.
You speak with a voice devoid of emotion. "Am I… just a substitute for him?"
Do I see a flash of sadness across you face?
How can I explain? You are the same Inuyasha in my letters! But will you believe in what I have to say? How can I make it known to you that you're the Inuyasha, the only Inuyasha there is, the only Inuyasha there will ever be in my heart?
You fling the letters at me. They spread and flutter, hundreds of white paper flying around the room, like the broken wings of a fallen angel.
I remain silent.
"I guess that answers my question," you say bitterly. Then you smile. It's filled with such sorrow that it pains me as if my heart is clenched by an iron fist.
I reach out, wanting to comfort you. "It's not what you think, Inuyasha. Let me explain."
You slap my hands away and barge out of the door, slamming it.
"Inuyasha, wait!" I run after you.
You keep on going without looking up or back at me. Just around the corner, a car comes speeding out of nowhere. The next thing I know besides the deafening screeching is you sailing through the evening sky, flamed a bloody red by the setting sun.
"NOOOOOO!"
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I sit on the bench, my face buried in my hands. How long has it been since they pushed you into the operation room? Five hours? Six? I have lost track of time. It seems as if the flow of time slowed down, the seconds locked away. The time of waiting in anxiety feels the equivalent of centuries.
I pray to God. Please, please, please let you be okay. Inuyasha, am I going to lose you again?
The light is off. The doctor comes out, looking worn. I stand up and wait for him to speak. His grey eyes lock with my brown.
He lets out slowly, choosing the appropriate wording. "He is in a comma. His head has received a strong impact and suffers from concussion. The next five days will be a critical period for him. If he wakes up, then he'll be fine and recover nicely. However…" He pauses. The look in my eyes silently urges him to go on. "If he doesn't regain consciousness within the next five days, he will either become a vegetable or…die."
I sag into the chair. No. No. No. This cannot be true. It can't be happening. Inuyasha, you're going to make it this time, right? You promised me that you wouldn't leave me behind again. Don't break your promise.
I've pleaded with the nurse to let me stay by you and stay by you I did. I sit by your bed for the five days. I hold your hand in mine, refusing to let it go, refusing to leave your side even for one minute.
Mom is worried about me, but I reassure her that I know what I'm doing and that I will be fine.
"Inuyasha, please don't leave me alone." I repeat the same thing that I said to you 500 years ago. "Don't leave me like this."
I rub my cheek against your hand. "There are so many things that I still want you to know, so many things to explain, to set right. You still haven't given me the chance to say the words that I've kept inside me for so long." A tear slides down my face, but I don't care. "I love you."
I cannot stop myself from crying now. It seems as if my eyes demand the tears that I have denied them to let flow during the past five years. Now they have gained the exit out. "Oh, Inuyasha…why must it always be like this?" I cry myself to sleep.
I wake up from the warmth on my cheek. It feels so nice. My eyes are still sore and must be red from last night's crying. I lift my head to stare into a pair of light brown eyes. They are brown, but do I glimpse a speck of gold in them?
I gasp and remain speechless for a few minutes. Time must have frozen again during the moment in which we stare at each other. It feels like an eternity has passed while I am lost in the fathomless bottom of your eyes. "Inuyasha…" I breathe.
You don't say a word, but cup my face in your palms. "I've found you."
I am dumbfounded. I stutter, "What...what did you say?"
You smile. "I've found you at last, Kagome."
Darn, my eyes are stinging again. My vision is blurred. "How did you…?"
"I had a long dream. A dream about you and I and the past." Like 500 years ago, you wipe away my overflowing tears. "See, I kept my promise."
"Took you long enough." I sniff.
You chuckle. "You really haven't changed, Kagome."
"Neither have you," I give you a watery grin. "It's so good to have you back, Inuyasha. I missed you."
"So have I," you state quietly, gazing steadily into my eyes.
After getting the doctor and the nurses to run a check on you, I sit back down again. You reach out to hold my hand.
"I think I'll sleep a bit now," you tell me. Then ask hesitantly. "Will you still be by my side when I wake up?"
I stroke your hair. "Of course. I will be by your side, always."
You squeeze my hand and your eyelids start to droop.
I watch and count your breathing as it becomes steadier.
Heaving a sigh of content, you call for me. "Kagome?"
"Yes?"
"I love you."
"I love you too, Inuyasha."
I place my head by your shoulder and close my eyes as well. I think I'll take a short nap since I've hardly closed my eyes in the past couple of days.
Let us grow old together. I smile. Yes, let us be with each other until we're both old man and old woman. Over the long path in life, we'll quarrel, we'll laugh, we'll always be together……..like you promised.