Sometimes, my soul is not just mine. Sometimes it's the screams and cries of all the people I have ever known, captured, or killed. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can hear them, just beyond me, just beyond my reach, asking for me to be there for them. I'm no preacher, no priest. I don't know what absolution looks like.
My dream self wanders this landscape, the village where it all began, watching it from a distance, like it doesn't touch me at all…
Growing up in my village was kinda hard. I was the only son of the town drunk, and my mother did laundry to make ends meet. I was always getting into trouble all the time, bullying other kids, and fighting. Being short for my age didn't help, and I was soon fighting the big kids as much as I was fighting the littler kids.
Watching my father get kicked and beaten while begging for money disgusted me. I would watch the rich people kick him away with their fancy shoes and sneering faces. Watching those same people look down on my mother, with her chapped hands and worried face, these people bullying her prices down to almost nothing.
No one, I thought, is ever going to do that to me. I will never be that weak. I must become strong.
So I'd fight. I was constantly fighting. Sometimes, I walked away with horrible bruises and a battered face and body, but this was okay. I needed to get stronger. A lot stronger. Fighting for me because no one else would.
When I found the dojo, it was out of sheer spite and evil. The bigger boys in the gang dared me to go. "Ya wanna get stronger," they taunted, "Go talk to those people. They'll beat the crap outta ya."
Those people. The people who went to the dojo were mostly the rich kids, kids whose fathers could afford the uniform and supplies. None of my friends went to the dojo. Sitting outside, debating, deciding, and challenging. The moment that changed my life, the girl who changed who I am.
You're weak, Zoro.
It's really warm, and I open my eyes. The sky is pure blue, and I can hear Luffy and Usopp talking about a game. They're playing Go Fish, one of the few card games Luffy can deal with. I can hear Luffy laughing. "Warii!! Warii, Usopp!! I'll try again!"
Stretching, I stand up and eye the situation. The shitty cook is in the kitchen doing his job for once. Chopper is napping in our room. Nami is reading the newspaper on the main deck, Robin sitting across from her. Robin both interests and worries me. She is new and I haven't figured her out. Everyone is so simple in comparison, and I sense a complexity beneath her bland façade. Something that tastes remarkably like my own dark pain, and it worries me. That darkness is dangerous. It can turn on you and eat your soul if you're not careful. It can make you turn on people who trust you.
I look over at Luffy, where he is grinning happily at Usopp, and I wonder if Luffy will save her? Will that pure heart save her the way it saved me?
It surprises me that I'm even thinking that, and I walk to a shadier spot with a huge yawn, stretching my arms and neck.
"Honestly, Zoro," Nami snaps at me, "Why can't you do something productive?"
"Shut up," I snap back, settling down beneath the orange trees. "I need my rest."
As I close my eyes, I hear Usopp add, "All he does is sleep. Ah, what are we going to do with him?"
I hear Luffy chuckle, and reply, "Zoro can sleep if he wants. It makes him happy, right?"
If I weren't pretending to sleep, I'd smile.
Huh. Luffy saving me.
Sometimes, when I'm trying to sleep, I can see Kuina's face when I close my eyes. I can see her smirk when she's defeated me, her annoyance that I would challenge her again and again, her amusement when I would lose my temper because I lost. I can see it all like I was still nine years old.
Kuina had an evil streak. Sensei told me later that she practiced even harder because I wanted to beat her, but she never let on that I frightened her. She never let me know that I meant something to her, even that night I challenged her with two swords and she easily beat me, she wept because she knew someday I would surpass her.
I shift slightly against the wall. Just because I was a boy she knew she would be surpassed. Sometimes, I dream about her and how she might have kept up with me. She might have kept beating me, because I was counting on brute strength. Kuina fought with delicate skill that wove through my defenses like a hummingbird through a lion's claws.
She always beat me. No one before or since has been able to beat me like that. Well, Mihawk, but what can I expect of the best? That particular humilation is one I try not remember. Really, how could the difference in skill and power been that much? Still, Mihawk was more tolerable than Kuina's beating me. She always went out of her way to make me feel small. Even that one time I fought with Luffy, I felt like we were even. It was never even with Kuina.
Damn it. I hate thinking about her.
"LUFFY!! Don't eat that!!"
Usopp's scream makes me open an eye, and Luffy is grinning and stuffing cards into his mouth. Luffy's eyes meet mine and he smiles harder, knowing that I can read him. He's just playing with Usopp, but Usopp isn't sure. That, really, is the glory of Luffy right there.
I close my eyes again, and her crying face comes to mind. Damn it.
I decide sleep isn't going to come, and stand up again. "You guys are too noisy," I grumble, heading into the kitchen.
I can sense Luffy watching me, while Usopp tries unsuccessfully to push Luffy's head through a knothole in the deck.
"Oh, Zoro," Nami calls behind me, lowering her newspaper to speak to me, "Can you ask Sanji-kun to get me a drink please?"
I can feel annoyance settle like an elephant on my shoulders. "Why don't you ask him," I say, giving her my best annoyed look.
"Because," she says, snapping her paper up and ignoring my glare, "You're there. And you owe me money, so do it."
"You are so going to hell," I grunt, and slam the kitchen door open with my palm. "But I wouldn't be surprised if the devil spat you out."
"Oi! Zoro! Don't break the damned door!"
My least favorite person is standing there in his favorite pink apron. I give the apron a contemptuous look before sitting at the table. No man should wear pink. It should be a rule somewhere. Maybe we can make it one on the ship. "Is there anything to eat," I ask, kicking my feet up.
"No," the shitty cook snaps, kicking my feet off the table, "Where the hell did you learn manners! I thought Luffy was the only barbarian, but you're a close second!"
I sit up and get in his prissy face. "You wanna fight?"
He glares at me through his girly bangs and from under that stupid looking eyebrow, and growls, "Not in the kitchen."
I laugh inside, sit back, and shrug, "Fine. I win. Nami wants a drink."
He glowers at me, and I watch as what I said filters through his annoyance. "Nami-san needs a drink," he says, grinning happily, a neon heart glowing from his eye. What an ass. While he dances about the kitchen, I sneak behind him and get into the refrigerator. I just manage to snag a chicken leg, when I sense the sakki and move out of the way of the stupid cook's kick. It slams the door of the refrigerator closed, nearly taking my head with it.
"Oi, what the hell," I holler, glaring at him. "You almost killed me!"
He leans in, a knot of anger on his temple, red faced. "I seriously doubt hitting you in the head would damage anything but the refrigerator," he says slowly.
I have a chicken leg.
I turn around, ignoring his indignant squawk, and quickly eat the leg. "Give me wine," I order between bites, and Sanji starts this long lecture on how the fine wines are not for people like me. I ignore this lecture too, and rummage around for some booze. Booze always makes the thoughts of Kuina go away.
I'm suddenly aware that I'm face down on the floor and Sanji is snarling over me like a starving mutt. "Not for you," he's foaming, and I realize the little shit has KICKED me in the head.
Unforgivable. I pick myself up, and snap, "Do you want a piece of me? EH??"
Suddenly calm, the stupid cook lights a cigarette and eyes me. "Get out of my kitchen," he says, exhaling poisonous smoke. I give him my most intimidating glare, and realize I've left my swords in the room. "Booze," I say, refusing to budge.
"Get OUT," he snarls.
"Booze first, " I insist.
"Fine, if that'll get you out," Sanji finally says, reaching into the cupboard and pulling a bottle.
I'm not stupid. He needs to know this. "This," I say shortly, "says cooking wine."
He exhales again, polluting my air, and says, "That's all you need."
I want to kill him. But Nami slams in, eyes aflame. "Zoro," she howls, looking very much like all the old wives I've ever met, "Where's my drink!"
I don't know why Sanji thinks she's attractive. She's all mouth and bossiness.
"I don't know," I say slowly, pointing at the stupid cook. "Ask the damned womanizer."
"Hai! Nami-sawn!" He does some weird dance to the counter, but pauses in his dancing to glare at me. "You, you've got your booze, get out."
"You… I don't have to take orders from you," I growl, thinking of the many ways I could kill him. There's a sudden pain in my head, and I find myself face down on the floor again. On close inspection this second time, the floor needs to be cleaned again.
"Zoro," says the bane of my existence, "You're bothering Sanji-kun and he's making me a drink!"
I get up and glare at both of them. "I just want a drink, bastards," I grit, picking up the bottle and walking out. Damn that wench, any way. I know she's a good navigator, but she's such a pain in the ass.
"Are you alright, kenshi-san?"
Just perfect. I realize I've been rubbing the sore spot on my head and Robin has caught me.
"Fine," I say, turning to find another shaded area. I pop the cork on the wine, and take a swallow. It's harsh, but not unbearable. Stupid cook. I find a spot and lie down, taking another gulp.
"Are you sure," she asks, standing over me.
I shift my eyes up to look at her. The sun is behind her, shading her face, so I can't read her expression. "Fine," I say again, taking another deep drink. I shake the bottle. That damned cook must have shorted me! There's only half a bottle left!
She squats down and is staring at me with those dark eyes, eyes that are hiding pain and bitterness. "Eh," I say, "What do you want?"
A hand emerges from the deck, snagging the bottle and flinging to her in a smooth, practiced move. She catches it with ease and gives me a questioning look, dangling the bottle between her fingers.
"Whatever," I say, sounding grumpy even to myself.
She smiles slightly and moves to sit next to me. She takes a drink from the bottle, and hands it back. "Bad wine," she says, swallowing hard, and pulling her knees up.
"It's that shitty cook," I grumble, taking another gulp. I can taste her lip gloss on the bottle lip, and the addition of cherry to the already shitty wine is vaguely nauseating.
"I can taste your lipstick crap," I grumble, wiping my mouth, and unsure why she's laughing at me. Because she is, a lot. I can see it in her eyes even if she's not rolling around on the floor like Luffy.
"You seem pensive," she says after a moment and all I can do is blink. What the hell does that word mean?
"Um, no," I say gruffly, trying to cover up that I have no idea what she just said.
"Something has to be bothering you. You've been pacing more than usual."
Figures she would notice.
"Nothing's bothering me. I just got thirsty."
"Hmm… I see." I watch that swirl of bitterness and darkness in her eyes foam to the top almost like tears, before she hardens her will and it disappears like a puddle in the sun.
"Why are you here," I ask flatly, and she stares at me a moment with those dark eyes.
"Hmm.. many reasons, I suppose," she says, hiding part of her face in her knees. "I've been with many pirate crews. This is just one more."
"You're using us," I say, cutting through her words.
"No," she murmurs, "Maybe… I'm learning. I'm remembering what it's like to… trust."
Surprise. She's surprised me. She's so much older, and, I don't know why, we always think older people are smarter, wiser. That when we hit that age we are supposed to know who we are and be where we are supposed to be. Yet, she's sitting here like an abandoned puppy, as hurt as the rest of us.
"What happened," I hear myself say. Surprised out of me, I guess.
She buries her head between her knees, completely hiding her face and sighs. "Ha. Ha ha," I hear it but it's muffled and I hear her say, "How long since anyone asked and meant it?"
I can't think of anything to say, and before something brilliant comes to mind, she smoothly gets up. "Well, if you need an ear," She says with a small smile.
I nod, unable to say anything, and put the bottle to my lips for a drink. Damn. Empty. I watch her go into the cabin she shares with Nami, and, again, I wonder why she's here? Women are so weird.
Sighing, I lean back and let the sun hit me. It's getting hot again, the ship and the sun have moved, and I have no more wine. Train?
No… I have no urge this moment. I worked out four hours and training more will strain my muscles a little too much. I really want to get some sort of sleep.
"Oi, Zoro, Are you okay?"
As deep in thought as I am, I look up and find Luffy's face right above me, dangling like a sinker from a fishing line! He's hanging from the orange trees, and I can't help it; I yelp and fall over.
"Zoro, what's wrong with you," he asks, falling in next to me with a thump.
I have to sigh. He has no idea.
"Nothing, nothing," I say, feeling my face get hot. How do I explain that I've been comparing him to a savior or something? Because he's not. I know he's not. But he still… somehow… saved me.
What is this? Suddenly I realize that I must be looking pretty fucking pathetic if even Luffy feels the need to cheer me up.
He looks at me, and I know, again, that he's looking at me. He does that on occasion, reads me like a book.
"You're lying," he says finally, eyes wide and searching.
"I'm not," I repeat. "Why is everyone on my case today," I finally grind out. "I'm okay!"
Luffy scratches his nose and looks at me. "Um… I want to help you."
Sighing, I say, "There's nothing to help with."
Luffy leans in and stares at me. "You're feeling lonely again."
Was that it? Why was it thinking about Kuina always did that? And what was it about Robin that triggered it? Flushing, I push him back. "No I'm not."
He grins and leans in again, "Yes you are. I don't know why you say that." He pats my face with both his hands and says, "You can't sit still, you haven't gotten up to train, you can't sleep, and you want to drink more than usual."
I didn't think anyone knew me that well. "I don't know what you're talking about," I stutter, my heart in my throat.
To my absolute horror, Luffy hugs me. "You're not alone," he says. And part of me wants to die of embarrassment, because a guy is hugging me. But part of me is relieved because, in my heart of hearts I'm scared, terrified of being alone again. Pirate Hunter Zoro, terror of East Blue, a lone hunter, a lone devil.
Kuina… Kuina took my heart when she died. And I left it with her until Luffy found and saved me. That's it. That's why Luffy saved me. He saved me from being alone…
I'm not sure what moves me, but maybe it's the warm spirit I feel in him, the first completely accepting soul I had met in years, someone unafraid of me and all the death I have spread in the past few years. I lean in a little and kiss Luffy on the mouth. It's warm and sweet, like a fresh caramel, and he lets me kiss him deeper. I feel that cold place in my heart warm up again, and I feel human again. I love Luffy, his kindness and courage. I can't think of anything better than staying by his side.
I let him go and he grins at me. "Feel better," he asks.
I smile weakly, and lean my head on his shoulder. "Thank you Luffy," I murmur, not caring about the possibility of anyone watching.
He pats the back of my head with one hand, and I can feel his grin from the tip of his toes to the top of his head. "Of course! That's what nakama are for, ne?"
Nakama. I thought I knew the meaning of the word. Companions, friends? No, it's closer to family and loved ones.
Maybe, maybe with Luffy, I can finally stop the pain and put all my ghosts
to rest.