Author's Note: I got the idea for this little ficlet after reading Order of the Phoenix (which, in my humble opinion, was a disappointment. This isn't Dark Prince related but fear not, Severus is still a bastard. Anyways, I figured Harry wasn't the only one who would have remotely blamed Severus for the Mutt's death. I drew from a very good Quantum Leap novel called "Pulitzer" and a whole heck of a lot of Deep Space Nine episodes to help with this story. Yes, ladies and gents, I admit it- I'm a nerd but enjoy! Might be unedited but hey, forgive me and maybe I'll redo it one day.
Disclaimer: "If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended,
That you did but slumber'd here while these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme is no more yielding then a dream."
-Midsummer's Night Dream
And Who Shall Mourn?
By: Lady ErisedSeverus Snape was only mildly surprised when the door to his office slammed open, admitting a very irate, very wild-eyed werewolf. Lowering his quill, Severus licked his lips and gingerly folded his hands over the tests he was grading. He tilted his head, and stared with the same impassive boredom that usually caused people to shrink from him. "Can I help you, Mr. Lupin?"
"Get up!" Remus demanded, the rage in his voice was coupled with grief, and sorrow and the sort of helplessness that followed all men when confronted with such a violent and sudden lost as he had.
Sirius Black was dead. The news was slowly begin to filter among of the Order of the Phoenix members, and they began to cluster together, reminding Severus of rats on a sinking ship- each one scurrying together only to be backed into a corner they couldn't escape from. He thought it all very amusing; from Albus Dumbledore's barely concealed grief that bordered on breakdown, to Tonks tearful collapse into Kingsley's arms.
All this- over a mutt.
"I said get up!"
Slowly, leisurely, Snape obliged. He slid out his chair from under his desk and rose to his full height. Remus threw all his weight and emotion into one bone breaking punch that caught Snape square across the jaw. The Potions Master was thrown against the wall and left to scramble for air. Remus, not content to let the lanky counterpart free just let, elbowed him again.
"You couldn't just drop it, could you?" Remus screamed. Eyes that were usually soft and gentle were wide with overwhelming emotions. "You had to keep this petty feud going on between you two! Why couldn't you both just grow up? Why couldn't you just look past this fight and focus on the war? Was it not enough for you that we were fighting Voldemort, and the Death Eaters and the Ministry- NO! You two had to fight each other too! You couldn't just stop…or postpone it, for a few bloody months until we knew what the hell we up against, no! You two have to be so damn big! You have to prove that no one could touch you!"
Snape was watching Remus with the same detachment he would any other Gryffindor. In truth, out of all the Marauders, he tolerated Lupin the most. The man couldn't help being what he was, and how many werewolves could have friends during the time they had all grown up. Even if the friends were cruel and harsh to everyone not associated with their little group, there must have been a security and love felt between them. Snape had often watched them as children- in a way that mixed hatred with jealousy. They were cruel yes, but also close to each other- a closeness Snape had never felt during those years.
Remus was probably remembering the same thing as he ranted. He was remembering the joys and love among them with a sort of bittersweet pain that turned each remembered laugh into a deep wound and a promise that he would never again feel that love from those men of his youth.
He was pacing now in Snape's small office, not realizing where he was or with whom. His whole body was shaking as he sought to contain emotions too long denied. His muscles tensed, eyes glazing over as he lost himself a memory that, finally, wouldn't be ignored. He turned back on Snape, and the Potions Master stepped back accordingly but made no move to defend himself or even confront Remus.
"Damn you, Sirius!" Remus said, screaming into the dark eyes and features of a man no longer able to answer. "Why? You bastard, why did you have do this? Why couldn't you have just trusted us! We were protecting you! Why? Why did you have to go and play the hero! Wasn't it enough that James and Lily died trying but no, you had to leave Harry and me too! You promised, Sirius! You promised you wouldn't die!"
Remus broke into sobs that racked his body then but still Snape didn't respond. How could he and what would he say? Severus knew, acutely, the pain of lost due to this war but unlike the others in the Order, he could not look to them for comfort. How would it seem to these 'heroes,' that their spy mourned for the enemy? Snape had lost many too, loses that were equal, if not more then the Order's.
His friends had gone to their death believing Voldemort's dream for the future. They were proud to be called Death Eater and pure blood and would have given their lives a hundred times over for their cause if it could have helped. They went to their deaths like mindless cattle, unwillingly or unable to question their Dark Master. Snape had once been just like them, and the sorrow of knowing their lost for such an unfit Master filled him with despair. At least Remus and the others could take some comfort from Sirius' death being on count of a cause worth dying for.
His friends had died in vain. With no one to mourn for them.
"Why Sirius! You promised! 'Don't worry, Remy. You won't lose me!' You told me that Sirius and like a fool I believed you! 'Don't worry! We'll live through this!' You son of a bitch, why did you have to die! Why you! Wasn't it enough that everyone else had too, but you too! Are you satisfied now? You selfish bastard! You left me! You left Harry! How are we suppose to bear this crap without you! How dare you leave me, Sirius! How dare you leave Harry all alone now! You bastard, you weren't suppose to die! You bastard, I hate you! You son of a…"
Remus took another swing but this time Severus caught it, following the momentum of the punch and circling to avoid it. The sheer force and weight of the other man caused Snape to lose his footing and stumble unto his desk- sending the papers unto the floor and breaking a glass that had been filled with cold tea. Remus jerked against him, his anger still unabated and tried to use his other hand to strike. Snape's head was throw against the wall but he recovered with enough time to grab Remus' other arm and throw his weight against him, dragging Remus down. Lupin howled in pain or still locked in grief Severus couldn't tell and frankly didn't care. He forced Remus' back into a corner, and then pushed his arms to his chest, to avoid another bout of anger.
Remus' eyes were still darkened with memory and unfocused from the tears that were streaming down. His whole face seemed contorted in pain, with his mouth opening as if to force out a scream that wouldn't come. Despite himself, Severus felt a pang sympathy for Remus. Sighing, and with a kind of tenderness even Snape didn't know he possessed, he drew back the bangs from Remus' face and waited till the torrent of emotions within subsided.
The man looked suddenly very frail set against the stone of the dungeon. Snape found himself holding Remus' arms tenderly, ensuring the werewolf would harm no one and just being there for him to mourn. Remus needed this, needed to expel this sorrow like poison was drawn from a wound to ensure lack of infection. An infection that could spread and turn everything with it into something deadly and destructive.
Something that Snape knew all too well.
"Why did you have to die, Sirius?" Remus finally whispered softly. "You said we'd get out of this war and everything would be okay. You promised. How could you break that promise to me? To Harry?"
Severus licked his lips, and struggled against the pain and tears he was experiencing. He felt swells of grief over names that could not be spoken to Remus or any other member of the Order: names like Evan Rosier, and Regulus Black. These were men that had fought and died with Snape before he became a traitor to his blood and joined Dumbledore. Men who would have given their lives for his, expecting the same. Men who had made the ultimate sacrifice to their cause whereas Severus had taken the easy road and betrayed everything he stood for. Men whose memory Severus shamed everyday he helped these half bloods and monsters.
But these emotions were forbidden here, and Severus Snape buried them deep. "But everything is okay, Remus. For them, the war is over."
Remus' eyes focused on Severus with that revelation and the man seemed to awaken from some desperate dream. Lupin looked on the bruises that were forming on Snape's face and shrunk back. "Oh, Severus…I'm sorry…I'm so…I didn't mean…"
"Yes, you did." Snape said, releasing Remus and standing back. "Feel better?"
Remus stood now, brushing off his worn eyes and trying not to burst into tears again. He nodded slowly, looking at Snape and searching for words to make amends. "I'm so sorry…thank yo-"
"Get out of my office, Lupin." Snape cut him off. He was determined that he would not make friends with these people. They might be his allies but he would be damned if they became his friends. Not when they had killed his kind before and would continue to do so. He sat down at his desk, picked up his quill and began to write.
After a long awkward silence, Remus walked out of the room and Snape put down his quill, staring into the night sky.